i am so full of shit

oh my god what the hell was i thinking with that post yesterday... it's such shit. i mean, it's true, but still i didn't have to freakin post about it. that's what my rambling head gets me... long stupid posts.

aaahhh i feel like such a dumbass. and my eyes are still really dry and i can't see. and i don't have the right prescription in my glasses so i can't even take my contacts out unless i want to be running into stuff... more than i usually do.

BAH he's coming back TOMORROW. and just when i thought my life was calm without him. now he's a dumbass. he's always been one, but for the past year he's been so much worse. i would laugh at him but he's too much of a jackass for me to even bother. i'm thinkin of staying in my room all weekend, which won't be hard cause i have a lot of projects i have to work on. terrible terrible terrible.

alex, do you still read this? cause if you do i can't talk about your party on this specific blog. i'll have to go over to the super secret one i have... but then i'm the only one who'll read it. ... i don't think she frequents this blog anymore, but i never know. oh and guess what... matthew perry is canadian! i was so surprised when i found that out.

i want to be seventeen right now. i want to be able to tell people that i'm seventeen. i want to feel like i'm seventeen. i want to feel older so that maybe people will actually take me seriously. maybe they'll respect my beliefs and leave me to be myself. i want to be older so i can leave these people who keep bringing me down. being in this house is killing my soul. being in this whole family is making me go crazy.

aaahhh and i wonder why i have no self-esteem.

they sent out a paper yesterday that said when reps from some colleges would be coming. i want to check some of them out, but i still have no idea what i want to do with my life... except that i'm not gonna be an english major. i don't know... when i was little it was so clear-- grow up, become a scientist, and have fun every day of my life. or at least that was my dream of the future. now it's get a job, get some money, go to college somewhere, survive college, survive living without my friends, survive being alone, survive life. i really don't like my dream for my future being really vague.

i don't know... should i put personal stuff on this blog? i'm torn because i really want to write my feelings down and get them out of me, but i'm terrified by who could find this blog... mainly any of my family members. i know they already know about the site, which means they know about the blog, and i have a feeling like i might have told alex about this blog... but given that i haven't talked to him in forever (at least it seems that way) i don't think he remembers. but still the very idea of my family knowing what i actually feel and am going through... well it terrifies me to the bone.

i don't really care if my friends read my personal stuff... i mean i never talk about anything in my life (unless it's me being a hypochondriac), so i don't know... they'd be able to get inside my head without badgering me about it. not that i wouldn't talk to them if they asked me something outright. i don't know. i just can't verbally talk about myself. i've been living with someone who talks about himself constantly for a large part of my life, and i just don't like that. it's like i'm being selfish talking about myself. i don't mind other people talking about themselves though. in fact i really like hearing about other people's lives. my thing is that i can never know enough about you. you could sit down and tell me your whole life story and i would still want to hear more. i want to know everything. what your feelings are, your view on life and anything else, your relationships with different people and your family... everything. i don't know... i feel bad about that too, cause you're telling me all this stuff about you, and you know virtually nothing about me. i mean really, when i think of it, even alex knows very little about me.

so for any of my friends reading this, anything you want to know about me, just ask. i promise that i'll answer truthfully. i'm through with being an enigma, but if you don't ask, i won't volunteer any information.

now i feel better, like this post has wiped out yesterday's terrible terrible post.