things i don't know how to say

i don't know what to say.

i mean, i know i should say something. i should have something to say that has meaning, but i don't. something grand and revolutionary and life-defining, but i can't.

today was just like every other day that has ever been and every other day that will be. and i was fine with that. today has never been a big thing to me, as far as i can remember. there's no change, no revelation. no huge success. no life altering experience. no new knowledge. no new feelings. it's just the same.

and why i have such a hard time with people pointing today out as different, to me, to others, to the whole school, i guess that's it. i'm glad that people care, if they do care, it's just hard for me to be pointed out. i try to stay in the background (even though i probably shouldn't). it's just such a damn shock to my system when i'm singled out, even slightly.

i'm... well i'm really emotionally messed up now. because of the whole day in general. because of specific situations. because of people's reactions to one another. because of misunderstandings that will forever be misunderstood since people don't take the time to try and understand. because of good natured people being overlooked and blamed. because it seems like people really don't give a shit.

and i just can't get it.

i don't know how to handle things in my life. i don't know where i'm going, i don't really care.

i'm eighteen now. supposedly. i don't feel any different, not that i ever expected to. age is relative. days set aside for "celebration" don't matter, only the feelings and actions within them.

i'm so out of it i can't even put together sentences anymore. i don't know.

i'm going to put this up, because i never in my mind thought that anyone would ever think about me, much less write about me. she said she wrote this a while ago, i don't know. maggie, i hope you're ok with me putting this here.

i know a girl who makes hemp jewelry. her chocolate hair is soft and fine -- so slippery in your hands it must slide over your fingers like soap. this girl, with 2 cartilage piercings and a sometimes psycho mother who's a little too catholic, sometimes feels lost. lover of fire, and a certain boy, this girl i know longs to be close to people, but is afraid to let it happen. she lives in española and drives a granny-car with a trunk large enough to hide several bodies and doesn't drink even though her friends sometimes do. this girl i know, with a best friend named alex and a thinks-he-knows-it-all satan called a brother, is the goddess of html, and blogs too. when she posts she sometimes admits to being afraid, which is hard for people to do, and she helps anyone else with their own blogs when they don't know what to do. this girl, who doesn't have braces anymore and wears a blue sweatshirt instead of gray like last year used to eat lunch at my table. every day, milk and red grapes. and usually saltine crackers. all this came in a lunchbox shaped like a rectangle, but she never ate it. instead she had a dr. pepper and gave to the others her food. i know a girl who cares. who has more than general intelligence -- more than she'll admit to give. this girl, who loves flickerstick and wants to go to berkeley is not alone, even if she sometimes thinks so... i know a girl who makes hemp jewelry.