everything passes

better. finally got it written... now i feel like i might be able to get through the rest of the week without just staying in bed all day.

short weekend. it always goes so fast and i feel so bad for being so sad most of the time. and i try to make myself stop being so sad... so out of it... but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. sometimes no matter how much i'm told that things will be better and that i'm gonna be ok, i just can't see past the fog and the feeling and the tears. and it's so easy to just curl up under the covers and not look out into the world, not let anything in. if nothing comes in then nothing can hurt, i can't let myself down or let someone else down. i just keep remembering that i'm loved, that at any point in time if things really did get bad, that i'd always have somewhere to go. and that everything does pass.

i get frustrated when i can't write here, but i get even more frustrated when i can't write something for a grade. because then things just spiral downward... fail class, lose motivation, go under 3.5, lose scholarship, lose college, and then what the hell am i supposed to do... yeah, i am still a pessimist. i do still think that the worse will happen, i'm just better at trying to lie to myself now. i guess i'm still in the way of thinking to downplay everything, that way when something good happens, it's even better, and when something bad happens well i expected it so life just sucks anyway. there's a psychological/sociological name for that, but i've forgotten over time.

passes. it passed enough so i could write. passed enough so i could walk back to the cafeteria and see people and feel ok. passed enough so i could come back to an empty room and not feel lonely... one step at a time. one hour, one day, one week. then a month, then a semester, and then to look back and see that everything passed...

it's still hard though.