screw charAt returns

when i said that i always get up at 2pm on weekends, i didn't really mean it... it kinda scares me when i wake up and even though i want to go back to sleep decide to look at the clock and it's 1:30. woah.

i had some... really disturbing dreams last night. and i don't know if it was because i spent a good 6 hours doing java programming yesterday. i mean, usually when i program for that length of time, my dreams actually have code in them, but not last night.

they scared me. and not how i was scared when i had my first nightmare again after years of being over that sort of thing. scared me like my subconcious was getting pissed at me that i am temporarily feeling ok. maybe they were my mind's cries for attention, saying that i can't get past what i was, what i am. i dreamt about suicide. i dreamt about rape. i dreamt about being stuck in a situation i couldn't get out of (actually i think that one was there more to piss me off than anything since the basis of the dream (religion) doesn't exist anymore). i dreamt about everyone leaving me. i dreamt about razor blades. and every few hours when i woke up i wasn't sure where i was, in what city, in what state of mind. i wasn't sure whether i was in someone else's bed or my own. i wasn't sure if i actually did want to hurt myself.

the dreams confused me greatly. and when i woke up and found myself back in this room, in this city, i felt kind of sad. it's all so hard to explain, but it's like part of me was disappointed that this didn't happen to me...? i don't know. when i was truly awake i shook myself out of it. and now... now i'm ok again.

wednesday, thursday, and friday were all good days. it kind of amazed me, and made me feel really good too. and it was to that point of "i don't care if i fail, because i feel good", and i've been there before, so i have a vague feeling that it's just one of my high points before i crash again. but, i'm getting things done and feeling good about it. even if i never figure out how to do that one program for my cs lab, it won't really matter, because i've learned so much this week in terms of programming because of that problem. messing around with code... i missed it. i'm kind of thinking that i'm using java as a supplement to web dev instead of actual programming... which is ok, but more pure programmers get jobs than web devs do. but right now i have a weird outlook on the future...

so yes, i've been tremendously busy. wait, scratch that, i've supposed to have been tremendously busy. my old procrastinating self thought "well i'll do it this weekend", and so that's what i'm doing. everything. this weekend. but i still allow myself a good couple hours on the internet right after i wake up. it contributes to my sanity. so does walking, which i've been doing every night now. it makes me feel good.

so with any luck now that i'm on a programming bug that means next week i'll update all my sites (and get alex's blog done...). i was thinking of posting all my notes on the internet. that's not a bad thing, is it? i know i had a certain view of... helping others... when i was in high school. but now that i'm in college... eh. it's still an elective. might as well boost your gpa while you can.

anyway...

i should get going on everything i need to do.

i now have, besides AIM (because shockingly not everyone uses aim. wtf?), yahoo IM, and MSM (that i don't put on my dock since i don't know anyone who uses it...). and i'm on the net something like 6 hours a day. so if you want to talk, go for it.

(yes i know i didn't put my sn but i don't want to get spammed yet again. ask for it in the comments if you really want it.)

oh yeah, if you want to see what 3 of the 6 hours yesterday was spent on, go here. not guaranteeing that it will work for you, as i know of one pc where it wouldn't. macs should be ok. if you can see java things, then it should work.