too tired to live

the physics project is a lost cause. totally and completely. and now i'm seriously considering dropping that class at semester, just because of this shit he's pulling with the projects. they're all a bunch of assholes.

speaking of which, the only way i could possibly get out of calc this quarter would be if i was failing. not gonna happen. i'll die before i fail an asshole's class and fuck up my gpa. so in the meantime, i'm fucked.

i haven't been paying attention in calc or physics for the past two weeks. and now i have no idea where the hell they expect the class to be.

going to colorado state on friday, university of colorado at boulder on saturday. i'm guaranteed nmsu, guaranteed colorado state. berkeley's always up in the air, but i honestly don't care. if i'd have figured this whole calc/physics/colorado state thing out three weeks ago i would've saved my parents the money of registering for the three damn satii's. which reminds me. i have sat's on the 11th.

and yeah, i have no time to be on the net, but there's only so much shit i can put up with in one day. and i'm ready to pass out right now.

three projects hanging in the air. 2-3 tests this week. homework. stupidity, stupidity, stupidity. i would ditch tomorrow if i thought i could miss physics. oh wait, i can miss physics. i don't know what we're doing in that class anyway. but alas, the only way i'm ever getting a mental health day is if i'm in a mental health hospital.

speaking of hospitals, i've had a headache the whole day. hopefully something is terribly wrong with me and i'll die within two months.

and on to my real world issues. i have to get ahold of mr peralta about the state internship thing. i have to update some templates and html, clean up a lot of stupid tags that don't do anything. i have to talk to sunseri about the lab foundation scholarship. i have to get my transcripts for this weekend. i have to clean out my room, organize my things, throw out a bunch of shit, and then start on the house, since i know they're not gonna do it until the day my dad wants to start the work. i have to find some alternative to this medication, cause it's a pain in the ass and i'm not getting any anyway. get my appointments in order for my orthodontist, get my eyes checked again in november so i can change my prescription in my glasses. cut my hair. get a jacket for winter. donate money for aids walk since i can't do it this year. clean out my mind so i don't go insane in the next week.

spend time with alex for her birthday. and kyle. and everyone else.

i'm too tired of this. bah.

i'm on fire

you know, there's a reason i don't go out into the sun. and no, i'm not a vampire. even though that's a really awesome idea.

even with me being so freaked out about the sun, and dying of skin cancer when i'm 20, it didn't stop me from getting a sunburn yesterday. and oh, how much i'm regretting not being freaked out yesterday.

yeah. i don't like that sun.

government project just about done. sociology project almost halfway done. physics project, now that's something else entirely. that i am completely, well, screwed on. but hey what's new.

and now i have to get off and do physics homework.

bah.

ascii is very gooood

after weeks of google searches, i finally find an ascii chart that has what i need. at lyd. in ernie's comments. go figure.

misterjustin.com.

yes, you can find many useful things in ernie's miniblog.

many odd pictures taken last night. i especially like the ones by paula. definitely... artistic.

i have to get myself ready so i can go into santa and do my sociology project. hopefully they won't kick me out of their stores.

countdown to fiesta is on. i think i'm actually going to be able to go later than 7am tomorrow. weird. and i won't have to help out everyone setting up and running errands throughout the day. super weird. now marj has that job. for some reason i don't see her as doing as much as i did in the past years. but you never know. all i have to do this year is work the jail for about two hours and maybe take some pictures.

off.

ascii is gooood

and i just bit my lip again, for the 52nd time this week. bah.

friday. finally. it seemed like this week would never be over. but here it is, and now i'm faced with everything else i have to do this weekend. but today is for jessica, tomorrow for projects, sunday for fiesta, and monday for alex. so.

why can't the colleges i want to go to send me applications? things should be easier. i should just fill out three applications and send them out, and get it over with. best friends seem to be going to college across the country from each other. this shall be quite a new experience.

i think i'm gonna try and start from now to get into the cruces bridge engineering thing, now that i'll be 18. it's awesome money, college credit, and a chance for me to hang out in cruces after i graduate. my mom said she doesn't know if they'll accept me, since i'm not planning on going in state for college, but i don't think it should be that big of a problem.

i was just thinking, thinking about things that i want to do in my life. preferably my near-future life. like go to a yo-yo ma concert, an andrea bocelli opera/concert. go watch cirque du soleil. care more about guitar to practice and play classical. build a house. become a photographer and have work that i'm proud of.

mmm. off to play with my camera.

the blue screen of death

ugh. i had to take out a hard drive from our computer. what a bitch. especially when i have to twist myself around and almost break my hip trying to plug everything back in.

the damn computer froze 3 times on me today. crashed once. failed to boot up once. i swear, i have a love/hate relationship with computers. but usually it's more hate than love.

i've only experienced the blue screen of death once in my life, and it wasn't by my own doing. that was my dad killing the hard drive. but the nice people at dell understand such things, and gave us a new one free of charge (warranties are awesomes).

i'm really close to wiping everything off this damn computer. just keep word, notepad, explorer and aim, and the stuff for the camera. it's that horrid.

we optimized the c drive fully (finally) a little over a week ago. but it seems that getting that damn extra hard drive out of the computer fixed whatever the hell was going wrong. of course i usually speak too soon on these sorts of things. so naturally it'll freeze on me in the next ten minutes.

i preordered the ep. finally. the connextion is really good about getting stuff out on time, so i expect to get it by the 10th or 11th of october.

together, yao and i have exactly two free days to work on the government project: tomorrow and friday. so that is what i will be doing. that and the physics project. and then the sociology project on saturday.

i have no time for my computer to be acting stupid. i put up with enough stupid people and things during the day.

and now i'm bitter again.

days from hell

i have so much to get done between now and exams.

a sociology project. a government project. start of a physics project.

not to mention do all my homework, try and understand calc, limp my way through the physics tests, and not want to kill my teachers.

oh wait. don't we all have some sort of understanding on that last one?

seriously. i shouldn't even be on the net right now, i'm so swamped.

the ep/dvd gets shipped october 8th. which is crap, but it's not like i'm not going to preorder it tonight. i just hope they get the lp out when they say they are.

i really need to drop a class. i have two choices: calc or physics. i hate calc, i like physics. i don't understand calc, i usually do understand physics (amazingly). calc teacher doesn't teach, physics teacher teaches... more than calc teacher. i like physics, and if i understand it well enough then i'd really like to go into something physics related in college. but no, i want to be in computer science or engineering. which requires calc. solution: i'm going to take either class again in college no matter what (calculus really no matter what). i'd rather take physics now than take calc now. it's just the matter of how dropping calc honors will look on my transcripts. apparently colleges don't like that sort of thing. i say fuck it.

of course, i often say that, and don't mean it five minutes later.

no time for life.

senmodnar?

it's weird not having any metal in my mouth.

i'm pretty sure i aced the gov test.

the physics test raped me.

the calc worksheet will rape me.

and i have to study for soc.

i need to be able to UNDERSTAND, damnit.

confusion

i want so much to be able to help you, to be there for you. i want to tell you that you are important. you've always been important. that even though life can feel like it's gonna kill you, you always have people that love you, and you always will. you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

i want so much to tell these things to you, to tell you that i consider you a good friend, and i always have. to tell you that i'll always be there for you if you need me. to say that even if you feel you don't matter to people, you matter to me.

i'm sorry for whatever happened, and i hope you know how i feel now.

life, death, and the meaning behind grief

a couple nights ago i caught the last part of the first episode of carnivàle. it's awesomes. yeah, i'm probably biased since i like nick stahl, but it seems like a really awesome show. oh yeah, and it's on hbo, so if you don't have hbo (i'm still not quite sure why my dad signed up for hbo), you'll have to catch it sometime else.

i'm swamped in homework this weekend. i can't do my soc project since she didn't look at our proposals today, so that's one less thing to do. but i still have to study for gov and physics tests, do the calc worksheet, and figure out how i'm gonna write the english essay (that i have to go in at 7:15 on monday to do). ah, fun.

but i'm taking the rest of the day just to chill.

i've been meaning to write a couple decent posts for about two weeks, but i just haven't gotten around to it yet.

i'm completely pressed for time until quarter exams. and we haven't even started working on drama yet.

i don't know. i feel like i haven't really spent any time with my friends in ages, but it's not like i volunteer to get together with them. i just feel so stressed with school, having to keep a 4.0, getting everything done, not going insane in calc, and then everything with SATs and colleges and that whole mess. maybe i'll get a break the 18th. i hope so. a week of people's birthdays. which reminds me... anyway, the point is i need to get everything done and make some time for me, for my friends. for sanity. i'm off.

i'm ready.

apparently st. mike's is in SANIA fe

ah yes, today was senior ring ceremony. and it was actually really cool, for being mass and all. i got some really nice pictures of people afterward (i only got the backs of people when they were going up to get their rings). i really like my ring too. except for the little fact that they messed it up. not bad, not anything you'd catch if you just glanced at it. but i think everyone knows that santa fe doesn't have an i in it. now that i look at it again, it looks like they just didn't do the "t" impression very well, so it looks like an "i". either way, i'd think that's something you would check, if your expecting to pass them off as "hand made". apparently a lot of other people's rings were messed up too. which sucks, considering how much they probably spent on it. oh well. i'm happy. just have to call josten's and make them fix it.

i should really have come right home after the ceremony and started homework, but i can't pass up a chance to go to burque and eat at olive garden (when olive garden opens in santa i'm gonna go there for everything). so now i'm still procrastinating. and i have to leave at 5:30 to go to calc study session. i have to do calc, read the rest of the book for english, type up my proposal/plan for sociology, do physics homework (which i now realize is two days of physics homework since i didn't do yesterday's) and the lab. and hope i don't fail anything. why am i still typing? i should really start that work.

the ep wasn't up for order today, which means that yes, they did move the date to next week. still ok though. i'm not freaking. i know i'll get it eventually.

other things to talk about, and so on, but i really must get the hell off the net and do my homework.

damn you wee bull

bah. and so today i have to do homework.

i finally started sea salt soaks for my piercings, as it seems that they are not getting better.

i did... a little upkeep on my compsci website yesterday, until my computer froze. twice. things like this make me hate my damn computer.

mbah. have to go start doing work.

website upkeep day

now i have that damn homestarrunner.com song stuck in my head. everybody! everybody! so addictive.

so yeah. today is website upkeep day. it was originally "get off your lazy ass and do all your research for school projects" day, but again, i'm really lazy. and i have a day i can be on the net. and a new digital camera. that can take black and white pictures. and it's awesomes. no, not just awesomes. it's spendiferous. speaking of spendiferous, did i ever put pseudodictionary on my links? i don't think so. so then it's a perfect day for website upkeep day.

i'm thinking my glasses are what's giving me headaches. i remember i jumped a whole -1.0 on my prescription between my glasses and my contacts the last time, and it doesn't seem like that much of a difference, but i know it is. but alas, can't go back to the doctor's to get a new prescription until after october so insurance will pay for it. which reminds me, i have to throw my contacts out today.

now i have only one thing to look forward to this next week: senior rings. which would make me a lot happier if i got to miss calc for it, but the mass/ceremony is after second. at least i get to miss religion and english. i won't get the chance to order the ep until the 18th, it won't ship until the 25th. or, wait. they sometimes ship cds earlier for preorder... did that mean they originally were going to ship them for preorder a week early, so now it's shipping on the 18th? that would be awesome. maybe i can look forward to getting it sooner then. if not, it's still ok.

and now the other thing. the whole i might get my braces off thing. the thing that throws me off with that is the might. they seem pretty enthusiastic every time i go in for an appt, but i also know he can say "let's wait another month". which wouldn't be anything. i mean, i've only had braces for a little less than two years. other people have theirs for much longer than two years. and they haven't really been a bother at all. i mean, my one pound of weight loss was probably contributed to by me not being able to eat certain things (that and me not eating at all. but i've gotten over that. for now). i've never had a problem with them, and any discomfort was easily treated with ibuprofin (i could be on commercials toting the spendiferousness of ibuprofin). i don't know. my braces aren't a really big bad thing with me. of course i was the one who was wanting braces in fifth grade. so i might be biased.

so anyway, i hope i get them off. but if not, hey, it's not the end of the world.

i've been meaning to update my compsci site for about two months now, and i haven't gotten around to it. after i switched my old geocities site to frames, i haven't done anything to it. but i have to get back on that. i have... an angelfire site i use for blog picture hosting, another tripod site i use for... well i don't remember what the hell that site has on it. i should probably look into that. maybe more picture hosting. oh wait, you can't link pictures hosted on tripod. that's why i got angelfire. now i remember. and there's always this blog's template i have to fix.

and i have to figure out what college i want to see more of when we go on our colorado college trip: colorado state (which i hear is just like nmsu, except in colorado), or university of colorado. i'm thinkin of not going to see berkeley until next semester, since we only get two excused absences for college purposes.

too many things.

i have to register for SATIIs, start filling out UC application, do homework for school, and help clean the house for when the work starts.

oh yeah, and start looking for scholarships. i actually should start doing that right now.

staying busy is good, going insane is not. so, internet is my downtime.

my saturday morning post complete, although it still didn't say much of anything at all. oh well. writing something is better than not writing at all. off.

everybody! everybody!

this ibuprofin isn't kicking in fast enough. hurry up and work damnit.

(bad?) news: the shipping of the ep was pushed back a week, which means it'll get here after the 25th. i figure, like usual, they didn't have enough inventory before they put it up for preorder, and now that everyone preordered (everyone except me that is. and i was trying to be courteous) they have to push back the shipping date to fix the mess up. it's still ok though. flickerstick in the next month. new studio music in the next month. apparently they're done with the lp... and is cory getting married??? i mean, i know he can be a crackhead when he writes in the journal (wait... that's dom...), but that's just odd.

<flickerstick rant>
speaking of the only creepy fan-ness that i know (mostly from botr): so i guess rex got divorced, since they talked about him and rayshele being together... unless his wife was somehow cool with it... fletcher, i don't know. married? maybe. he's got a kid with her, so i'd like to think they worked it out after the show. dom, nothing to guess about there. dom's the slut of the band. brandin: no idea. he wasn't with anyone when the show ended (or he wasn't telling...), but you can't really figure out brandin. which makes him all the more awesome. now cory, i'm wondering, did he get back with his girlfriend that he had during the show, or is this someone different (counting on the fact that he's not just playing an internet joke. don't think he is though). now i must say, it's been what, over two years since the show aired? and they stopped shooting months before that. a lot of stuff happened since then, and i have no idea about the guys' personal lives. knowing the personal relationships of a band's members is kinda creepy, but all that i know about the guys anyone who watched botr would know. it just so happened that i liked them better, and have followed them since the show. so yeah. all of this is just me wondering. i'm odd like that.
</flickerstick rant>

so anyway. the half day senior retreat was pointless. it did get me out of english though, i will give it that. but everything else was just... well, pointless. i'd much rather've been in sociology and physics. good thing: i got so far away into the running for class song. apparently someone else requested it too, so i didn't have to give them my cd. now they have to "screen" the songs (take out all inappropriate ones) and then send them to administration. and they'll pick the "acceptable" ones. ...bastards... and then maybe we'll have more than one song to "pick" from. ah false democracy. so sickening. so we didn't talk about anything important like i thought we were going to do (class motto, colors, etc., and senior week). instead it was "getting to know your classmates better". i could rant about what crap that is, but i'll spare you.

i don't think i bombed the calc quiz this morning, which is really odd considering how lost i was yesterday. that class just continues to piss me off. i'm considering dropping it at semester, but i know once i get to semester i'll just want to ride the thing out. stupid stupid girl. at least i'll learn it in college, with whatever science major i'm picking.

my extreme mood swings have been raving lately. i went from being fine, to being a crying wreck, to being fine, to crying, back to being fine again. but who knows, the night is young. i think i've said this before, but just as a reminder: i can go from fine to extremely emotional in a matter of moments. if you haven't seen it happen yet, wait around. it'll come.

in other news, i got my camera today. my dad's opening it now, so i'm off to play.

tomorrow's a better today

i either got a 95 or a 97 on my physics test. which totally rocks. now if only i could do that good on my calc test tomorrow. which reminds me i have to teach myself the whole chapter tonight.

tomorrow is some half day senior retreat, and i think it's just about picking class songs and mottos and stuff. and talking about senior week, 'cause i heard we have something like $3k in our class account. i think they should distribute that money to the seniors... but that's just my idea.

senior songs: i know it's not gonna matter what we think or say tomorrow, since only about 10 people are going to be listened to and pick all the things in the end. but we can still fool ourselves into thinking we matter. the only songs i can think of are

angels or devils - dishwalla
muzzle - smashing pumpkins
so far away - staind (except this is more of a later in life song, but it's still good)

they won't approve muzzle, i know that for sure. angels or devils i have a feeling they won't go for (they wouldn't let people put the drama faces on a shirt 'cause they're "gang signs", anything with any sort of religious tone i don't think they'll go for). i don't know.

i think i just said i'd go in for the calc study session. oy.

yaccs comments are back. hopefully that'll never happen again.

bah. must get back into santa. off.

fuck me

they took the cd off preorder. and that was the one thing that was going to make today ok, preordering the cd.

mental health day

i've been on the verge of tears the entire day.

i don't know how much longer i can do this. no choices. no outs. nothing except for miserable days and nights filled with excrutiating thoughts. and it wouldn't matter if i didn't care. and sometimes i don't. i don't want to care. i want to go back to when i knew myself and my place in the world and was ok with it in my anger. i want to go back to black days and indifference. when i could actually write. when i didn't care if i passed or failed. when i didn't care about following rules. when i didn't care. 'cause what's the point in bothering with all the stupid power trips and all other shit people put me through if i don't even plan on being around for when it supposedly matters.

i can't deal with it anymore.

and i won't be able to deal with it ever.

coming home last night in a fog. i listened to brandin's voice and i was taken into the music again. everything that i ever felt in it just came flooding back. a blue moment. and then i get home and bawl my eyes out. again. and it wasn't the pain. i can handle that. it was everything else that i won't be able to handle. getting through the last year of school. picking a college. leaving everyone i've ever loved. forever. everyone goes off and builds a life, moves on, grows stronger and smarter and better. and my soul just dies in the black days, waiting for my body to give up. all the little things i think of. not being able to control any of it. sure, you can try to direct which way you want to go. what you want to do. and eventually you're your own keeper for everything. but i can't get there right now. i can't see the future. all i can see is now, and right now the tears are rolling down my cheeks. and right now i love a very few people. and right now i want to be in their arms. i want them to understand me. i want to out of this place and i want to be in this place.

pain makes you remember that you're alive. but there's only so much pain you can take before it's not worth it anymore. i'm holding on 'cause i can still feel the life beneath the pain. and i'll hold on for as long as i need to. but one day it just won't be worth it anymore.

i anticipate that day with eagerness and fear.

please don't confuse me any more

and so since when has it said "kristin" in the bylines?

blogger is fucked.

what? huh? of course i don't feel like shit. wait, wha?

this has been my thought process for the day. except for that i didn't use as much sarcasm as usual, 'cause i was feeling so bad. hell i still feel like shit. i could fall asleep now and sleep til morning. mmm sleep.

hypochondria aside (i do not have west nile virus. and it wasn't even me who broght that one up), i got this big fucking bug bite on my ankle on... friday i guess. i didn't really notice it until yesterday though, so it might've been yesterday... anyway, i forgot how allergic i am to bug bites. and it's pretty big. and swollen. but at least it's not red anymore. allergic reaction? i'd like to think so, but i know it's not.

anyway. i was really planning to not be on the net at all this week. but of course once i understand physics, he gives us a really insane problem to do and turn in. and i can't do it. i've worked the problem out the way he told us to. twice. but i keep getting a negative inside a radical. which can't happen. but the answer is supposed to be 52.

and why i didn't notice the answer is 52 and i didn't make some sort of comment about it until now shows me how really fucking out of it i am. you know, since my favorite number is 52. or, at least, it's the first number that ever pops into my head, so i just figure that means it's my favorite.

anyway.

brooks railed on our class today about not doing homework, when me and about 4 other people are the only ones who seem to attempt the homework (since he teaches us how to do the homework the day after it's assigned). i don't know. i'm doing more than fine in that class. and i think i'll do pretty fine on the test on wednesday. but this problem is bugging the shit out of me.

other than that, um, yeah. i have to do gov since i can't do it tomorrow. i really hope i don't feel like this tomorrow. and i already took ibuprofin. shit.

i have to register for the SATIIs this week. and preorder flickerstick's cd. and figure out how i'm gonna get through morning classes without passing out.

how do you program the quadratic formula into your graphing calculator (ti)?

bah. must. stop. rambling.

"also a tender lover."

and now i'm getting antsy for the cd. one more week and then i can ask.

my piercings are doing a whole lot better. which makes me think i might not lose them or have to go to a smaller gauge when i do have to take them out for x-rays. it's been two months, and if i can get them to being healed (or at least appearing to be healed and they don't hurt when things brush against them) in three months, i might get another pair for my birthday. since the tattoo is definitely not happening anytime soon. higher up, like how you usually see helix piercings. that and i think my next july 4th piercing is going to be the last space i have on my lobe. but i have to get it with a gun, and that scares the crap out of me. i haven't been pierced with a gun since i was six, and guns are so bad for you... but it's either pay $20 for a pair with the gun, or $40-$70 with a needle. i would have my aunt do it again, like she did the my last two lobe piercings, but it's gonna be so close to cartilage i don't know if i'd feel safe with her doing it the old ice and cork way. but i have ten months to figure that out. and if i fill up my fallen angel frequent visitor card, i get a free piercing/tattoo. i'm thinking i'll save that for the tattoo.

speaking of piercings: what do you think is the most attractive piercing on 1) you and 2) on the opposite sex? this could potentially tie into a sociology project. which reminds me i have to start working on that.

oh yeah yesterday. so: my dad sold the other computer we had, so we thought it was a good trade to use the money to buy a color printer and a scanner. really super awesome, i'm gonna set them up later today. i got a cell phone (or as my dad likes to say an "electronic marker" so he can keep tabs on me. which is better than an ankle bracelet), and my mom got a new cellphone (so now we have the same ones). it's good, since these phones have better reception for where we live, and it's the flip open kind, so it's like my mom's using a regular phone (you might remember her old school phone was a flip open one. she likes it better. so do i). that and i can set my ring tone to canon. i have to get everyone's number again, since i had them all in my mom's old phone (that we gave alltel when she got this new one).

things to look forward to this week: half day on tuesday, half day for seniors on friday (and i think that retreat is just what we're gonna do for senior week, and i'm thinkin maybe starting to think of class songs and such things. if it's anything like last year though, i'm gonna snap).

things to look forward to next week: we finally get our senior rings on the 18th, and of course the flickerstick cd is available that day.

note to self: do not stay out til midnight for two days in a row. it takes you three days to recuperate. shit, and i didn't even party.

i have to get the whole SAT thing sorted out by the 9th, since that's the last day for regular registration for the october testing date. if i can't change the SATI to the SATIIs, then i'll just take the scheduled SATI (i really want to get a 1300), and register for the SATIIs in november and have them sent straight to UC. but now i'm oddly interested in colorado university at boulder.

i'm trying to post in bulk on weekends, since i don't know if i'll ever get the time to post on weekdays, what with my homework and all. so you might not hear from me again until friday or saturday, depending on if blogger dies again.

tired now. ibuprofin is my new best friend. off.

open your eyes

and so he was right. as much as i hate to admit it, it's getting quite good. go check it out. he likes feedback.

we got new toys today that i'll be playing with tomorrow. tell you about it later. the past two nights just caught up with me, and i feel like shit.

i have to sleep for 12 hours now. off.

seriously

firstly, blogger was being stupid yesterday, so i couldn't post when i wanted to. which really sucks.

second: i know my comments haven't worked in over a week. yaccs' server died, and they had to replace it, which takes time with all the zillion users they have. it's not a huge problem for me, since i've only posted twice or so since then. and guess what? a week after i check and see that haloscan is accepting new signups, they close. which slightly sucks, 'cause i was gonna sign up for an alternate commenting system for when shit like this happens. good news: when i was manic making alex's blog, i signed her up for 3 commenting systems, one of which is no longer in existense, one that she uses (enetation), and haloscan. so for the next few days (hopefully only a few more) i'll use her haloscan account for commenting here.

the net can't find blogspot blogs at the moment. bah.

things like this remind me why i want to change to moveable type.

anyway, on to previous things.

this week started off like shit. first i registered for SATs again on monday, and then find out that i have to take/register for 3 SATIIs by october 30 for UC. (ok, so i knew that i'd have to take at least one SATII, but berkeley's site never gave any concrete info on this subject. that and i have to do this before oct. 30.) this wouldn't have pissed me off so much except that for the huge site berkeley has, it's really hard to find certain information. bitching aside, now i have to figure out how to change my SAT registration for oct 11 so that i take the SATIIs then, and not lose the $28.50 we paid for the SATI registration. which, i realized, i'm pretty fucked on that subject, seeing as how they make you agree to a disclaimer before registering a second time saying that you pretty much don't get the money back if you don't take the test. ah well. if it comes down to it i'll just pay my dad back for the $30 i wasted for not checking UC again before i registered.

monday night i barely ate anything at all, so of course tuesay morning i almost passed out because my blood sugar crashed. i had been really good about actually eating for about four months before this (which is amazing), so this kicked me in the head again that i really have to eat every meal even if the thought of food makes me sick. i really don't want to be diabetic when i'm young. that's the only thing my anticipated hypochondria is raving about lately (i finally got over my mild hypochondria. i got it into my head that i have to stop worrying and do something about it (so much for me and thinking logically)). so for the most part i've been good about my excess sugar intake, and i finally got over my 16 year caffeine addiction. i've been trying to take a lot of vitamin c to help my piercings too. now if i can only get off my ass and get some exercise.

school this week was pretty decent. i actually understand the physics we're doing right now, which is super good since we have a test next week. all in all (except for calc) i'm doing pretty good. i have to start working on quarter projects soon, and reading, and looking at plays for drama. bah. and homework.

highlight of the week: i finally went to zozobra. in all my almost 18 years of life, this year was the first time i actually went. and now it's my new favorite holiday (oh the fire, the pretty pretty fire). while i found it pretty funny that the two big catholic holidays are based on pagan holidays, it's really hilarious how pagan zozobra is (and really fiestas are pretty sketchy if you think about it, the whole spanish "peaceful" re-conquering and all). they can't even start to give any catholic explanation for this one. there was other talk about how zozobra resembles... um... racism and hate crime... but hey, we're just burning a huge puppet! no harm there!

i handled the crowds pretty well, which is odd considering how many people were there. if i'm still home for zozobra next year, i'm totally going.

think i'm getting the cell phone today. my dad really liked the whole pre-paid idea, so we're buying something like $25 worth of minutes for my grandpa to use, upping my mom's minutes to 300, and adding a phone for me and i can share minutes with my mom. now i won't have to worry about running out of gas or getting caught in traffic jams (they're starting tesuque corridor construction this month) and not being able to call someone.

it might not seem like it, but i'm really getting better about not worrying so much.

i've been really good about not pestering my dad for his credit card so i can preorder the ep. i have til the 18th, so it's ok to wait awhile. and i know the connextion will have them in stock, seeing as how that's the only way most all the fans buy flickerstick merch. plus i'm really happy that i can pay my dad back for the cd on the spot, since i still have money left. which reminds me...

oy, apparently after i left the party last night they had a bonfire. and they all didn't get drunk. the one time i anticipate the results of a family party, they end up having a kick ass time. with fire. go figure. that's ok though, i'm sure that there'll be more parties in the future with more than just three of the eight siblings there. next august daniel's getting married (unless some really bad shit happens between now and then). that's sure to be an awesome party.

random thought that isn't really that random: people, if you plan on getting drunk and need someone sober to drive you home, or make sure you don't go kill yourself doing something stupid, or whatever, call me. while i don't enjoy being around drunk people, i'd much rather be around if you happen to need me.

and now i think i've ranted enough to make up for a week of not posting.

the net still can't find any blogspot blogs. bah.

i'm off.