fade

i don't know what to say. i want to talk, i want to tell you all the thoughts in my head. to just out and say everything i've been pushing away for so long. give voice to my feelings, my fucked up emotions. to just write down without caring, to write without fear.

but i can't.

it's the dilemma of time. one minute i feel one way, i think one way, i am one person. the next minute i'm someone completely different, in thought, in word, in emotion. and both are valid. both are exactly me. in my theory of the person, that every second you are someone else, and that you shouldn't ever put down your past, because it's not you, i should be able to write. write without wanting to take things back, without thinking about consequences of people reading this.

without.

i think sunseri went and told my mom i need a day off after i was in class today, because my mom told me that she thinks it's a good idea if i stay home tomorrow. i was planning on staying home yesterday, and then today, and then tomorrow. but now... it's not on my terms. it's not for me. it doesn't mean anything anymore. it's not a day of rest, a day to catch up on everything that i'm failing to do, a day to myself. it's not any of that anymore. and yet i still can't deal. will i go to school tomorrow? probably. will i feel miserable while there? most definitely, but i should be used to that by now. i should be used to all of this by now.

and it all comes back to where i left off. where i left the life of what should be, what could be, and sank into the life of what is.

and yet, even though i despise hope, and despise dreams, a part of me still wants things to be better. and that's what makes it all the worse.

i can't write anymore. my words are too strained. i need to stop thinking.