revelation long-coming

i actually debated posting this. until i read some other blogs. given my present mood and such, and the fact that i took the time to write this down in the middle of the night, i'm gonna post it.

written approx. 11:30pm, 7 june 2003.

i regret this last year. it was a waste of a year of my life. i know people have been telling me that it's better to regret something i did rather than regret not doing it at all. well that's wrong. it's just wrong. i regret going to LA the beginning of school and i regret going to prom at the end of school. i regret always doing things to make other people happy. it just makes me miserable in the process.

i can't remember one moment this year that i was happy. that i was truly happy. i spent as many nights crying myself to sleep this year as i did in seventh grade. and this year was supposed to be a great year for me. so much for that.

i regret things that i've done. i shouldn't have gone to LA. i shouldn't have gone to prom. i shouldn't have taken the AP test. i shouldn't have ordered a class ring. i shouldn't i shouldn't i shouldn't.

and now i won't.

everything that i shouldn't have done i did because of dreams, hopes. and dreams and hopes are shit. there is no future. there is no reason for hopes and dreams. fake solace is what it is. crap is what it is. everything that i think for the future, that i dream and hope and plan, is all crap. hopes and dreams don't come true. wishes don't come true. life is what you do as you do it. thinking about the future is just kidding yourself. your future doesn't exist, but your past does. my past does exist. and it's not filled with things that i hoped or dreamed for. not one damn thing that i've ever hoped or dreamed for. just a whole lot of regret. hopes and dreams lead to one thing: regret. thinking about the future just leads me to do shit i'll regret, leads me to cry myself to sleep.

i'm not going to do that anymore. i'm not going to put any stock in the future. nothing that i've ever wanted for me will ever happen. that is the present truth, and the present truth means more than any future lies.

all that matters is right now. and right now it's 11:36pm, and i can't fucking get to sleep. just like i haven't been able to sleep for months now. the present truth. i'm sitting on my floor with a notebook on my lap and a pen in my hand. a flashlight so i can see to write so i won't have to turn on a light. i'm still wide awake, with no sign of tiredness anywhere. writing down a revelation. the present truth.

ok. i want the present truth? here it is.

you hate the way you look. you hate the way you feel. you hate that you're liveing in this house. you hate that you have no talent, no path in life. you dislike your family 'cause they'll never accept the real you. you hate that you're alone. you're always alone. and you will always be alone.

you're a fuckup who's never done anything with her life. and you never will. you'll always regret everything you do, 'cause you don't think you should be alive in the first place. difinitive times that you should've died. but you didn't. and you won't. you won't be the first one to die, because you've hoped for it. and that's shit. you're convinced something's wrong with you, something's seriously wrong with you. but they don't give a fuck. five years of past experience, and you know that they don't give a fuck about you.

you're not a hypochondriac, but you're not sick either. you're just messed up. physically, mentally, and emotionally.

you have no hopes for the future. that's good. finally getting some sense back into you. you've accepted your present truth.

you're not going to think about him anymore, are you?

you're not going to think about berkeley, are you?

you're not going to try and change yourself for anyone else, are you?

it's midnight. you're still not gonna fall asleep, but you know that too. good. you have no hope for yourself in the future. that's good. my work here is done.