the plans i make still have you in them

i just had half a post written down, and safari ate it.

i don't have energy for this anymore.

i can't do this for very long. i'm back to where i was six years ago. worse? right now, where i am right now, yes. last time i was being torn down from a full person, and now i'm already broken. last time, last time. i hate saying that. "back, before i became this". back when life was set and i didn't have these thoughts or feelings, i had regular feelings where i was normally happy normally sad cried when i was hurt or yelled at and that's all, when i was healthy and active and laughed and created and created and created, when i could stand up for myself and wanted to learn everything ever in the world, when i had three best friends and i made friends because everyone knew everyone and everyone's family, and santa fe was a once a month trip that i sometimes got to go on. before when school was free even though i didn't learn anything except how to write cursive and my multiplication tables.

it's all before. then, then, now.

only one person was truly honest to me about college. it's miserable. it's school, you have to start all over, have to pay for everything, and it affects the rest of your life. i'd like to give all those adults who keep telling me "it's different" a piece of my mind.

and i realize i'm a stupid crying little girl for writing this, but if i don't write these things they'll add up and it'll get that much harder for the little number on the left to keep growing.

i don't want this to become another "before". i don't want to cry myself to sleep every night for an entire school year again. i don't want to be so close to the edge that i can feel the razor blade against my wrist and taste the words i'm sorry off my tongue. and i can't stop taking care of myself. no anxiety attacks or not being able to enter a crowded room. no noise in my head that makes me want to scream except i can't. no anger, no anger. and i can't stop writing about this 'cause then i'll just crawl under the covers and stay in my bed all day long.

i had a path to all this, i did. things just get scattered the second time around.