be

so.

today was worse than i was expecting. art is art, changing physics classes threw me for a loop, and creative writing... well that's something completely different.

so completely different that by the time i got to seventh period and creative writing, i was on the verge of tears. and it showed. mainly because i damn near started to cry when i was talking.

not good.

and now i don't know why, apart from the usual cry-for-no-apparent-reason reason. i just started thinking of all the things i could finally say and express, and even though i have that opportunity it still won't matter, and blah blah all the same crap that makes no sense but all the sense in the world.

i formally chastised expectations, dreams, and plans a while ago. why? because not one of them has ever turned out. maybe that's why i've been on an instant gratification binge recently (and what's weirder is that i still have too much control over myself to let myself indulge in instant gratification. go figure).

like, i was planning to have my mom go to ten thousand waves on saturday and use her giftcard, while i went shopping, and then come home and make dinner for her. or, attempt to make dinner for her (it's her birthday. and anniversary next day). but, my grampa's in the hospital, and most likely will be there for a fair amount of time, so i know that won't happen. granted, this was a "cosmic" barrier in the way, but all the same, i made plans and i got burned.

mmm. fire. off.