machinal

and it's never the same, is it? never the same as the time before, everything's just a little different, just a little different as to throw you off, off the edge and then who knows where you'll go, what'll happen... quien sabe... and it's true like the pressing of bodies and the noise and the people, everything's so scattered and misplaced, head swimming like you're drunk when you never even do that sort of thing, for that very reason, and i can't find a bible because i left them all two years ago, all five of them and not one to be found. a bible. people just don't understand. how could they understand? i don't even understand. twelve days and what brings it out? a play. a fucking play. and i cried for understanding, for thinking the same way and wanting to be free just the same... the routines and the monotone voices and the zip zip zipping of everything across your mind... my mind... sometimes it just won't shut up... and no one has a bible... there's a whistling outside my window. it makes everything seem unreal. and i'm dissociating. i gave all my razor blades... stupid girl. i can never stop this. over and over and over and everything just repeats itself. time just repeats itself. and i want to get out but i never can, never can just get out. damn my rules. and no one needs this. god knows i don't need this. god knows. psalm 139 was always my favorite, at least til the end. i can't find the other. it comes and goes... this wave of being. comes and goes. it goes. murder. nothing makes sense. does it ever? love. love makes sense until life gets in the way. too tired to argue with it. it all comes around again. a big circle. that's what time ever is, a great big circle. the same things happen over and over and over. i can't fathom eternity. there is no eternity. there is no future. there was never any future. the present. millions of possible presents. millions of presents. no future. god why don't they just shut up. no one's happy. everyone's happy. what is happy? feeling like you could die... no, that's contentment. death. is this what death is like? i never found out. but it felt so good, it must be. if fire engulfed everything... fire... haven't tried that before oddly... so easy. but everything's so hard. i love the cello... and this song... could have been easier on you, couldn't change though i wanted to. everything's so bright here... and i could just sit in the darkness and watch the moon forever. full moon. i'm tired. i'm... wrong. wrong about so many things. i scare him too much. wrong. i was getting through until last night. and now... i should just let go. let go.

let. go.