i really hate committing

so i kinda feel bad that the one of the only reasons i still go to church is to check out all of the hot guys that sometimes come to nambe. i just can't help it. i mean i'm not gonna tell my parents that i really dislike the catholic faith (and oh by the way i'm now an atheist) until i'm well aware that they can't throw me out of the house. so i just go to church now as my weekly routine... i mean it's sorta weird just to stop going when i've been going every sunday (and all other holy days) since i was born. so on sundays i get up, get dressed, and go to church to contemplate life. and as a plus on the first sunday of every month i get to see lee and listen to him sing. mmm.

oh sorry i got distracted there. so yeah so today i was sitting there not listening to fr., and i was looking at this guy i used to go to school with. he's a senior now, and today he brought his baby girl with him to mass. i just found it so funny, last year we were sitting in confirmation class listening to all their bullshit about pre-marital sex and all that, and there he was just sitting there... and we all knew that he was gonna have a kid in a few months. it was really too surreal. i just can't get over how fucked up pojoaque is. i mean, if i was still going there, i am sure that i'd be really messed up... or dead. i would be addicted to drugs, i'd probably would've had a couple of abortions by now, and i'd have absolutely no desire or hope to get out of the state. and it pisses me off. i really really didn't want to leave pojoaque, i didn't have any desire to make myself any better than i was, i was just content to be with all my friends i knew since i was six and go to a school where you didn't even have to show up to get an A. i was totally fine that the kids in my class were doing drugs (and not just a little harmless pot). i was totally fine with the fact that in a couple of years almost none of the girls in my class were going to still be virgins. i was totally fine that most of the kids in my grade couldn't even read at a fourth-grade level. i was completely fine with the fact that we were all going to be majorly fucked up in the immediate future, and for the rest of our lives.

and that makes me worry about them. my 3 best friends and my one frenemy (add that to my dictionary). i'm terrified for them. i wonder if any of them are still virgins... i remember in 1999 the girls were having a contest sort of thing... who could get pregnant and have their baby the closest to the millenium. i never heard who won, but i know we sure had a lot more babies in the community that year. i wonder how many times they've been busted for drugs, how many accidents they've been in because of drunk driving. these last ones especially for my frenemy. his mother an alcoholic, his oldest brother convicted for vehicular homicide after his girlfriend died when he crashed his car into a bridge... because he was drunk. his favorite brother, the one he was closest to, the one who took care of him... the one who died of a drug overdose at 13 years old and left him no hope for his future. he was getting better, he was caring about himself and what became of him, but when pat died when we were in fifth grade... and then his mother came back from rehab, obviously not rehabilitated, he just stopped trying. he turned back into the fucked up kid that everyone knew was gonna go to prison or kill himself. there was a rumor a few years ago that a member of his family was gonna try and get him into st. mike's, but that never happened. and i suppose he's still alive, i haven't heard of a funeral for him or anything. but it just makes me wonder. i wonder how many of them still hate me because i'm a traitor and left them for st. mike's. i wonder if mario and shaun still remember me. i saw alicia summer of 2001 'cause we were in the same drivers ed class in spaña. she was exactly the same, but i realized i was completely different. little to no words were said between us... i regret that. haven't see or talked to her since. i haven't seen mario and shaun since that last day of sixth grade. and i never will. i'll never even try to find them.

it's a vicious cycle. the moment my parents plucked me from everything i ever knew and put me in st. mike's i knew i could never go back. i knew how the order went, hell i lived it. when someone left us for another school (unless they were moving out of state) we totally disowned them. they were dead to us. and if we ever did see them again, they weren't our friends. they never could be, because they left us. i knew that would happen when i left, and so i didn't even fight it. i still don't. if i see someone from pojoaque, i turn the other way and leave. i don't go into places where i know they'll be. and if i am near someone from pojoaque, i keep close to my mother... because no one ever fucked with my mom. she knew almost every parent in the valley, and if you fucked up in front of her, you knew that your parents were going to hear about it. which sucked double time for me, because everyone in the valley knew my family, and were always so ready to attack us if we messed up. i contribute my superior lying skills to that fact.

god, i was such a different kid back then. i can't believe i even survived. damn i didn't think sitting in church would make all that come back to me.

last night i was trying to write, and i just couldn't. i can only write when i'm in that particular state of mind that i hate and love. so i read over all my old stuff, and damn, i had it right all along. stuff i wrote back then, and forgot, i'm feeling like that now. i'm thinking like that now. same words, same phrases even, the same darkness and hatred for the world. and you know what? i didn't cry at all yesterday. that is definitely something to mark on the calendar.

i've rambled enough for today. i always start out with a plan for my rants, and always get off of it and never make any sense. but that's ok, just writing this makes it so much easier.

go hug someone today. or whenever you read this. just get up and hug someone. it really makes a difference. thanks.