we'll try each other on to see if we fit

so... not here. just a state of zoning out and wanting to sleep again, drift into that place where i dream and everything goes away. where everything feels peaceful and right and i never need to wake up to be someone else. songs like dreams and the feeling of sleep. how do you describe feeling... the same way you feel it. soft and smooth and warm all at the same time. moving in a swaying vibe, back and forth with closed eyes and perfect rhythm. because it's so much better than where i am now. cold, sharp, noisy room, bright light without warmth and an aura of tension. tight muscles and cluttered spaces and night that's just on the other side of the door. known responsibilities and tasks that just can't be done, no focus except on the made up feeling of sleep. guitar and bass and a steady drumming... does anything ever get explained? good intentions and actions distorted into something unfamiliar and creepy. getting jolted back into this reality of made up realities by the steady beeping of the alarm clock, pushing past another day. happy and sad, optimistic and tired, wanting to do everything possible yet too tired and unfocused to actually do it. make it easier, make it sleep, make it dream. just sit under the fading sunlight and the coming darkness, under the stars and the moon and the clouds, freeze in the moment of sleep in reality. existing while not existing. everything comes back to you in the end, nothing goes unnoticed or unanswered, karma and regret, they all just flood back when you just want to fade out into the warmness of not being. focus and focus but i'm back to all those late nights where the specific words won't come. writing for assignments never starts out well. the base thought of whoring words out for an unwanted purpose. and this feeling that i can't shake for now, don't want to shake it off, just stay in the space where things don't happen forever... i miss the world of contentment and sleep. do you dream when you're dead? lights just can't shut off and everything ceases. energy can't be destroyed, so where do you go... out, around, off to an eternal dream state. we wish. i don't think about it anymore. not heaven or hell or god or angels, life having a greater meaning and people having a purpose. it all just... faded. cynicism and finally waking up to my real world, putting my life in my own hands instead of some unknown creator. nothing exists until we say it does, and even then... filling out scholarship applications and having to think about the future. and i say it doesn't exist. but i can't let it go anymore. the same four years of getting through, following a set plan without breaking out and doing what matters. fading and fading and waiting for someone to come and wake me up again. why? why not. life ends after you stop waking up. it's all different now, different and new... what to do besides, and i don't feel like doing it again, after three months and off and on and still wanting to be a part of something, i don't feel like it anymore. reading and reading and not being there. no scars. i have no scars, and no one knows until i tell them. no one would have ever known, and i'd probably still be doing it. millions of realities and i had to pick this one. some things outweigh others. respect for the body means not defiling it... and for a second there i understood perfectly and felt guilty for everything i do, but then my mind went back to the laws created by men on behalf of an entity that doesn't exist. but i still don't know. i understand now, but i don't know. do other people understand why they do the things they do to their bodies? sometimes i wonder, but i never forget. taking it all back would be like taking back those other people, the past people. they existed, they existed to create me, to change and develop and all of a sudden i'm here. sometimes i hate the other people, but most of the time i think "how can i get that one back, how can i bring her back"... i can't. she's faded away into the infinite parallel universes (universi) and now i stand here in this one. circles and cycles, everything comes back around.

i never sat under the stars and just... was. i've always wanted to do that, but things get in the way. i wanted to tell you everything and yet shield you, so that we could both be on our separate ways and never look back. just end before anyone could get hurt... when did i change...