geeeee

so now i feel bad again about how crappy my posts have been. i always want to say something that's been in my head all day, but when i do it just sounds really really bad. well, not really bad, but close.

so yesterday i was sitting on my couch trying to procrastinate (not do my homework) and i saw that i didn't read newsweek when we got it in the mail this week. so i picked it up and flipped through it, and THEY HAD AN ARTICLE ON BLOGS! how cool is that? yeah i got so hyped and i told my mom and she was like "a what?" yeah i know.

so i love guitar. it seems that i've managed to get an intermediate guitar. i was looking at everyone else's and i noticed that the necks on theirs were bigger than mine, and i was like damn no wonder i keep touching 2 strings at once. but it's all good. i love it too much to mind a lot, and daniel said that he'd trade me, given that he has 2 guitars and he likes mine better.

so yeah, first week of school for me. it was ok. i was totally overwhelmed by all the stuff i missed last week. i still have to do some stuff for history too. and me parece que inglés es muy tonto. no me gusta el inglés, pero el español es mi amigo. i swear it's worse than big t's class. and that tells you a lot. i feel like hitler has come and recruited all the people with psycho tendencies. i don't know, i'm hoping she'll chill out, or someone will fire her.

three day weekend and i have major english homework to do. i really want to go into santa and hang with alex (and meet owen) and see signs 'cause it's still at dreamcatcher. i don't know. aaaaaahhhhh i want it to be later already so i don't have to deal with all this school crap that keeps coming up.

aw i'm getting more and more confused, so i'm just gonna stop writing for now.

those eyes, part 2

so yeah here i am thinking about it again.

and the really crappy thing is that it's pissing me off. not the whole teenage crush thing or even that i think he's hot (yes alex i know you're probably like "um no he isn't" but it's THE DAMN EYES I TELL YOU), but that i think of him when i don't see him and i get all pissy when i do see him. so my reaction is (almost just like it always is) that i could give a fuck about him. really. well not really (see now i'm away from him so naturally i'm thinking of him). but i just really hate it. yeah, i think that's accurate.

you know for some weird reason i think people think i'm a lesbian. like, oh god who was i talking to, oh anyway i was talking to one of my friends a while ago and i was like "yeah that guy is really hot... mmm yeah i'd hit that in a minute" and they (it was a group) looked at me and were like "really??! we've never heard you talk about guys before..."

yeah. i think they seriously thought i was into chicks. and for the record i'm not. i have no desire to be with a chick. for me it would just be soo... weird and ... well weird, you know? (that was addressed to all the straight people out there). and let me also say this: i have absolutely nothing against gay/bi people. i could get more into this issue but i don't really want to right now.

so yeah what's been weirding me out is that i haven't stopped thinking about this one guy i used to know. well i guess he was like one of my best friends. so yeah for like a week i've been thinking of him. and if i wasn't so convinced that everyone in mowaque hates me i would call him up. well not really, i don't know his number, but i could find it out.

anyway yeah. guys. we've got them all figured out, but the damn thing is that we're the quirky moody ones.

that's right. i used the word moody. any more of my friends want to stop talking to me?

huh?

huh?

yeah i thought it was just her too.

woah i just re-read this post... it's really wandering... so back to him. i've given up. which is weird 'cause technically i never tried, but yeah. i'm moving on. sure, i still have that moment of "oh my god" when i see him, but i can ignore it better now. so yeah no more talking about him. ever!

aaaahhhh again i come here to post and instead i rant.

mmm you know who's hot... aaron... yeah i thought that died too...

you hack

yeah so alex sorry but i sort of hacked your blog... i noticed that netcomments has been offline for a few days so i put a link so you can use your enetation account for comments... and i sort of deleted the link to my page on your blog. sorry if this angers you.

don't worry... when netcomments comes back it will let you comment again... i didn't delete any of the coding for it in your template.

and ... i'd appreciate it if you'd leave the link to this blog off your blog... ok? ok? if it's not ok then you can put it back...

whatever you want...

MONKEY!

monkey monkey son of a monkey

hi there.

i ... sort of ... don't have any homework tonight, so i decided to come post... something that i don't really do all that much apparently.

so yeah. i started school yesterday. it was pure hell. except for guitar. i like guitar. i just have to get my pinky to move without me having to use my other hand to move it. word. yeah i was sitting in history, and we were singing (NOT fun. i had that damn song stuck in my head all day) and i thought "Hmm, self-mutilation doesn't sound that bad right about now."

it's a good damn thing i didn't have a razor blade with me then. but then again i am a little hypochondriac, i'd probably be too afraid to lose any blood... considering i think i'm anemic.

and diabetic.

and have OCD.

and i think my mom thought i was anorexic. you know i didn't see that one coming.

anyway yeah as i'm sitting here i'm looking at this paper with my mom's handwriting on it. it says "Signs of Depression".

my initial thought is: ok, so was it for me, or chris?

my second thought: you're a little late to be wondering if i'm depressed now. you should have thought of that 4 years ago when i was suicidal. but hey, then again i would absolutely freak if they even sort of knew what was going on with me then.

fuck i hate writing personal stuff. it pisses me off. the only reason why i still do is that i know only one person ever reads this. maybe the occasional two, but i'm still counting on NO ONE knowing about this blog.

which does kind of defeat the purpose of a blog. but i'm weird.

so my mom just left like 15 minutes ago to go see her friend that has cancer. from the little bit that i heard, it sounds like she's on her way out. like she's going over there to say her goodbyes. and that sucks cause i can't handle emotional people. well, i can handle the occasional alex and before 5 months ago the occasional jess, but i sooooo cannot handle hysterical people. especially when people die... see, i don't think dying's that bad of a thing, and i never cry when people die, and i guess people really resent me for that, but i don't know... i'm just not that type of emotional. ah i don't know i can't write more about this i really hate dealing with this issue...

so yeah... i hate being compulsive.

no more typing, please!

so i gave my whole account of the trip over at the other blog. and now i'm too tired and too lazy to put it up here. so if you want to read about it, go here.

bah

fuck i feel weird again. and i don't freakin know why. maybe it's because i started freaking out about school again today. damn school i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to but i have to so DAMN SCHOOL!

fuck it.

so yeah i'm back. lot of stuff to say. can't say it now... i think my mom wants me to get off the net soon... damn but i don't want to i'm talking to kyle...

fuck so i have to call alex tomorrow. and i have to do homework tomorrow... ::: no no don't freak out stay cool everything's fine it doesn't matter so you get an f who cares just don't fail the class right? ::: sorry i had to tell myself that just now... i've been getting anxiety attacks again lately. damn i've been all fucked up lately emotionally. fuck me and my damn one ovary. shit living with decreased hormone levels my whole life and now getting all fucked up because of those damn birth control pills (which by the way i use for my acne... don't go thinking i'm a slut). fuck and people wonder why i'm a freaking hypochondriac.

aaahhhh now i'm rambling. but i don't want to get off the net. and now my mom is kicking me off... bah i want to be with my friends...

BAH!

fuck it

that is my saying for my life. fuck it. usually it's just screw it, but i'm in that sort of mood that i feel the need to use better language.

so i feel like crap right now. i swear to god anyone talks to me (except alex) and i'll just start bawling. yeah, i feel that bad. took me a hell of a lot of patience to not break down in front of my family. blah i want to go to sleep but i said i'd call alex so that's what i'm waiting to do.

so yeah you know if you think that there's not enough of something, don't get more. really. whatever you have is probably enough for the job. trust me. oh fuck it nevermind.

so yeah first day of school was pretty cool, until seventh period. i know everyone said that chitwood was cool, but from what i saw today she's a little psycho path. i mean at least we knew that big t was a psycho path, but this woman is just weird. she's joined the nazi conspiracy.

so yeah i was already way too confused when she started saying "the essay that's due wednesday" and i just blanked out. i was like, fuck, i'm not going to do an essay. let me get a bad grade. what the fuck do i care. but you know on sunday night i'll be up til 12:30 finishing that damn essay. cause it takes me on average about 2 hours per paragraph. i may be pretty damn smart in a lot of things, but when it comes to english i'm just a general dumbass.

you know what i'm not going to try to change my locker. it's fine where it is. it's just a locker, right? right. so yeah besides from ghetto homework, school's pretty chill.

went out to lunch with alex after school. well, it started out with alex and then it became alex, david, kyle, and connor. it was like everyone from st. mike's was there. it was crazy. mmm she's probably still out with owen. i'll call her at 9.

so yeah the general freakout has begun. if my mom comes home and says anything to me... fuck it i'll go to bed before she sees me so i don't have to deal with anything.

i think we're expecting a call or something so i'm gonna get off now.

blah

life makes me sad.

so today was book day. longest. book. day. ever. word. it really was too long. so i got there at about 10:20 and thank god i found alex or i think i would've died. then everybody came and we went into the gym and listened to the nazi. yeah i said it. the nazi. she's a freakin psycho. yeah i know i usually give people a little more time before i judge (yes i judge) but from what i've seen and heard so far... well let's just say i hate all the people that made br. richard leave. yeah so after listening to the nazi and the rat and all of them we went to get our bookbill...

i got a fucking bottom fucking locker.

granted, it is the very last locker in it's row, so it'll be a little easier to get in and out of, but come freaking on. tomorrow morning i'm going in to mr. chacon's and asking him if i can switch to a top locker. yeah and if he says that there aren't any open, i'm going to pay someone to switch me. i know alex you said that i could have yours but i feel like i'd be taking advantage of your kindness and besides you like being by adam and brian and i doubt you'd feel the same way about shanae.

"sometime's i feel i've got to run away i've got to get away from the pain you drive into the heart of me..."

so yeah i'm still in the homeroom that i hate, but i have miriam and james to console me. they're cool. so anyway after i got my bookbill i went to the hall of death. we stood in that freaking hall for like an hour. and then we stood in the library for another half hour. aaahhh freak and then i went and saw my locker. oh well like i said i'll kill for a top locker. well not really but you get how much this pisses me off. so then since orientation took so freaking long i couldn't do anything with alex, and kyle and david were long gone, at least i didn't see them anywhere. so i had to come home. now that i think of it i should've went to mcdonald's with alex. damn oh well.

aaaahhhh it makes me feel... well not bad cause i'm trying to fix that in me but yeah i feel like i'm not worthy of such a great friend. (you know the real weird thing is she's the only one that reads this so it's like i'm talking to you alex... just in time-delay). really alex you are a really great friend to me. i don't know if i say that enough. but you are. and i know i could've told you earlier about me liking ... him ... but i was just so frazzled about everything. i mean we spent so much time together last school year and we're gonna spend a lot of time together this year, and i guess i was just hoping that it would go away but damn you know it didn't and it's like i like him more as time goes on. and you know that's never really happened to me, so i have no freaking idea what to do. like i always act like a complete idiot when i start talking about this stuff so i guess i just kept it to myself.

and you know i'd be talking about this to you in person except i'm not gonna have any time. at least not for about a week and a half.

but yeah i'll talk to you more now that i don't have so much personal crap to deal with (6 days til he's gone... FOREVER!).

mmm it felt soooo good to be by myself this morning. not having to listen to his crappy rap or his voice or any of his crap that i've had to deal with my whole life. it was really nice. i listened to flickerstick. of course it'll be different cause i went in the van today... he won't let me take his car until he leaves. apparently he has places to go.

i love it. i'm listening to "that thing you do" by the Oneders. or the wonders. whatever. i love it. that and "tainted love". mmm music.

i don't know. this year is gonna be weird. i mean i really don't want to start doing work again, or seeing all those people i hate, or seeing all those teachers i hate, but despite all that (and that bottom fucking locker) i'm hoping this year will be really really good. i don't know i'm trying not to think ahead a lot 'cause when i do i always end up fucking it up in my head and i get all freakin depressed. and i've already gone through that shit once and i really don't need to do it again. so i'm trying not to be a pessimist.

i saw sharon today. she was at school doing book day for jess. that makes me sad. i love sharon. i think she's the coolest mom ever. but since i haven't spoken to jess in what, 5+ months? i feel bad about it. i want to go talk to her and say "hey what's jessica up to?" but i still don't know what the hell that whole problem is. and i want to talk to her. see what the hell happened. i think it's been long enough that we could talk about it, but then again since i supposedly was the reason for the blow up maybe it isn't a good idea.

oh well i want to go surfing now.

byebye

sometimes i hate myself

aaaahhhh so i feel bad now because i never told her about him (previous post people). i know i should've but i could just never bring myself to it... being that i always feel that if i give any information that really means something to me someone could use it against me. the only reason i say that is because it's happened to me so many times before. and i trust alex. i really do. no, i really really really do. it's just hard for me. i'm not the one that shares what i'm feeling. i leave that up to other people and i listen to them and try and make them feel better, or just give them support. i'm not used to it being about me. that's just the way i grew up. it was never about me. it was always about chris, or mom, or dad, but never about me. maybe now that he's leaving i'll feel more comfortable talking about how i feel.

i have never felt like a worse friend than i do now.

those eyes

he is so beautiful. i saw him again last night, and i almost fell over with happiness. i was missing him sooo much when we got out of school, and then about a month ago i finally got him out of my head. but then i saw him yesterday and all that went out the window. everything came rushing back and i knew that i still couldn't do anything about it. i tell myself when i'm away from him that he doesn't matter... he doesn't give a crap about me... i'm just his weird friend... but you know how it is once you see them again. i don't know how i'm gonna survive this year. the sad part is that i'm such a chickenshit i'm never gonna tell him how i feel. damn me and my really low self-esteem. story of my life. him being there last night made everything so much better. it always does. and then i leave and start thinking about everything and it makes me want to cry. well usually it does make me cry.

WHY CAN'T I SAY WHAT I FEEL?!

i am such a sissy-bitch.

I Rock

mmm fire.

this is my second blog. i just spent the past 2 days figuring out how to fix the archives... so now all i have is a link to the archive page.

and this is a pretty pathetic first post. yeah i'm not counting that test one down there as an actual post.

so who am i... ok. i know people are all paranoid that if you give out personal information on the internet, the government can keep tabs on you and stuff like that... but i figure that they already have all that crap on you anyway so it doesn't matter what info you give out on the net.

so... I'm Kristin, 16 years old (only for a few more months), and i love fire. obviously. i go to a ghetto catholic private school in santa fe. they make us wear uniforms. they make us pray. they make us go to mass. they make us want to burn the school down. but enough of that.

i started blogging because i wanted to put all my random thoughts on my site and it was a lot easier than going into pagebuilder and fixing all that stuff around. so i started my first blog and ran with it. about a month ago i got my friend alex to post on my blog. since then i've been trying to teach her the ways of blogger and a little html. a few days ago we both started personal blogs, and since then i've been helping her fix her template and stuff like that. that's why i'm a little late on posting here.

so yeah. alex is my best friend. fair warning: if you mess with her i will personally kick your ass. don't try to call my bluff on that one either. that would not be good for your health.

last night we went to ben's going away party. it was... ok. i mean the only real reason i go to parties is to socialize with my friends outside of school. and besides we had to go... i'm like never going to see ben again. that's sad. so yeah there was one cool thing about it: Slap Yoko Ono... their band. ben on drums, dylan on bass, chris on guitar, and ... nick singing. now all and all they were pretty good considering the amount of practice they've had. and i know nick is their best friend, but... he's just not the singing type. i mean he's got great stage presence (he's a freakin actor after all) but i wouldn't really have him as the singer. i don't know maybe i should shut up i mean i can't play an instrument or sing... that said i guess he is pretty good as the singer.

this is sadly how most of my posts are going to go.

less than a week til school starts...