"i want pie!"

do we ever realize how much time we have left in life? in our young age, do we ever take the time to think "this could be the day i die"? people don't like to think about death. it's a haunting thought that everyone knows that they're gonna die, but they put it off thinking they'll live a long, healthy, happy life.

but what if you did die today? how would your death impact the lives of your family, your friends? would it matter? would anyone care?

would you care?

the things that you'd miss. the joys, the sorrows, every little detail that you never noticed, would you regret not taking the time to notice them? every painful thing that happened to your body, every scrape, cut, bruise, burn, broken bone, illness or malady, were you ever thankful that you could feel that pain, because it meant you were still alive?

would you be content that when someone gave your eulogy at your funeral, they'd get it right, or would you regret that no one ever knew who you really were?

would you not have any regrets at all?

every single minute in every day, did you live them how you wanted to? and even if you couldn't live how you wanted, were you content and happy with what you did do with your life?

i've thought about death a lot in the past few years. maybe too much. death doesn't scare me, it never did. i was always puzzled when people would cry at funerals when i was little. i was taught that when people died, they went to heaven, that the point of life was to get into heaven. so why wouldn't people be celebrating that? heaven is a complete paradise, where you get to be with god and jesus, so why wouldn't we celebrate that they got to leave earth and go to paradise?

i never planned to live this long. for some reason, i was always convinced that i'd die before i graduated high school. and now that i'm here, i don't see myself as living past college.

i would think about different ways i could possibly die. i'd think about my funeral. i'd think about how my family would react to it. and it completely repulsed me, because i realized that they wouldn't have any idea of who i was. and then there were times that i thought about what it would be like if i did die when i was born, or if zack hadn't died, and they never thought about having a third child. would my family think about me like how i think about him? it's something to think about, you never even existing.

thinking about death now, does it scare me? no. living scares me a lot more than death could ever scare me. with death, you have regrets about what you didn't get to do or experience during life. there was always the possibility where it could've happened if you'd lived. but to live a full life, and still be miserable, and have regrets... you banked on those possibilities, but they never happened... what then? life scares me.

but what if i died today? what would i miss? regret that i did/didn't do in the past, or didn't get the chance to do in the future?

i would miss alex. everything about her. the conversations we'd have that mean a lot in life, friendship, the future, the present. the conversations we'd have with britt, me sitting on the floor listening to everything, speaking up every once and awhile.

i would miss kyle hugs. his views on life and anything else. the insane blast of energy he brings into a room. i'd regret never having all those conversations that i wanted to with him.

i'd miss the groups of friends i'd have around me at any given party or get-together.

i'd regret never speaking my mind, defending what i believe when The Man puts me down.

i'd regret not doing what i wanted to do because i wanted to avoid a conflict.

i'd regret not saying how i feel.

i'd regret never taking beautiful pictures, being the photographer that i've always wanted to.

i'd regret never being kissed.

i'd regret not getting my tattoo.

i'd miss music. i'd miss flickerstick, and regret that i never got to listen to the new music or see them in concert.

i'd miss never skiing taos again, regret not doing all the double blacks that i would enjoy more now, regret not doing al's run without biffing it every fifth mogul.

i'd regret never taking my own advice and writing my own will and eulogy.

i'd regret never using my talents for something useful.

i'd regret never having the time to build up some decent self-esteem.

i'd regret not being myself at all times.

-- yeah, this was about what happened yesterday, but then again it's been on my mind a lot. i'll try to keep this in mind this year, see how much of a difference it makes.