the highs and lows

i'm here again, the same place that i always find myself, time after time. it's too faniliar, and yet i won't get out of it. sometimes i try, i really really try, harder than almost anything i do, harder than resisting the urge to cut or forcing myself to interact with people or making myself just get out of bed. everything gets that much harder. eating seems like a task... talking on the phone is someone squeezing the life out of you, words blur together in anything meant to be read for homework. i can't understand anything anymore. i have a huge cs test tomorrow (huge because you only have something like 3-4 tests in a whole semester) and i don't even care. this is my major and i don't even care about learning or doing well. yeah, maybe it's unconscious wanting to fail out, do badly to have an excuse, but i... i don't know anymore. i spent too much energy on being perfect for the past 12 years. i can't do it anymore. and yet i can't tell them that i can't do it anymore. "are you ok?" "yeah, i am". and i'm not. i'm really, really, really not. but everything would be so much more easier for everyone else if i stayed here, because everything revolves around money. $3k per year and that's everything payed for. no loans, no debts, everything school-related paid for. and how can i compete with that? how can anything i say possibly compete with 4 years paid for? i can't say that i'm miserable, that i'm sick, that i'm... they wouldn't believe me. they never do. and now i'm swinging again, after months of being even i'm back to one moment up the next down the next up. a period of days being down and then out of nowhere it's gone, and i'm on top of the world. then as quickly as it came it goes, and i'm left tired and alone. so tired. but everything has a responsibility. on and on and on and... and i almost lost 4 months wednesday, because i wanted to, wanted to more than anything. i wanted to feel horrible because i deserved it. everything's so much easier that way, i deserve to be miserable so i can stay in this situation which will make things easier for all. and i'll go to class and eat sometimes and do homework and cut and be fucked up but that's the way it's supposed to be. the world keeps going and i stay in this pit, fading, fading, fading... everything's easier at the bottom. at the bottom it doesn't matter if you have no friends around. doesn't matter if no one sees you. doesn't matter if you do good or bad. doesn't matter if you get out of your room at all. doesn't matter if you eat or not. doesn't matter if you get a job. doesn't matter if your arms are filled with scars and you wear sleeves just so people won't pester you, not because you're ashamed of them. nothing matters. i wanted nothing to matter so badly on wednesday. but i can't even do that anymore. why does everything have to be so hard all the time? i go from wanting to be better to wanting to be completely immersed in this thing. being happy or being me. everything is in extremes: black or white, up or down, happy or depressed. there is no middle ground, no middle path. and i don't know what to do from day to day... just because i make plans to get better and go see a counselor today doesn't mean that when that day comes i'll feel like i can do it, i won't, i'll just feel like staying in bed and staying in my situation. ups and downs and i want medication and i don't want medication. sometimes i want everyone to stop caring so that i can disappear... all this would be so much easier if people didn't care. but that's not really what i want, that's just the darkness talking. people are the only reason i'm still here... and as much as i have to make the future about me, for me, i still do things only because of others. why can't i just fade away...