loners and republicans and jesus freaks, oh my!

so, it should be about time that i post about this whole ordeal rather than how i'm freaking out so much.

generally... i've had a lot of time to myself. too much, maybe. so much that the first weekend i was here i stayed in my room the whole time, sleeping and just staying under the covers, sometimes crying, sometimes just waiting to sleep. being anti-social, as usual. not the best thing i could do, but it wasn't like i cared at the time... move into a room that's not mine, and yet it is. white walls, new carpet, new desk and bed and dresser, and yet it feels like i'm in some hotel. nothing on the walls, no pictures, no posters, because sometimes i feel like i can't get attached. and yet...

spent that whole weekend thinking. about the past, about where i was then, about where i wanted to go, if i even wanted to get there. if i even had a there in mind. between feeling totally hopeless and completely independent, knowing that i can finally do what i want yet i can't ever do what i want... it just throws you for a loop sometimes. it was the past repeating, but i had a few years to look back on the last time and see what went wrong, if anything went wrong. and i thought that i couldn't go through it again. it's such a contradiction, and yet i keep going. i kept going. things will be better, things will be better, if only for a moment, one blue moment, everything's worth it. and so i get up at 7am and take my shower, wash off the day before and all the feelings that cloud the day, the shadow that clings on me. walk to breakfast, walk to class. listen to one awesome woman in the midst of so many bland stupid men (minus tom, but actors can never be bland). get really excited and then proceed to go through the motions, putting in time. internet and meals and internet and sleep. lather rinse repeat. meet new friends, connect with old ones. half hugs and laughs and going to ihop at 2am. new inside jokes and no one knows who i am... i could be anyone... they don't know where i've been... and it can be kind of refreshing. and at the same time i'm thinking i would be with my friends right now, laughing and joking and the only thing that's different is that they know me. love. friends for social things vs friends i can always count on. then class and class and i should do homework but i won't, i don't care if i fail but i want a 4.0. if i never go anywhere i don't have to spend money for gas, if i eat at the taos i won't spend money on food, more money means more choices for the possible future. books and notebooks and dropping an easy class. waking up to an awesome sounding song on the other side of the wall. emails and talking and being scared and lonely and happy and optimistic and out of it. reading a play and getting so fucked up that i wanted to si after three months free and days of not even thinking about it. waiting it out and waiting it out because i need to, i have to, i want to. another day waking up at 12:30pm and not getting out of bed until 2:30. getting out of old mindsets and opening up to the world. take it in a day at a time and just feel good. it'll come back, that feeling of before, but now is good. starting routine over again and being better, going to tae kwon do (whoda thought) and writing two programs that actually work. easing into the night and laughing with new friends and homework and writing...

the sun is nice. warm. feels so good when i just sit in the sunlight... i'm getting back my emotions, finally. at least i think i am... i must be. my moods are starting to jump back and forth again. i'm getting through though, because i need to, have to, want to. i'm not exactly where i want to be, physically, geographically, and emotionally, but right now i'm feeling ok. getting through a week at a time, the same strategy i used in seventh grade. it works.

things are different. things are weird. things are scary. but i'm going to be here for a while... and maybe more than just a while.

and now i'm ok. make it last. fill every moment with this... peace.

i'm ok...

machinal

and it's never the same, is it? never the same as the time before, everything's just a little different, just a little different as to throw you off, off the edge and then who knows where you'll go, what'll happen... quien sabe... and it's true like the pressing of bodies and the noise and the people, everything's so scattered and misplaced, head swimming like you're drunk when you never even do that sort of thing, for that very reason, and i can't find a bible because i left them all two years ago, all five of them and not one to be found. a bible. people just don't understand. how could they understand? i don't even understand. twelve days and what brings it out? a play. a fucking play. and i cried for understanding, for thinking the same way and wanting to be free just the same... the routines and the monotone voices and the zip zip zipping of everything across your mind... my mind... sometimes it just won't shut up... and no one has a bible... there's a whistling outside my window. it makes everything seem unreal. and i'm dissociating. i gave all my razor blades... stupid girl. i can never stop this. over and over and over and everything just repeats itself. time just repeats itself. and i want to get out but i never can, never can just get out. damn my rules. and no one needs this. god knows i don't need this. god knows. psalm 139 was always my favorite, at least til the end. i can't find the other. it comes and goes... this wave of being. comes and goes. it goes. murder. nothing makes sense. does it ever? love. love makes sense until life gets in the way. too tired to argue with it. it all comes around again. a big circle. that's what time ever is, a great big circle. the same things happen over and over and over. i can't fathom eternity. there is no eternity. there is no future. there was never any future. the present. millions of possible presents. millions of presents. no future. god why don't they just shut up. no one's happy. everyone's happy. what is happy? feeling like you could die... no, that's contentment. death. is this what death is like? i never found out. but it felt so good, it must be. if fire engulfed everything... fire... haven't tried that before oddly... so easy. but everything's so hard. i love the cello... and this song... could have been easier on you, couldn't change though i wanted to. everything's so bright here... and i could just sit in the darkness and watch the moon forever. full moon. i'm tired. i'm... wrong. wrong about so many things. i scare him too much. wrong. i was getting through until last night. and now... i should just let go. let go.

let. go.

'cause you're always running out

oh, oh, oh, the dilemma.

i really like one class. in fact, it's the only class that i actually like. this class is sociology 101.

i really hate one class. i dare say that i hate it more than my uterus, which is a lot. this class is university 150.

i've toyed around with the idea of double majoring. computer science, and physics.

and the result of all this is:

i went to see an advisor to drop univ 150, and mentioned that i would like to see if i could double major and what physics classes if any i could take. she says "go to the physics dept and talk to them". i go, and the next thing i know i'm filling out drop/add slips. no talking about why i want to take physics, or if i can handle it. but there's no phys 213 on mwf, so the only time i can take it is tr at 8:55am. this happens to be the same time as my soc class. to take physics, which the advisor is assuming i'm going to do, i must drop the only class i like, pick up a lab on friday at 12:30, and pick up a history class (east asia since 1600) on mwf right after my cs class.

i have all the slips filled out to do this. but i don't know if i want to do this.

all i know is that i'm dropping univ 150. when i do this, i'll have one class on wednesdays and 12 hours. i need more hours than that, i can't deal with that much free time.

i don't know what to do.

i wanted to start taking physics next semester. i figured that i would be used to everything by second semester, and maybe i'd be able to handle physics better then. i took physics last year, a high school physics class, and barely survived (and that was with daivd explaining things). i already have about the same load as last year (cs and calc being the equivalent of phys and calc). if i get physics, i don't know if i'll just be screwing myself over.

and i really, really, really like sociology. briefly considered majoring in that instead... if i transfer. i didn't even touch that issue with the first advisor. people really don't like to help you around here.

this is a time-sensitive issue. i have to do this today by 3:30 at the latest.

maybe i'm trying to ask for advice on what to do. but i already know the answer i'll get. maybe i just want someone to validate what i want so i won't feel like such a failure when i do it.

i know no one's on. i was just hoping...

bah.

[edit] time more than up... interesting turn of events... [/edit]

send me all your vampires

all i remember is me being so nervous about seeing you again. thinking what would you do, what would happen... i dressed all in black and felt good, good because i knew that you think i'm beautiful, knew that if i felt good i would feel beautiful. and i set off for a night that i knew i'd never want to end.

letting you drive, walking with you, talking, looking at you smiling... it all felt so right. it felt lilke we'd been together for longer than a couple of months, and i felt safe again. safe and sane. driving to the sanctuary in the mountainside, finally relaxing and letting stress go, being at peace in your arms. but underneath it all was always this sadness. sitting in the car after getting back to the parking lot, resting my head on your shoulder because i knew if i looked at you i would start crying. holding your hand and your shoulder, not realizing how fast the minutes ticked by. but nights have to come to an end, and i watched you linger at your car door and i wanted so desperately to fall inside your arms and keep you, but instead i just got in my car and put in the cd and tried not to watch you pull away but i saw you as you waved goodbye and all i could do was just press my hand against the window. driving back home crying, trying to sing along to music with lyrics that were spot on, trying to not forget the way you looked at me when we were both leaving. getting in bed and crying softly, and in the middle of the night waking up and thinking i was in your bed, safe and perfect, wanting you to put your arm around me and calm me down and say that you love me.

but you weren't there.

and i never thought this would ever happen. even in the beginning, i tried to tell myself it was only a summer thing. but then i couldn't wait to hear you, to see you. it all just... happened. what was it... i wasn't expecting you? but everything fit right into place and everything felt so right. and you helped me so much, so much, even if you didn't realize it. you made me feel that i was alive again, alive and happy. i couldn't remember the last time i was truly happy, but with you i was. blue moments. just the little things, the little looks, feeling your hand on my hand, arms around shoulders and waists and tiptoeing to kiss you... finally seeing eyes and the way they twinkle and shine, sharing warmth and coldness and chapstick, subliminal messages and a promise that i never want to break with you, sudden "i love you"s and knowing that it's not just a passing phrase, late night movies and some people just don't understand, don't understand, sharing beliefs and beds and changing my view of myself, losing a piercing and wanting to be washed clean, being healthy for you, and love and love and love...

i always saw you as an amazing person, this best friend of best friends. so beyond what i was used to. so truthful. so real. so... right. and now it's hard to see myself without you, this entity once dubbed "b-stine". and i kept thinking why does life have to get in the way... it never felt like anything else existed when i was with you. and i say i want you to go out and live life, have a good time and meet people, other girls, when really i want you all to myself. i want to be selfish. throw logic out the window.

now if only i could either turn back or speed up time.

i love you babe. i love you infinity plus two, and i'll love you forever. thank you for everything.

the plans i make still have you in them

i just had half a post written down, and safari ate it.

i don't have energy for this anymore.

i can't do this for very long. i'm back to where i was six years ago. worse? right now, where i am right now, yes. last time i was being torn down from a full person, and now i'm already broken. last time, last time. i hate saying that. "back, before i became this". back when life was set and i didn't have these thoughts or feelings, i had regular feelings where i was normally happy normally sad cried when i was hurt or yelled at and that's all, when i was healthy and active and laughed and created and created and created, when i could stand up for myself and wanted to learn everything ever in the world, when i had three best friends and i made friends because everyone knew everyone and everyone's family, and santa fe was a once a month trip that i sometimes got to go on. before when school was free even though i didn't learn anything except how to write cursive and my multiplication tables.

it's all before. then, then, now.

only one person was truly honest to me about college. it's miserable. it's school, you have to start all over, have to pay for everything, and it affects the rest of your life. i'd like to give all those adults who keep telling me "it's different" a piece of my mind.

and i realize i'm a stupid crying little girl for writing this, but if i don't write these things they'll add up and it'll get that much harder for the little number on the left to keep growing.

i don't want this to become another "before". i don't want to cry myself to sleep every night for an entire school year again. i don't want to be so close to the edge that i can feel the razor blade against my wrist and taste the words i'm sorry off my tongue. and i can't stop taking care of myself. no anxiety attacks or not being able to enter a crowded room. no noise in my head that makes me want to scream except i can't. no anger, no anger. and i can't stop writing about this 'cause then i'll just crawl under the covers and stay in my bed all day long.

i had a path to all this, i did. things just get scattered the second time around.

and on

just view it as multiple three-week stretches.

it can't be this hard again.

not again.

those little things

i've spent who knows how long looking through si message boards. they don't help, and i can't even find one that seems like it could...

god why can't i ever talk about this

because no one would care

recent deterrants: driving really fast and slightly reckless, stereo blasting, crying harder than i ever have before

scared me bad

but i still wanted to

still want to

2 months, 23 days

had the urge almost every day

give it a week

i'm too tired not to do it anymore

physics is all in the mind

focus and focus and nothing exists in the world except for what you want. ten billion possible things floating around all at once and all i want to do is look into your eyes again, because i can, because i can finally look into someone's eyes and not shy away, not feel scared or not good enough, the eyes with the green on the edges in a starburst slide into light brown and glimmer even when i know they're looking right back into my eyes. lost in something i never could look at before. i wonder how much i've missed, missed eyes. i don't know, but i don't want to miss them anymore. catch a look and save it for me, save it right there in a picture, save that world so i can go back in my memory and conjure up that reality again. nothing really exists when you think about it, nothing except for us and our thoughts, memories, our ability to change anything and nothing at all. we exist because we say so. create anything you want. maybe that's what epiphanies are. get lost in a forever in a moment, time doesn't even exist.

it all makes so much sense. i understand it, more than people would think.

i've had so many blue moments this summer i can't even count them anymore.

keep it forever.

forever in a moment.

some things are never real

as much as time passes, as much as you're present in the moment, some things just never seem like they should be happening. people let go or grab onto certain things, doing what isn't natural, because why? life happens, and everyone, at one point or another, gets fucked by it.

i'm not ready. but i'd rather go somewhere else and disappear than stay here any longer.

everyone's got their tattoos and piercings. and i just feel like i'm stuck in limbo.

scrap everything, start a new life. it's been done before.

... funny, i finally find a place i could stay and i have to leave that world behind ...

figures.

fall to pieces

weeks and weeks and weeks, days pass by and all of a sudden you realize that things are never going to be the way they were. you spend too much time thinking and opportunities pass, the things that you really want pass.

how ironic.

everything is new and old at the same time. i've been spending my time thinking of the next year and a way to get out of this place forever, seeing as how i feel so much... worse... when i'm in this house. but of course i'm just setting myself up for disappointment yet again.

why don't i just stick to my almost-rules. so far, in the past six years, i've created three (or two, considering which way you look at it) rules. and i've stuck to them, no matter how hard they've been at times. i have to set up base guidelines for myself, or else i wouldn't be here. one, two, three done. four... now that's the near breaking point. the possible four was set up so that i wouldn't have to break one through three. it's ok more than not now, but i don't know what's going to happen in the next months. it's just this thing hovering over me, and it'll never go away, not really. i can't be around you forever. and when i can't drink, when i can't take drugs, when i can't entertain the idea of killing myself, and i can't even cut to get rid of everything, what then? when no one's around for the backup-backup, what then? ... if i can't abuse myself... would i get someone to do it for me... i was edging on that as a backup-backup before. if i couldn't take control over me like i used to, i would let someone else do it. "use me, abuse me, do anything you like".

why do i have to go there. but i do. some things will always seem too good to be true. i've analyzed myself before, over-analyzed. i know why i do what i do. i know that i shouldn't. i know i have irrational thoughts, but sometime irrational thoughts are the most rational ones. i'm aware of all these things, but it's like learning how to live all over again.

the past few days have had the two extremes right after each other, every day. maybe that kind of confusion is what's getting me down. that, and everything else.

i'm not scared, i just don't want to let anyone down.