christmas break has begun

so i think i only have like $13 left... so much for buying presents. oh well.

yesterday i went to see the santa clause 2 with jess. i really liked it. it was cute. and funny. and then this morning (well actually afternoon... i didn't get up till 11am) i watched the wedding planner. very good. then again i really like chick flicks. oooh flicks... like flick... like flickerstick! sorry i haven't eaten anything all day and i think it's catching up to me.

so estevan went to pick up jess at the airport in albuquerque. hopefully with them both here satan will leave me alone and go bother them. or maybe they'll save me and take me into santa. cousins are great for that... letting me disappear and get away from the family. bah... you know i was thinking about this just a while ago... how can i hate my brother? i mean really, how can you hate the person you grew up with, who you're supposed to love? and then he walked into the room and started treating my mom like crap, and i remembered yes, i truly, truly hate him. i would have no problem with him leaving and me never seeing him again in my life. i wouldn't be sad about it at all... frankly i'm pretty sure that if he ever attacks me like he used to, i'd kill him. actually i'm quite sure that i'd be capable of killing him.

woah ok now i'm sure someone out there in the world is sure that i'm insane. but you know, nobody would have ever put up with the shit that he's put me through, that he's put my parents through. for years i put up with the abuse (not so much physical... when i got enough strength around 7yo i'd fight back... and let me tell you i'm a dirty fighter... son of a bitch never saw it coming. more of the everyday verbal abuse that really fucks with your mind... 9 years, every single day.), and then he was leaving to college. best time ever, when i got back home after we left him in california, and it was quiet in the house and i didn't have to put up with any of his shit again. no more yelling, none of the crap that was a daily occurrence in my home when he was around. it was like he never existed, like this was how life was supposed to be.

but then satan comes back. and he treats me exactly the same. the fuck college makes people grow up or change, he's the same racist, sexist, demoralizing, abusive, insensitive jackass that he's ever been.

so my solution to this problem that is satan: stay as far away from him as possible. always. never be around when he's around. when he enters the room, i leave (except when i'm on the computer. this is MY TIME damn it). i stay in my room with my door closed as much as possible when he's walking around the house. i don't think i've acknowledged him talking to me for about 3 years. i don't know... it's just easier when i don't have to worry about what's gonna happen, when the next fight is coming, when he's finally gonna stop bothering with just verbal abuse and move into full-on physical abuse.

i'm done. he knows i hate him. i hope he knows that i'll always hate him, and it's never gonna change.

aw fuck trying to make sense. i'm tired now. this shit is never gonna change until i die.