dead eyes, are you just like me?

it's been... five months, nine days. at least, i think that was the last time. for some reason i was thinking it was closer to new year's. it still might've been, and i just didn't hint at it in here like i usually do.

the anticipation. five months of anticipation. of days in class having to poke myself with a safety pin to dissipate the urge. nights of driving home crying, intent on doing it when i got home. telling myself no, you're not going to do it, you don't have to do it, and besides, you haven't been able to do it when you've wanted to.

i couldn't feel anything last night. not a damn thing. i remember now why i liked getting on those damn pills in the first place... i wasn't so tired anymore, and i felt things, i could remember and think normally and speak normally. the last two weeks have been bad, and now i'm back where i was three years ago. and i hate it. i couldn't feel anything. and so i wanted to see if i could feel something again. and i did. for a split second it was awesome. and then the next second it's just like a scratching pain on skin. and not even a painful pain. just... dull.

i knew it would happen, i just figured i had one more week before it started again. go figure. my timing has been really bad the last month. first the pill, then schoolwork, the yearbook, the car, the piercing, cruces, then that... whole situation that i still can't understand, and now this.

everything's ended, so everything's started. i'm leaving by the first, and i don't know what things are going to be like when i get back. can't dwell on it though.

for everyone i've inadvertently hurt the past month, i'm sorry. it won't happen again. i'll make sure of it.