days and nights and this feeling
that just won't go away

i'm so glad this week is over. there comes a point, in all this madness, where you can't move through the days with ease. i mean, you go through life at an expected pace, slowing down a little and speeding up a little now and then, but sometimes you just hit a wall. a subtle act, a comment, a thought, one misplaced thing, just one little tiny thing and life crashes to a halt. that's what happened to me this week. a complete crash. a mental blue screen of death if you will. it's like, you see the signs for days, weeks, or even months ahead that something isn't right. things keep freezing, it's harder to move around, to do what you want in an even amount of time. you keep getting all these error messages that you try to ignore, until all of a sudden it's the blue screen of death.

sorry. i'll move away from the computer references.

i don't know. it's just a thing that happens with me a lot. and a lot more lately. usually i have a good bit of time between the... mental crashes... but recently it's picked up to a week between, maybe less. maybe writing will help, or just let me focus on it for a while.

i can start out ok. you know, not really happy, but nothing really bothering me. and then one little stupid thought gets into my head, something about failing in school or life, something really stupid like... like when i see boyfriend and girlfriend together, or not even boyfriend and girlfriend, just two people, together, and i think why can't i have that? that's semi-normal, that question. what throws me off is i know why i can't have that. i have a list of answers, explanations to all the stupid self-esteem reducing questions i pose to myself. it's validating the answer to the question that kicks it all off. the very act of confirming that i have no choice in a matter. and so with that thought continuously repeating in my head, the days get longer. simple acts become harder and harder to perform. like, i know where things are supposed to go, what i'm supposed to do, what i'm supposed to say, i just can't for the life of me say it. like my blank out on stage last week. i've been over it time after time, i know what i'm supposed to do, but i just can't. i can't write. i can't read. i can't talk. my brain just temporarily coughs and i'm left not knowing what the hell i was doing beforehand. i can still function, move through the day relatively fine, but the mental lapses just get closer and closer together. days become excrutiating. the stupidity of one act, one comment, by anyone gets magnified ten billion times so that everything that they do or say is disgusting. hell everything gets magnified. every sound gets louder, every action more erratic, every touch more invasive. to the point that i can't handle even being around more than one person. classes with more than ten kids in them feel like a packed elevator. it's hard to even go into the halls. that's why sometimes i might snap at you to lower your voice around me, calm down, leave me alone. it has nothing to do with you, it's just that i can't handle it.

and all these things just keep getting compacted, and i keep thinking about everything that i'm not doing that i should be, all the time i don't have to get things done, the choices that i have to make because i don't have that time, the little things i can't pay attention to because i feel i'm so busy. all the people i'm neglecting. and then it just hits one day, that i don't want to be here. at school, at home, here at all. nothing is worth all my energy and sleepless nights. but i can't do anything about it.

and then one tiny thing will push me over the edge, and i've lost it. the point of not being able to function. i can't get up. i can't move. i can't do anything but slightly lose my mind, have an anxiety attack, and cry.

and then i'm relatively ok again.

this week the whole cycle took about two days. and that's what i'm worried about. i'm worried that two days will turn into one day, and then it'll just be one continuous melt down. and you know i'm waiting for it, because i'm quite sure that it's coming. i mean, i can feel it. and it just takes too much energy to fight it.

and i don't know why i write these things on here anymore. but i have a feeling once i stop, i won't be able to do much of anything again.