write your soul down word for word

i feel so damn bitter right now and i don't know why. that and i just wasted a damn good title on this, which will no doubt be a very crappy post.

so my dad finally called the dell tech support people... seems our hardrive is dead. yes, dead. so they're sending us another one very very soon. like next 5 days soon. good thing: better fucking operating system (we bought xp yesterday) and computer that won't freeze on me every 5 minutes. bad thing: i just lost everything i had on that computer. which i guess isn't terribly bad, except i had all my school shit from the past 3 years on that computer, that and other personal writings (things i put on the computer for copywright purposes). and my pictures. i had some really cool pictures saved. SON OF A BITCH i just remembered i had this really cool flickerstick picture on that computer, and i deleted it from my email because hotmail is stupid. goddamn it fuck. deep breath. ok i'm ok to go on now. but damn that stings.

yesterday: shopping in santa. victoria's secret 25-50% off sale. nuf said. that and i got a watch to replace my other dead one. this one is blue... and not as guy-ish as my last one. we did that and... well other stuff i can't remember.

so today i go and pick up alex and brit and bring them to dreamcatcher to see gangs of new york. alex hated it, i'm pretty sure brit hated it (but not as much as alex), and me being the very weird one that likes gore and such-- loved it. i really really liked it. it was worth it for me, even if it did have one of my least favorite actresses in it.

bah. the headache went away, and now i don't feel half as bad as i did before. but... BAH. i need to just write down all of my feelings. everything i think. everything i feel, at every moment that i feel it. just... everything. i got this so i could write what i really feel, and all i do is just sidestep all the shit i really want to say.

bitter bitter bitter. fucking fuck.

i give myself a one week deadline to do it. well, ok one week and 2 days. before i go back to school, i'm gonna do it. and you know nothing will ever be the same again, but i sure as hell won't feel like this fake person anymore. maybe that's what the underlying attraction is... people who can just fucking say it.

fair warning: when january 6 rolls around, whether you hate me or love me, don't fucking rag on me for what happens. just don't fucking do it. thank you.

bah. to clarify. well, i'll do that later.