breaking rules

i feel like i should say something.

this last week held the biggest extremes that i've felt in a long, long, long while. i wanted to get into it, to say how i felt like every ounce of energy left me the moment bryan went back last monday. how i felt so extremely good and proud of myself after i wrote my theatre paper, felt like i could function again. tuesday comes and as much as i'm looking forward to the day it just always brings me down. tuesday night seeing rehearsal for machinal: up. wednesday not being able to focus and write the other theatre paper or do homework: down. wednesday at precisely 6pm when tickets for incubus were won: up. wednesday night incubus concert: it felt like i was high i was so happy (the pot smoking right next to me might've helped...). i could've been floating, somewhere else, just so extremely up. thursday morning easy soc test that took me 10 minutes to do: up. theatre quiz that makes me feel like an idiot afterwards: down. thursday night... after not seeing zozobra due to my actions: down. and then down, down, down, so that i was rifling through my purse on the way back to albuquerque looking for a safety pin to dissipate the overwhelming urge to cut, even with bryan right next to me and kristen in the back seat... not finding one and proceding to slip further and further down. exact contrast to night before. friday, down. didn't recover from the night before. saturday: down until sometime in the afternoon when the bad energy was pulled from me and i felt ok again. saturday night: flat.

sunday, 12:30am: breakdown.

everything that i'd been holding in for such a long time just came out. and it was the best thing that i could've done. i said what i felt, what i thought, what i believed, even as illogical as it all was. and is, to an extent. saying that i want this to stop, but i don't know how... i don't want to talk to a therapist, i don't want medication. but i want it to be over. and i don't know. everything of last week was just too much for me. too much, and i couldn't get out of it.

and i don't know. now that i'm back here, i don't know. i know it'll come back, that i will slip back into it, because i always do and i think i always will, i just have to be better about trying to get myself out of it. i say all these things now, but once it comes back i don't know what i'll be saying. i just know that i don't want to hurt anyone... and at the same time i don't want to hurt myself.

i should be tired and sleeping now. i should keep writing. it helps. talking helps. and that's what i think i need now. help.