would anyone notice

i woke up out of a dream this morning and it was like my mind just kicked on, and now it won't shut up. i've never had the experience of continuing the experience of a dream into the waking world, but somehow it happened today. it's like, one of those things that is just so, true, that you live out your feelings and situations in a dream. maybe it's because i still can't come out and say it, that i've tried to suppress it for so long and keep this things from imposing attitude on my being, that these things have to come out in my dreams, to keep me sane.

i don't want to write this. so bad that just being here makes me cry. but i know that if i write it in my journal, it will never come out, and i won't have to deal with it. so.

sitting on the floor in class, a house, with all my other classmates. she says something like think on something that will make you cry, and i think hey this'll be one of the easiest things to do. but my mind is going fifty two billion miles an hour in every possible direction. i can't focus on anything, not on happiness or sorrow, indifference or even pain. i try to just stop thinking, to just make all the noise stop, but i can't. i'm being bombarded from every angle by the thoughts that i hate. everything that i don't want to be, don't want to admit to myself. feeling that i'm completely and desparately alone in the middle of a room full of people. i get up and separate myself from everyone else, making it so i'm just as alone physically as i am mentally. i sit down with my back against a wall, holding my knees up to my chest, laying my head on my knees, facing towards the left. and i'm overcome by a wave of tiredness, and loneliness, and desparation to make my mind stop talking. my eyes close and i don't have the will to open them again. and then i hear you coming, out of everyone you're the only one who noticed i was gone. i can't turn towards you, but i know you're there. i can feel that aura that i can always feel when i'm around you, and my mind stops talking, and i feel safe again. and i hear you say, in my mind, like some sort of link like when you just look at someone and can feel what they're thinking, you say i can feel your pain, and not the "i feel your pain" way that's always said, you can literally feel my soul. and then out of nowhere people just come and sit down on either side of me, separating you from me, and they talk and talk but are still oblivious to me. and that's when i started crying.

and i woke up, and started crying.

i had a dream the night before too, it was the end of the world, ending by man, dropping the bomb. but the mushroom cloud and the light that came from it was blue and white light.

all week my mind's been yelling at me, freaking out, refusing to shut up. the only way to mask it is when i drown out the thoughts with music, and even then when the music stops i can hear it again. all the noise. bright lights produce noise. physical contact produces noise. every time you grab me or shake me or throw me off balance or bite me or give me raspberries, all the noise just strangles my mind, and i can't think, and i freak out. it's so hard, to hide the shaking and the confusion and the mental overload. it's getting so hard.

it's all in my mind, everything that i freak about. but that's the problem, it's in my mind. short of going catatonic, i can't seem to make my mind shut up.

the worst part about thinking constantly is that i can't focus on one thing. writing what i want to say becomes near impossible, because i can't keep my mind from touching on every little thought that runs through my mind.

i have to make it stop.