21 june 2003

i want to be a part of something. just like everyone wants to be a part of something. a part of someone. everyone's afraid of being alone. it's reasonable. it's a depressing thing to think that while everyone else has found someone, you're still alone and will always be alone. that's not very reasonable, you say. of course. feelings sometimes aren't reasonable. fear can make people jump to conclusions, follow a line of illogical thinking until they just give up. fear. fear of commitment. fear of rejection. fear of being hurt. fear of being happy. a lot of fears play into loneliness. the fear that i'm not good enough for anyone. the fear that no one wants me. the fear that i'm not pretty enough, or smart enough, or skinny enough, or sane enough. illogical fears that make all the sense in the world. because if you have the fear, that means that you believe it, even if you don't admit it to yourself. and is admitting it to yourself your downfall? believing that yes, no one wants me, and why would they ever want me? i'm not pretty or smart or interesting or anything else that people look for, and i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. does the very fact that you do buy into it guarantee you that you'll always be alone? fears make you change your view of yourself. or in that way does it make your fear become your truth?

logic demands that such fears are illogical. logic states that sooner or later someone will come into your life, and you won't be alone. logic states that there's someone for everyone, and that unless you die right now, you'll find your someone. i don't disagree with that. there is someone for everyone at one point or another in your life. and you might even be fortunate enough to find that someone. but just because you're my someone right now doesn't mean that i'm your someone right now too. you might've already found your someone for this time, and when i do become your someone, you might not be my someone anymore.

very confusing, and also quite logical. so the fear of being alone turns into truth turns into resignment. because, obviously, you can't do anything about being alone. either you've found your someone, but they don't share the same feelings for you, or you have to wait until you become someone else's someone.

so in this logic, you are indeed alone, and you could/will always be alone. so you've proved yourself right. doesn't that just make you feel like killing yourself?

everyone fears being alone. and for good reason. because what's the point of life if you don't have someone to share it with? i don't want to be alone, but what can i do about it? not a damn thing. and because of this, i, quite possibly, will always be alone. fears aside, it's the truth. why? because the future doesn't exist. all that exists is right now. and right now i'm alone. and i've always been alone. that's a fact, it's a truth. and no, i'm not the prettiest, or the smartest. i'm not terribly skinny and i'm not terribly sane. but that shouldn't matter. it's cliché, but people should love you for who you are. they should love every single part of you. they wouldn't see physical imperfections. they would just see your beauty. they would love you unconditionally, embrace your past and cherish your present. they would love you and be with you throughout time.

but alas, what i just described is a soulmate, and the thought of finding my soulmate in this lifetime just made me feel lonelier.