it's all the same to me

new year's resolution: not have this year be so terrible?

oh wait, that's right, i don't do resolutions. i don't do new year's. come to think of it, i've stopped celebrating or even recognizing any "holiday", save for devil's night through día de los muertos. individual days have lost all meaning for me. if you aren't going to celebrate every single day for the time and experience and life that is present, then why pick out other days to celebrate? of course if i was still religious i would probably have a different outlook, even though christmas and easter are based on pagan celebrations (don't try and tell a good catholic that and expect them to outright understand).

cripes, what the hell was i talking about? bah. i spent last night listening to 3eb blue, and i couldn't remember why i hated that album so much. but then again i've been revisiting a lot of my old cd's that i originally thought were crap and have been pleasantly surprised that i don't dislike them anymore.

i contemplated writing last night (writing on actual paper, a rarity for me anymore), but then realized all i'd be doing is reminiscing about how terrible this last year has been, and then try to compare it to years before, and realize that they were all quite terrible, which reinforces my pessimistic outlook on pretty much everything. i try and remember where i was last january, and i can't. every month that i go though i just find this empty feeling and a sense that i've been walking through life a ghost. which is actually what i predicted a year ago. imagine that.

i've gone through periods of feigned happiness, anxiety over what never is, never was, and never will be, outlandish bouts of sadness for no apparent reason at all, anger and then disappointment at that anger, hope, dreams, expectations, the death of hope, dreams, and expectations. the act of trying to find myself, or feel something, to be in control, through pain. through all the rage of emotions, and confusion, and uncertainty, i've always relied on the thought of certain people to bring me back.

and i can't do that anymore.

years end, years begin, moments pass and time goes swiftly by as you struggle against it. time doesn't care. it's all the same, and to think that one specific day somehow signifies a new beginning full of possibilities is ridiculous. you are the only person that can control your life, no "day" makes you different. it's a mindset, a state of being, an urge to change. if you have that urge today, you've had it the day before, you just choose to formally recognize it because someone, somewhere, has designated today as a "new day" of a "new year". you're still letting someone else be in control. and that's fine if you'll stick with it. that's just fine. just don't be deceived into thinking that today is somehow different from every other day.