send me all your vampires

all i remember is me being so nervous about seeing you again. thinking what would you do, what would happen... i dressed all in black and felt good, good because i knew that you think i'm beautiful, knew that if i felt good i would feel beautiful. and i set off for a night that i knew i'd never want to end.

letting you drive, walking with you, talking, looking at you smiling... it all felt so right. it felt lilke we'd been together for longer than a couple of months, and i felt safe again. safe and sane. driving to the sanctuary in the mountainside, finally relaxing and letting stress go, being at peace in your arms. but underneath it all was always this sadness. sitting in the car after getting back to the parking lot, resting my head on your shoulder because i knew if i looked at you i would start crying. holding your hand and your shoulder, not realizing how fast the minutes ticked by. but nights have to come to an end, and i watched you linger at your car door and i wanted so desperately to fall inside your arms and keep you, but instead i just got in my car and put in the cd and tried not to watch you pull away but i saw you as you waved goodbye and all i could do was just press my hand against the window. driving back home crying, trying to sing along to music with lyrics that were spot on, trying to not forget the way you looked at me when we were both leaving. getting in bed and crying softly, and in the middle of the night waking up and thinking i was in your bed, safe and perfect, wanting you to put your arm around me and calm me down and say that you love me.

but you weren't there.

and i never thought this would ever happen. even in the beginning, i tried to tell myself it was only a summer thing. but then i couldn't wait to hear you, to see you. it all just... happened. what was it... i wasn't expecting you? but everything fit right into place and everything felt so right. and you helped me so much, so much, even if you didn't realize it. you made me feel that i was alive again, alive and happy. i couldn't remember the last time i was truly happy, but with you i was. blue moments. just the little things, the little looks, feeling your hand on my hand, arms around shoulders and waists and tiptoeing to kiss you... finally seeing eyes and the way they twinkle and shine, sharing warmth and coldness and chapstick, subliminal messages and a promise that i never want to break with you, sudden "i love you"s and knowing that it's not just a passing phrase, late night movies and some people just don't understand, don't understand, sharing beliefs and beds and changing my view of myself, losing a piercing and wanting to be washed clean, being healthy for you, and love and love and love...

i always saw you as an amazing person, this best friend of best friends. so beyond what i was used to. so truthful. so real. so... right. and now it's hard to see myself without you, this entity once dubbed "b-stine". and i kept thinking why does life have to get in the way... it never felt like anything else existed when i was with you. and i say i want you to go out and live life, have a good time and meet people, other girls, when really i want you all to myself. i want to be selfish. throw logic out the window.

now if only i could either turn back or speed up time.

i love you babe. i love you infinity plus two, and i'll love you forever. thank you for everything.