afraid to be gone

i have three days left. three days and then i'll be gone for three weeks, but once i drive out of this city i never will really come back. at least not to the same place that i left. i haven't seen people in almost a week, and i don't know what to do with that. i haven't really had to "cope" or start again or anything like that since i've just been sitting in my bed, holding onto the thought that tomorrow will come and the weekend will be here and i'll be able to sit among all my friends again just like before, before when i was ok and you were ok and i could talk to you and not feel like i'm keeping you from something more important. but now it's just me talking on a computer screen into a blank void. does anyone listen anymore? i have no idea. i don't see people for a week and it's like they just... disappear. and i don't want anyone to disappear but i don't have a choice in the matter, in fact i don't know why they kept me around so long in the first place.

why did you keep me around? i don't like thinking of you. i don't like missing you. i don't like the fact that i have no idea what's going on in your head. every time i see you again it's like i'm a different person. from weekend to weeknight to weeks ahead. no one talks about the awkwardness of it all, the whispers, the un-invitations. no one talks about the person sitting all alone while everyone else just goes on with what they were doing.

and shit, why can't i feel anything? i could always feel at least that little something, whenever you would walk in a room i would feel safe again. has it changed? i don't know. i haven't seen you in a forever. and will i ever see you again?

and what if i never see you again? what then?

i don't like thinking in terms of three people. i know i have to stop it, and stop it quick, but it just isn't happening.

things have to get fixed. i have to get fixed. but i have a feeling that when i come back, everyone else will be gone. they won't get to see the good me, the un-broken me. no one will see me. do people see me now? i think i'm disappearing. i've always wondered what it would be like to disappear.

every time i tried to disappear, you were there to catch me. the last time you weren't there, he was there. you're both gone, you're all gone, and i don't know if i want to catch myself.

the scars are damn near healed. haven't told everyone about that yet. don't know if i should. last time didn't turn out at all. weston at aware didn't even mention them though, even with them there in plain sight. it was good though.

i got my one piercing for the year. i don't think it's going to do anything for me though, seeing as how i've been on the whole dead to all feeling for the past three weeks. i don't know. i just don't know.

i've been waiting on here for someone to get online. just so i could talk to another person and not seem like, like what, like i'm an obligation or something. i have to go into town tomorrow, and i really want to see you people, but then i'd just be the little girl who can't function on her own again.

i just want to feel safe again.

ibuprofin=goooood

so far i have experienced the joys of cracked out dreams while on pain killers and lots and lots of soup and v8. v8 is really good when you haven't really eaten anything in a day.

anyway.

i thought for some reason last night that i didn't have to take an ibuprofin for bed. i felt fine (i'm actually really amazed at how good i feel, considering there's a few holes in my mouth and i cannot suck, spit, or otherwise disturb them). but nooo, i wake up in the middle of the night with a nice aching feeling. so i took an ibuprofin with the penecillin at 6 this morning and slept till 11:30 or so.

moral of the story: always take the pain killers. even if you think you have an awesomely high pain tolerance, you don't, so just take the pills and pass out.

i watched my first full episode of enterprise last night, thanks to brian, and now i'm confused as all hell on what alien is who. i don't know if he looks like a reman, but brian's theory behind it all seems to work out nicely. i was just thinkin that the guy looked oddly like that species that they kept running into on v'ger (starts with an h... the hunters... they made holographs for them to hunt... i need to brush up on my facts...) (the hirogen! i knew i'd remember...eventually).

cripes now i'm on a startrek rant.

i really want to get out today, seeing as how i have three or so days to get everything together before i go to cruces. but then again i really don't want to drive yet, and seeing as i need the practice i'll probably be made to.

wow. i'm not even making sense to myself anymore.

must drink more v8.

odd doesn't even begin to explain it

ah, the yelling has started again. wondered what took so long. at least i'll be gone for the majority of it soon, and the rest of the time before then i'll be asleep or off in a pain pill wonderland.

so far i've surfed with ie (which doesn't crash every five minutes like it did on xp. ha.), and now i'm checking out safari. things learned: everything that i've coded that i didn't think would work on other than ie, doesn't work. popups? no popups please, and i don't even have the google toolbar. and the ads on the tripod sites? not there with safari. ah, how awesome.

for everyone who has no idea what i'm babbling about - i got my mac yesterday. so of course i haven't been out really since then. i should probably check my voicemail...

interesting thing that's in my mind since i don't really have anything to write:

not the most excruciating thing i've experienced. hitting my helix piercings on that damn ride at the state fair is and will probably always be the worst pain i'll ever experience.

great. he leaves, and yet the yelling continues. yeah, i love living in this house in the summer.

i still have to track down people and get their pictures and songs and quotes from them, but as this day is not looking good right now i have no idea when that will happen.

there's way too much freaking out going on in this house right now. i'll get back on when people leave. off.

dead eyes, are you just like me?

it's been... five months, nine days. at least, i think that was the last time. for some reason i was thinking it was closer to new year's. it still might've been, and i just didn't hint at it in here like i usually do.

the anticipation. five months of anticipation. of days in class having to poke myself with a safety pin to dissipate the urge. nights of driving home crying, intent on doing it when i got home. telling myself no, you're not going to do it, you don't have to do it, and besides, you haven't been able to do it when you've wanted to.

i couldn't feel anything last night. not a damn thing. i remember now why i liked getting on those damn pills in the first place... i wasn't so tired anymore, and i felt things, i could remember and think normally and speak normally. the last two weeks have been bad, and now i'm back where i was three years ago. and i hate it. i couldn't feel anything. and so i wanted to see if i could feel something again. and i did. for a split second it was awesome. and then the next second it's just like a scratching pain on skin. and not even a painful pain. just... dull.

i knew it would happen, i just figured i had one more week before it started again. go figure. my timing has been really bad the last month. first the pill, then schoolwork, the yearbook, the car, the piercing, cruces, then that... whole situation that i still can't understand, and now this.

everything's ended, so everything's started. i'm leaving by the first, and i don't know what things are going to be like when i get back. can't dwell on it though.

for everyone i've inadvertently hurt the past month, i'm sorry. it won't happen again. i'll make sure of it.

by starlight i know you

i've been on a smashing pumpkins trip for the past week. it works for any mood recently.

over.

i'm so insanely tired, yet i wake up at something like 7:30 every morning for the past week. what's that like four five hours of sleep? ah well i'm making up for when i get my wisdom teeth out next week and will sleep for two days straight.

not sure about getting the piercing this thursday... i have really bad luck with timing. damn doyle.

must stalk people in the next few days and get their songs and quotes. i have everyone's senior pictures from senior slide show, so if nothing else i can just bullshit what i have.

i think i'm finally starting to calm down.

wondering if my dad will punish me for the first time for being fifteen minutes late for curfew. even though i tell them there should be a fifteen minute grace period, to account for the fact that i will not speed at night and get another $180 ticket.

last night was... what was the point of all that again? sitting there listening to mikey made me wonder what took me so long to stop being catholic.

that was the first time i've been in a church for over a year. it didn't feel good.

no sleep, low blood sugar, and stupid stupid hormones make me very very dull. mbah. must work on pictures.

life revolving around something that i don't want to admit is there

it seems as though i'm trying to procrastinate for the very last time. i've been all wound up since thursday, and knowing that i have to give a speech just made me start shaking. i'm sitting here and my fingertips are freezing, and i can feel that i'm tense and on the edge of some sort of breakdown, and that i need to just relax and let things just wash away. but as much as i know it, i can't do it.

it's weird, and i do this all the time. i know that something's wrong, or illogical, or whatever else, and i just can't get over it. high school is over, i can finally get out of it all, and yet i'm still so wound up over all the childishness of it all. i've been saying for the past couple weeks that i feel like such a child in the midst of everyone else's lives. everyone goes on, and has a goal, or at least goes somewhere, and i'm a scared little girl who doesn't want anything to change. i keep telling myself that i can finally relax, and really have a good time, just chill out and live life as it comes to me. but then i come back to this house, to this life and i'm pulled in again. yesterday. i finally just jumped back into bed and pulled the covers close to my face and cried because i was so tired. i knew that i had other things that i had to do, but i just couldn't do it. i couldn't write anything decent for a speech, i couldn't drive, i couldn't please. i fell asleep and woke up with a start an hour and a half later. late for kyle and daivd's party. and i freaked.

i want to stop freaking out. i don't actively aim to please, but yet i find myself doing things for other people. thinking that shit, i didn't even try to get second in the class for myself. but to say that, that would be letting other people down.

i'm such a hypocrite.

safety is leaving me in two weeks. i'm so ready, and yet i'm so scared. why? scared that i'll fail, because that's my biggest fear. not death or betrayal or ailment, but failure. but i know that people love me, and that no matter what happens people will still be there for me. and it makes things ok again. that is, when i'm not freaking out.

i find that i can't write if i'm not on this blog. i have one hour to write my speech, so maybe i'll be able to just write here and something will come out.

...

how about that

and i didn't even have to go looking for things to make me dislike the new blogger. it did it all by itself.

i think i shall finally look into mt.

bored?

i'm not really feeling the new blogger interface. i actually liked the square corners and block colors. plus this whole trying to be mt thing is kinda creeping me out.

i've been wanting to code this index page for a while now, i've just never gotten around to sorting out the css and deciding if i want to still do tables. last time i tried to do anything with code i ended up making so many tables it amazed me to the point of wanting to try and teach myself how to javascript again. but i'm still trying to make myself make the switch to mac. or, i'm trying to convince my dad that i should make the switch to mac. it's getting closer... he finally can relate to my dislike of windows.

anyway.

right before the blogger relaunch i found a site that will do image hosting: imageshack. i was actually doing a search for another free website [hosting] so that i could upload pictures for other people's blogs to it. tripod apparently is now in agreement with its sibling angelfire and no longer allows image linking from tripod sites. so i went on my search and temporarily solved the problem.

and then this new blogger with rounded corners comes out and behold: image hosting with hello. which of course only workes for pc, so i never intend to get myself hooked on it. but i might have to look into it for other people, seeing as how i'm planning on doing a total overhaul on all my sites and deleting a bunch of my files.

thing one: i like heading tags. i don't like putting text or whatever in a box and having some machine code it for me when i know how to do it (i say as i use blogger...).

thing two: i spent a good deal of time researching commenting systems. spending two days waiting for an opening to sign up for yaccs before they closed membership. finding haloscan and being totally pissed off by enetation. and now comments are included. do they let you ban ip addresses? have stats? organize comments? i have to look more into that.

i'm tempted to make another tests blog just to try out all the new stuff they added, to see what exactly will make my browser crash and if blogger still does indeed eat many many posts. i might do that now that i have time.

six apart has been doing some updating on mt, so i hear. maybe i'll make the move now that i'll have a decent stream of money to pay for web hosting. or i could just use typepad. or tabulas (found through the comments at lyd). but then again i haven't been writing all that much lately.

i got my bme/e2 access today, which oddly hasn't helped much at all. probably because i've been spending 2-3 hours on bme and other sites researching for the past week or so. which reminds me.

ugh. no more school. i'm drained, and i just want to get out and be with people before i have to leave. because when i come back, everyone else will be busy or gone, and then everyone will be gone. i just want a couple days with you people.

i think i just got the highest physics grade this semester. all my work actually paid off. pleased.

and for anyone that reads this, and will be participating in the digital yearbook thing i'm attempting to put together - please get me your picture, song, and quote as soon as possible. bring them to katie's party. but if you want to see this thing done by next week, i need them yesterday.

that is all.

breathing under water and living under glass

why isn't this working why isn't this working why isn't this working why isn't this working?

i should've gotten off of those damn pills months ago. i'm so fucking out right now i don't know what to do with myself. it's like twitching and cracking and freaking all over again. manic and pissed and everywhere and i want to go and be anywhere doing anything just so i don't have to sit down i can't sit down. i want to write and write and write but it's not fucking coming and i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i can't hear what i'm supposed to hear or do what i'm supposed to do, so just get off my fucking back and stop wanting me to do what you want.

and i don't want to be a fucking dull grey shell again. i hate this so much but i don't want to not feel anything. freaking is better than just sitting and not thinking and not feeling. be someone do something get out of your head and crush everything that doesn't help.

maybe i should make it a point to visit mark tomorrow.

right now i want to be so out of it, and so intensely in it at the same time. i want to be used. then i'll feel something at least for a while.

be me? be me. look out you fucking bitch of a body. and i swear, if you level me off and make me dull to everything, i'll have to kick some sense back into you.

somebody tell me if i am sleeping

i think i've been putting off doing this for a while.

i was looking at the stars last night, in between crying and being dizzy and trying not to crash my car on the highway. so beautiful. one of those times when i think "there's a reason why i had to be out tonight". i saw eternal sunshine, and it really, really hit me. because what do i have? memories. and if i didn't have memories, i wouldn't be anyone. not really. i've only just started to live life moment by moment. hey, maybe i'm a late bloomer. maybe i just figured out that i'm letting my life pass by without holding onto anything except people, and now those people are going to be gone in the immediate future. i have to start being me.

i wasn't going to cry on friday. i thought that it would be so ridiculous to cry, and i was still so jaded from the past six years that i wasn't going to give any of those people the satisfaction of thinking they "got through to me". i wrote one journal entry, the first in something like two weeks, the night before. saying how i could try to write, but it would be pointless to try and make up twenty journal entries. and i cried. i cried because i admitted to myself that i didn't feel the need to write anymore. that i couldn't just pick up a pen or get on the net and write what i was thinking, because my mind is such a fog anymore. i didn't want to let go, to say that i'm stopping, because i don't know what i'll do if i don't write. but i did. i let go.

and then friday came. i really disliked all the retreats, and i knew what this one was so i was setting myself up to be even - nothing was going to get to me. i got the letter i wrote to myself in seventh grade. i couldn't remember if i did end up writing that i was never going to read it, because i was going to die long before 12th grade. i remembered how pissed off i was that day. and i can't figure out why i didn't write that. too scared probably. i ripped up the letter.

i was going to burn all the letters without ever reading them. i've already been through that whole thing before, except the first time there was more, and they were all in a religious context. but i read all of them, just because people took the time to write them. and almost all of them were so... fake. these people who don't know me, don't know anything about me except my grade, they all assume everything about me. and when i'm myself around them, they get angry at me. like i'm some sort of bad influence on the rest of the family. if they only knew.

but they don't want to know. and i don't want to tell them. so we're even.

people were crying. and for once, i was fine. at least, i think i was. i was hoping that i wouldn't have to confront anything with anyone, because i didn't want to let go yet. i just wanted to be left alone, so i could pretend for a while that everything was fine.

i'm still trying to figure what it was. it could've been that i'm just an emotional wreck at random times. maybe it was seeing everyone else. maybe... because it felt like you were saying goodbye to me.

and then everything that i didn't want to confront just hit me at once. and it did it again last night. except... except that was more real. my actually admitting to jess that i'm scared out of my mind. me, admitting to myself, that i'm not ok. that i don't know how to make things ok anymore. that i'm afraid i might do something really stupid next year.

i think way too much. i over-analyze everything that could happen to me. and everything that i just let happen... it's like i'm floating in the stars. not expecting anything, not wanting anything, makes everything so much... better. like, i've finally accepted myself for me, and that people stay around me for me.

of course that comes and goes too. but when i do feel it...

self-esteem is such an odd thing. being me is something that i've always had a hard time with. i wouldn't want to be anyone else, it's just that sometimes i want to be just slightly different. maybe sometimes not so crazy. not passive. not needing to be secure so much. not being so deathly afraid of being rejected. and then this year... accept me for who i am. i think the whole idea of piercings and tattoos has really, helped me, be secure with the skin i'm in. like, finally feeling that my soul is beautiful, and because of that, physical appearance doesn't matter. i am the way i should be. anything that i add is just another part of the physical me. it's amazing how more aware i am of feeling and seeing other people now. there's a story behind scars and acts. and there's an even more important person behind those things. get to know the soul before you look at the appearance. if i can feel a person's soul, they look beautiful, because they are beautiful, no matter what insecurities they have about their physical appearance.

i'm rambling now. another way to get away from what i was wanting to say. but that's part of it. i can't write down what i mean anymore. the really weird part... for once i think i can actually talk about it. and even weirder, i want to. i need a dialogue more than i need a one way conversation with my crazy self on a computer screen.

i'm at an odd place right now, where i want to be open with people. odd because i am so afraid of being rejected by people. i guess knowing that you're loved does weird things to you.

well, obviously.

i'll have more, much more to say, but i want to talk about it out loud first.

all i'm asking for now is for someone to listen.

i'm trying to focus but my eyes deceive me

one week left with too much to do that i'm probably not going to end up doing. that's ok. sleep is more important.

i should be freaking out about the whole yearbook thing, but i'm not. i guess i figure i'll somehow get it done in two days or something.

i realized last night, again, that i really, really don't like being cold.

i have to do my poem book for wednesday, so all creative thoughts must go into that. and i could possibly be drained after that too. we'll see how it all works out.

might go on a break. don't know. maybe just disappear for a while.

i feel fine.