all we are is gone

i don't know what to do.

i've contemplated life too damn much in the past few years, and now my thoughts are staring me in the eyes, and yet i'm still so damn conflicted.

i took satii's yesterday, and i didn't care nearly enough about them. i didn't care about getting into berkeley... and if i happen to get in, do i even want to go? i have to fill out the application and write my essays, but what am i going to say? it's not important to me. i could lie (like i did to finally get into nhs), but what's the point? what's the point of wasting money and time that we don't have, just to get out of state. all i want to do is learn web development. i could do that wonderfully at nmsu. tuition's less than it is at st. mike's.

aw get off it already.

october went by so slowly. november will no doubt go by equally slowly. the days all fall into each other, and i can barely pick out one day from the next.

i need a change.

i need to change.