now i remember why i needed a job

blogger and blogspot are down! what a surprise! no one could ever see that coming.

but don't fear, blogger/blogspot hosting is still as free as ever, meaning as long as we utilize this nice free service, we will have to put up with all the server crashes and whatnot.

if i had a valid site, that served some purpose other than a pageholder for miscellaneous links, then i would definitely spend the money, buy a domain, get some decent hosting (along with ftp, perl, etc etc etc), and download movable type.

while i was letting my mind wander (for lack of anything to really ponder) i thought of a really excellent job: working in an occult store.

um, yeah. off to do... nothing really. happy last day of 2003. what a horrible year.

the itsy bitsy spider

i spent a good four hours working on my compsci site yesterday. maybe more than four hours... i sorta lost count when i started messing with the code in my index page. but thankfully i didn't create any bad tags, and the ones that i did i was able to fix. now all i have to do is figure out if/how i can change the borders on the tables. that stuff is confusing.

i just finished watching eight legged freaks, this time i was able to see the whole thing and not just the last half hour of it. it goes on the list with bill & ted's bogus journey, empire records, snatch, and... damn my memory i know there's more. anyway it's so horrible that it's entertaining. at least to me, that is.

waking up at 10am every day is not going to help me when i have to go back to school. neither is having coffee every morning again. but hey, it's christmas break, and i won't get another chance to do this again.

things i still need to do this week: find jeans/pants of almost any kind that will actually fit me. organize/clean large rooms in the house. clean car. give back jess and kyle's things that i've had for the past month or so. spend target gift card. watch lotr and last samurai, check out the order and underworld. figure out how i can format definition lists in css.

there's probably more, i just can't think of any at the moment.

can't. get. off. net.

somehow i convinced my dad to knock down a wall in their bedroom to make it bigger. i like big open spaces. my dad does too. we overruled my mom. i just have to get my dad to finish the rest of the house before we start on this next project.

off to google some stuff.

creepy.

cripes. it's already the 27th. where the hell did this week go? it still all seems like one long sunday.

so i got my camera back yesterday. a day after we needed it. and i could've had it last week, except they fucked up and didn't send us a letter specifying what extension to call to tell them to fix it. so i missed taking pictures monday and i missed taking pictures thursday. now that i look back on it i wouldn't have taken any on thursday, but my dad could've.

moral of the story: don't be a fuckup at your job. if you are, save everyone the time and energy and just quit.

so now that i have my camera back i have to get busy again on the whole slideshow thing. i haven't worked on it since thanksgiving when i stopped trying to learn javascripting.

shit. i hope no applications are due the end of december, because i'm definitely not getting them done. and that was random. and now i'm confused about what i was talking about before that popped into my head...

ah yes, checklist. messenger bag: check. on sale no less. on sale for $25 less than it was originally. the only sale item i bought yesterday. i still have to go back in to villa linda in the next few days to see if any store has jeans that actually fit me, and if they're on sale for $30 or less. and i'm actually contemplating going down to cruces for a few days just so i can go to sunland park and see what sales they have. plus it will get me out of this house.

but that, of course, will never happen.

no one's online at 10am, so i will be off.

i'm a stranger in this town

i hate holiday gatherings.

i am losing it.

merry christmas, for those of you who actually find meaning in the holiday.

that is all.

productivity = mmm

i finally got around to cleaning my room yesterday, now it's all clear and nice. all i need is to get rid of all the boxes on my shelves and then get all the ansel adams pictures out of my room and i'm set. but i'm done for now. hopefully i won't have to do this again until... june.

things i still have to do: buy a couple pair of jeans, string my guitar, look for a messenger bag for school, clean my car. cripes and fill out applications for the lanl foundation scholarship and cu boulder. and whatever else i have to do in that department.

christmas tomorrow. fun. surrounded by family. super fun. no way out. fantastic. oy.

two weeks is definitely not enough.

new rule

do not touch kristin. ever.

this goes for everyone, unless specifically told otherwise.

off

i'm tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen.

going into santa to shop. and by shopping i mean wander aimlessly around the mall for three or four hours.

call me on my cell.

whatever.

no comment from the peanut gallery

there was a time in my life when all i wanted to do was write. don't hold me down, don't toss me out, just throw myself into it and write. and i did. and i loved it. i wrote fiction, because i couldn't deal with reality. every time i voiced my opinion/belief on things that happen i'd just get pushed away. in the sorrow of losing a loved one, who can really grasp that he's still around, when in reality you can't see him? i had far out thoughts that relied way too much on religion back then.

and then i couldn't write fiction anymore. i couldn't escape reality like i was previously able to. so i wrote the truth. long, drawn out confessions of who i was, how much i hated reality, how badly i wanted to slip into unconsciousness. but i was writing. and it was in that period of time that i wrote the best stuff ever. and then we had to write for a grade (something i despise), and my words were censored, and click, i lost it. losing my ability to write was like dying a second death.

in a period of three weeks i was able to throw myself back into my emotions, my life, my reality, and write. and words just poured out of me again, and i felt good. well, i felt depressed and pissed off, but i felt good being able to write down the truth. i dig out that poetry book maybe once a year, and can't believe that i wrote that. that's when you know you have a good thing, when your own writing surprises you.

it's also when you know you've lost a good thing.

this summer when i was having my little bout with insomnia, i stayed up and wrote. and i got some good truthful stuff. i also got a lot of crap. but the thing was i made myself write. even if it was crap, because once you sift through all the meaninless crap, you get to the truth.

i want to be able to do that again. and it seems now i have time to let myself write.

like i did right now.

my posts aren't always decent, most of the time there isn't really any reason for me to post, except that it makes me write. if you write down everything, eventually you'll get one really good post, and then all the other crap posts won't matter. at least, that's how i view this thing.

and so. for the past two weeks i've been on the verge of a physical/mental breakdown, since i've kept myself so damn stressed about school. i don't think i'll ever recover (physically) from this semester, but i still have to try.

off.

i NEED these two weeks

i feel like such crap after this week. but the good news is that it's over. one semester done.

sometime in the next few days i want to see lord of the rings, 'cause apparently it's really good. and they do go back to the shire in the end. which is better than i had previously heard. so.

i'm too tired to write now.

a flash of smile, a dark bitter night

i really should start writing again.

i watched the second half of angels in america last night... it's amazing. i just, it's not, i'm, damn. that's how good movies should be, you shouldn't be able to out and talk about them. now i have to read the play, and see how he adapted it for film. just amazing.

i have religion and english exams tomorrow. i should slightly study for religion, but i can do that later.

so much to do, so little time.

time.

i really need a better online notepad

because i don't really have any other place to put this. yet.

Tattoo healing from a client's point of view: Aftercare and healing methods

dear trolling fucks

i know that when you put comments on your blog, you are agreeing to the fact that you will probably get bad/mean comments as well. i am aware that there are a lot of stupid trolls around, and honestly they have just as much right to post comments as any decent person does. i get that, i agree with that right. what i do not agree with, however, is "anonymous" trolls. if you're gonna shit on someone's post, at least be able to write your name along with it, assholes.

of course, along with your right to post comments, i also have the right to delete those comments, or ban you from commenting.

of course, the chickenshits who sign their names anonymous probably spend their online lives trolling around blogs posting stupid comments to get their jollys, and don't really care about getting banned.

i haven't banned anyone's ip yet, although i have been tempted.

oh yeah, and just so you know, if a person wanted to find out who you are, it would be very, very easy. and then who knows what kind of shit you'll have to deal with.

lesson of the story: if you're gonna be a troll, at least have enough integrity to sign your name.

FUCK

i just had a long ass post.

i accidentally clicked on a link. it gave me the "save post?" message.

i closed the box thinking i could catch it before it opened the link.

i was wrong.

i would blame it on blogger, but i don't. i blame my computer. i blame internet explorer.

did you know they knew ie didn't work on xp?

bastards.

i still blame my computer.

pain to ease the pain

i don't know. i don't know why it happens, it just does. a day goes wrong, i have too much in my head and not enough sense to just let myself cry it out and feel like disappearing the next day. not enough sense. maybe i have too much sense.

i don't like having to go through the process. i've done it too many times, and it just comes back. days, moods, states like this demand action. a nervous feeling, a suspicious glance, an act. and it all just dissipates, leaves my eyes and mind, my soul and being. and then calm.

hasn't happened in a while. don't know if it will, actually. i had enough sense to take a few hours to calm down. am i calm now? more than before, yes. but the feeling's still lingering, it's still inside my head.

so everything comes to a depressive, slightly suicidal climax (do not take that last phrase the wrong way). besides, what is a body anyway? nothing. there is no body. there is no mind. there is no death.

gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond, oh what an awakening, all hail

ponder freedom.

i started watching angels in america on hbo tonight. from what little i saw, it looked awesome. i try to visualize certain scenes onstage, and it just looks really good.

i've had a thing for reading lately. learning about, well, stuff i wanted to learn about. it's exciting because whatever i want to know i can just get on the net and cross reference stuff to learn it, but it also pisses me off that i'm wasting my time in a school that doesn't really teach me anything at all.

recent actions, or rather proposed actions, that the administration and the principle has taken has made me dislike them so much more. basically, by going to st. mike's, they rule our lives, both in and out of school. because heaven forbid we have personal lives. we might make st. mike's look bad! people might confuse our actions and behaviors with those of the school! because every logical person looks at a kid in a non-school setting and know that that kid is a st. mike's student, and then connects the kid's behavior as the behavior of the adults at st. mikes.

bah. nevermind. i don't want to think about how stupid people can be anymore.

i just wanted to write about angels in america, and i did that. so off.

modnar part 52

i thought we had bikes that i could take a few spokes off of and make picks, but apparently they went when my dad did his whole let's-throw-away-everything-in-the-house thing.

previously mentioned twitchiness seems to occur on the weekends. i also only drink coffee anymore on the weekends. i never thought i'd get over my caffeine addiction so much that drinking coffee on weekends would have this effect on me. just goes to show that i should probably stop altogether.

i haven't written anything in six months. maybe that's why i still write here, thinking one day it might hit me again. i've been thinking of posting what i did write six months ago... i don't know. maybe one day when i have time and energy.

i'm not dropping any classes. as much as i bitch about calc and physics, there's no real point to dropping them. plus, if i did drop, there wouldn't be any class for me to change to. that and brooks just told us that we just finished the hardest physics we'd do the whole year. so there isn't really any point to dropping it anymore.

i want to clean my house. majorly. when semester break rolls around, i'm going to ask my mom if i can organize everything in this house. we still have things in the solar room from the kitchen when we did the floor. and in my room. maybe it will give my dad a push to finish the floor and get started on finishing the rest of his projects he wanted to get done this year.

as much as i don't think the world will ever change, i want to try doing a little something. information bombing, like what mister black gentlemen did for buy nothing day. except with all different kinds of information. aids awareness. involvement in voting. pollution reduction. recycling. little tricks you can use to screw over the man. our rights as american citizens. everything that i actually have an opinion on. all the things i think that people can actually do, and make a change.

i believe that if i wasn't so lazy, i'd have accomplished a hell of a lot of things by now. it would also help if i got some encouragement from my parents, instead of orders, or "that's a nice idea, but it will never work".

i hate the idea of shaping a person's mind, beliefs, actions. that's why i am never having children. but i like the idea of giving out information to people, and encouraging them to make up their own minds about it, and not listen to what they're told to do.

i really, really like learning new stuff about computers.

i've been wanting to read the da vinci code and the gospel of thomas for a while. maybe now during break i'll be able to.

my computer does not like cd-rw's. my computer also does not like anything you put into it.

i like gui, but being able to do things on dos is so much cooler.

i refuse to get a flu shot.

i should probably be doing my work right now. off.

problem solved

now i just need a check card to be able to buy it.

you, me, and doyle

things i must do this weekend:

government paper

physics homework

read 3 or so chapters of brave new world.

so much for getting out and doing something this weekend. everyone's gone anyway.

why do i even bother posting when my head hurts.

cabaret

now, thanks to alex, i have cabaret stuck in my head. and i haven't even seen the entire movie.

i watched x-men 2 yesterday. it's pretty good, considering they messed up the whole rogue storyline in the first movie (and oddly i still liked it...). i like that they're giving intros to sequels, like showing the beast. my only question is: what the hell are they going to do with jean grey? i mean, they're not going to make her the phoenix already, are they? now all i have to do is get a dvd player, so i can get the dvd.

somehow i spent an hour at bme yesterday while searching the net for sites on how to hotwire a car. and now i want to be able to put lockpicks into a leatherman tool, like my micra. that would be so awesomes.

and now senior year has turned even more pointless, seeing as how we now teach our english class. why couldn't i have just graduated last year? the only class i have that's an actual class where i learn something (amazingly) is physics. i see something very wrong with that.

note: we went to this new dessert shop/place over at the strip mall by school (the one with delectables and hidden chicken and tuesday mornings), and it looks awesome. i had a half of a brownie and it damn near killed me. i couldn't tell if the headache i got was from the chocolate or the day i was having, but either way it was good. i think the other half is somewhere in the kitchen... off to look.

instantly alone

question running through my head right now:

what does it feel like to feel good?

like, physically, mentally, emotionally healthy. i know i always notice when something good happens to me, because it's such a change from my normal. of course, i attribute a lot of my happy moments to my mood swings. and of course most all of my bad days to my emotions too.

anyway.

so i'm not a hypochondriac anymore. not really. being a hypochondriac implies that i'm looking to get my "ailments" fixed. i still think that i'm sick, i just know that doctors don't really give a shit about me. i know you always hear that doctors don't like their patients telling them what they think they have, but it's a whole different thing just to disregard everything your patient is telling you. i live in my body. i think i know when something's wrong.

so going to doctors anymore is just a waste of time and money.

thanksgiving weekend was... ok. a little on the bad side, as expected. i was really twitchy all weekend, and i'm still a little afraid to drive because of said twitchiness, but it's worn off a little. either that or i'm so tired i don't notice. my computer hasn't been that evil the last two days. i think it's just waiting until i have something important to do (like the government project) to majorly crash on me. also expected.

ugh. i need to stop falling asleep in class. it's really hurting my physics grade.

tired. off.