loners and republicans and jesus freaks, oh my!

so, it should be about time that i post about this whole ordeal rather than how i'm freaking out so much.

generally... i've had a lot of time to myself. too much, maybe. so much that the first weekend i was here i stayed in my room the whole time, sleeping and just staying under the covers, sometimes crying, sometimes just waiting to sleep. being anti-social, as usual. not the best thing i could do, but it wasn't like i cared at the time... move into a room that's not mine, and yet it is. white walls, new carpet, new desk and bed and dresser, and yet it feels like i'm in some hotel. nothing on the walls, no pictures, no posters, because sometimes i feel like i can't get attached. and yet...

spent that whole weekend thinking. about the past, about where i was then, about where i wanted to go, if i even wanted to get there. if i even had a there in mind. between feeling totally hopeless and completely independent, knowing that i can finally do what i want yet i can't ever do what i want... it just throws you for a loop sometimes. it was the past repeating, but i had a few years to look back on the last time and see what went wrong, if anything went wrong. and i thought that i couldn't go through it again. it's such a contradiction, and yet i keep going. i kept going. things will be better, things will be better, if only for a moment, one blue moment, everything's worth it. and so i get up at 7am and take my shower, wash off the day before and all the feelings that cloud the day, the shadow that clings on me. walk to breakfast, walk to class. listen to one awesome woman in the midst of so many bland stupid men (minus tom, but actors can never be bland). get really excited and then proceed to go through the motions, putting in time. internet and meals and internet and sleep. lather rinse repeat. meet new friends, connect with old ones. half hugs and laughs and going to ihop at 2am. new inside jokes and no one knows who i am... i could be anyone... they don't know where i've been... and it can be kind of refreshing. and at the same time i'm thinking i would be with my friends right now, laughing and joking and the only thing that's different is that they know me. love. friends for social things vs friends i can always count on. then class and class and i should do homework but i won't, i don't care if i fail but i want a 4.0. if i never go anywhere i don't have to spend money for gas, if i eat at the taos i won't spend money on food, more money means more choices for the possible future. books and notebooks and dropping an easy class. waking up to an awesome sounding song on the other side of the wall. emails and talking and being scared and lonely and happy and optimistic and out of it. reading a play and getting so fucked up that i wanted to si after three months free and days of not even thinking about it. waiting it out and waiting it out because i need to, i have to, i want to. another day waking up at 12:30pm and not getting out of bed until 2:30. getting out of old mindsets and opening up to the world. take it in a day at a time and just feel good. it'll come back, that feeling of before, but now is good. starting routine over again and being better, going to tae kwon do (whoda thought) and writing two programs that actually work. easing into the night and laughing with new friends and homework and writing...

the sun is nice. warm. feels so good when i just sit in the sunlight... i'm getting back my emotions, finally. at least i think i am... i must be. my moods are starting to jump back and forth again. i'm getting through though, because i need to, have to, want to. i'm not exactly where i want to be, physically, geographically, and emotionally, but right now i'm feeling ok. getting through a week at a time, the same strategy i used in seventh grade. it works.

things are different. things are weird. things are scary. but i'm going to be here for a while... and maybe more than just a while.

and now i'm ok. make it last. fill every moment with this... peace.

i'm ok...