tarantula

i just got tarantula.

it's like this every single time. so... perfect.

i could die and be fine.

go!

the highs and lows

i'm here again, the same place that i always find myself, time after time. it's too faniliar, and yet i won't get out of it. sometimes i try, i really really try, harder than almost anything i do, harder than resisting the urge to cut or forcing myself to interact with people or making myself just get out of bed. everything gets that much harder. eating seems like a task... talking on the phone is someone squeezing the life out of you, words blur together in anything meant to be read for homework. i can't understand anything anymore. i have a huge cs test tomorrow (huge because you only have something like 3-4 tests in a whole semester) and i don't even care. this is my major and i don't even care about learning or doing well. yeah, maybe it's unconscious wanting to fail out, do badly to have an excuse, but i... i don't know anymore. i spent too much energy on being perfect for the past 12 years. i can't do it anymore. and yet i can't tell them that i can't do it anymore. "are you ok?" "yeah, i am". and i'm not. i'm really, really, really not. but everything would be so much more easier for everyone else if i stayed here, because everything revolves around money. $3k per year and that's everything payed for. no loans, no debts, everything school-related paid for. and how can i compete with that? how can anything i say possibly compete with 4 years paid for? i can't say that i'm miserable, that i'm sick, that i'm... they wouldn't believe me. they never do. and now i'm swinging again, after months of being even i'm back to one moment up the next down the next up. a period of days being down and then out of nowhere it's gone, and i'm on top of the world. then as quickly as it came it goes, and i'm left tired and alone. so tired. but everything has a responsibility. on and on and on and... and i almost lost 4 months wednesday, because i wanted to, wanted to more than anything. i wanted to feel horrible because i deserved it. everything's so much easier that way, i deserve to be miserable so i can stay in this situation which will make things easier for all. and i'll go to class and eat sometimes and do homework and cut and be fucked up but that's the way it's supposed to be. the world keeps going and i stay in this pit, fading, fading, fading... everything's easier at the bottom. at the bottom it doesn't matter if you have no friends around. doesn't matter if no one sees you. doesn't matter if you do good or bad. doesn't matter if you get out of your room at all. doesn't matter if you eat or not. doesn't matter if you get a job. doesn't matter if your arms are filled with scars and you wear sleeves just so people won't pester you, not because you're ashamed of them. nothing matters. i wanted nothing to matter so badly on wednesday. but i can't even do that anymore. why does everything have to be so hard all the time? i go from wanting to be better to wanting to be completely immersed in this thing. being happy or being me. everything is in extremes: black or white, up or down, happy or depressed. there is no middle ground, no middle path. and i don't know what to do from day to day... just because i make plans to get better and go see a counselor today doesn't mean that when that day comes i'll feel like i can do it, i won't, i'll just feel like staying in bed and staying in my situation. ups and downs and i want medication and i don't want medication. sometimes i want everyone to stop caring so that i can disappear... all this would be so much easier if people didn't care. but that's not really what i want, that's just the darkness talking. people are the only reason i'm still here... and as much as i have to make the future about me, for me, i still do things only because of others. why can't i just fade away...

waves of being

i'm not really motivated to do much of anything right now, let alone post. so to tide you over i present:

the white sands excursion

public service announcement

yes the psa is on the .mac page too, but i'm gonna lose that in 29 days. so have your fill.

she will be loved

town full of beer, but no razor blades. brilliant.

screw charAt returns

when i said that i always get up at 2pm on weekends, i didn't really mean it... it kinda scares me when i wake up and even though i want to go back to sleep decide to look at the clock and it's 1:30. woah.

i had some... really disturbing dreams last night. and i don't know if it was because i spent a good 6 hours doing java programming yesterday. i mean, usually when i program for that length of time, my dreams actually have code in them, but not last night.

they scared me. and not how i was scared when i had my first nightmare again after years of being over that sort of thing. scared me like my subconcious was getting pissed at me that i am temporarily feeling ok. maybe they were my mind's cries for attention, saying that i can't get past what i was, what i am. i dreamt about suicide. i dreamt about rape. i dreamt about being stuck in a situation i couldn't get out of (actually i think that one was there more to piss me off than anything since the basis of the dream (religion) doesn't exist anymore). i dreamt about everyone leaving me. i dreamt about razor blades. and every few hours when i woke up i wasn't sure where i was, in what city, in what state of mind. i wasn't sure whether i was in someone else's bed or my own. i wasn't sure if i actually did want to hurt myself.

the dreams confused me greatly. and when i woke up and found myself back in this room, in this city, i felt kind of sad. it's all so hard to explain, but it's like part of me was disappointed that this didn't happen to me...? i don't know. when i was truly awake i shook myself out of it. and now... now i'm ok again.

wednesday, thursday, and friday were all good days. it kind of amazed me, and made me feel really good too. and it was to that point of "i don't care if i fail, because i feel good", and i've been there before, so i have a vague feeling that it's just one of my high points before i crash again. but, i'm getting things done and feeling good about it. even if i never figure out how to do that one program for my cs lab, it won't really matter, because i've learned so much this week in terms of programming because of that problem. messing around with code... i missed it. i'm kind of thinking that i'm using java as a supplement to web dev instead of actual programming... which is ok, but more pure programmers get jobs than web devs do. but right now i have a weird outlook on the future...

so yes, i've been tremendously busy. wait, scratch that, i've supposed to have been tremendously busy. my old procrastinating self thought "well i'll do it this weekend", and so that's what i'm doing. everything. this weekend. but i still allow myself a good couple hours on the internet right after i wake up. it contributes to my sanity. so does walking, which i've been doing every night now. it makes me feel good.

so with any luck now that i'm on a programming bug that means next week i'll update all my sites (and get alex's blog done...). i was thinking of posting all my notes on the internet. that's not a bad thing, is it? i know i had a certain view of... helping others... when i was in high school. but now that i'm in college... eh. it's still an elective. might as well boost your gpa while you can.

anyway...

i should get going on everything i need to do.

i now have, besides AIM (because shockingly not everyone uses aim. wtf?), yahoo IM, and MSM (that i don't put on my dock since i don't know anyone who uses it...). and i'm on the net something like 6 hours a day. so if you want to talk, go for it.

(yes i know i didn't put my sn but i don't want to get spammed yet again. ask for it in the comments if you really want it.)

oh yeah, if you want to see what 3 of the 6 hours yesterday was spent on, go here. not guaranteeing that it will work for you, as i know of one pc where it wouldn't. macs should be ok. if you can see java things, then it should work.

and up

i felt good today. all day.

that's all.

breaking rules

i feel like i should say something.

this last week held the biggest extremes that i've felt in a long, long, long while. i wanted to get into it, to say how i felt like every ounce of energy left me the moment bryan went back last monday. how i felt so extremely good and proud of myself after i wrote my theatre paper, felt like i could function again. tuesday comes and as much as i'm looking forward to the day it just always brings me down. tuesday night seeing rehearsal for machinal: up. wednesday not being able to focus and write the other theatre paper or do homework: down. wednesday at precisely 6pm when tickets for incubus were won: up. wednesday night incubus concert: it felt like i was high i was so happy (the pot smoking right next to me might've helped...). i could've been floating, somewhere else, just so extremely up. thursday morning easy soc test that took me 10 minutes to do: up. theatre quiz that makes me feel like an idiot afterwards: down. thursday night... after not seeing zozobra due to my actions: down. and then down, down, down, so that i was rifling through my purse on the way back to albuquerque looking for a safety pin to dissipate the overwhelming urge to cut, even with bryan right next to me and kristen in the back seat... not finding one and proceding to slip further and further down. exact contrast to night before. friday, down. didn't recover from the night before. saturday: down until sometime in the afternoon when the bad energy was pulled from me and i felt ok again. saturday night: flat.

sunday, 12:30am: breakdown.

everything that i'd been holding in for such a long time just came out. and it was the best thing that i could've done. i said what i felt, what i thought, what i believed, even as illogical as it all was. and is, to an extent. saying that i want this to stop, but i don't know how... i don't want to talk to a therapist, i don't want medication. but i want it to be over. and i don't know. everything of last week was just too much for me. too much, and i couldn't get out of it.

and i don't know. now that i'm back here, i don't know. i know it'll come back, that i will slip back into it, because i always do and i think i always will, i just have to be better about trying to get myself out of it. i say all these things now, but once it comes back i don't know what i'll be saying. i just know that i don't want to hurt anyone... and at the same time i don't want to hurt myself.

i should be tired and sleeping now. i should keep writing. it helps. talking helps. and that's what i think i need now. help.

karma

it seems now the world outside me is reflecting how i am.

won tickets to the incubus concert 1.5 hours before it started, because i was procrastinating doing work and aj told me to go win tickets for us. whoda thought. awesome wednesday night contrasted by last night. and i didn't have any safety pins around.

six months is going to be so hard.

right

there are few places where i feel right. one just happens to be a theater. i was sitting in the zohn theater tonight, watching rehearsal of a play that i feel that i know now, i've read and thought about and internalized, almost going crazy in the process... but seeing the actors, tom's setup and interpretation of it... i missed being onstage immensely. and to think, a real stage, in a real theater. lights and sound, backstage, having the option of changing sets. direction, being able to take a character apart and build them up as someone real, react to everything around, the situation, the emotions, blocking, frustrations and accomplishments. sharing inside jokes with fellow thespians. being able to say thespians and be understood. i miss it all.

i want to be a part of that again. it won't happen soon... i have too much that i can't handle already. but next semester, i'll have things at least halfway figured out. i'll be able to spend 4 hours every day at rehearsal. i'll be able to focus on my job. i'll be able to feel good after the production's over. and then i'll belong somewhere again. all i ever did was drama... and even then i didn't do it well. i want to do it well.

which has a better theatre scene, nmsu or unm?

everything passes

better. finally got it written... now i feel like i might be able to get through the rest of the week without just staying in bed all day.

short weekend. it always goes so fast and i feel so bad for being so sad most of the time. and i try to make myself stop being so sad... so out of it... but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. sometimes no matter how much i'm told that things will be better and that i'm gonna be ok, i just can't see past the fog and the feeling and the tears. and it's so easy to just curl up under the covers and not look out into the world, not let anything in. if nothing comes in then nothing can hurt, i can't let myself down or let someone else down. i just keep remembering that i'm loved, that at any point in time if things really did get bad, that i'd always have somewhere to go. and that everything does pass.

i get frustrated when i can't write here, but i get even more frustrated when i can't write something for a grade. because then things just spiral downward... fail class, lose motivation, go under 3.5, lose scholarship, lose college, and then what the hell am i supposed to do... yeah, i am still a pessimist. i do still think that the worse will happen, i'm just better at trying to lie to myself now. i guess i'm still in the way of thinking to downplay everything, that way when something good happens, it's even better, and when something bad happens well i expected it so life just sucks anyway. there's a psychological/sociological name for that, but i've forgotten over time.

passes. it passed enough so i could write. passed enough so i could walk back to the cafeteria and see people and feel ok. passed enough so i could come back to an empty room and not feel lonely... one step at a time. one hour, one day, one week. then a month, then a semester, and then to look back and see that everything passed...

it's still hard though.

daze

i feel like all my energy has been drained from me.

i have no idea how i figured i'd be able to write that paper now.

i'm sorry.

sometimes i don't know

bad day. bad, bad day.

at least i got a tetanus shot out of it.

wait, that's a bad thing too.

spending way too much time on bus.

i have to write. why can't i write??

we'll try each other on to see if we fit

so... not here. just a state of zoning out and wanting to sleep again, drift into that place where i dream and everything goes away. where everything feels peaceful and right and i never need to wake up to be someone else. songs like dreams and the feeling of sleep. how do you describe feeling... the same way you feel it. soft and smooth and warm all at the same time. moving in a swaying vibe, back and forth with closed eyes and perfect rhythm. because it's so much better than where i am now. cold, sharp, noisy room, bright light without warmth and an aura of tension. tight muscles and cluttered spaces and night that's just on the other side of the door. known responsibilities and tasks that just can't be done, no focus except on the made up feeling of sleep. guitar and bass and a steady drumming... does anything ever get explained? good intentions and actions distorted into something unfamiliar and creepy. getting jolted back into this reality of made up realities by the steady beeping of the alarm clock, pushing past another day. happy and sad, optimistic and tired, wanting to do everything possible yet too tired and unfocused to actually do it. make it easier, make it sleep, make it dream. just sit under the fading sunlight and the coming darkness, under the stars and the moon and the clouds, freeze in the moment of sleep in reality. existing while not existing. everything comes back to you in the end, nothing goes unnoticed or unanswered, karma and regret, they all just flood back when you just want to fade out into the warmness of not being. focus and focus but i'm back to all those late nights where the specific words won't come. writing for assignments never starts out well. the base thought of whoring words out for an unwanted purpose. and this feeling that i can't shake for now, don't want to shake it off, just stay in the space where things don't happen forever... i miss the world of contentment and sleep. do you dream when you're dead? lights just can't shut off and everything ceases. energy can't be destroyed, so where do you go... out, around, off to an eternal dream state. we wish. i don't think about it anymore. not heaven or hell or god or angels, life having a greater meaning and people having a purpose. it all just... faded. cynicism and finally waking up to my real world, putting my life in my own hands instead of some unknown creator. nothing exists until we say it does, and even then... filling out scholarship applications and having to think about the future. and i say it doesn't exist. but i can't let it go anymore. the same four years of getting through, following a set plan without breaking out and doing what matters. fading and fading and waiting for someone to come and wake me up again. why? why not. life ends after you stop waking up. it's all different now, different and new... what to do besides, and i don't feel like doing it again, after three months and off and on and still wanting to be a part of something, i don't feel like it anymore. reading and reading and not being there. no scars. i have no scars, and no one knows until i tell them. no one would have ever known, and i'd probably still be doing it. millions of realities and i had to pick this one. some things outweigh others. respect for the body means not defiling it... and for a second there i understood perfectly and felt guilty for everything i do, but then my mind went back to the laws created by men on behalf of an entity that doesn't exist. but i still don't know. i understand now, but i don't know. do other people understand why they do the things they do to their bodies? sometimes i wonder, but i never forget. taking it all back would be like taking back those other people, the past people. they existed, they existed to create me, to change and develop and all of a sudden i'm here. sometimes i hate the other people, but most of the time i think "how can i get that one back, how can i bring her back"... i can't. she's faded away into the infinite parallel universes (universi) and now i stand here in this one. circles and cycles, everything comes back around.

i never sat under the stars and just... was. i've always wanted to do that, but things get in the way. i wanted to tell you everything and yet shield you, so that we could both be on our separate ways and never look back. just end before anyone could get hurt... when did i change...