sidetracked

ways i have managed to postpone doing my research paper today:

2.5 hours of internet surfing/bad coding this morning

have an urge to use blue fabric to make canopy for bed. succeed in using embroidery hoop to put fabric onto, and then hooking hoop into the vent that's above my bed (vent isn't hooked up to anything). instant bed canopy. too bad i forgot that i'm a little claustrophobic, and that when i wake up in the night i'll think some huge creature is hovering over me.

contemplating taking bed canopy down.

miscellaneous minutes wasted talking about car and car situations. many, many car situations. that and the fact that my dad's a negotiating genius.

2 minutes online at kelley blue book (for my dad). remember that i wanted to look into that duct tape prom contest. do so for approx. 1/2 hour. spend next 45 minutes to 1 hour trying to beat the computer in hooking up headphones to front headphone jack on tower. went to windows newsgroup to look for information to be able to do so.

doyle laughs in my face. i fail miserably. must plug in headphones to back of tower in speaker jack.

waste more time blogging, waiting for dinner time.

which seems to be now.

lifestyle change

and yet still not doing my homework. weekends should be a time of rest.

what? huh? that and i can't think at all right now. i think i can actually feel the thoughts in my head breaking apart and scattering all over. it's quite confusing.

i find it hard that some people can't talk about death. it's just so... evident, that i'd think people would want to talk about it, and make plans, and try and live out their days the best that they can and whatever happens happens.

i've only written in my creative writing journal three times this week. i think my head might explode. and i'm not even trying to teach myself javascript. off.

creepy

yes, i'm procrastinating. with any luck brooks won't be at school tomorrow either, and we won't get bitched out yet again.

anyway.

piercings i have seriously considered getting: eyebrow, labret.

piercings i would like to have: about three more helix piercings, if the healing period wasn't so damn long and the post-piercing so painful. i also just started thinking about a lip ring. except that i hate cbr's.

damn cbr's!

piercings i find really weird: surface piercings, cheek piercings, smileys, lowbrets, industrials.

piercings that creep me out: navel. i find that they look really good if you have a nice belly, but it's just still really creepy to me that you'd get pierced close to vital organs. and i know it's not close, but... it's just creepy.

tongue piercings have the whole dental horror around them, which you can reduce greatly (if not eliminate) by just paying attention to the piercing and not playing with it, and having the right sized jewelry. tongue piercings don't creep me out, i just know that i'll never get it because i don't even want the slightest possibility of fucking up my teeth. there's a lot of money that's been put in my mouth, and i don't want to put any more into it if i don't have to.

i've been surfing bme every single day this week. reading more, just looking. also trying to stay patient with my cartilage piercings. but i've been doing sea salt soaks on them every day again (i actually stopped for about two months. idiot), and they've been seeming... better. that is when i don't wake up and find that i've been sleeping on my side. again, i blame the cbr's for all my problems. note to self: stop blaming inanimate objects for problems resulting from impatience.

crap. i haven't done my physics. off.

captive dreams

apparently it's near impossible to have an original idea anymore. at least one that hasn't already been sold.

enter captive tube rings. my brilliant invention that has already been invented.

i still hate cbr's.

work day

as i have not yet started working on my homework, i will provide you with the requested link: the state of the union drinking game. link stolen from ernie. i found it quite amusing, despite the fact that i don't drink.

about half an hour ago it started snowing. and now it's stopped, and i think the sun is actually showing. but we are supposed to have a big storm later today. or tonight. or something. either way i'm hoping for a snow day. not because i won't have my research paper outline done, because i will, just because i don't want to have to deal with school things tomorrow. and i need much more sleep.

apparently my car wanted to scare me on friday night coming back from brian's, because the check engine light went on. next day? not on. got an oil change anyway, so maybe that was what it was. whatever the reason, i have now decided that the car's name is doyle. and no one will get that, or a lot of my past posts now that i think about it, if they haven't watched the 25th hour.

things i have to do this week: physics test, research paper first draft, other homework, drama rehearsal, and applications. and fafsa. and anything else that comes up. fun. so this shall probably be last post for a week.

and if i do happen to post this week, know that i am procrastinating doing some sort of homework that is vital to my grade.

off.

would anyone notice

i woke up out of a dream this morning and it was like my mind just kicked on, and now it won't shut up. i've never had the experience of continuing the experience of a dream into the waking world, but somehow it happened today. it's like, one of those things that is just so, true, that you live out your feelings and situations in a dream. maybe it's because i still can't come out and say it, that i've tried to suppress it for so long and keep this things from imposing attitude on my being, that these things have to come out in my dreams, to keep me sane.

i don't want to write this. so bad that just being here makes me cry. but i know that if i write it in my journal, it will never come out, and i won't have to deal with it. so.

sitting on the floor in class, a house, with all my other classmates. she says something like think on something that will make you cry, and i think hey this'll be one of the easiest things to do. but my mind is going fifty two billion miles an hour in every possible direction. i can't focus on anything, not on happiness or sorrow, indifference or even pain. i try to just stop thinking, to just make all the noise stop, but i can't. i'm being bombarded from every angle by the thoughts that i hate. everything that i don't want to be, don't want to admit to myself. feeling that i'm completely and desparately alone in the middle of a room full of people. i get up and separate myself from everyone else, making it so i'm just as alone physically as i am mentally. i sit down with my back against a wall, holding my knees up to my chest, laying my head on my knees, facing towards the left. and i'm overcome by a wave of tiredness, and loneliness, and desparation to make my mind stop talking. my eyes close and i don't have the will to open them again. and then i hear you coming, out of everyone you're the only one who noticed i was gone. i can't turn towards you, but i know you're there. i can feel that aura that i can always feel when i'm around you, and my mind stops talking, and i feel safe again. and i hear you say, in my mind, like some sort of link like when you just look at someone and can feel what they're thinking, you say i can feel your pain, and not the "i feel your pain" way that's always said, you can literally feel my soul. and then out of nowhere people just come and sit down on either side of me, separating you from me, and they talk and talk but are still oblivious to me. and that's when i started crying.

and i woke up, and started crying.

i had a dream the night before too, it was the end of the world, ending by man, dropping the bomb. but the mushroom cloud and the light that came from it was blue and white light.

all week my mind's been yelling at me, freaking out, refusing to shut up. the only way to mask it is when i drown out the thoughts with music, and even then when the music stops i can hear it again. all the noise. bright lights produce noise. physical contact produces noise. every time you grab me or shake me or throw me off balance or bite me or give me raspberries, all the noise just strangles my mind, and i can't think, and i freak out. it's so hard, to hide the shaking and the confusion and the mental overload. it's getting so hard.

it's all in my mind, everything that i freak about. but that's the problem, it's in my mind. short of going catatonic, i can't seem to make my mind shut up.

the worst part about thinking constantly is that i can't focus on one thing. writing what i want to say becomes near impossible, because i can't keep my mind from touching on every little thought that runs through my mind.

i have to make it stop.

catch? no catch. catch? no catch.

ah, the neverending dilemma of college. it's just trying to drive me insane.

nmsu: full ride. and it's cruces. and there's possible freebies, what with relatives and all.

berkeley: no ride except for instate tuition. and a possible little scholarship. it's in berkeley. no possible freebies, ever.

the only thing that will make this so much easier is if i were to really like berkeley when i go see it. or really hate it.

i have one week to apply to puget sound, although i'm positive i won't be going there. so why don't i just keep my application fee? ah, that's the question.

i will be more inclined to write something of substance when i no longer have a research paper to do and an average of two hours of physics homework every night.

announcement

drama rehearsals start wednesday after school.

not today.

not tuesday.

wednesday.

this will be a read through.

and now i must email you people.

raised by a cup of coffee

finally got around to checking back with homestarrunner.com, and found that they made four more games in the latest sb email. awesomes.

i wonder if the cd (strong bad sings and other type hits) is around the net for downloading. it has "the cheat is not dead" and "the system is down" on it. i would buy it, but the only things i buy off the net are associated with flickerstick. if i bought everything i wanted to from the homestar runner store, i would spend about $100.

which reminds me, i am going to silk screen a trogdor-related shirt in art this year. or at least i want to. i think he'll be pleased as long as he doesn't have to look at another flickerstick logo.

um... yeah. i really should be doing something productive right now. off.

no. more. code.

word to the wise: do not ask me to do any sort of job or remember to do something when i am busy writing code. i will not remember. i might not even hear you speaking to me. you could try to put a post-it on the computer, but as it is i ignore those regularly. so.

i've spent three hours updating more code on my compsci site. mainly i learned that you can define dl's in css. that and i spent about an hour looking through ascii charts. i seem to have a slight obsession with ascii.

anyway, now my mind is fried and i can't do anything more. i think i can actually feel the blankness inside my head now.

no wonder video games and tv give kids seizures.

oh, oh, oh, the drama

something makes me think i should feel guilty right now, but i don't. something about everything i've been saying and living in the past two weeks keeps me from turning back on myself and making a bfd about things.

oh the irony.

and not so much the irony, because it's not all that ironic. it's just... doyle. damn doyle.

so i backed into kat's car, driven by kelley. don't think it's entirely my fault, since i didn't see her, and blah blah blah, but hey a car's a car and it's not a big deal. so i'll pay for whatever. i just don't want to deal with the expected mary calling and yelling at me. which probably won't happen, it's just a feeling i get from that woman... way too uptight.

anyway.

that's all in the past and out of my mind. my mom told me today that the insurance people are offering (about) $4900 for my car, but we're sure we can get more for it. i mean come on, did you see my grandma car? it was awesomes. and in really really really good condition. with low mileage.

plan: use money insurance will give us to buy two cars, since my dad's is dead.

sidenote: i dislike my brother's car. i disliked it when it was running well. and the car my dad wants to get me is the exact same car. same color and everything. but anyways a car's a car, and it doesn't matter what i drive so long as i can get to school every day, and it's not like i'm buying this car, so it doesn't matter.

i'm very repetitive. usually i mean to be. i find it odd when i don't mean to be repetitive and end up doing it anyway.

we replaced our chimney a while ago, and now it does this thing when the stove gets really hot, the paint or something in the chimney burns and sends off these really horrid fumes. and now they've filled the house. ugh.

i was going to keep writing for another half an hour or so, but these fumes are really getting to me. must. open. more. windows.

life in the form of a bottlecap

things are very confusing.

who's going where, doing what. who is where, doing what they want? wants needs and a reflection of material possessions lost to the abyss. does anyone ever really go anywhere?

life moves on with time but does life actually move. you are where you are every second of every moment of every thought of life. like tires and static friction. physics is all in the mind.

everything is a neverending circle, so if i know my past life, i must also know my future life, while living in this now life. if all these lives combine to form one great being, what's the use of worrying?

and if you feel down, is it because you feel down in a parallel point of existence on the other side of the circle? mood swings not really mood swings, just feelings from situations you don't remember that you're going through.

or maybe you are going through it right now, throwing off your parallel self, which makes them quite confused.

confusion is at times one of the worst feelings in the world. you don't die from the drowning or the burning or the being slammed by a blunt object, you die from the resulting confusion.

think about it.

confused?

thinking leaves you in a state that seems more logical than impulse. impulse is action without thought. there is no inherent logic in impulse. yet, there is logic in every decision that you make, or else you would be too confused to make the decision.

what is the logic in impulse?

a lack of confidence and a non lack of caring lead to missed opportunities. missed opportunities turn into regret. what you regret is your lack of confidence, and your non lack of caring about the wrong things. using logic a little too much.

free write? word association? a well thought out planned piece of prose to pose a question of propriety? it's supposed to be creative. creative! no well planned out piece, hindered by rules and regulations, form and procedure, fear and apprehension, can ever be creative. be creative!

and what the fuck is creativity anyway?

free write!

life is composed of everything you never wanted to go through and some things you've always hoped for. who's to say what comes when and who has who. it just happens. you can plan your life all you want, and might even get lucky once and a while, but you can never predict your future, unless you take great pains to follow along a path that could possibly lead to where you think you're going. murphy's law tends to plague my life just when i start to plan. maybe that's what murphy's law is, life kicking you in the head because you tried to plan. and that always sucks. tricky doyle. and who's to say that what you say won't have it's desired effect on someone else? you won't know until you try it, but by then all other possibilities fly out. fifty two billion universes created from one choice. every choice, for every person, for every moment in time. that's a lot of universes. universi. anyhow, no one wants to be hurt, but if being hurt is the only way to get what your soul feels it needs, then why not just take the chance to get hurt? besides, somewhere in the fifty two billion universi resulting from your choice, you will get exactly what you want. and maybe, when you come around the next time, you'll happen upon that universe.

that would be awesomes if that universe was now.

end!

lack of writing makes kristin a very tongue-tied girl. i still can't articulate my articulations, or make sense of my nonsensical words, or spell for that matter, but at least i took the time out of my schedule (more like procrastinating one last time before i have to really do that essay. really.) to stop thinking and start writing.

wisdom of the day i impart on you children: stop thinking.

the task

i figured, since i don't go anywhere and can't overhear a strangers' conversation (and won't start one on my own), i'd go into a chat room and start a conversation with someone there.

i forgot why i hated chat rooms so much.

the challenge: find one, one, chat room where people are not flaming each other for no reason, aren't talking about drugs, aren't trying to hook up or cyber or see your webcam, basically a chat room where you can have a legitimate conversation.

i found none.

and now i abandon this idea completely. so i have to start a real, face-to-face, conversation with someone i don't know.

fun.

instant gratification

want to hear something funny?

i got my report card yesterday. it says A first quarter, A second quarter, and D for semester in calc. we were laughing about that, but now it says i got a 3.5 and i have to get that fixed monday because i need my transcripts for the lanl scholarship. not that it seemed to have hurt my gpa too badly. oddly.

someone sent my mom a bunch of bluebirds today, for her birthday. we figure shiela and my grandma got in on it, since there's little grey ones with red on them too. they always send her birds.

thought: i find it odd, even though i don't believe in god, i'm still convinced that people exist when they're dead. but of course i've always believed that when you die your soul goes out but still stays around, i just don't believe in a heaven anymore. and i still believe that even though people are dead they can send you birds when you're having a bad day or when it's a special day or stuff like that.

a lot of stuff going on lately. a lot of chaos in life and confronting things you'd rather keep procrastinating about.

that at the same time that i'm still stuck so much into letting assignments and rules and stupidity get to me, i've changed, mentally. and i think i still am. the kind of change that no one else could see (because although, in theory, my soul should be a lot lighter and my outlook more serene, i still find that i'm still down and agitated about things). but the point is that i really like this frame of mind i'm getting into, even if it does come and go with my emotions, as so many other things have done. maybe one day i'll be able to tell you all about it, and maybe a few of you will actually be able to understand me.

sometimes we wish that our lives could be like that of people we see on tv or the movies, that kind of idealistic situation (guy/girl finds girl/guy, get into the perfect college, gain a friend from a previous enemy, the perfect job, all that kind of chic flick stuff). but then we overlook our real life, the real beautiful things that fill our lives. the people that mean so much to us, a hug, a look that makes us feel completely safe and perfect in the moment. the moments thoughout the day that give us a look into the universe and what it means to be alive. love, sorrow, anger, happiness, surprise, the fact that we can feel all these emotions so purely, and that you can feel your soul. a sunset or a night sky full of stars. a bird, a butterfly, a cloud, a baby, the moon, a symbol that means something to only you, something that gives you a pure shot of the moment. there are so many things in your life that are awesome.

recognize them when they happen, and realize that you don't have to be in a movie in order to feel right.

tell me everything will be alright

step one: i really like the new 3eb cd (out of the vein). when they first announced that they were releasing a new album, i was a little hesitant, given that i didn't really like blue. at all. but then last week i got on a 3eb kick and listened to blue over and over and decided it wasn't nearly as horrible as i first thought. anyway, pleasantly surprised with out of the vein.

step two: remind me that i have to go read more about the creative commons license.

step three: this week totally kicked me while i was down. i would say that things will get better, but they won't. i just have to really let things go and not care so much about my gpa, or else calc and english are going to drive me insane.

step four: i never get out, but having the option to do so is really liberating. i just found this the past two days without my car. again, if i lived in town this wouldn't be an issue, but things are things, and here i am.

step five: the yoga class i was planning on signing up for is closed. so.

step six: if my grandpa dies, my gram will definitely lose her mind. and so comes the downfall of my dad's entire family.

step seven: i've said i dislike our school before, but now it's getting to be really ridiculous. maybe it's just that i'm less naive now that i'm older. or maybe it is just administration.

step eight: mod podge rocks.

step nine: for the past two months my mother has been commenting about how she things things are (physically) wrong with me. that i have some sort of something wrong with me.

step ten: it only took her close to five years to finally recognize that i wasn't just making things up when i was telling her things were wrong (physically) with me.

step eleven: these facts make no difference whatsoever. i have a feeling no doctor will take me seriously until i come into the emergency room dying of some something, and they have to do tests on me and find that i am sick.

step twelve: i am not a hypochondriac.

step thirteen: come to think of it, no one believes me when i say i feel sick.

step fourteen: i still have this weird belief that i'm going to die in the next few years.

step fifteen: when the next few years go by and i am not dead, i will oddly be saddened.

step sixteen: i'm fairly sure that my creative writing class thinks i'm unstable.

step seventeen: they're not entirely wrong.

you like the taste of danger

i have a funny intuition.

funny in the bringer of evil kind of way.

i was feeling so crappy the end of the day that i let my mother drive us home from school. i never do that mostly because if i'm in my car, i prefer to be the one that drives it. that and it's really freaky to be the passenger in your car. it's just... wrong. anyway, ever since last last november whenever i drive with my mom i always try and not think about how i would drive (i'm a backseat driver, just in my head). so i had this feeling today, like that day back two novembers ago, the feeling that there would be some sort of drama involving the car.

and oh, i was right again. my mom just called about ten minutes ago saying that she got in an accident coming back from the hospital. and totalled my car.

the funny thing is, it didn't phase me at all. i mean sure i like my car, but it's just a car. i have no real attachment to it because it doesn't matter. conflict definitely arises from this, my dad's truck died a few days ago, so he's been using my mom's van. my brother is using his car. we don't really have the money to get any car fixed, or get a used one.

but i get no anxiety from this news. which is weird considering how much i've been known to freak over little stuff. i think it's because of my extreme tiredness, the fact that i'm consciously choosing to not do my calc or physics homework, the fact that right now none of that stuff really matters. all i can really focus on now is sleep, but i have to wait on that until later.

i don't know. i just thought it was odd that i have some sort of intuition thing associated with bad news.

edit: apparently not totalled, just the front bumper. still be a while to get it fixed, but not as bad as first thought. we think.

i can read english bueno

blog found by kyle:

skinned rabbit

happy hunting all.

be

so.

today was worse than i was expecting. art is art, changing physics classes threw me for a loop, and creative writing... well that's something completely different.

so completely different that by the time i got to seventh period and creative writing, i was on the verge of tears. and it showed. mainly because i damn near started to cry when i was talking.

not good.

and now i don't know why, apart from the usual cry-for-no-apparent-reason reason. i just started thinking of all the things i could finally say and express, and even though i have that opportunity it still won't matter, and blah blah all the same crap that makes no sense but all the sense in the world.

i formally chastised expectations, dreams, and plans a while ago. why? because not one of them has ever turned out. maybe that's why i've been on an instant gratification binge recently (and what's weirder is that i still have too much control over myself to let myself indulge in instant gratification. go figure).

like, i was planning to have my mom go to ten thousand waves on saturday and use her giftcard, while i went shopping, and then come home and make dinner for her. or, attempt to make dinner for her (it's her birthday. and anniversary next day). but, my grampa's in the hospital, and most likely will be there for a fair amount of time, so i know that won't happen. granted, this was a "cosmic" barrier in the way, but all the same, i made plans and i got burned.

mmm. fire. off.

21 june 2003

i want to be a part of something. just like everyone wants to be a part of something. a part of someone. everyone's afraid of being alone. it's reasonable. it's a depressing thing to think that while everyone else has found someone, you're still alone and will always be alone. that's not very reasonable, you say. of course. feelings sometimes aren't reasonable. fear can make people jump to conclusions, follow a line of illogical thinking until they just give up. fear. fear of commitment. fear of rejection. fear of being hurt. fear of being happy. a lot of fears play into loneliness. the fear that i'm not good enough for anyone. the fear that no one wants me. the fear that i'm not pretty enough, or smart enough, or skinny enough, or sane enough. illogical fears that make all the sense in the world. because if you have the fear, that means that you believe it, even if you don't admit it to yourself. and is admitting it to yourself your downfall? believing that yes, no one wants me, and why would they ever want me? i'm not pretty or smart or interesting or anything else that people look for, and i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. does the very fact that you do buy into it guarantee you that you'll always be alone? fears make you change your view of yourself. or in that way does it make your fear become your truth?

logic demands that such fears are illogical. logic states that sooner or later someone will come into your life, and you won't be alone. logic states that there's someone for everyone, and that unless you die right now, you'll find your someone. i don't disagree with that. there is someone for everyone at one point or another in your life. and you might even be fortunate enough to find that someone. but just because you're my someone right now doesn't mean that i'm your someone right now too. you might've already found your someone for this time, and when i do become your someone, you might not be my someone anymore.

very confusing, and also quite logical. so the fear of being alone turns into truth turns into resignment. because, obviously, you can't do anything about being alone. either you've found your someone, but they don't share the same feelings for you, or you have to wait until you become someone else's someone.

so in this logic, you are indeed alone, and you could/will always be alone. so you've proved yourself right. doesn't that just make you feel like killing yourself?

everyone fears being alone. and for good reason. because what's the point of life if you don't have someone to share it with? i don't want to be alone, but what can i do about it? not a damn thing. and because of this, i, quite possibly, will always be alone. fears aside, it's the truth. why? because the future doesn't exist. all that exists is right now. and right now i'm alone. and i've always been alone. that's a fact, it's a truth. and no, i'm not the prettiest, or the smartest. i'm not terribly skinny and i'm not terribly sane. but that shouldn't matter. it's cliché, but people should love you for who you are. they should love every single part of you. they wouldn't see physical imperfections. they would just see your beauty. they would love you unconditionally, embrace your past and cherish your present. they would love you and be with you throughout time.

but alas, what i just described is a soulmate, and the thought of finding my soulmate in this lifetime just made me feel lonelier.

last day of irrational forevers

i'm exhausted, but it's a good feeling right now. tired enough to be able to slip into an abyss and renew my sanity. or lack thereof.

went into santa today for shopping purposes. bought the 3eb cd along with a new journal that hopefully i'll use for creative writing this semester. the only class i wanted this year. mmm. i'm thinking optimistically about this semester. and that scares me. oh well.

step two: amazingly, through a year of sitting in front of my computer for hours on end, i've dropped a size, from 12 to 10. at least, in ck jeans. that just blows my mind. it must be the fact that i have to walk all over school for my classes.

three words:

semi. annual. sale.

of course they didn't have much of anything in my size, so i couldn't stock up like i usually do twice a year. but anyway victoria's secret sales are always worth it. my advice: go now before there's nothing left.

and now i'm totally drained. but i'm supposed to fill out two applications today, and i've been putting them off for a good two or three months, so i guess i have to get on it. eventually.

must find a yoga class i can go to every week so i can unwind.

also contemplating posting some stuff i wrote last june during my insomniac revelations.

also thought of my invention that's gonna make me tons of money. or, might. and no, i didn't re-invent duct tape. although i have an addition onto duct tape also.

off.

until the day i die

the only time i get to hear music that isn't on my cd's is when i watch mtv2 rock/rock countdown. and then it reminds me that i should download some songs.

past few days have been... odd... confusing... tiring...

i need to get out tomorrow.

the end

i just got back from seeing return of the king.

it made me want to cry.

and not in a good way.

it's all the same to me

new year's resolution: not have this year be so terrible?

oh wait, that's right, i don't do resolutions. i don't do new year's. come to think of it, i've stopped celebrating or even recognizing any "holiday", save for devil's night through día de los muertos. individual days have lost all meaning for me. if you aren't going to celebrate every single day for the time and experience and life that is present, then why pick out other days to celebrate? of course if i was still religious i would probably have a different outlook, even though christmas and easter are based on pagan celebrations (don't try and tell a good catholic that and expect them to outright understand).

cripes, what the hell was i talking about? bah. i spent last night listening to 3eb blue, and i couldn't remember why i hated that album so much. but then again i've been revisiting a lot of my old cd's that i originally thought were crap and have been pleasantly surprised that i don't dislike them anymore.

i contemplated writing last night (writing on actual paper, a rarity for me anymore), but then realized all i'd be doing is reminiscing about how terrible this last year has been, and then try to compare it to years before, and realize that they were all quite terrible, which reinforces my pessimistic outlook on pretty much everything. i try and remember where i was last january, and i can't. every month that i go though i just find this empty feeling and a sense that i've been walking through life a ghost. which is actually what i predicted a year ago. imagine that.

i've gone through periods of feigned happiness, anxiety over what never is, never was, and never will be, outlandish bouts of sadness for no apparent reason at all, anger and then disappointment at that anger, hope, dreams, expectations, the death of hope, dreams, and expectations. the act of trying to find myself, or feel something, to be in control, through pain. through all the rage of emotions, and confusion, and uncertainty, i've always relied on the thought of certain people to bring me back.

and i can't do that anymore.

years end, years begin, moments pass and time goes swiftly by as you struggle against it. time doesn't care. it's all the same, and to think that one specific day somehow signifies a new beginning full of possibilities is ridiculous. you are the only person that can control your life, no "day" makes you different. it's a mindset, a state of being, an urge to change. if you have that urge today, you've had it the day before, you just choose to formally recognize it because someone, somewhere, has designated today as a "new day" of a "new year". you're still letting someone else be in control. and that's fine if you'll stick with it. that's just fine. just don't be deceived into thinking that today is somehow different from every other day.