jackass

looked up tab on mxtabs.net

cleaned my room

got rid of the last little kitten

wish i had somewhere to go so i don't have to put up with this

must learn css

the wicca site i had linked for such a long time died. or at least i figure it did, since it takes me to a domain holding page when i click on it. so i'm taking the button down, and just leaving this link in case it ever comes back.

added a link to the US84/285 reconstruction project. i finally looked around in there and found out why the hell there are two massive mounds of dirt in cuyamungue (they call it pojoaque. apparently the cuyamungue interchange is the one by gabriel's. whatever). when they finally get done with that project, that road is gonna be chill. but for now it's a bitch having 35mph double-fine zones on a highway where you should be able to go 65-70mph. if i ever got pulled over driving to/from santa, i'd probably have a $450 ticket on my hands. let's hope that never happens.

must look at piercing shops by july 4, my yearly piercing day. maybe i can even convince someone to get pierced (or tattooed if they're 18) with me, like how alex convinced people to buy boy's shorts. except it wouldn't be for liberation... i'd say for rebellion except that if you're still 17 you'd need your parent/guardian to sign off on it. so just for the heck of it.

i'm torn between gutting my room and surfing the net to learn how to do css. clean room, more code knowledge. room people can actually visit, easier way to do webpages. no more clutter, nicer-looking clutter in html. oh the choices.

since no one's getting on aim, and since i want alex to come see the little boy (aka scamp or mini-milo), i think i'll clean my room.

and apparently blogger's eating posts again. my advice: type your post out in word before putting it on blogger and publishing it. or just highlight and copy it once you've written it. that way, if it does eat it, you can just paste it back and try it again. blogger's also been messing up people's archives. so every once in a while, go back into your archive (you know that button right between template and team) and hit "republish all". usually that works. if it doesn't, sign out and then sign back in and try it again. if you've published a post, it's in blogger archives. they don't delete them. they just get... misplaced is all.

oh i hope blogger gets done with its move very very soon. it's pissing a lot of people off and i don't want them to stop blogging. bah.

kosher now i'm getting off to clean my room.

double shot of espresso? sure, why not

here i was thinking that i wouldn't do a damn thing the whole first week of break. was i wrong. i am now officially broke now though. maybe that'll make me settle down and do some work around here, what with filing and cleaning and making hemp stuff and all. and maybe we'll get our sewing machine fixed and make a bunch of halter tops and sell them like we wanted to two summers ago.

speaking of sewing, i was trying to fall asleep something like two nights ago (still have to go get some sleeping pills) and i thought of a way i could cover my arms when i go out. since i'm really not supposed to be in the sun at all, and it's really hot outside and i wear all my spaghetti-strapped shirt things, i need something to cover my arms when i'm driving and such. when i was a vampire for halloween a couple years ago, i cut the legs off a pair of black tights to sew on a dress as sleeves. now i can just rip them off the dress, sew elastic on the ends, and i have a nice sun-shade. thinking on it, it'll probably be super hot, since it's black, and lycra-ish and stuff. but hey, i wear my sweatshirt when it's really hot just because i'm too lazy to take it off. i think i can manage.

ah. summer.

i don't heart google.

i wish they'd get the switchover DONE ALREADY! blogger is being a bitch to load, and blogspot is totally messed up. i'm afraid to look at my template and see that IT'S NOT THERE. the new service after this better be hella good, for what we have to put up with.

question: do cartilage piercings hurt really really bad? 'cause the only way i can get my ears pierced again is to do a cartilage piercing, and i don't want to do it if there's major pain and then the piercing ends up getting fucked because i can't take it and take the ring out. i think way too much about this.

the internet is pissing me off lately, so i'm off. catch you later.

memories

my dad's watching the horse whisperer. i really like this movie (so far) 'cause it looks like they're doing stuff right... the cattle ranching, horses, and such. they had a scene in there where they were branding, and it made me tingle, because they were doing it old school ranch style like how we did it. granted, they had a hell of a lot more calves to brand than we did (our little herd of twenty something didn't compare to any herd that they have out there (we figure montana)), but still. it made me remember all the good times, working with our cows. i remember, before we got our calf-table, how we had to rope those little rascals, tie their legs, and sit on 'em to brand them. i remember when i got initiated into the cattle raising life, getting kicked by the little sucker 'cause i didn't hold on tight enough. i remember my uncle (the cowboy) treating me like i was his little cowgirl, that i could wrestle a little calf to the ground (with his help, of course. i was only about seven or eight). whenever they needed help, they'd call the regular handful of men, and bring me along. 'cause no matter how many times i got kicked, or stepped on, or smashed, i took it like it was nothing and kept on going. remember to hold them tight. look here, this is our brand. make sure the iron is hot enough, and that you get it straight the first time, 'cause you don't want to put that calf under any more stress. and then when i got a little older, i got to help with butchering. for all the vegitarians who read this, i won't write down those memories. but i really do miss it. we sold all the last of our cows this year, because of the drought (no water + no grass = no pasture/food for cows). i wish we didn't have to do it, but you know, this way my dad gets to stay home on weekends, and they don't have to go fix fence all the time or look for cows that got into the neighbor's property.

it's just... good memories is all.

they had all the matrix movies checked out today, so instead of doing matrix day as planned, we did a hang out for three hours and go see the lizzie mcguire movie instead day. it was fun. i got to hang out with alex and talk about stuff. guys. girls. summer plans. jumping people. how we really don't have that many friends. and then we were totally let down when lizzie and gordo didn't make out in the movie. we were so looking forward to that. bah. oh well.

it rained today. or at least in santa it did. i loved watching the lightning. and the dark clouds. and the feel of a rainy day.

weirdness.

i'm thinking maybe i'll clean my room tomorrow, since i've got nothing to do.

you know alex, it'd be kosher with me if brit came with us when we hang out like we did today. i mean, i've always enjoyed her presence. just a thought.

mmm darkness

when was the last time it rained here? i can't remember. but i can see the dark clouds outside, and the puddles on the ground. i can feel the cool air. i can hear distant thunder and the water dripping off the roof. makes me feel relaxed with the world.

rain is such a wonderful thing.

now it makes sense

hey, you guys know how we were discussing theories of the matrix this past week? well, i was at the blogger main and checked out the matrix essays. it's awesome. it makes so much sense now, what i was trying to understand.

caution though: if you haven't seen matrix reloaded, the site is full of spoilers.

but really, really good explanations.

trampoline philosophy

i honestly really enjoyed last night. i don't usually have a whole lot of fun at parties, but i did last night. it was... nice. nice to hang out with all my friends on the day we got out of school. nice to be together.

mona came up from burque. and mona is always super fun. i miss mona... i think i might actually join speech next year just to see mona more often.

water balloons. and pools. and trampolines. oh my!

the best part of the night though was when alex, matt, bryan, and i were sitting on the tramp and matt was teaching us astronomy. which led into a whole philosophical discussion. it was really awesome. really, totally awesome.

it was the opposite of last year's party. which is good.

i love feeling totally comfortable with my friends.

whole new doors open up, and i just might walk through a couple of them.

kosher...

thursday night i had another one of those weird dreams. very odd. well, here:

i was in this '40s sort of club. well, it was the '40s. i was standing to the side of it all and my boyfriend ('40s boyfriend) comes over to me, holds out a ring, and asks me to marry him. i'm overjoyed, and feeling loved. then he goes off to tell someone. i get this weird feeling that he shouldn't leave, and i don't want him to go, just stay with me. after a minute i go into the room he went into. there he was, on the floor, dead. shot. i turn around and these mob guys are sitting at a table, and i know that they killed him. but i didn't know why. i don't know if it was shock or sorrow or whatever but i just stood there. in a '40s nightclub. with my dead fiancé on my right side, and a table full of mobsters on my left side.

now analyze THAT.

fear a person with morals

so i'm done. with oh so many things.

no more school. can't say as that's a good thing right now... but my exams were pretty easy today. it helps that i actually studied a little for my exams this time. so i expect a 4.0 again this quarter. i had to get a 91% on my english exam to get an A in that class, and i've been getting consistent 70-75% on essays all year, so i doubt that will happen. but if it does, if it does, i'll have a 4.1 something. which is good for keeping a consistent 4.1 cum. gpa. which i have now. or, had, depending on this last quarter.

i just finished a lot of html for my compsci site. and after all this time, i'm done. done for now, at least. so hey, go over to the site and check out what i accomplished this past semester in my compsci class. there's a lot of really helpful stuff in there, especially if you're gonna take compsci next year. and, unit 6 was html (hence the site), so if you want you could try and learn some html. it could be helpful.

i had another wicked dream last night. and i'm going to post it, but not now. now i have to get ready for katie's party. should be fun.

and now i've been on the net way too long, so i'm off.

SO confused

i'm just gonna stop trying to understand people. it's way too confusing, given that people are so damn unpredictable. bah.

two exams to go. bah. i REALLY don't want school to be out.

i've got nothing.

oh yeah, i LOVE error 404 messages

i have a little orange kitten on my lap, and he just woke up, which means he'll probably want to play now. bite my fingers and scratch me sort of play. fun.

two exams down, three to go. sometime today i have to read my psych book and figure out what the exam will be on. other than that, i've got nothing planned. maybe i'll take a nap...

aw, so much wonderful code to steal. i have to tie up some loose ends at my compsci website before he grades it this weekend. which means i'll be on the net a good while for the next three days.

it's been ticking me off a bit lately that blogspot blogs are a little fucked up, in the sense that you have to refresh the page about 3 times for it to show up. a downside of whatever the hell blogger's messing with in their move. stupid google.

google: the next aol.

wait, does aol own google?

oh well. hey people what are you doing after exams? lunch? hanging out? i mean, i have only $2 to spend, but i'm sure i have a free 6" sub at subway, and i could manage to pay for a medium soda. and you don't have to study for bio tomorrow, and friday you'll be done with everything. just a question, you know.

mmm. off to code.

captain peroxide

not what i expected, but still good.

they used trogdor in the series finale! they were plaing d&d and andrew was trogdor the burninator! that alone made my night.

i figured anya would die. i really, really wanted kennedy to die. and dawn. but mostly kennedy. what does it take to kill that girl?

i really didn't expect that to happen with spike. it probably would've helped if i had watched angel season finale and knew what the hell he was talking about, but as it is james marsters was signed up to be on angel next year, so HE'S NOT DEAD. well, he is in the whole vampires are dead way, but not non-existant dead. HE'S NOT.

sad it wasn't a two hour finale, think they got gypped by that, but in all, it was a decent way to end it.

in other news:

had an ortho appt this morning. seems as they overcorrected whatever the hell they were doing with the rubberbands. which i knew, because now i can't bite right. but no more rubber bands for now. hopefully never again, but i just do what they tell me.

saw identity again, this time with alex. still a really good movie. and i scoped out that that theater has a really nice make out spot in the corner. not like i'm ever gonna take advantage of that knowledge...

semi studied for my trig exam tomorrow. i didn't write anything on my unit circle, mainly because it's a 2" square piece of paper. but i figure i have to get above a 72% on the exam to keep an A in that class. so i'm good there. same with english, i have to get above a 51% on the exam to keep my B. i don't know what i have to get to keep an A in psych, and i have no idea what grade i have now in history. compsci, i already took my exam like a month ago. guitar, well, it's guitar. it's like practically handing me an A. and doughnuts and a glass of milk. mmm milk.

you know your friend knows you when she can write like how you think. it's really quite creepy. blogger archives are shot. so you're probably gonna have to go to her main and scroll down to find today's (may 20) post. yeah. blogger seriously sucks in the archive department. sorry.

in even other news:

i'm slightly confused by something. maybe it's because i understand some people extremely well, and others i have no idea what the hell they're thinking. alex, must talk to you on this. goes with previous post that you were asking me about today.

i'm in debt now, about $70. all the time it's been my parents owing me money, but now i'm into them for money. it's not a good feeling. especially since that was all my money i had until my birthday in six months. ah, i'll figure something out. i have to.

bah. i'm all out of things to rant about. people will be studying for the rest of the bio exam tomorrow, so i'll probably come right home after tomorrow's exams.

bah.

who says being morbid's a bad thing?

i don't know. right now i don't feel like doing anything at all. i don't want to move. to get up. i just want to sleep. is that bad? wanting to sleep for a whole day. not waking up, not laying there awake in bed, but to be completely asleep, all day.

how do you tell your friend what you feel without ending the friendship? is it possible? is it possible to be completely truthful with the people you love and not expect to get hurt? i don't know.

taking a chance could be the best thing i could do in my life, or the worst thing. from past experience, it was the worst thing. every time i take a chance, i end up regretting it. and i don't want to end up regretting this. it's all gonna end, but i don't want it to end yet. the end of next year will come soon enough.

being optimistic saved my life. now i think i've just become passive, waiting to die, 'cause i know there's nothing to be optimistic for.

the jibblies

for people who like techno... and strongbad... check out the cheat's lightswitch rave. i'm actually tempted to download the song. i could spend hours surfing strong bad emails.

and i do.

so last day of school. well, for this year at least.

wow, i have no brain power left at all today.

wednesday's child

i'm DONE! no more notes for the rest of the year! which is only four days, but still. it's a refreshing feeling. if only i had remembered that i had an essay to write, that's worth 20% of our exam. good thing david told me, or i'd be sol tomorrow. now, i don't know if i'm gonna actually do it now or in psych tomorrow, but at least i can say that i didn't forget, i'm just procrastinating.

we took apart our computer this morning. we wanted to put the scsi card from my mom's old computer in the new computer (well, this computer) so we could use the scanner. needless to say, my mom's computer was an old computer. as in my dad's old computer that he used at his law office. yeah. that's like '94-'97. i tell you i don't know how that thing still works. anyway, since it was such a dinosaur, the scsi card didn't fit into our nice new-ish dell. it'll either cost around $100 for a nice new card, or $120 for a nice new scanner.

we're buying the scanner.

so my dad's gonna put an ad in the thrifty nickel to sell our scanner and the computer that he just bought two weeks ago. he didn't think that no one would use it once he put word perfect on this computer, so he bought it. now he's selling it, along with the monitor, and all that other old stuff.

which means money for scanner. and maybe a printer. and maybe a digital camera. oh the possibilities. but of course, there's still those pesky things known as bills. damn.

we have one full day of school left. i thought i was doing very good this weekend, homework wise. all i have to do is a whole book worth of notes, right? wrong. i have a trig review worksheet that i don't know if he's gonna pick up tomorrow. i have a whole history review that i know my mom's gonna quiz us on. and then there's this whole english essay thing i didn't know i had to do for tomorrow.

that's what i get for being optimistic.

i have to study for 3 of my 6 classes for exams, given that we already took our exam in compsci, english you can't study for, and i don't even count guitar as a class. that leaves trig (only because i wasn't paying attention the past month when he was introducing us to calc), psych (like i ever pay attention in that class), and history (i'm CERTAIN i didn't pay attention this last quarter in history. what did we study? some war?). so yeah.

oddness. i'm not ready for school to be over. bah. i want to be with my friends this whole summer, but i know i'll probably only see alex maybe 5 times the whole summer, and not see anyone else until book day next school year.

i think i'm gonna be going through friend withdrawals like i was last year.

typos suck

my mom left early this morning, before i got up, and took all the kittens to give them away. out of 10 kittens, we now only have one. and he's such a good kitten too. we might keep him, if we can get him, um, unmanly (poor thing will never look at a female cat the same way again). but if you guys want a very cute orange male kitten, we have one.

now all we have to do is catch and get rid of the stupid wild cats.

i woke up this morning feeling pretty good. i haven't been able to sleep in for two weeks, since last weekend we left early to cruces. it's warm outside, sunny, still a little windy, my brother left to santa, and i'm going to mess with the computer. now if i could only finish all 14 chapters of notes in 2-3 hours, i'd have a perfect day.

freaking out on thursday sorta made me think about what i've wanted to do this whole year. so for this summer i'm going to:

clean my room. go through with boxes and a garbage bag and box or throw everything that i never use away. meaning everything except school stuff (pens, stationary, etc.), my beading and hemp stuff, my camera stuff, my cd's (and accessories), and my books. i plan to have my room completely empty, so that it'll be easier to paint it/move around in it. oddly, i have this thing with everything having to be perfect, organized, and yet my room is really messy. it makes me twitch now, so that has to be changed.

excercise. yeah i know, pathetic, but i haven't really moved around (let alone actually tried to excercise) since freshman basketball tryouts. if i wasn't in drama, and didn't hate T so much, i wouldn't have quit the team and not tried out again. hey, who knows, i'd probably be going out for varsity next year. same with soccer. no time for drama, and having to put up with an insane coach. i've always had a thing against softball, so i would've never gone out for it. i think it's the whole underhand pitching thing and the fact that it's not a soft ball, it's just a really really huge ball. i'd much rather still be playing baseball. but anyway, i'm gonna see if i can afford any yoga classes that are going to be out there, and who knows maybe i'll even go to the wellness center and work out a couple days a week. but given how much i dislike being around people i used to know, that probably will never happen.

code more/learn more about computers. so i did sorta make up my mind, i want to do something with computers in college. i really want to learn everything i can about computers, and programming, setup, and everything else. i get satisfaction when i can outsmart the evil computers. it makes me feel like i've accomplished something. and you know, maybe this will help me get a job next year.

yes, next year. i really don't want to get a job this summer. i know that i need the money, but i'm just not ready to take on that responsibility. i'm still prone to forgetting things really easily, and i don't think that would be a good thing in a job. now if i could find something where i work alone, on something that i know about, with people who don't scare the crap out of me, then i might get a job. but right now, i'm not looking, i'm not trying, and i really don't feel like i can handle a job.

narrow down colleges. or rather actually find colleges. right now i only have 3 names: berkeley (which probably will never happen, although everyone in my family says that i could totally get into berkeley, and would fit in really well. not to mention UC employees get in-state tuition. but you know, UC might not get the lab contract in '05, so then where would that leave me?), colorado state (just because it's in colorado, and colorado=skiing. well, and that it's decently close to new mexico), and of course nmsu (not so much because it's close to home, just that i know cruces already, and i know that i like cruces. nmsu is one of the top engineering colleges out there, and it won't cost my parents crap for me to go there, given that i'd probably get full-ride. yes, it's my safety school, but my safety school looks really good right now).

other than that, i don't know. i'll probably apply to UVA for alex, even though i don't really want to go east coast, and tuition is something to think about. the only other colleges i've given thought to are ones in washington/oregon.

so yeah. that's the plan. who knows if i'll actually go with the plan or just sit on my ass all summer like i have every year before this. bah.

now i'm gonna see if i can hook up our scanner and get our two computers networked. fun. oh yeah and that whole 14 chapters of notes thing. damn, i almost forgot about that.

truth

once again, i was going to write an epic post. but since i no longer live in my house anymore, i can't really post when i want. or do anything else for that matter. fucking fuck.

so while twitching to get on here, i started totally freaking out, like usual. except that before the past couple of months, it hadn't happened for a long time. but there i was, totally wigging out anxiety attack throw everything in sight away or else break it or burn it and then stay up all night pacing back and forth tapping my fingers almost making myslef bleed repeating a phrase for minutes on end getting hot getting insane starting to cry trying to sit down but i can't stop i have to keep moving too many things too much noise too much too much TOO MUCH. i still feel twitchy and i know that if i wasn't typing right now i'd be tapping. and when that starts... all hell breaks loose inside of my head.

i am mad at people. why do i try and deny it? i am mad at stupid people who do stupid things to people they "love". it's just complete shit.

why can't they just leave us alone?

i'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. and i haven't gotten any sleeping pills or such, so i'm pretty much fucked.

i am choosing to believe zander. i believe that what he says is true, because he hasn't given me a reason to not believe him. and you know, so what if it's a lie. i choose fiction over reality. reality hasn't given me a reason to choose it instead.

and now i'm being thrown off. great. this is just what i needed in my life.

get a life?

i REFUSE to believe it.

but if it is true, i have to say nice job man, really nice job. fucked a lot of people up in the process, but what great mind doesn't?

a helpful tip on pics

so i got a tip from the comments, oddly from someone named kristin... that told me that if you sign up with shutterfly.com, it'll let you link your pictures and post them in your blog. i tried it, and it works. so thanks for the alternative to yahoo photos, which doesn't work.

someone remind me that i signed up with them if i ever ask.

my englilish paper

there are a few things on the net that can keep me entertained for hours on end.

one is homestarrunner.com, more specifically strong bad's emails.

the other is the everyday happenings of weebl and sometimes weebls friend bob, otherwise known as weebl & bob. kyle, you got this in my head today with your post. so much so that i went and got weebl & bob wallpaper. now my desktop says "when come back bring pie". but they should definitely have the wanker one up there too.

and games like collapse, javanoid (otherwise known as pong. i love pong), connection, and trogdor the game.

also, coding takes up a lot of time. any time i mess with blog templates, or set up someone else's blog, or try and add another page to my compsci site, it takes up a lot of my time.

blogging does too, but lately i haven't been able to write much, and i use major linkage to make up for lack of content. it doesn't really work though. oh well.

coming: the etiquette of finding blogs, and so on and so forth

now THAT'S a rock

so tired. i'm gonna need some ibuprofin tonight. ah well.

listening to ben folds live.

this weekend was fun. i got to see my cousins again, got to hang out at the farmhouse again and enjoy the warmth and acres of pecan trees. but the drought's really gonna fuck over a whole lot of people this year. no water for irrigation. people are having to drill more wells, that is if they want to keep their crops. my uncle got their irrigation water for the whole year - one day of water - and was only able to water 12 out of 19 acres. yeah, it looked really bad. a drought will really fuck farmers up.

two divorces, one engagement, and one majorly sick car. ask me about it in september.

i could totally see myself at state. i mean, we didn't get to go there 'cause of the time we got in, and the stupid hotel didn't let us check in til three, but anyway yeah.

it was just, nice.

we have two weeks of school left. i have no idea what i'm doing this summer. i don't know. i was asked endlessly this weekend "so where do you want to go to college?" it's really irking me by now. i wish someone would just say "you're going to this college" so i wouldn't have to deal with it.

bah. i'm tired. i need sleeping pills, pain killers, allegra, and something that'll make me eat. or make me not get sick when i do.

alex, can i live at your house every day after school for the next two weeks?

the wonderful world of code

so to start off: apparently i was wrong about being able to post pictures on your blog from a yahoo photos account. i've tried endlessly, and it doesn't work, and i don't know why. so i guess if you want pictures on your blog using that method, you're gonna have to just put a link to the page with the picture, or a link to the picture, but you can't post it up here with a simple image source tag. the only other way i figure you could post pictures up here using the yahoo photos method is somehow find them on a google image search. and i have no idea how google's bots find the images for the search, so there you go.

i finally finished kyle's blog template completely. this whole week i've been trying to put up his title, but since i had to save it as a jpg picture, and the whole yahoo photos thing didn't work, and tripod and geocities wouldn't let me link a picture on here, i finally got myself an angelfire account. apparently angelfire does let you link an uploaded picture from your site. good to know for any other templates/pictures i want to post.

oh and there's always that option. sign up for an angelfire account (website) and upload your pictures there, and then just link it with an image source tag as usual.

it's been insanely windy here the past few days. droughts do a few things: cause huge dust storms whenever it's windy, cause extreme fire risk everywhere (everybody in los alamos probably hates the drought because of this), make people only be able to water their plants/lawns like twice a week (which i still don't get... i mean this is a desert people, you're not gonna get grass and plants to grow in a desert. and some of the other stuff people try to plant in this elevation. but what do i know). and the one that i hate the most... allergies. i've been feeling like total crap for the past four days because all these allergens have been using my sinuses as a punching bag. stupid histamines.

so we leave to cruces at something like 7am tomorrow. if you drive 90-95mph without stopping, you can get to las cruces in about three hours. but we're stopping somewhere to eat breakfast, and i don't think my dad wants another speeding ticket, so it'll probably be the regular five hour trip. this'll be good. i'll get to hang out with my mom's family that i don't see all that often, and my cousins, and i'll be in cruces. i don't know, i've always liked cruces. going there every year for holidays, walking around nmsu's campus, walking across the street from my grandparents' house to that coffee shop. shorts and tank tops. pecans. warm nights. and the parties with the family. oh, the parties.

we won't get back until around 6:30pm on sunday, because on our way home we have to stop at my aunt's in burque for a mothers' day lunch/dinner thing. crap i totally forgot about mother's day (ok wait now is it mothers' day or mother's day? either way could be correct i think... weird).

virtually no homework this weekend except for reading and notes. i'll probably read the rest of my name is asher lev on the trip, and i won't do notes until the day before i have to turn them in. so i can sleep and hang out this weekend.

my brother's coming back tonight from LA. staying all of summer. that's all i have to say about that.

movies that i didn't comment on earlier: identity. totally go and see this movie. you think it's all horror-movie predictable, but that's the point of it. really go see it. it'll throw you for a loop.

uprising. i watched this movie for a presentation i had to do in history, and i really, really liked it. it has a lot of really great actors in it, and they do an exceptional job. i'd say this is the kind of movie that you show in school when studying wwii and the holocaust. it's just something that you have to see to get the full feeling of it. i think i might rent it again sometime in the next few weeks. it was that good.

in my very unused other blog i put in a plug for wil's book, so i figure i might as well do it here too. i've been reading WWdN since the end of december '01. i really like it, but then again i really like close encounters of the zanderkind and gut rumbles too. (yes, more linkage so blogshares will pick up that i have links to them on my blog).

seems i have inadvertantly turned a few people onto trogdor. which rocks. now i really really want the trogdor shirt. oh, if i only had a check card. or money for that matter.

ok, i think i've ranted and provided enough linkage to make up for a week of not posting. catch you guys on sunday maybe.

could i be you

so i'm back, i guess. a lot of shit has been flying through my head the past week, and now i'm extremely tired and feel sick so what better time to post, huh?

i made a point to get kyle's blog template done before we leave to cruces on saturday, so that's what i've spent the past four days on. it's reminded me that i really hate my computer, and broken tags, and broken sites (blogger, tripod, enetation, etc.). but i finally got it done, after changing most all of the html in a template so it would look how i want it. so now i can say that i made a skin for a blog, even though it really pissed me off sometimes. but anything i could come up with would've been better than me twitching every time the font changed on kyle's posts. that was really too much for me to handle. and besides, he really likes the tatu template, and that's what matters. so yeah.

so tired. oh prom. prom was... prom. i mean it was fun, but i could've lived without it. i was there for two people, and they were happy that i was there, so in that way it was a success. but yeah, i meant the excuses that i put out there a while ago about why i wouldn't go to prom. i wasn't miserable, in fact there were some really nice moments... nice memories... that i'm glad about, and i was forceably taken onto the dancefloor and made to dance, despite my not wanting to. and that could go two ways, but it's not worth talking about right now. so i don't know. prom. i could've taken it either way. parts of it i look back on and am really happy about, others just make me sad.

it just sends me into a total downward spiral. thinking about everything. thinking about people. the same old crap that always fucks me up. i don't want to feel anymore. i just don't. i want to be one solid black color. one even mood. one even personality.

there are three colors in my life: blue, black, and grey. today was a grey day. yesterday was a grey day. i've had a long span of grey days with black nights. perfectly black thoughts. i had a perfectly blue moment at prom. it's been a hell of a long time since i've had a blue moment. i can't even remember having a blue day. i have a feeling that tomorrow's gonna be a black day, stemming from about two hours ago. i want it to be a black day. if it can't be a blue day, it better be a black day. none of this grey emotional headcase crap.

so many things that you've said to me. i look back on it now and realize that you're completely right. i knew you were right then when you told me, i just was grey and couldn't process it. almost everything that you've ever said. it's a shame the way things have to end up.

i've just... been so busy this week. all the crap that teachers put you through. stupid projects. AP test that's a total waste of time and money and energy. people who just don't understand, and me just not having the energy anymore to put up with having to explain. the politics of things. power. not being able to change things.

welcome to your life, now give me it.

i'm done. i'm just done with everything.

i need a blue day.