spendiferous

so i just did a google search for station fire duct tape flickerstick and 3 of the 6 results were my blogs. too cool.

i'm really tired now. yesterday i went with alex and her ma to see the pianist. it's really really good. i can totally see now why he won best actor. alex bought me a lighter from the capitol. it's silver and shiny and makes fire. mmmfire. and the card kicked ass too.

wow. i totally meant to post something significant today, mostly on how i had the revelation that i did a horrid acting job in the play, but since i just got hit with this insane tired-ness, i won't.

meh!

i had to post... the last one was sorta creeping me out. i mean it's fine right after i finish watching thirteen ghosts but not right in the middle of me surfing around the net. besides i wanted to put their runes (symbols, whatever. i call weird ass looking things runes) by each ghost but since i haven't found them, well more just i haven't looked for them, it's fine if i move on.

last day of spring break coming on. i think i finished all the homework that i had to do over the break. well at least all the homework that i said i was going to do over the break. all i need to do now is throw all my stuff back in my backpack and put it in the olds. and damn i hope i don't have to get gas, even though the price did go down.

weird experiences. more like my head just playing tricks with me. i've been messing around again with the code for this blog, being that i like to organize things into little boxes. i'd like to do more, but i hate the clutter of too many boxes, so for now i'll stop there.

that, my friends, is pretty much all i have to show for this week. well actually i have 8 picks, one electric tuner, three anne rice books that i bought yesterday, one other anne rice book read in two days, a new pack of blue ballpoint bic pens, and me not being able to sleep for the past 2 nights. fun. that whole not being able to fall asleep for two hours and then the waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back to sleep until 6am. really fun.

i'm here procrastinating seeing if alex gets back and on the net. i'm guessing she should be back tonight... but who knows.

i spent the day pretty much just playing with my 10 kittens. just so you know: 3 female, 2 male, mutt-breed (and you know we don't get shots or any of that fancy stuff for run of the mill mutt cats), great mousers, ready to go in about a week, maybe a week and a half. we have 4 more that will be ready to go in a few weeks because they're younger than these first ones. and our other cat is about ready to burst, she's so pregnant. so that's another 2-5 kittens right there. you want 'em? you can have them. free. go for it.

i only get to keep one out of the whole army of kittens we have. when/if i get a camera with film or digital camera i'll put pictures of them up here.

damn. well alex isn't getting on so i'm getting off.

thir13en ghosts

"i guarantee nothing."

the firstborn son
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - the torso
the bound woman
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - the withered lover
the torn prince
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - the angry princess
the pilgrims
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - the great child and
the dire mother
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - the hammer
the jackal
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - the juggernaut

~ the sacrifice of the broken heart ~

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

i'm almost done with the book i started yesterday. i almost forgot how wonderful it is to just read for reading, like how i used to do. it's pandora by anne rice. the second series of the vampire tales, because i wanted to start at the beginning and the library at los alamos didn't have the first book in the first series. so whatever. still great.

i've had this thing for a few years. one with wanting to paint my room black. but then wanting to get my sharpies and start writing on the walls. i wanted to write the whole of the raven on my wall. still do. i think i settled on memorizing it instead. but now i really want to do it again. all the epic quotes. all the great sayings of people, well known as well as unnoticed. poetry and logic of the mind and heart. i was ranting about this in my head earlier today. my rants in my head are always so much better than anything i could write down.

speaking of ranting in my head, it happened again last night. my mind just wouldn't shut up. it kept going on and on and on, school, life, medical problems up to now. a part-narrative-part-conversation sorta thing. always the best in my head. but i couldn't go to sleep for the life of me! and that just got me more pissed off, which in turn got my head to ramble on even more, and on and on and

so i don't know when i finally fell asleep. i could go on more about the whole scenarios in my head thing but that's for another post.

ranting and raving, ranting and raving. 3 more days left. can't say as i've especially enjoyed a week break from school. i mean i like that i don't have to work, or put up with power hungry stupid teachers, but i really miss my friends.

now i've started thinking. what's the best present that you've ever received, material gift, that is.

entropy

so i think this is how the whole week will go: monday, i did nothing. tuesday i did something. today, i'm doing nothing. so that means that tomorrow i will do something, and friday i'll be lazy, and saturday and sunday i'll get off my ass and do something.

whatever. spring break blows when you have nothing to do.

i got up this morning and watched this weirdly good movie called entropy. don't know what the hell is up with it, but if it's on hbo and i have nothing to do, i'll watch it.

tried to play guitar earlier, but i figure i'm not into it anymore. when i do want to play, i'm never around a guitar. when i am, i don't want to play. go figure. so i just messed around with some of the music i had before i decided if i really wanted to play i'd have to cut my nails. last time i was able to let my nails grow was... chrismas? damn. so i'm not gonna cut them until sunday or monday, when i have to for to be able to play guitar. bah. gonna paint them black. been meaning to do that for a long time.

i now have 2 books i can read, but i don't know... i wish everybody was around. or i wish they took me with them.

mmm but meteora makes up for it all. at least a little.

meteora

today i got off my ass and went with my mom to santa. my primary goal: get meteora. i mean, today was its release date, so they had to have it everywhere, right? right. everywhere. go to bestbuy and get it for $10. i mean holy shit batman, $10. that's gold. i was looking for ben folds live too, but alas they didn't have it. but i am way more than content with meteora. i mean i still feel a little off about not buying reanimation, because even though i think it's a ripoff to pay $15 for a cd of remixes, it does have like four or five new songs on it. maybe later when i have some more money to blow.



it is amazing. totally amazing. shit times like this i wish a had a cell so i could do that audioblogger thing and post a track on here for you to listen to. but i won't get a cell until my dad finishes doing all his market research 'cause he doesn't want to pay out the ass for 3 cells that only use maybe 60 minutes altogether per month. i don't blame him. but i would really feel a lot safer driving to and from school if i had a cell. just in case the olds breaks down. or i get in a crash. or if i forget my homework or something.

wow i got off the subject there. so yeah. if you like linkin park, go and get meteora. it is totally worth it.

so we went to sam's club, and then best buy, and then went to eat at luby's and walk the mall. actually mom was getting me to look at prom dresses of all things. i keep telling her no, i am not going to the prom. "not even if someone asks you?" not even if someone asks me. ha, like that'll ever happen. but you know i like pretty prom dresses. so i'll go and look at them with her, even if i know i'm never ever going to the prom. i actually want to go to dillard's in burque and check out all the dresses they have there. because i like pretty dresses. hey i have my really girly side.

then we went to candyman (the part with the guitars) because i finally broke down and decided to get an electric tuner. so i'm standing there and who should come up and scare the crap out of me but daivd. practicing with chris and the band. which totally rocks. but as it was my hip or whatever the hell it is was hurting like hell when i walked, and i'd been walking the whole day, so i was tired and in pain and wanted to get the hell out of town, so i bought my tuner and some picks, and left. well, we went to chocolate maven for ... dessert, but then we left and came home.

and so here i am now, on the net, listening to meteora. still in slight pain, and now it's really scaring the crap out of me, especially since my doctors appt was moved to next wednesday. my hypochondriac mind is raving with what it could be, but i think this time my mom is actually genuinely worried. which is good 'cause it means she'll make the doctors take me seriously. or not whatever i've stopped trying to make doctor's understand that i have a pretty good idea when my body isn't right.

bah. whatever. i'm off to do some fixings ups of the code.

slightly worried

so my doctor got sick. which means they cancelled my appointment, and moved it to i guess next wednesday. which bites. majorly. especially 'cause i think that something else is wrong with me. but who can trust a hypochondriac, right?

i have absolutely nothing to do this whole week. bah.

he's a fox. no, really he is

so yesterday i went over to alex's and hung out with her. we went and ate lunch at the rose park, although it was cold and windy and we had to find shelter in my car. fun fun. i got to finally watch the date scene from our play, she had it on tape. i had never seen it, and she had never seen what peter/scar did after he kissed her. it was so cute, we found out why he needed the soda to do that scene... after he kissed her he went and downed the soda. it was really funny and cute.

bah i can't write for anything today. bah. long day. but i did manage to take a 3 hour nap and we went to olive garden before we went to the airport to drop him off. mmm italian.

i really can't write today can i. tomorrow is my dr. appt, and that is the only thing i have scheduled for this week. i'm going to be extremely bored, what with everybody gone. maybe i'll get a hold of daivd and can hang out with him some. or i could just you know sleep all week.

bejus i'm starting to sound like nick.

kittens everywhere

so i got up at 8 this morning, right after i heard my dad say that our kittens were trying to get out of their box. right now we have 10 kittens, and the last of our mother cats is pregnant, so by the end of this month we'll have more. and i really don't want to have to take them to the shelter, so if you people would like a kitten or two or five we have them. and would be perfectly happy to give them to you.

so yeah i got up and brought 3 of them inside, the three older ones who didn't scream their heads off. maybe i'll find myself a little digital camera this break and take some pictures of them.

bah. so this last week at school was totally pointless. the only good thing about it was that we got to watch sybil in psych and antitrust in compsci. now that movie rocked. and then he actually brought bill & ted's bogus journey yesterday. i now can never complain about that class again, for the only reason being that he has that movie on dvd. and let us watch it. mmmstation.

so i think this break will go to cleaning things. cleaning my room. cleaning my blog. cleaning everything else. my room is so messy now. i need to get some more boxes and just box everything up except my beading stuff and school stuff.

alex leaves tomorrow. i think we said we were going to see a movie today (are we?) but i don't know how that will go.

why are you such a headcase?

so for everyone who has absolutely no idea what the whole squirrel thing is, go here. but don't say i didn't warn you.

i don't know what's up with me this week. it's been a really odd week. for one, i think my hypochondria is making my head think that i have more symptoms (of anything), or maybe i really do have symptoms and something really is wrong with me. the thing that sucks about knowing (or rather thinking) that i'm a hypochondriac is that i know that i'm overreacting whenever i feel like something's wrong with me, but i'm still a hypochondriac so i think that something really is wrong with me. well hopefully on monday i will get this whole thing sorted out. probably i'll just get the same thing from my dr. though, saying that i'm perfectly fine, and that everything that i know is feeling wrong with me, well it could never happen. like how i couldn't really get sick every other month when i'm on my period because i only have one ovary. no... that could never happen. not like anyone else has ever HAD THIS HAPPEN TO THEM for the doctors to analyze and find out that yeah maybe it really does fuck up a girl to take one of her ovaries out when she's six weeks old. bah. sorry, i always get pissed off when i think about that issue. i'd rather them have taken them both out. would've saved a lot of trouble.

i'm the only freak that would sit at the computer with headphones on, but forget to start playing the cd.

since this post's title is the topic for tonight's rant (this is an actual quote too. daivd: "kristin, why are you such a headcase?" and he sounded pretty serious about it), i might as well keep on ranting about all the other things that make me... slightly off. like i've always had this thing with my memory. seems that it's pretty bad. ever since i was little, i couldn't remember directions or messages, what i did that day, what people just said to me. man that was hell, being yelled at because they thought i was really being a little smartass to them, that i didn't really "forget". but you know it sucks even more when they're yelling at you and you have no idea why, because you seriously cannot remember what you were supposed to do. sometimes i think that it's other people that are off... that they didn't really tell me to do something or to remember something, that they just think that they told me, because i honestly can't remember. so if you can't remember something for the life of you, it must've never really happened, right? except that i know that they're probably right, that they really did tell me to do something and i just... forgot. but then it gets just really out of hand, when i forget something important. like what i just did with whatever i was holding. i did that last night, and it scared the shit out of me. i was holding a paper of the history project in my hands, and then i went to type something up on the computer and realized i was just holding something, but it's not there now. and i have no idea where it went. same with keys. or anything important that you really wouldn't want to lose. and i go back and look everywhere that i could've walked and put it down, 'cause that's what i've done since forever when this happened ("oh you lost it? but you were just holding it! fine then go backwards through everything you've done until you find it. what do you mean you can't remember what you just did?!). and when i can't remember what i just did, when i look through the whole house and don't find it, when i start getting really anxious and tear apart my room to try and find what i lost, and still don't find it, well i start to think that i really am crazy. that i don't just forget things, i forget my mind. i lost my mind.

don't laugh. this shit has really fucked me up. this is the number one main reason why i'm so deathly terrified to get a job. because i won't remember to do something, and then they'll fire me and i'll still have no idea why, because i just forget so damn much. that's why i get so hurt when we're at school and i ask did we have any homework, and they tell me yes we did, but they're lying, but i don't know that they're lying, because i seriously cannot remember if we had homework or not.

i'd like to say that it's gotten better, that i don't forget a lot anymore, but the truth is that it's just as bad. i've just learned to cope with it more. i write down whatever people tell me to do, or make them write a very specific note telling me what to do. it works... when i don't forget where i put the note.

one thing down. what's next. fear of being around a lot of people? hmmm... well, i don't like being touched. honestly, if you aren't one of my friends (alex kyle david... um yeah) i really don't like you touching me. i especially have this thing with my family members touching me. like hugs. a pat on the back. that trying to console you thing that people do when they put their hand on your shoulder. and holding hands. i cannot stand to hold my family members' hands. i don't know... probably comes from all the... little abusive things my brother used to do to me, and the fact that my family constantly acted like they "loved" me, when i could tell they didn't really care. you know, useless hugs. on that subject, i have a real big problem when people throw around i love you's like they're a greeting. those words hold power, meaning. i only said them once for the first time really this weekend, and that's because i really meant it, and i wanted them to know it. so anyway. yeah, that's another thing. there are days, when my head's really messed up, times that would usually throw me into an anxiety attack, when i can't stand anyone at all touching me. like i don't like brushing people's shoulders in the hall. it's just too much noise in my head.

which probably explains why i like dark, solitary places so much. oh yeah and about that. i don't like being outside/in the sun because it hurts my eyes. a lot. no, i actually am not afraid of the sun like casey. i feel sorry for the poor girl, being that she has to spend spring break in florida. for her sake i hope it's overcast the whole time.

the random thoughts thing. i've already said a few times in this blog that i have a thing with starting a thought in my head, and finishing it out loud, or vice versa. i have also said that most of the time i say things and people have no idea what the hell i'm talking about. a lot of the times it's because of the whole starting/finishing stuff in my head. a lot of the times it's just because i think of really weird things, that seem completely normal to me. for example, i was thinking in my head... yesterday? anyway i was thinking of how great it would be to know that we were all going to die (the whole war bomb thing), because you could do everything that you ever wanted, like tell everyone your true feelings (and i could jump him and not regret it), and i said this out loud... "it would be great if we knew that we were all gonna die", and mrs. jansen, kyle, and david just looked at me like i was a looney. i didn't bother explaining all that i thought in my head, everything that made perfect sense to me, because automatically jansen started doing that whole "oh that would never happen" thing. like i was worried about it. i think that is the one thing that i am definitely not worried about. anyway yeah.

and the other "why am i such a headcase" thing that i've actually been thinking a lot about lately... i have this thing where i don't think i'm good enough for people. well actually i don't think, it's an actual thing that comes up a lot for me. i am not worth it. ever. now i could go all third person and analyze myself (which i do pretty well, yet i almost never listen to myself), or i could just talk about this in plain terms of how i feel. i feel that i really am not worth people caring about me. i mean what have i ever done for them? really, what have i ever done? sure, yeah i really care about them a lot, but why on earth should they feel the same for me. i'm horrid. i don't really seem to value my life, what i've been given, my freedoms, my education. anything. i always think about why am i alone all the time, instead of thinking what can i do to make their lives better. it's always about me, and it's never about me.

[rant] nothing is ever about me. i never get what i want. i'll never get what i want, so why should i even bother? he already got everything, so why should i expect to get anything. i'm always second choice, in anything. and i'm almost ok with that. what the fuck is wrong with me that i'm ok with that? i know that i'm going to end up going to state, because i never get anything i want, because i don't want what i want. the defiant child. you weren't going to give it to me? fine, i didn't want it anyway. time after time i've done that. i still do that. hell i just did that today. you won't take me to the doctor? fine, i'm not sick. it doesn't matter that i'm deathly terrified that i might be really terribly sick, and could die, no. you have something more important to do. everything is always more important than me. when was i ever first importance? when i broke my wrist. when i had horribly bad cramps that sunday and couldn't go to church. and that's... it. that's it. holy fucking fuck i just had a psychoanalytical revelation. holy fuck. the whole cumpulsion with wanting to hurt myself... when standing on balconies and such i have this cumpulsion to throw myself off. when i'm driving i sometimes feel like crashing my car. when i have my hidden anxiety attacks i feel like cutting. i still feel like cutting. holy fucking shit I JUST HIT IT ON THE HEAD. [/rant]

knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. i know i still see myself as unimportant. i'll still want to cut.

i only wish that i could say all of this out loud. that i wouldn't be afraid of what they might do to me when i tell them i'm an atheist.

i wish i wasn't such a headcase.

i knew there was a reason i did that

so i was looking back at my archives looking for the comments i put on a post on halloween, the same one where i found zander's blog. so anyway looked at another one i put down and damn was i right on with that one. i mean, freak, he knows about the crazy squirrel! among other things.

will be back later. gotta go eat... i'm starved.

so i was thinkin

thinking about next week. like what the hell i'm going to do. i know i could go to cruces for a few days, but the whole situation with my aunt and uncle getting divorced might be a little to weird to deal with. not me dealing with it, but my ma, and well them. upside: i could chill with alex for like a day if he doesn't have school. which he probably does. upside: it's cruces! upside: a little self-esteem upper in form of shopping and being away from all the crap i have in my head everyday wouldn't hurt. neither would me actually talking to certain people about certain touchy subjects. downside: said divorce situation. downside: who knows if my mom's family is speaking to each other now, and i sure as hell don't want to get in the middle of anything. downside: yeah, i still have no money that i could really spend.

so i don't know. i'll probably end up staying here the whole week. which wouldn't be all that bad if everybody wasn't leaving.

ok, enough of that. on to more pressing things, like the fact that blogger died again yesterday. it really scares the crap out of me when that happens, mainly because i like blogger so much (one it's free, b i can only switch to movable type if i have a site... domain... hosting service... etc.). oh well that's the price to pay for free blog hosting.

it's been raining like all day yesterday and today. which is really really good for new mexico. but it sucks when last week was majorly great weather, all warm and springlike, and then now it's back to winter.

and now for the links. major linkage. i found this off of tequila mockingbird. it's digital voodoo. go for it. i haven't sent a curse yet because, well, i have no one to curse. at least i have no one's email address that i want to curse. and the other from wwdn: TROGDOR!!! courtesy of homestarrunner. oh, how i like burning a bunch of unsuspecting peasants.

so yeah. gotta do some homework now. stupid projects. and such.

you rock my drama world

i got up at 11am, after coming home at 12:27am last night, three minutes before my curfew. man, was this an experience.

so all this week we've been freaking out about the play. jess didn't have a costume. we feared chris would be doing all the sound cues. the scene changes were really bad. that, and we didn't know if we'd remember our lines.

wednesday came rolling around and we were all at least a little nervous, thinking about all the slight problems we had at rehearsals, and the fact that we weren't just playing characters in a play, we were playing real people, real people who lived and died and whose spirits we had to pay tribute to... we had to be great for them. and we were. opening night was a huge success for us, the actors. even though we had our little problems with scene changes and such, it was a really great performance.

everyone said that we were really great, even on thursday. i figured the curse of thursdays had us (i couldn't really feel any energy onstage, at all), but apparently no one noticed... so maybe for once we conquered the curse of thursdays.

last night, friday, was packed. we knew that everyone was going to come on friday, mainly because that's when we told everyone to come. we had family and friends in the audience, and i think that really helped us. we did our customary thespian huddle, focused on our characters, and for the last night we went onstage. the performance was wonderful, the best out of the three days. the audience was great, and it always helps to have a great, smart audience. i could really feel the energy out there.

and then it was over. over and done with. actors got flowers, hugs, and compliments from the friends and families, and even some of the other teenagers that were only there to get extra credit. after 2 months of rehearsal, we were finally done.
- - - - - - - - - -
last night was really great, but it was also pretty sad. i mean, after being with the same 9 people pretty much every day for 2 months, we were sad to see it end. i know i felt a little sad about it because i got to spend time every day with my 3 best friends and all my drama friends, and now i won't. i mean sure, i'm gonna see them at school and in class, but it's not the same. we all got to know each other at least a little better from this play, and these are some of the memories we're gonna have for the rest of our lives. and then you start thinking about next year, how it will be the last year that we're all together. that really makes an impact.

i remember, last night alex was telling us how each of the people died, trying to get us to remember that we were playing real people, that this really happened, and that really scared the shit out of me. not so much that these real people were dead, but the thought of my friends dying really scared me. alex dying. david dying. kyle dying. i can see how anne died of a broken heart, because i don't know what i'd do without them.

bah. now it's getting me sad. so onto something else... oh yeah sara came to the play yesterday. it was really great seeing her again, and it made me fantasize again of having all of our ex-drama members come back and see us (they graduated last year). she came back from college in texas and brought her friend lois with her. so after the little cast party at school, we went over to mark and sara's house to have another little cast party there, for the older members (which was pretty much all the actors plus sam and david silver. well and maggie but i count kyle and maggie as one person). that was fun, getting to just hang out with friends and talk about "the old days". that and having all the girls take a picture with sam holding jose cuervo margarita mix and then sign "i had a great time last night" on the picture. that was fun. we told sam that he has to show the picture to all of his friends.

so yeah. now i have to do homework and such for this week. next week is spring break, so naturally all of the teachers are trying to cram in tons of things before we leave to break. they'll probably even give us a lot of homework over break too. oh well, at least i get a week of being able to sleep in. that and we might go to cruces. which reminds me i have to email my cousin and see what's up with him.

alright children, i think i've written enough for today. i'll be back later this week posting, since i don't have rehearsal everyday after school anymore.

act for the day: call up or write all your friends and tell them how much you care about them.

too... tired...

i know i have to blog about this whole week but i don't have time now... i'm in the library at school and have 5 minutes before third period. i just came to post this link that i got from wwdn. basically, it's a survey about blogs, why you blog. it only takes like 2 minutes, if that.

so go for it. i'll be back tomorrow afternoon, after i've slept all morning, being that i've been sleep deprived all week because of the play. oh yeah, i'll post on that tomorrow too.

my calling

so i was going to actually do some work, or go over my lines one last time, when i turned on the tv and started watching queen of the damned. one of the movies that i said i would never see. but you know, the thing with that is that i forgot it was about vampires, and gothic stuff, and really good music, and a really great story. one of the things that hits me sometimes, when i'm watching movies. when they get it right, they just hit it right on the head. directly. exactly. more than just fiction, more than just scifi, more than just a story... it's real. and i know that you people (most) think i'm a freak, and think that everything that's a fairytale is fiction, and yet... and yet it just feels so right. yes, i believe in ghosts (but i don't like to call them ghosts). yes, i believe in magic (or magik, if you prefer). yes, i believe in the really freaky supernatural. i believe in the obscene and fantastic. i believe that people can really change things drastically. i believe in a lot of things, yet i don't believe in god. i have no use for god. the world has no use for god. i just can't get it. but despite all of this, i still can't believe in vampires... at least not yet.

i believe in the power to move someone by music. i believe in the power of emotion. i believe in the power to control someone's mind. i believe in the power that can really fuck up the whole world... and i believe that the people who hold that power have better things to do with their time than plot to fuck up the world. i believe in the power of the earth. i believe in the power of fire. i believe that the person who could tap into the universe could let their mortal body fall away, and exist for eternity as everything, the one thing that existed before all things, as all things. i believe that buddha is one of these people. i believe that only in this state is time travel possible. i believe in death, and rebirth, and immortality, and the fact that people can't get this makes me feel alone.

despite of all my beliefs, i still have not found a loophole for loneliness. because it does matter. not a lot of things in this world matter, but if i could list them, that which cannot be searched for would be number one.

... epic thought makes me feel as if i'm doing something right. out of all the stuff that i mess up every day and will be regretting my life, one second of epic thought makes up for it. all of it, except for one thing.

mmm frank...

so i was just over at wander-lust fixing where my blog is, and as i was checking out my description i was thinking "fire, friends, flickerstick, and frank", and then click on a link and who the hell should i see? frankie, of course.

you people know that i have this thing for a certain sweet transvestite from transsexual transylvania, right?

so exams are done. i figure i aced 3, bombed 2, and got like a b on one. but hey, i never was actually trying to be valedictorian, was i? no seriously, was i? 'cause if i was, someone should've shot me. now i'm just thinking i should try and not finish out the year with a 3.8 cum. gpa. i know i know, fuck me, that i'm complaining about maybe getting a 3.8, but fuck, if you were in the situation that i'm in, you'd be pissed too. that and the whole thing about me really really hating st. mike's and everything to do with it. that doesn't really help.

neither does not having my lines memorized and we have exactly 5 days before opening night. i'm always torn when we start a new play. i always want to act in it, 'cause i don't do anything else in school and it gives me something to be known for (i know it sounds stupid), but then i remember all the hell we go through actually putting the production together. learning lines. learning blocking. having to put up with her re-blocking everything every time we do it. getting yelled at for doing something she told you to do in the scene last week. getting yelled at for feeling sick and not "being in character". being yelled at for living. fuck i put up with that enough in my life.

but here i am doing it again. i don't know if i'll act next year. i really don't. but being a senior next year, i probably will end up doing it just because.

so to change the subject, i've been thinking a lot about my relationships with my friends lately. the same frickin thing just keeps popping into my head, and i can't shake it. it's like something that eats at you until you go insane, you know?

bah. my mother just came back and it seems her arrival has triggered my writer's block. fuck. catch you later.

i could study...

i just learned how to knit. it wasn't as cool as learning how to pick a lock, but pretty damn close.

i am now going to try and make a ghetto blue scarf. or a headband or whatever.

same difference

i just spent the last hour reading this comic, and now i think i'll have to add small stories to my list of links out there.

that and little yellow different. yeah, i finally caught on to lyd after seeing it linked in almost every blog out in the blogosphere (well maybe not every blog but hey it wins bloggies, so that means a hell of a lot of people read it).

i think i have to get off now and eat lunch.

what's done is done

i got totally raped by my english essay today. totally.

add onto that all the really crappy things about today and you'll find me an emotional mess.

bah. anything i could write now would only be me complaining, so i'll save you the time and thought and skip it.

... i just don't know how long i can keep on doing this. i wonder if infj's have a tendency to go insane.

dude sure knows his macbeth

i just found this really kick ass site about macbeth. like, everything you'd ever want to know. i just want to say to the path guy, thanks man, you really helped out.

too bad it's only a 2-3 minute informal presentation, and i the visual aid, not the presentation, is due tomorrow, but hey now i don't have to bs the whole thing.

that and i gotta love the shakespeare death metal band... Shakespeare in Hell. and he's got a lot of weird chess games at the bottom of the site.

might i be done? hmm...

can you say "hypochondriac"?

how do you know if you have pneumonia? seriously, i want to know. my throat's been hurting for about 2 weeks now, up into my sinuses and head like a cold, but then there's this thing about my lungs... but i could just be overreacting.

or maybe i am sick. oh well i'll find out sometime. spring break i've got an appt. with my doc (now with los alamos medical center instead of the little crappy espanola clinic she was at before) to talk about acne-related issues and the fact that my mother wants me off the pill. hopefully i will be quite sick at that time, so that they'll have to run tests and all that stuff that i've been wanting for 4 years.

but wait. this post wasn't supposed to be about health issues. so onto other pressing matters.

the reason i didn't post much last week: major school issues. homework that i actually had to do at home. notes and papers and tests to study for, and rehearsals to 5:30pm every day. and this week i have to study for exams. fun. today i have to finish my english paper, my english project visual aid, my english notes, and then memorize my lines. also fun.

went and saw "dark blue" with daivd, kyle, and mark on friday night. it was... ok... for a corrupt cop movie set in LA. it just reminded me why i dislike LA. so, if it wasn't that i paid for the movie with my gift certificate, i would probably be upset. but hey i got a 15 year old kid into an R-rated movie, when they were checking id's, so that helps everything.

ok i really need to get off now and do my homework. catch you wednesday probably.