monkey monkey son of a monkey

hi there.

i ... sort of ... don't have any homework tonight, so i decided to come post... something that i don't really do all that much apparently.

so yeah. i started school yesterday. it was pure hell. except for guitar. i like guitar. i just have to get my pinky to move without me having to use my other hand to move it. word. yeah i was sitting in history, and we were singing (NOT fun. i had that damn song stuck in my head all day) and i thought "Hmm, self-mutilation doesn't sound that bad right about now."

it's a good damn thing i didn't have a razor blade with me then. but then again i am a little hypochondriac, i'd probably be too afraid to lose any blood... considering i think i'm anemic.

and diabetic.

and have OCD.

and i think my mom thought i was anorexic. you know i didn't see that one coming.

anyway yeah as i'm sitting here i'm looking at this paper with my mom's handwriting on it. it says "Signs of Depression".

my initial thought is: ok, so was it for me, or chris?

my second thought: you're a little late to be wondering if i'm depressed now. you should have thought of that 4 years ago when i was suicidal. but hey, then again i would absolutely freak if they even sort of knew what was going on with me then.

fuck i hate writing personal stuff. it pisses me off. the only reason why i still do is that i know only one person ever reads this. maybe the occasional two, but i'm still counting on NO ONE knowing about this blog.

which does kind of defeat the purpose of a blog. but i'm weird.

so my mom just left like 15 minutes ago to go see her friend that has cancer. from the little bit that i heard, it sounds like she's on her way out. like she's going over there to say her goodbyes. and that sucks cause i can't handle emotional people. well, i can handle the occasional alex and before 5 months ago the occasional jess, but i sooooo cannot handle hysterical people. especially when people die... see, i don't think dying's that bad of a thing, and i never cry when people die, and i guess people really resent me for that, but i don't know... i'm just not that type of emotional. ah i don't know i can't write more about this i really hate dealing with this issue...

so yeah... i hate being compulsive.