mental health day

i've been on the verge of tears the entire day.

i don't know how much longer i can do this. no choices. no outs. nothing except for miserable days and nights filled with excrutiating thoughts. and it wouldn't matter if i didn't care. and sometimes i don't. i don't want to care. i want to go back to when i knew myself and my place in the world and was ok with it in my anger. i want to go back to black days and indifference. when i could actually write. when i didn't care if i passed or failed. when i didn't care about following rules. when i didn't care. 'cause what's the point in bothering with all the stupid power trips and all other shit people put me through if i don't even plan on being around for when it supposedly matters.

i can't deal with it anymore.

and i won't be able to deal with it ever.

coming home last night in a fog. i listened to brandin's voice and i was taken into the music again. everything that i ever felt in it just came flooding back. a blue moment. and then i get home and bawl my eyes out. again. and it wasn't the pain. i can handle that. it was everything else that i won't be able to handle. getting through the last year of school. picking a college. leaving everyone i've ever loved. forever. everyone goes off and builds a life, moves on, grows stronger and smarter and better. and my soul just dies in the black days, waiting for my body to give up. all the little things i think of. not being able to control any of it. sure, you can try to direct which way you want to go. what you want to do. and eventually you're your own keeper for everything. but i can't get there right now. i can't see the future. all i can see is now, and right now the tears are rolling down my cheeks. and right now i love a very few people. and right now i want to be in their arms. i want them to understand me. i want to out of this place and i want to be in this place.

pain makes you remember that you're alive. but there's only so much pain you can take before it's not worth it anymore. i'm holding on 'cause i can still feel the life beneath the pain. and i'll hold on for as long as i need to. but one day it just won't be worth it anymore.

i anticipate that day with eagerness and fear.