oh the antici... (SAY IT!)... pation

i was just thinking, almost everywhere i look recently, i've been seeing things that talk about what i was just thinking that day or soon before. like my post, when did you change, i read the handout my mom gave us for drama about our characters later, and it was the same thing. and then i was thinking about life and my theory on time and multiple lives/universes, and then i read siddhartha and it's looking me right in the face. all the time the past two weeks this has been happening, and i find it pretty cool.

the ep came in exactly on time (the connextion rocks, i can depend that i'll get whatever i ordered two days after they shipped it (which is usually the day i order it, if it's not preorder). first class priority mail. they know how to satisfy their customers). i didn't get a chance to listen to it yesterday because i was so insane with drama and homework and getting my costume ready for halloween. so today coming home i put it in the van's cd player and oh, it's blue all over again. flickerstick is well worth a wait. it's been what, four or five years since they've recorded anything really new in studio (whta epic doesn't count, even though it had execution and smile on it). it's a slightly different sound, but that's well expected. and it's still flickerstick, and it's still awesome. i have to figure out the lyrics so i can put them up at the compsci site.

it's just... listening to brandin singing, and hearing the guys play and knowing that they really, really felt good about it, and they did it on their own terms, it just has this chill, open, out there vibe to it.

and the little extra at the end of the ep doesn't hurt. it's rex talking. well, it sounds like rex and not el dangeroso, 'cause el dangeroso is a little more wild than just rex. but anyway, yeah.

i just finished listening to it three times straight (only six songs), and i'd listen to it more now if i wouldn't get reminded that listening to music with earbuds for a long period of time will fuck up my hearing.

i need to find a house with a dvd player, that i might be able to borrow for an hour so i can see the dvd. maybe tomorrow.

mmm. i just got an email from a street teamer. another great article about flickerstick (you know, while i'm on the subject and all).

outside the flickerstick world:

26 Things : 2 just started. it's the whole month of november, and now with my digital i can join in the fun. i've been really looking forward to this since july, and hopefully it'll give me some artistic room to learn. i really need to start taking some more pictures. speaking of, i found one way to do the slideshow: microsoft movie maker. the only thing is that when you put more than one still picture on a timeline and play it like a slideshow, it's really out of focus on full screen. which is really bad. i had the thought of learning flash sometime between now and then, and doing the slideshow in flash. if only i knew xml. and had the flash software and documentation. but i'm really wanting to get this done, and besides if i can take a class somewhere on flash then it won't just be beneficial to the project, but also work (i'm hoping) and college.

i downloaded the pictures from alex's surprise party onto the computer this morning. i'll hopefully get time to look at them this weekend. i took a couple pictures today, mostly of daivd and his awesome costume, but i'm sure i'll be able to take more tomorrow.

hmm... i just found out (a couple hours ago) that my phone can get messages. i don't know how... we're not signed up for any kind of service like that... who knows. i never pay attention to those things until they happen.

i got my mom to rent the crow for me today. i want to have her watch it too (for the awsome acting and how powerful the movie as a whole is, not for some creepy punishment for her). i've been listening to the soundtrack all week in my car. i bought that cd four or five years ago, maybe longer, and didn't listen to it more than once then. but i've been really into it the whole week. i try to remember what track goes to what scene, but i can only pick out a couple. so i'm watching it again, for halloween/devil's night/day of the dead, and because i really want to see brandon in that role again. if you've never seen the crow, and read about the story behind the movie, about brandin and all, and experienced a part of the "cult" following behind the movie, well. i recommend the movie. it's great acting, a great story, great photography, to make up a really powerful movie.

i decided to stay home tonight and just shed this whole week off me. i still want to go to matt's and see the firey display, but i don't feel like driving back in just to have to come home early. i have satii's tomorrow (to my great dismay), but this is the last big thing i have to do. well, i have to write my three essays and fill out the application for uc, but once this next week or two is over i'll hopefully have time to do it. before november 30th.

but ah, the physics project. i almost forgot about that.

mmm. must be off.

if i could have my way

a few things that would be required this week:

watch the crow on devils night, contemplate love, death, and awesome acting, try to get it into your head that brandon really is dead, which sends you into a desired depressed/contemplative mood.

watch rocky horror on halloween in theater with audience participation. there's no better way. check out the hottest transvestite from transsexual transylvania and covet those awesome pumps he has. mmm frank.

día de los muertos. i always have this urge to make an altar, but never did (a little too pagan for my family i think. not that it matters now). and

plan your epitaph day. a definite must.

i have a feeling none of that is going to happen. which really isn't nice right now.

i miss life beyond school.

i need to stop sitting in front of this computer

another html reference link:

html code tutorial

i've spent way too much time working on my compsci site for the past couple days. and i still have to do homework.

um... i'm confused...

now, i got my 1300. but not in a good way. seems i upped on the english, but went horribly down on the math (first: 620 math 660 verbal, second: 580 math 720 verbal). i wanted the 1300 because it looks better than a 1280, but it's not good to have a low math score when my major is going to be math related.

damn.

i'm debating giving berkeley the 1280... well, in their estimation a 30 on the act's is equivalent to a 1340 on the sat's. bah.

oh well. this just means i have to do super well on my satii math test. maybe i should study for that one...

three day weekend, one third over. i spent pretty much the whole day adding flickerstick lyrics to my compsci website yesterday, and now i have to finish. and do homework, but when do i ever do homework on a saturday.

maybe i'll have today be a movie day.

time heals but i'm forever broken

when did this happen. when did life pass me by and in a fit of rage i just let go. when did everything go wrong, and in my disillusionment i convinced myself i was out of it, when really i never left, just got more bitter as time went by.

when did i stop being enthusiastic. i can't remember the last time i was really, genuinely enthusiastic about something, so into life that my mind was full of smiles and happiness. can't remember.

it's been a long road, getting to who i am in this moment, and i can't tell if i was always this way, truely, or if something happened to make me snap. i remember so little of who i was when i was a kid. just that i was always terrified of people, of getting yelled at, of meeting new people, of straying from my routine. terrified. she's shy they'd say. always quiet and shy. why? why quiet and shy? why not she doesn't want to step into shit that'll get her in trouble. why not she can't handle us because we don't understand her? why. things would've been better if people had just left me alone. at least i like to tell myself that.

who was i? i was someone who hated yelling and screaming so much, thought it so painful in any situation, that i internalized it, making it so that i physically can't scream or yell. that's who i was, and who i am now.

i was someone who found out that no matter if you did something wrong or not, you're always gonna get shit for it. damned if you do, damned if you don't, my childhood mantra. avoid getting blamed for shit you didn't do as much as possible, but in the end it doesn't matter anyway. children have no power. children are never right. children need discipline, because they are all guilty. just stand there and take it, until you master being able to block out the words and actions of your accusers. that's all you can do, take it, because you have no power, and if the shit really hits the fan, where are you gonna go?

i was someone who distrusted everyone. don't share your feelings or thoughts, 'cause that shit will come back to haunt you in the end. everyone you think might possibly be worthy of your trust, really isn't. you've already been down that road too many times before, you don't have to prove it to yourself again. don't give them an opening to your soul just to have them beat it down. it's not worth it.

i was someone who didn't have anything to say, because children aren't meant to say anything, really. no one cares, and you'll most likely just get hurt by voicing your opinion anyway.

so i kept to myself. it worked, for the most part.

when did it happen. when. the moment i left all my friends and everything i knew, against my will (because children don't really have any will, adults have to make choices for them), and went to and eternal hell as i knew it. was it then? i don't know. i became angry at my situation and that i couldn't change it (damned if you do, damned if you don't). anger turned into sadness, turned into not caring. if i can't live my life, i might as well not live at all.

right there.

a genius thought that made perfect sense to me. it still makes sense to me. the first time i had the fear of god to keep me from it, along with another perfect thought: things will be better. you have no idea how much that logic pissed me off. now, i have no fear of god, and i still think that things will be better (they were, but with a price), but it just doesn't seem worth the "better" anymore. not really. but i made a (stupid?) promise to myself then that i'd never go through with it, ever. and i make it a point to keep promises i've made to myself.

not caring is a wonderful thing. i don't know if you've ever experienced it. i did, in the time after that. i figured, the cause for all my pain, all my stress and unhappiness, was the fact that i cared. about anything. caring about doing good in school. making friends. obeying to avoid punishment. anything. take away all your cares, about your well being, other people's thoughts of you, your parents expectations or whatever crap they're pulling with you now. death. life. love. hate. just stop caring. let it all go. nothing affects you then, because whatever happens, you don't attach yourself to it, to the consequenses.

it was my release. my chance to block out the world, and just focus on myself. what i'm feeling at any given moment, my thoughts, my questions. i streamlined my "logic of unhappiness" to one statement: you care about things because you're thinking of the future, what implications your actions have on your future. you're attached to your future. let it go. what is the future, really? you can't predict it, because every choice you make changes it. you can't be in it, because everything you experience is the present. you can never know what the "future" holds. so why do we hold to the thought of a future? it didn't make sense, so i made it make sense for me. there is no future. there is only your thoughts and emotions at the moment, your present actions, and the knowledge you have from the past.

that, my friends, was an epic thought.

but was it always there, or did one moment in time spawn all that came from it?

that can go two ways, depending on how i view time at this moment. and i don't want to get into it, because that theory is big enough to fill it's own post.

my beliefs, my views. when? it began then, but it didn't really happen until right now. when i realized i'm behind. behind life. other people can hold on to time, consciously move with it, and they never get passed by. they've done what's expected of them, they're ready to move on. and since i never cared, i lost track of time. no, not lost track. i could see it moving by, vividly, i just couldn't bring myself to grit my teeth and bare it, letting time take me with it. a sort of deviance, i guess. i see you passing without me, well then just go. i don't need you anyway. you've never done anything for me, so why should i follow you.

and it's me. right now. bitter and angry, pessimistic and broken by time. when. why. i try and pinpoint it, but i know i'm still wrong. things just happen when they happen, and you don't ever think of taking note to slight changes in your personality, if they're even changes at all, or just something being brought out that you've always had in you.

but the fact is now i'm behind. and i don't know what i want more, to try and catch up, to go with the flow and see where time takes me, or to defiantly stand my ground, cussing out time as it goes by.

"i try to fool myself in believing things are gonna get better, but life goes on"

i knew i liked that album for a reason.

i'm tired of caring. and i do, now, unfortunately. i've cared for three years (consequently i've also felt this way for three years). and caring has brought me some great people, but in awhile they'll be gone, what is there to care about that's worth it when they're gone? them, of course, because you can't just stop loving someone.

when isn't a time, it's a state of being. why isn't a valid question, just an excuse to explain away who you are. you are never who you were before, no matter how much you think you are. you can't pinpoint change, change is relative. and i can't do anything but ramble for an hour, and get back to nowhere.

i just need time.

how ironic.

mmm frank

i needed something to brighten my day, so i searched out this picture again. you'll especially like it if you're into rocky horror.

and transvestites.

"the mind of god is music resonating
through ten dimensional hyperspace"
- michio kaku

the sad thing about me understanding what we were talking about today in physics is that it only happens once per quarter. all the good theoretical, "out there" physics, we don't do. no, we may mention it, but then we go back to our century old equations.

physics should not be a math class.

large amounts of homework this week. i did manage to get out of the cruces trip, since i didn't want to go see state any time soon. now maybe i'll have a day to chill this weekend.

i need to get ahold of a mac. and a dvd burner.

maybe sometime this weekend i'll post my theory on time and parallel universes. fun.

out of the blue

time is such an odd thing. minutes, days, years of your life behind you before you even realize it. one day you wake up and you're 18 years old. is it different from every other day? do you feel the time change with the day? or do birthdays make you think of time in a totally different light?

i don't dwell on time, i dwell on feelings and thought.

i hope that wherever you are, you can find and cherish the day's moments of happiness. that you can reflect on your life, without dwelling on the past or thinking of the future, and feel content with the moment you're in right now. that at any moment you can close your eyes and know that you will never be alone, that no matter where you are, someone is always thinking of you. that for every birthday that you feel important, you know that you are just as important every other day of the year. that at whatever time, you will stay true to yourself and do what makes you happy.

cherish your feelings, your memories, your beliefs, and your experiences. they have made you who you are in this moment.

i love you
=======
kristin

and again i say oh fucking fuck

i have this really huge urge just to go outside and smash the windows that are in the back yard. i'm all twitchy and pissed off and i can't tell if it's a blood sugar thing or hormones or what the hell's wrong with me today. bah.

added people to the blogroll. if i added you, and you don't want the link, just leave a comment and i'll take it off.

i was really fucked up last night when i was working on the net. i think it all rolls down to the fact that i really hate eating. not for weight issues, if i wanted to lose weight i'd get off my lazy ass and exercise. i just don't like eating. especially since i feel sick most of the time. but then again it's my own damn fault.

it's a vicious cycle i tell you. vicious.

i don't want to leave right now. and i don't want to have to be home by 12:30. maybe i just won't. it's not like i get grounded anyway. or that getting grounded would have any effect at all on me.

fucking fuck.

if you wrap yourself in daffodils,
i will wrap myself in pain

and it's over. maybe now i can get some rest. i'm sure my teachers would've given me homework this weekend, they were just caught offguard by exams.

have you ever wanted to tell someone close to you how you really felt, but the consequenses of doing so are too scary to imagine? i wish it could be done without having to take a risk. i'm not one for taking risks. i've been burned too many times, and like i've said, i'd rather regret something i didn't do than something i've done. it's childish, it's stupid. i'll never get anywhere in life with that mindset. you can't always shelter yourself from hurt, that's not life.

do people ever want to willingly walk into being hurt? sometimes i'd rather keep my feelings inside than risk messing up my relationships with others, 'cause they're all that i have right now. other times... i just want to out and say it. i believe in being truthful to the people you love (not a moralistic thing exactly... i find i have very few morals), and keeping my thoughts and feelings from people almost seems like being untruthful. and then there's the flip side to that: it's not really a lie if no one ever asked you about it. which i can agree with. i'd be truthful if [the right people] asked me my thoughts/feelings. it's the volunteering information thing i have a hard time with.

i don't think i'm strong enough to handle being rejected. is anyone, really?

i don't name names, i don't put a pinpoint on my feelings. i don't state my beliefs with conviction. i don't stand up and say this is who i am. not even in this blog. ah, the dilemma of the blog. it's public, and that's why i liked it. public means other people can read me, maybe feel that they're not alone sometimes. it also means that my friends can see this, and although i'm perfectly comfortable with some people, i'm not comfortable with others. and it shouldn't matter, but in a small way it still does. i can't come out and proclaim myself. not because i don't know who i am, but because i'm scared. to death.

but i can never be hurt or scared if i keep things to myself. it's not the ideal life, but right now, for my life, it's better than some of the alternatives.

love is a promise

and i know i just used a really good title on a bad post, but hey, at least i'm writing.

yeah, i haven't had any time to post for the past week, what with exams and homework and all. and i still have to study for sociology and physics, but i still have a couple of hours to waste.

recap:

sat's on saturday. all i can say is, i hope i didn't get a lower score than the first time i took them. it's really up in the air.

sunday: alex's surprise party. and she was really surprised. her dad came in the day before, and i thought that was awesome. alex, you've got a lot of people who love you. happy 18th birthday (a couple days later), and remember, now you're legal. go do something 18ish now.

the rest of the week has been school. i've been feeling like crap since tuesday, and yesterday i came home after exams and slept for three hours. today i had a latte, so i'm still awake.

weekly stupidity on my part: so the ep/dvd order number? apparently it was in the subject of one of the emails the connextion sent me. i didn't see it til yesterday though. and it confirms what i already knew: they won't be shipping my cd until the 28th. secondly: apparently my initial thinking was right, my english teacher didn't remember that i was in the class, so he didn't even know that i never did that ap prompt. so no zero in the gradebook, and if i got an 85% on my exam today, i got an A in the class. and it's really sad how much that worried me.

i have to update my websites again, and fix my blogroll. hopefully i'll get some time to do that this weekend, but i have to start filling out applications and type up my resume (even though i have no work experience). we're going to cruces next weekend, so these things have to be done soon.

my next huge project: figure out how to put pictures on a slideshow on a cd-r, if people need to have a certain program to run them, if slideshows work on dvd players. i really want this to work, and to be good. it's my big project for the year, and i don't want to have to put it up on the net for people to see. they should be able to have their own cd's. anyway, i have to calculate the number of pictures i can fit on my cd-r's and -rw's, see if i have to scrap that whole idea and find another way to store the pictures.

i've been so busy the past month. i just want a day or two to catch up on life, catch up with friends. i haven't written a good post in forever, mostly because i don't have the time.

speaking of not having time, i have to scope out a template for britt.

tomorrow. tomorrow will be better.

international eyes are wide awake

so. i emailed the street team yesterday about my little order number dilemma, and i got a reply. unfortunately, this reply informed me that i will not be getting my cd any time soon. yes, i'm in the group that ships the 28th, so bah. oddly, i always receive flickerstick cd's on or near my birthday. which is good i guess, a nice little birthday present. i'm thinkin i might need it around then anyway.

i have to... finish? my physics project now. or, later than now. before tomorrow. and do sociology.

i hear people are ditching tomorrow to study for sat's. that strikes me as sad. plus they're going to be way behind in classes. well, maybe not gov. or religion. or soc. or english. but if they're in calc and physics, they're going to be way behind.

hopefully i won't have any homework this weekend, so i'll have time just to chill. get on the net and fix all the code i've been meaning to fix for the past month or so. and clean my room.

i just had a strange vision of a star tattoo on my wrist. i oddly liked it. definitely a lot easier to do than the one i'm going to get. in a year. unless i'm really pissed off around my birthday and don't care if i get kicked out of my house for getting a tattoo. and for some reason i keep thinking that i could totally hide it. which i can, i can just never take off my watch. the only real thing keeping me from getting it (besides the whole kicked out of the house thing) is that i don't trust tattoo artists to do it right. and i really don't want them to mess it up. i don't want the sanskrit saying something completely different than intended. not that other people would know (unless they can read sanskrit), i'd just feel really bad about it. and for all the money i'm spending on it (plus the fact it's there forever), well, i want someone really good doing my tattoo.

that said, i have been ranting way too much and i really must be off to do homework.

"i died. and this is hell."

I came home in a perfectly good mood. it turns out i now understand this chapter of physics, and there's a good chance i won't fail the test tomorrow. and look! it's the 8th of october! the ep should ship today!

but wait. it sold out. MAJORLY sold out. and only people who's orders are before #61586 will have theirs shipped today, everyone else the 28th of october. i'm still ok at this point. i wrote down my number on a post-it right here by the computer. but look, your mother decided to clean the solar room today, and throw out everything! yes, this includes the order number! how she didn't throw away my physics research is beyond me.

fucking fuck.

now i don't even know if my cd will be shipped today or the 28th. if i KNEW when it was shipped, even if it's the 28th, i would only be mildly pissed. but now that i know i wrote down the number, and it has been tossed out, well. and i spent 10 minutes looking through the 3 trash bags my mom managed to fill up. joy.

the one good thing coming out of all of this: the ep sold out! i mean, it sold out twice! twice! (... and now the word 'twice' has no meaning to me. twice. rhymes with mice. anyway.) which means that everyone and their brother bought the ep. which means wonderous things in the world of flickerstick. and the guys get paid this month. which is always better than waiting tables.

and now my computer just disconnected from the net. i really really REALLY hate my computer.

bah. other than that, i'm getting a B in english (a C if i didn't do the math right), and i'm barely hanging onto an A in calc. but hey, only one more quarter and i can transfer out! and if he doesn't let me, then there will be hell to pay. hell i tell you.

i have sat's on saturday, and i don't know how to get to capital. i don't get to sleep in on saturday. that hurts. but there's always sunday.

mmm. off to do physics.

if i leave here tomorrow

home a day earlier than expected. and i have too much to get done.

waste of time? yes and no. i heavily needed to do school stuff this weekend, and like i've said before, missing one day of school has now fucked me for the next week. and it just so happens this week is the week before exams. joy. i should've stayed home and gotten everything done, but it really wasn't my choice, again.

csu is ok. i like the town more than the school. it just didn't feel right. we had a tour and all, and they were nice. i'd get in-state tuition because of wue, which is the only reason i agreed to look at the school. but with all that, i'd rather just go to state.

cu is beautiful. i couldn't get over the architecture of the place. we didn't get a tour or anything, but it just felt better. of course it costs 30k to go there, so i'm still counting on berkeley to be awesome.

and if not, state it is. i don't need all this shit in my life that comes with worrying about college. i'm almost ready to drop out and get my ged. but of course, it all depends on berkeley.

i missed school. i missed homecoming. i wouldn't have gone to homecoming if i'd have been here except for alex. and even then...

drama starts this week. i haven't read the play yet, and it has me worried. if i do drama (and i am doing drama), then one of my classes has to go. i would say calc, but i don't do anything in calc anyway. so physics it is. and i had such high expectations for that class this year. ah well. so no more life for the next month (a month of rehearsals for a three act. we're fucked). and apparently i have to tutor some kid in spanish for exams. i'd hate to have me as a tutor.

i wouldn't work on homework at all today except that i have one other person relying on me to get the gov project finished. that's ok. i know what i'm talking about. and i like yao. i'd never bitch out on her.

i need time that i don't have.