so yeah

so yeah i'm trying to put off doing my english. and i really shouldn't 'cause i can just bs through it and get it over with. i think i shall do that in a second, after i finish downloading this prodigy song i've had in my head for like 6 years.

i know. long time.

so i never really realized how nice the silence was. the good thing: after being in LA, he totally hates it here, and won't come back other than the times he's already paid for.

always a plus.

it looks cloudy. i really hope it clears up by tomorrow. it rained last year at the fiesta, and it sucked.

i don't know... i just don't know...

i am so full of shit

oh my god what the hell was i thinking with that post yesterday... it's such shit. i mean, it's true, but still i didn't have to freakin post about it. that's what my rambling head gets me... long stupid posts.

aaahhh i feel like such a dumbass. and my eyes are still really dry and i can't see. and i don't have the right prescription in my glasses so i can't even take my contacts out unless i want to be running into stuff... more than i usually do.

BAH he's coming back TOMORROW. and just when i thought my life was calm without him. now he's a dumbass. he's always been one, but for the past year he's been so much worse. i would laugh at him but he's too much of a jackass for me to even bother. i'm thinkin of staying in my room all weekend, which won't be hard cause i have a lot of projects i have to work on. terrible terrible terrible.

alex, do you still read this? cause if you do i can't talk about your party on this specific blog. i'll have to go over to the super secret one i have... but then i'm the only one who'll read it. ... i don't think she frequents this blog anymore, but i never know. oh and guess what... matthew perry is canadian! i was so surprised when i found that out.

i want to be seventeen right now. i want to be able to tell people that i'm seventeen. i want to feel like i'm seventeen. i want to feel older so that maybe people will actually take me seriously. maybe they'll respect my beliefs and leave me to be myself. i want to be older so i can leave these people who keep bringing me down. being in this house is killing my soul. being in this whole family is making me go crazy.

aaahhh and i wonder why i have no self-esteem.

they sent out a paper yesterday that said when reps from some colleges would be coming. i want to check some of them out, but i still have no idea what i want to do with my life... except that i'm not gonna be an english major. i don't know... when i was little it was so clear-- grow up, become a scientist, and have fun every day of my life. or at least that was my dream of the future. now it's get a job, get some money, go to college somewhere, survive college, survive living without my friends, survive being alone, survive life. i really don't like my dream for my future being really vague.

i don't know... should i put personal stuff on this blog? i'm torn because i really want to write my feelings down and get them out of me, but i'm terrified by who could find this blog... mainly any of my family members. i know they already know about the site, which means they know about the blog, and i have a feeling like i might have told alex about this blog... but given that i haven't talked to him in forever (at least it seems that way) i don't think he remembers. but still the very idea of my family knowing what i actually feel and am going through... well it terrifies me to the bone.

i don't really care if my friends read my personal stuff... i mean i never talk about anything in my life (unless it's me being a hypochondriac), so i don't know... they'd be able to get inside my head without badgering me about it. not that i wouldn't talk to them if they asked me something outright. i don't know. i just can't verbally talk about myself. i've been living with someone who talks about himself constantly for a large part of my life, and i just don't like that. it's like i'm being selfish talking about myself. i don't mind other people talking about themselves though. in fact i really like hearing about other people's lives. my thing is that i can never know enough about you. you could sit down and tell me your whole life story and i would still want to hear more. i want to know everything. what your feelings are, your view on life and anything else, your relationships with different people and your family... everything. i don't know... i feel bad about that too, cause you're telling me all this stuff about you, and you know virtually nothing about me. i mean really, when i think of it, even alex knows very little about me.

so for any of my friends reading this, anything you want to know about me, just ask. i promise that i'll answer truthfully. i'm through with being an enigma, but if you don't ask, i won't volunteer any information.

now i feel better, like this post has wiped out yesterday's terrible terrible post.

who the hell am i anyway??

my passion for trying is slowly letting go of me.

i mean, i love to learn... as long as it isn't english, and i'll try anything school related just to learn something. i'll go through homework and tests and semi/total-psychotic teachers and it won't bother me cause i'm learning something that could define me later on in life.

but st. mikes has just about killed all that out of me. now i won't do my homework, won't pay attention in class, won't study for tests, and frankly i don't even care if teachers get pissed off at me.

uh, to understand that you have to understand my system... or actually THE system:

1 - suck up, a lot. teachers have no problem hating you. despite what people may tell you about how teachers are always there for you and such (and such, damn it daniel now i'm saying that), they really don't give a general shit about you. they're getting paid crappy and they feel like they're god, so they think everyone should bow down at their feet. that said... you have to majorly suck up to survive decently. i don't mean suck up so it's obvious, just that you're always nice and courteous and prepared for class and generally participative. this includes when you feel like absolute crap or that the teacher is being a nazi. i know it sounds unconventional and degrading, but this is how i've survived 11 & 1/2 years of school... with an A average.

2 - pay ATTENTION during class. again, i know it sounds unconventional, but usually if you pay attention, and i mean really pay attention, you'll know everything or at least have a general knowledge of everything that's on tests and homework. this cuts out all the late-night cramming that never helps you anyway. and usually this gives you a way better grade than if you never pay attention during class and cram til 1:30am for a test.

3 - DO NOT get your teachers pissed at you. you get them pissed even once, and they're liable to take it out on you when they're grading your stuff. believe it, they do it. hell, if they don't like you're siblings or parents they'll take it out on you. that's why you have to be extra careful about what you do and say and how you act around them.

i have more stuff that goes into detail, but this is the general part. oh yeah and
DISCLAIMER: i know there are some teachers out there who are actually nice and care about their students, so don't jump down my throat for what i said. the thing is... have you ever experienced new mexico's education system? i mean really experienced it? then shut up and keep reading.

so that is my general system i live by. or lived by i should say. see, st. mike's is like hell, governed over by Hitler and all her nazis. no matter what you do, you're in a sweltering inferno filled with asshole adults who want all the power, and want you to kiss their feet. oh, and look at it if hell had a designated uniform you had to wear every day. if you don't like the hell metaphor, then look at it as a prison. it's pretty much exactly the same, except without cable tv and having to use soap on a rope...

YOU try having to go to school in hell. see how long you last. but anyway, nothing i do changes anything, and i figure if i have to live in hell for the next 2 years, i might as well stop trying to actually enjoy being there, cause i don't. now i hang out with my friends more and worry about school less, i come home and instead of doing homework i get on the net. then i watch tv. then i eat dinner, watch tv, and go to bed. if homework gets done, well then i must have been extremely bored.

and frankly i like this new way of life. it's nice. not having to worry all the time, actually getting to do what i want, it's nice. i still get pissed when i don't get good grades on things, but i let it go a lot easier now than i did a few years ago. i mean if i have to live in hell i might as well enjoy what i can, right?

right.

i've spent too much time on this already. remind me next time that no one reads this and i'll put less on here...

well not really but you never know i might just become an english major or something.

HA. just checkin if you were still paying attention.

"come on, trip the clown!"

so the state fair was wild. wild. really crowded. but fun at the same time. i think i liked being with my friends more though. but yeah if i had $100 to waste i'd sooo spend a whole day at the fair.

tired tired tired and my knees hurt... i got up at 7am to get ready for church. got to sleep last night sometime between midnight and 2 because my joints (hips, knees, and ancles) were killing me. so i'm pretty much running on fumes today. have to do my homework. have to stack wood for the stove for winter. mmm have to download more alejandro sanz music. have to take a nap. have to sell my raffle tickets. have to check my car make sure it isn't dead...

but i got to spend a whole day with my friends... THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME COME WITH YOU!!! considering that's probably the last time in a few weeks that i'm gonna be able to do anything with my friends...

aaahhh i love it today for some reason... i don't know maybe because i had such a good day yesterday. mmm and i'm listening to him...

sorry brandin but i love him more than you... for the moment at least.

the latin grammys

mmm that was the most wonderful thing ever. i love it when they have spanish on a big network, makes me feel at home. that and only at a latin awards show will the singers actually sing in spanish. all the other shows they sing in english, and it pisses me off because they really sound better in spanish.

but oh my god i love that show. so alejandro sanz sang... OH MY GOD MMM... and to think my mother actually got to go to his concert in california! if anyone wants to do something really cool for my birthday, besides getting me flickerstick merch, you should get me his cd. i'd love you forever... no really i would...

so i couldn't do that blessing thing in mass today... just couldn't... it was too much like saluting hitler... and it wouldn't bother me so much except that we have satan and hitler both in the form of a psychopathic principal. it really is terrible, and now i'm not the only one complaining about this (for those who think i'm the only one with a problem), everyone, EVERYONE thinks she's hitler. everyone. go ahead. ask around.

so i still don't know about saturday. right now i'm too tired to care. DAMN ALLERGIES!!! allergies and english should die. bah but at least it's almost the weekend.

i wrote a thing in religion that's like a blog post. it was actually supposed to be a 2 page paper, but i don't like following outlines so i just put it into my own words. if i get bored i'll post it up here. or maybe on the other blog.

why do i still have these blogs... no one's reading them anyway... and if they do they sure don't contribute by adding some comments on the posts. come on. you know i'd comment for you.

that is, if you had a blog.

YAY!

BEN'S COMING BACK IN OCTOBER!!!! i was just at his blog and i read it. it says first week of october.

this makes me happy.

mmm so school has become increasingly crappy. i would get into it but i'm in a fairly good mood right now and i don't want to fuck up that vibe. so aaaaaaaahhhhhh i was surfing yesterday and found this cool wicca site. it had a banner, so i put it up. click it. you won't be disappointed.

so yeah still trying to get all the kinks ironed out of saturday's schedule. i want to go like at 1 and come back early-ish. everyone else wants to stay til eleven. aaahhh that and SHH i have to plan alex's surprise party. haha alex i know you're reading this and this is the last that i'll talk about it so that you'll forget by then...

mmm i want to go to sleep so byebye...

Juniors... just like jews in concentration camps

so i said that i was gonna feel like shit by the time the week was over, and oh how i feel like shit. today was by far one of the worst days i've had so far this school year. terrible terrible terrible. i'm emotionally drained, tired, and i feel sick. i would be sleeping right now except if i sleep now i'll be up all night and have major neck/back/leg/knee cramps tomorrow.

i really don't feel like doing anything this weekend. ha i just reread that and it made me laugh. i never feel like doing anything. i'm a freakin lazy ass kid who can't even freakin take care of herself. i swear i think i'm majorly unhealthy. and i don't think that's my hypochondria speaking. but then again who knows... i've given up trying to fix my mental problems. i figure i got out of being suicidal, and that's good enough for me.

you know it raining really doesn't help my mood either. aaaaaahhhhh i am such a freak. i'm stupid and uninteresting and i have no confidence and i'm a complete FREAK! aaaaahhhhh this really isn't good for me...

and besides that it's not good for you so i'm gonna finish this on my other other blog.

ugh

so i just read the whole "personality test" thing and i agree with pretty much everything except the paranoid part. i'm not paranoid. at least not to that extreme.

so this week has been... long and weird. not all that much has happened except more ridicule by hitler. i really hope that they get rid of her by next year.

let's see, things... i got hoobastank's cd on... saturday i think and i've been listening to it nonstop ever since. it's pretty damn good. but it still can't compare to flickerstick. mmm they're coming out with a live cd, and apparently they're working on a new cd to come out sometime after newyears (at least that's how it sounds).

this whole week i've been feeling like avoiding everybody. like just come to school, go to class, and go home without socializing. it's been one of those confidence-degrading weeks. i know i'll feel like complete shit by the time it's over, but next week i'll naïvely be hopeful again just to be kicked in the head with reality.

AAAHHH WHY DO I ALWAYS WRITE SUCH CRAP?!

so... in 3 weeks it's fiesta, and then 2 weeks later it's alex's birthday, then kyle's birthday 5 days after that, then halloween, then my birthday and the play, then thanksgiving, then christmas break. that is what my head refers to when you ask me anything about the calendar.

"i would die for you..."

aahh i suppose i should get to doing my homework.

once upon a midnight dreary...

you know i could keep going...

so i'm in slight pain... they put a thicker wire on my bottom teeth today. that and they did something to my top teeth but i don't know what... they never tell me, they just do it and then make me wait for half an hour until dr. hernandez checks it and i can leave. aaaaaahhhh but it's all cool. i like them. they're nice. and funny.

so here's what my goal is: finish the raven, and then do the city in the sea and then who's on first (if i can get someone to do it with me). the more that i think of it, i could do the raven for drama, but what would the audience think of it. i mean i can really play it up, but would they even want to hear it?

wait, what the hell am i saying... they pay $4 to get into our crappy auditorium to watch a mediocre show (i say that only because me and matt can't choose who does what) that we almost always lose money on... who cares if they don't want to hear poe.

ah drama club. like my second home. a much wilder second home, but still i like it.

Personality Disorder Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

apparently i'm supposed to remember that only a professional can diagnose me...

mmm fire...

so yeah. blogskins was up today finally. so i got all that taken care of. i am planning to go to the 4:10 showing of signs at dreamcatcher, which means i have to leave in 10 minutes. no hurry. no rush. but yeah i am finally going to see it, even if it means that i have to see it alone (which i am).

i don't know... i've been really tired today... i almost fell asleep like 3 times today.

ah i should go get ready...

my aching head, my breaking heart

i really need to post on that blog.

but blogskins isn't up. and i told myself that i wouldn't start posting until i got everything perfect and done the way i was going to have it so i wouldn't have to re-type all the codes.

i find it funny that people can ignore me when i'm standing right in front of them. i wonder if anyone would notice if i just disappeared.

...

BAH (choices choices)

sooo i hate making choices. alex you can now make all my choices for me (within reason). like that friends episode where rachel has monica make all her choices in her love life for her (alex understands things in friends-talk). yay. wait, why did i just say yay?

aw i'm just too fucked up today to care.

i'm gonna go get another blog now.

buh-bye.

great. my life couldn't be enough like hell

so great. he's coming back. the 20th. to see her of all things. now personally i don't care what he does as long as i don't have to be around him. but it gets my parents so freakin pissed that they take it out on me. great. like i'm not used to that.

so yeah. i got one paragraph done. 2 to go.

kill me now

hey. i feel like crap yet again. sadly i know exactly why but i can't do a damn thing about it except take some ibuprofin and take a nap.

i slept until 10:30 this morning. it was wonderful. granted, i still have the headache i had last night, but it's not that bad anymore.

so today: i have to do my history homework (it shouldn't take more than an hour) and i have to start/finish (wishful thinking) my english homework. i figure since it's a rough draft, i can pretty much make it total crap. and when i say that, i mean total crap. i really don't feel like doing anything today, so hopefully my english-smart friends will take pity on me this week and help me do the essay.

i'm thinking of creating yet another blog. and if i do, you certainly will never hear of it. i'll make that clear right now. maybe i'll give the address to alex, but that's about the only person i trust 100%.

sorry.

i love you.

really, i do.

aw screw it.

Reanimation

so let me clarify that last post.

so since chris left, i've been downloading good music off kazaa and so i was downloading all the flickerstick songs they had. i'm still trying to get a good version of fade into you (mazzy star cover) and they didn't have international there, and i'm downloading the devil does, and there was another song there: my december.

now i would've been skeptical but i thought that i remembered them having a song "my december", so i started downloading it. now i always play the song i'm downloading before it's finished downloading so i can delete it if it's not a good version or it's the wrong song or something. so i played the song and it was definitely NOT flickerstick. and i know now that i should've recognized it, but i was so into how cool the song was that i couldn't think of anyone it might be. so now after i got back from my grams i searched for "my december" and found out that it was linkin park. that makes me feel stupid 'cause i have hybrid theory and i love it, and i was gonna buy reanimation but i haven't got around to it. well, now i'm gonna have to use 15 of my $40 i have left and buy that cd.

ok so enough of that. damn now that i'm on music... so yeah i'm a dork but i've been downloading pachabel's canon (sp?). i have like 4 versions of it: one for piano, one for violins and cello, another one for piano, and this other one that i'm downloading now. have i told you... i absolutely love classical music. and the opera. i love andrea bocelli. i love mozart and vivaldi. to make a general assumption that would be quite accurate: i love (almost) anything that involves people playing an instrument or singing. now that excludes any pop crap boy band brittney spears perry como old school that my grandma loves stuff. i'm sorry but i just can't stand that.

AAAAHHH THIS IS NOT FLICKERSTICK DOING FADE INTO YOU!!! AAAHHHH

i'm such a dork. this makes my whole day. too bad i have to do homework. ah well maybe the world will end tomorrow and i won't have to do it. i love it. that's my dad's philosophy. it drives my mom crazy. ah home life.

i should really rename this blog to boycrazy dot com. so i was in church today (i know, weird place to check out guys but hey i was going to be there anyway) and i was totally surprised. lee has such a great voice. not to mention he's also hot. i'm pretty sure that he's 16, but since i've never actually met him, i don't really know. but he's so cool. he went to canada (canada is always a plus) this summer to see the pope. i think james met him... maybe i'll ask him about him.

woah, bad grammar alert. so my question to you is this: why do i, a future science major or photographer (or rock star) need to know how to write a 5 paragraph essay on symbolism in GOW and/or BB? you know that's what i said too... i don't. i see no reason for me to have to continue in an english track. i know what some of you are saying: it's like the whole "when am i ever gonna need to know math" argument. but you see, my argument is a lot more valid. for one: eveyone knows that they're gonna need math. 2nd: i already know math. C: i have very good grammar (when i want to use it), i know how to put sentences together, i can organize my thoughts on paper, and i know how to do research. i think that's more than enough. but what i don't understand is how i will need to know books and authors and symbolism and archetypes (whatever the hell those are) and metaphors and all that other crap when i'm NOT GOING TO BE AN ENGLISH MAJOR?!

now i understand the need for english if i was going to be a lawyer. my dad had to have my mom teach him english when he was in law school. but since i've been forbidden by him to ever be a lawyer, i don't need to know all that crap.

bah i'm just digging myself deeper and deeper into that whole that will one day kill me.

speaking of murder, i watched the last hour of IT on scifi on friday. i love that book. jonathan brandis playing bill in the movie also doesn't hurt.

i don't know what i'm gonna do. i want to stay on the net all day, but that will never do. i should practice guitar some more today.

mmm if someone really wanted to do something nice for me they could get me tickets to flickerstick... or maybe just some of their merch...

mmm brandin...

My December

holy shit this is so not flickerstick...

WHO THE HELL IS THIS??!!