bah

i don't know what is up with blogger. it didn't publish my last post, so i don't know if it's gonna publish this one. oh well.

so here i am, trying to type quietly because he's still on the couch sleeping. it's almost 1pm, and he's still asleep. damn, i'm not even that bad. but then again we did stay up till midnight watching movies last night. ah well.

so yesterday i got up like at noon and then went to superwalmart. by the time we got home, it was like 5pm, and my aunt brought alex back, so me and him went into spaña to check out some movies. we got the brotherhood of the wolf (which would've been better if it had subtitles and not been dubbed... i could've used chandler to translate the french), the sum of all fears (and since my dad read like all of tom clancy's novels he knew exactly what was going on, and what happens after this book, and so now i'm either going to read all 10 or so books that are in that series or, well, not), and then we got 2 cheech and chong movies. we watched the first 2 last night, since they have to go back today. the cheech and chong ones we'll save for later...

so we did get the hard drive in yesterday, but since i was with my mom all day and my dad was working on my room, we didn't get it put in. maybe tonight. ah, i'm not in that big of a hurry now that it's here. but it is new year's eve, isn't it? oh the possibilities.

so i just went over to chandler's blog a while ago, and it seems that she's quite sick. and that really really really really bites. it seems like everybody's getting sick this christmas break.

hmm... i hope i didn't catch strep from her...

ah, no worries. i'm not going to be my hypochondriac self with this. i have other things to worry about.

my parents have left on separate errands, leaving me here with nothing to do. so naturally i get on the net. i just remembered... i have to get my film developed sometime, and maybe then i'll actually have some pictures of my friends.

ah well i'm out of things to say.

damn i need to go to sleep

so i'm sitting here writing on the blog, and my cousin is sitting on the couch watching jackass. now i have never watched an actual episode of jackass (but i did see the movie), and i think i'm gonna actually go watch it with him here in a second.

so my dad says the new hardrive (shit i don't know how to spell but right now i don't care) will be in tomorrow, which means i get my computer back, which means i get AIM back, which means i can actually talk to my friends again. thank god. oh wait nevermind that last remark. you know i really have to stop saying that.

fuck i'm tired. i just spend the majority of the day trying to control a 15yo boy. fuck that's hard. and my cousin cannot be controlled by any means. so we went to santa, the skate park, target, then the mall where we chilled for an hour looking for bed head for his hair, and then we went and saw catch me if you can. i liked it, even though the dumbasses fucked with the projector and we had a 20 minute wait. but it's alright.

i think i'm gonna sleep till noon again tomorrow. damn i can't believe i still have another week off of school. that's insane. i'm TIRED. hopefully people will be around in the next couple of days so i can get off my ass and do something.

dude i think it's snowing here. well not here exactly but it was snowing when i was driving home from santa.

so i'm going to watch jackass now. now you all have a good night.

mail for you! for me? for you!

so the day has brightened up. jp and alex are here, even though they did bring the little 5yo monster with them. things are looking up.

calling all CHANDLER: i think i'm gonna be in possession of a 15yo cousin for a few days. wanna do something like a movie? yes? no? i would write in spanish but my mom's keyboard is being stupid.

2 more days 'til i get my computer back!!!

that is all.

52

so i'm really going insane here. i made it through a week with these people, and if i stay with them any longer i think i might try to kill them. well, actually just satan. no one would miss satan. well, maybe one person, but that's a completely different thing that i won't mess with right now. not while he has the opportunity to kill me in my sleep.

so someone really has to fucking save me from this shit. i mean, i have a car and $77, but nowhere to go. so i guess i need somewhere to go (hint hint alex save me).

i can't believe i watch tv anymore. just listening to this shit is making me sick. if it isn't scifi, tlc or discovery, the food network, or a movie, i just won't watch it anymore. fucking fuck.

my guitar is dead. my computer is dead. my non-social life is dead because NO ONE is fucking around. i just sit in this house getting worse and worse and worse. goddamn it i hate it when i actually want school to be back. fuck school. BAH.

if only. if only things were different. i think i'm gonna waste all my $77 on temporary self-gratification. i mean, so what if $77 is all i have till the end of may. not like i'm expecting to get that far down the road. i'm thinkin, happy now, fuck the future, and see how it turns out. i mean fuck, i can always just get my g.e.d. and get the fuck out of this hole. i have 2 months on one offer, and i'm sure i can find somewhere else to go if that doesn't pan out.

why i'm writing right now when the only thing i should be doing is sleeping: i'm so fucking bored right now it's not even funny. i'm soooo bored. fucking fuck.

maybe i'll just go see gangs of new york again. that'll kill about 3 hours.

write your soul down word for word

i feel so damn bitter right now and i don't know why. that and i just wasted a damn good title on this, which will no doubt be a very crappy post.

so my dad finally called the dell tech support people... seems our hardrive is dead. yes, dead. so they're sending us another one very very soon. like next 5 days soon. good thing: better fucking operating system (we bought xp yesterday) and computer that won't freeze on me every 5 minutes. bad thing: i just lost everything i had on that computer. which i guess isn't terribly bad, except i had all my school shit from the past 3 years on that computer, that and other personal writings (things i put on the computer for copywright purposes). and my pictures. i had some really cool pictures saved. SON OF A BITCH i just remembered i had this really cool flickerstick picture on that computer, and i deleted it from my email because hotmail is stupid. goddamn it fuck. deep breath. ok i'm ok to go on now. but damn that stings.

yesterday: shopping in santa. victoria's secret 25-50% off sale. nuf said. that and i got a watch to replace my other dead one. this one is blue... and not as guy-ish as my last one. we did that and... well other stuff i can't remember.

so today i go and pick up alex and brit and bring them to dreamcatcher to see gangs of new york. alex hated it, i'm pretty sure brit hated it (but not as much as alex), and me being the very weird one that likes gore and such-- loved it. i really really liked it. it was worth it for me, even if it did have one of my least favorite actresses in it.

bah. the headache went away, and now i don't feel half as bad as i did before. but... BAH. i need to just write down all of my feelings. everything i think. everything i feel, at every moment that i feel it. just... everything. i got this so i could write what i really feel, and all i do is just sidestep all the shit i really want to say.

bitter bitter bitter. fucking fuck.

i give myself a one week deadline to do it. well, ok one week and 2 days. before i go back to school, i'm gonna do it. and you know nothing will ever be the same again, but i sure as hell won't feel like this fake person anymore. maybe that's what the underlying attraction is... people who can just fucking say it.

fair warning: when january 6 rolls around, whether you hate me or love me, don't fucking rag on me for what happens. just don't fucking do it. thank you.

bah. to clarify. well, i'll do that later.

why helLO

i was trying to sound like casey's hello there. if that's how you could type it i think that's how it would be.

guess. who. just. walked. in.

so leaving that as a cliffhanger (not really), i'm on to keep posting. so so so lunch was... good. good considering i was sitting at my gram's thinking "didn't we just do this exact same thing a month ago??". and yes, yes we did. if i was a little child i would be completely terrified to go to my gram's house. but then again i dislike little children. and big family gatherings when it's not my mom's crazy family.

speaking of my mother's crazy family... jp and alex come tomorrow! or at least they're supposed to. i think alex wants to see gangs of new york tomorrow (alex check your email). oh woah i just noticed, that is really confusing. hmm, i would refer to my alex as brigitte, but i don't think she would appreciate that. ah chandler i'll call her the other alias chandler. so CHANDLER wants to see movie. and actually so do i, except that i have to cash my checks i got today from my gram and uncle and such for money. ah that's ok. i would invite daivd kyle etc. etc. etc. but they're all GONE! oh well too bad for them.

so i got 3 shirts from my mom, and i love them. there's a red one in there too, and i think alex will appreciate my mom getting that for me, given that i only wear 3 colors... ever (blue, black, and grey). now i have 2 red shirts to wear. what else what else. got a vanity mirror, um another kitty (that makes 3!), gloves, ooh silver hoop earrings... but now i need to get 2 more pairs so it won't look weird... 2 gold pairs with one silver pair...

christmas is such a weird holiday. it's all "baby jesus' birthday" and i'm like hey, jesus was born in the spring... not on dec. 25. but hey, i get 2 weeks of school off for it, so hooray for pagan turned christian holidays. all the good catholic references today and everything... i was this close to yelling out "stop talking to me about god i'm an atheist damnit!" but of course i restrained myself, given that i don't want to be thrown out of the house just yet.

just watched mixed nuts again... i liked it even though it's not the same when i don't watch it with jp and alex, but i'm pretty sure my parents thought it was terrible. sure, you can watch will & grace, but you find transvestites odd. go figure.

mmm transvestites. mmm frank. ah i really have to link that picture sometime. so anyway my dad got windows xp and is gonna install it on the comatose computer sometime soon, and apparently since this computer is about to die, he's gonna buy another one. or at least he's talking about it. i think it's crap since we still have to get my mom's van fixed, and pay bills, and that morgage (wait don't you spell morgage with a t? like mortgage? i think i'm slowly going insane). anyway there's a lot better things that we can use $1000 on than a computer. but hey it's not like i work to support us so i should shut up.

he is saying he wants to finish our rooms this next week. finally, after 6 years, we might actually get them finished. ah, i really love this house. i'm so grateful for this house. no matter how much i bitch about not being close to my friends, i really, really am fortunate to live here. wow i don't know where that came from. i just keep typing and things come flying out my head.

so so so. so i don't know what else to say. I'M GOING THROUGH FRIENDS WITHDRAWALS! i did this beginning of the summer, i don't see them for 5 days and i start to slowly go insane without their presence. ah well soon school will return and i will see them everyday again.

someone please remind me to register for the ACTs and the SATs. i really need to get that done. i have 3 semesters left before i graduate, and it's starting to really scare the crap out of me. this semester i have to: register and take the ACTs and SATs, apply for job at lanl so i know to start looking for a job if i don't get it, seriously think about what the hell i want to study in college... and try to get an idea of where the hell i want to go, confront my depression issue... and through that confront my friend issue. i have to start really taking care of myself, both physically and mentally. i have to get myself a doctors appt. so i can get off this birth control pill and see what the hell else we can do for my acne. well that and my whole hormones being shot thing (the thing that pisses me off is that my doctor doesn't freaking believe me that me only having one ovary throws off my whole hormonal system, therefore throwing my whole body off, therefore making me feel like complete crap almost every day. i mean, i'm not medical, but i have been living with this body for a while... i think i'd know when something isn't right). oh oh, i'm giving out personal information! my dad just reminded me today "that's good that you have a website, as long as you remember to never give out any personal information". yeah dad sure. i'm so sure some perv is gonna read this and come into ghetto new mexico and try to find me. shit no one knows where the fuck anything is in new mexico, how do you figure someone's gonna try to find me? now the government is a whole different thing. but i've already talked about that. i'm sure they're keeping tabs on all of us, especially on the net. especially after 9/11. so hi governmental dudes reading my blog. hope you're getting paid nicely for this. hope you run across some good porn while you're at it.

so this has turned into a sort of new years resolution thing hasn't it? i never do those, but i think i'm gonna try to stick to this one.

oh oh before i go... the funniest thing happened to me yesterday. my aunt and cousin came over, and my aunt saw me and she said "wow, you've lost weight!". i mean damn that caught me offguard. now i don't think any weight i've lost in the past year has been visible, but my first thought was like "wow, thanks! somebody noticed!" but then i started thinking "wait, are you saying i didn't look good before?!" and that's where i stopped thinking. thinking about weight can only bring trauma, so i prefer to wait a couple years and marvel at myself for losing 2 pounds. but now that i think about it, yeah, i do look like i lost weight. must be from me not eating lunch now, being that i've had no appetite whatsoever for the past couple months or so. no no just kidding. well, the me losing weight from not eating, not the me not being able to eat. i've looked this way since the end of summer.

so now i've gone from being thoughtful about the next year to being totally self-involved. damn i need a life. i'm gonna stop now before it sounds like i'm really self-absorbed.

merry christmas again.

oh i forgot the cliffhanger. it was satan and melissa. bah.

Merry Christmas

meow meow meow! i got a cute little micro-kitty in my stocking! i love kitties.

soooo... last night my brother did a surprising thing and took us out to dinner at el nido in tesuque. gotta love that place. so i got a great dinner and dessert, and to top it off we had not one, but two hot guys waiting on us. my night was good.

i messed up my nail polish pretty bad yesterday, the pretty blue one (one of my 6 pretty blue ones), so they're a little ghetto right now. still i don't think they're that bad that i have to take it off and start again. i figured i couldn't keep my black polish on for christmas (pagan holiday as it is).

i was officially out of money yesterday. i think all i had was like one dollar in coins in my car. oh the day the day.

my cousins rock. my cousin alex is coming tomorrow and staying for like a week, so he's gonna hang with me pretty much the whole time (given that my other cousin just got her tonsils out and i have a car).

ok now my brother is kicking me off. i'll be back later.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!

christmas break has begun

so i think i only have like $13 left... so much for buying presents. oh well.

yesterday i went to see the santa clause 2 with jess. i really liked it. it was cute. and funny. and then this morning (well actually afternoon... i didn't get up till 11am) i watched the wedding planner. very good. then again i really like chick flicks. oooh flicks... like flick... like flickerstick! sorry i haven't eaten anything all day and i think it's catching up to me.

so estevan went to pick up jess at the airport in albuquerque. hopefully with them both here satan will leave me alone and go bother them. or maybe they'll save me and take me into santa. cousins are great for that... letting me disappear and get away from the family. bah... you know i was thinking about this just a while ago... how can i hate my brother? i mean really, how can you hate the person you grew up with, who you're supposed to love? and then he walked into the room and started treating my mom like crap, and i remembered yes, i truly, truly hate him. i would have no problem with him leaving and me never seeing him again in my life. i wouldn't be sad about it at all... frankly i'm pretty sure that if he ever attacks me like he used to, i'd kill him. actually i'm quite sure that i'd be capable of killing him.

woah ok now i'm sure someone out there in the world is sure that i'm insane. but you know, nobody would have ever put up with the shit that he's put me through, that he's put my parents through. for years i put up with the abuse (not so much physical... when i got enough strength around 7yo i'd fight back... and let me tell you i'm a dirty fighter... son of a bitch never saw it coming. more of the everyday verbal abuse that really fucks with your mind... 9 years, every single day.), and then he was leaving to college. best time ever, when i got back home after we left him in california, and it was quiet in the house and i didn't have to put up with any of his shit again. no more yelling, none of the crap that was a daily occurrence in my home when he was around. it was like he never existed, like this was how life was supposed to be.

but then satan comes back. and he treats me exactly the same. the fuck college makes people grow up or change, he's the same racist, sexist, demoralizing, abusive, insensitive jackass that he's ever been.

so my solution to this problem that is satan: stay as far away from him as possible. always. never be around when he's around. when he enters the room, i leave (except when i'm on the computer. this is MY TIME damn it). i stay in my room with my door closed as much as possible when he's walking around the house. i don't think i've acknowledged him talking to me for about 3 years. i don't know... it's just easier when i don't have to worry about what's gonna happen, when the next fight is coming, when he's finally gonna stop bothering with just verbal abuse and move into full-on physical abuse.

i'm done. he knows i hate him. i hope he knows that i'll always hate him, and it's never gonna change.

aw fuck trying to make sense. i'm tired now. this shit is never gonna change until i die.

long time no substance

i was waiting for my compter to be un-broken to post, but since i have no idea when that'll be, i might as well do it now.

so, when we last left off it was sunday. monday i was oddly happy, tuesday i was oddly happy. the only thing that brought me down tuesday was that one: my d-string broke on my guitar (oh how i wish it was the g-string), two: my wrist hurt really really bad and three: satan was still here. other than that, i didn't feel depressed at all. it was really really... odd. but good odd.

wednesday i had religion and art exams. and of course i had to laugh because (to use a phrase of jessica's) i raped the religion exam, and for art all we had to do was clean the room. yeah i know really hard huh. so then, since i had already bought my ticket for the 1pm showing of the Two Towers and didn't want to go alone, me and jess went by villa linda, got her a ticket, went to the cowgirl cafe and ate the biggest lunch i've had in two weeks, speed all the way back to north and watch the movie. it was... good. i mean the special effects and such were really good, but the fact that they put in a whole scene that never happened and DIDN'T EVEN FINISH THE BOOK pissed me off too much to really enjoy it. bah. i don't know if it was just that this time around i felt different because i read the book... or if it really was that horrible. bah. so that was wednesday.

thursday: US history and english 11 AP exams. i'm glad that i had a 95 going into the history exam, because i didn't know two whole pages of it. i hope my method of guessing worked... and english was, well, english. what can i say i hate english and always will, so i have no desire to work hard in that class. i just wrote my essay and was done with it. but i still really want to know what i got on my research paper. anyway after exams i went with david over to discount tires so he could get a new tire (apparently he had a blowout... that really sucks). kyle went too and so we left david's car there, went downtown in kyle's car and walked around in the freezing cold while kyle got a haircut, went back, picked up david's car, and then i went with david and watched cecil b. demented at his house (since my whole goal for the month of december is to avoid satan). on the way to going to school to get my car, we went to kat's and bugged her a while. and then he drove me to my car and i went home. i think i was about to fall asleep when i was driving home... oh well good thing i didn't. so that was what, thursday?

ok now friday. yesterday. yesterday i had trig and guitar exams. raped them both. although i had to use jess' guitar because i still haven't put new strings on mine. so yeah. went home, ate lunch, got on the net to check my email, and then took a 4 hour nap. i was out. totally. went to kat's party at 7:30ish and did that whole thing. there were way too many people there. it was like one person goes into the dark loud room (the one i tried to avoid the whole night) and 5 people come out. insane. alex got me to dance. only for alex would i dance. i don't know... last night was odd. it was exactly like last year, except it was completely different. bah.

so i slept in til like noon today. the electrician dude came again and we finally got the lights in my room done. now all we have to do is finish drywalling it and such and then it'll officially be done. well not exactly done done but as done as it's ever gonna be.

so now i'm extremely bored. it's sad my cousin came in from florida on wednesday... he looks just as bored as me. so people if you are doing anything and would like my company, email me. i would say call me but i'm terrible with phones.

bored bored bored. there's a new him. but i'll talk about that later. now i'm off to eat and then pass out.

must... kill... the racist bastard...

i am in HELL! please please please alex or someone save me from this house. PLEASE!

rip

so my computer's dead. i don't know when it'll get fixed... i think my satan's gonna try and re-install everything on it sometime soon. i will try and post tomorrow at school (or someone's house... hint hint) and tell you everything about this week... my oddly really great 2 days, exams, other worldly experiences, and one movie that really pissed me off.

if you freeze one more time...

so my dad has been trying to fix the computer for the past 2 days. i'm pretty sure that he not only didn't fix it, but he made it worse. i think he deleted some programs that the computer needs to run right. damn thing's frozen on me 4 times already today. i think the best thing to do is take it into santa, have cybermesa totally wipe everything out on it, and start again with XP. but nooo... he only makes it so our lives are more complicated with this computer shit, i mean he never uses this computer, so why should he care??

ah now i'm bitter. and really really tired. i think i was supposed to call jess. obviously that didn't happen. so if you're reading this, sorry. i didn't get the message until this morning, and i couldn't call because my dad was on the fucking computer the whole time.

i just started my english homework before this. and i'm just gonna do a half-assed job of it too. i'm totally done with bothering any more.

fuck now i'm totally pissed off about this computer thing. bah i'm gonna get all my files on disk so when he fucks it up even more i won't be pissed 'cause he lost all my stuff.

oh yeah, and if you didn't know, to read stuff in spoiler mode just highlight it with the mouse. word.

cry like a little baby

ok so last night was... ok well for the sake of people who haven't watched ST:X but don't want it spoiled, i'll write about last night in spoiler mode.

so IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DATA!!!! it was supposed to be riker! riker was supposed to die! damn it everything i read hinted that troi and riker would be split up... "everyone goes their separate ways". but damn it brian had a damn good point to. apparently, in the movie where spock dies, guess who co-wote it? that's right. the vulcan himself. so it should've tipped us off when brent spiner co-wrote this one (wait was it co-wrote? co-directed? co-produced? let me go look at my reference... damn i know i have it somewhere in these startrek magazines... ok so it says "...and the actor gets a screen credit... for creating the story upon which Logan based his screenplay." so yeah. i'm too pressed for time to look more up). so anyway it made perfect sense in that way that he would die. they bring in B-4, a data prototype that dr. soong created, and download all data's memories into him (although i don't think it worked) and so he's the data-replacement i guess. so brent is still there, just in a less-advanced form. but even though brian told me this, and i saw them bring in B-4, i was still hoping it was riker. even toward the end, when i was sure it was gonna be data, i still had a glimmer of hope that it would be riker (not that i don't like frakes' character, i just like spiner's a whole lot more). so bah. and yes, i cried a little. not as much as i was expecting, but enough to say that i cried.

so that's the heartbreaker. matt says he was showing too much emotion, and he had to go... which promptly started us in a discussion on that ("well he could've evolved" "well didn't he still have his emotion chip?" "no his brother lor took it in that next generation episode with the borg" "well maybe he still had it, he just hid it in his ass and took it out then"). i couldn't believe i found people who actually knew what they were talking about. we stayed for about half an hour after the movie ended just talking.

matt's reaction: *clap clap* "well that sucked." my reaction: "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT WAS DATA!" susan's reaction: well she just looked at us like we were all crazy. from what i could tell, brian and ed liked it, but i don't know... personally i think they could've had a lot more detail in it, a lot more analysis and explanation and... depth? to the plot. that sorta disappointed me, since i love memorizing the little details. we all agreed that they should've had brent spiner say the opener.

but ahhh, it was good. it was really good, and i recommend that everyone should see it, if only to see tom hardy's portrayal of shinzon. i think that was worth it.

so enough with startrek. on to real life (but startrek is real life!). so today i got up and watched the first episode of taken and then had my dad record the second one while i got ready to go to burque to pick up satan. that's right... he's back. he's here right now, in his room with melissa. ::shudder:: i really hope they leave soon i want my house back. anyway my life is going to be hell for about a month now, would anyone like to save me?

i don't know today was a really weird day. so today my mom said again that she should take me to a doctor and have me looked at... you know it could be diabetes or anemia. no shit. hasn't she been saying this for two+ years, and saying she's gonna take me to the doctor for two+ years, and it still hasn't happened?? i'm quite sure that i'll never actually see a doctor. i mean never mind that i've been presenting symptoms (of what exactly i don't know) since seventh grade, and never mind that it's getting worse (apparently now i don't have an appetite... prompting my friends to think i'm anorexic). ah well i can't dwell on this. i figure one day i'll pass out in class and they'll have to take me to a doctor. not that we have the money to pay them...

so yeah. i think i've kicked my caffeine addiction. since i haven't been hungry for about 2 weeks (actually looking and eating food makes me feel sick...), i haven't been drinking as much coffee as usual. sorta tapered off each day, and this morning i had none. so one thing off the check list to making myself feel better.

bah. now i'm tired. i don't know what i'm gonna do this next week, but i'm sure it will involve not being home at all when my satan's around.

bah. catch you later.

2 hours and counting

so the day is here. i was gonna go to the 4pm showing, but alas, everyone else was going to the 7pm showing. so i gave in and am now going to the 7. i was smart though and already bought my ticket, so while everybody's waiting in line, i'll just walk right in and pass them all.

ah i love advance purchase.

so that is what i'm doing tonight. the last episode of taken is on tonight too, so i must tape it. and then watch it when it's on again at 9pm. surprisingly i've really gotten into that show. i thought that with all the hype it was getting, it couldn't possibly be anything i would like. and here i am glued to the tv when it comes on. ah i love scifi.

so flickerstick. mazzy star. when flickerstick and mazzy star get together, the product is flickerstick doing a mazzy star cover: fade into you. so go have a listen. it's off the new live cd... which i highly recommend. but then again i highly recommend anything flickerstick.

ok, enough flickerstick linkage. on to the amazing thing: today was oddly really really good. and i haven't cried all week! but i'm quite certain i will tonight when someone dies on ST:X.

live long and prosper.

day turns to night.

i can never look people in the eyes. it just makes me feel so uncomfortable. i don't know what it is. i know people have pointed out to me before that when i talk to people i move my eyes a lot... so as not to look the person i'm talking to in the eyes. i tried what, yesterday, when we were in drama doing a semi-mirror excercise, to look david in the eyes, and i just couldn't. and then when i realized i couldn't look at him in the eyes, i couldn't even look at him. bah. i think this upcoming break will be a time of mini-revelations that help me sort out the past couple of months.

so i was just surfing the blogosphere again and i stumbled upon this blog. i think it's great. plus i like to read blogs when they're fairly new, and follow the blog and see what things come to it.

i'm not making sense anymore.

today was a totally useless day. tomorrow is ST:X. the next day satan will return home.

oh joy.

so i got like 150 questions of the 299 question survey done yesterday before i went to watch taken. i guess i'll finish it tonight.

more actual posts on the way. i promise.

ah the hell of it all

so bah. jess sent me some 200+ question survey, and i'm debating doing it. i have homework that i'm pretty sure she's gonna check, and tomorrow i will have no time for homework, and i know for damn sure i'm not doing homework past 7pm (taken is really a great miniseries). so bah.

situations keep getting weirder and weirder. aaahhh i have no idea what to do, and i can't talk to anybody because no one is ever around.

so we got smashed in religion today, which we knew we would. actually i thought susan would be harsher. but bah, i never want to do that debate again and see that everyone wants to kill me.

anyone want to do my homework for me?

the crow

this brazilian blog has a sick cover picture. i really love it. so go check it out.

i am quite tired of this school shit. freaking private school teachers use their power way too much to make us miserable. and to think it's only tuesday.

bah.

must... watch... taken...

so i've been on the net for like almost 2 hours i think. damn. so yeah all i've been doing is reading some interviews, mainly the flickerstick interview. and now damn i'm tired. spent close to 2 hours working on the html for the countdown box yesterday, although i pretty much copied and pasted it from that "learn html" site. so yeah.

not much to say, although i do think that my hypochondria isn't really hypochondria. i think i really am sick. well actually i know that i really am sick, i just don't go to doctors to get officially diagnosed. no $$ to spend on doctors. who needs them anyway.

speaking of lack of money, my mom is supposed to get her van back on friday. which is good 'cause chris comes on saturday, and i can take my car and spend my whole weekend in santa, without having to worry if my mom needs to use the car. ah that and that little commitment i made the other night. damn wish i hadn't have done that. oh well.

school sucks. i have to get off now and put more wood in the fire (wood burning stove keeps double-wide mansion all nice and toasty... except for my room which is always freezing).

i'm off to eat something, my blood sugar's gonna make me pass out if i don't.

5 days and counting

so i can't wait for friday. the whole storyline with ST:X is just too... too. it's too much to have to wait for. i especially can't wait for the dvd release, since they had to cut 50 minutes of the movie for theater release, which includes wil's scene. but ah, this one is sure gonna be a heartbreaker.

so i get home after buying the startrek nemesis special edition TV Guide (i have to get another one... this one is all torn and messed up... can't keep it for the collection), and read it, and realize that there's only 5 days til the release. then i turn on the tv and who do i see? the naked chef! oh i'm sorry it's not naked chef anymore, it's oliver's twist. anyway seeing jamie made my day that much better. and then if that wasnt' enough... i turn to tnn and see that it's the st:tng show where data creates a daughter, lal. one of my favorite tng episodes ever. it's so great. oh oh here comes the good part i'll be right back. ah one of the best episodes ever. "i'll feel it for both of us... thank you for giving me life." ah priceless priceless. any episode that deals with data is priceless. i think... that brent spiner's character data is the best character of all the startrek series. the possibilities with the character are endless, and brent spiner is phenomenal. ah i could get all trekkie here but i won't... another episode is on.

ah i can't get over this weekend.

i really hate committing

so i kinda feel bad that the one of the only reasons i still go to church is to check out all of the hot guys that sometimes come to nambe. i just can't help it. i mean i'm not gonna tell my parents that i really dislike the catholic faith (and oh by the way i'm now an atheist) until i'm well aware that they can't throw me out of the house. so i just go to church now as my weekly routine... i mean it's sorta weird just to stop going when i've been going every sunday (and all other holy days) since i was born. so on sundays i get up, get dressed, and go to church to contemplate life. and as a plus on the first sunday of every month i get to see lee and listen to him sing. mmm.

oh sorry i got distracted there. so yeah so today i was sitting there not listening to fr., and i was looking at this guy i used to go to school with. he's a senior now, and today he brought his baby girl with him to mass. i just found it so funny, last year we were sitting in confirmation class listening to all their bullshit about pre-marital sex and all that, and there he was just sitting there... and we all knew that he was gonna have a kid in a few months. it was really too surreal. i just can't get over how fucked up pojoaque is. i mean, if i was still going there, i am sure that i'd be really messed up... or dead. i would be addicted to drugs, i'd probably would've had a couple of abortions by now, and i'd have absolutely no desire or hope to get out of the state. and it pisses me off. i really really didn't want to leave pojoaque, i didn't have any desire to make myself any better than i was, i was just content to be with all my friends i knew since i was six and go to a school where you didn't even have to show up to get an A. i was totally fine that the kids in my class were doing drugs (and not just a little harmless pot). i was totally fine with the fact that in a couple of years almost none of the girls in my class were going to still be virgins. i was totally fine that most of the kids in my grade couldn't even read at a fourth-grade level. i was completely fine with the fact that we were all going to be majorly fucked up in the immediate future, and for the rest of our lives.

and that makes me worry about them. my 3 best friends and my one frenemy (add that to my dictionary). i'm terrified for them. i wonder if any of them are still virgins... i remember in 1999 the girls were having a contest sort of thing... who could get pregnant and have their baby the closest to the millenium. i never heard who won, but i know we sure had a lot more babies in the community that year. i wonder how many times they've been busted for drugs, how many accidents they've been in because of drunk driving. these last ones especially for my frenemy. his mother an alcoholic, his oldest brother convicted for vehicular homicide after his girlfriend died when he crashed his car into a bridge... because he was drunk. his favorite brother, the one he was closest to, the one who took care of him... the one who died of a drug overdose at 13 years old and left him no hope for his future. he was getting better, he was caring about himself and what became of him, but when pat died when we were in fifth grade... and then his mother came back from rehab, obviously not rehabilitated, he just stopped trying. he turned back into the fucked up kid that everyone knew was gonna go to prison or kill himself. there was a rumor a few years ago that a member of his family was gonna try and get him into st. mike's, but that never happened. and i suppose he's still alive, i haven't heard of a funeral for him or anything. but it just makes me wonder. i wonder how many of them still hate me because i'm a traitor and left them for st. mike's. i wonder if mario and shaun still remember me. i saw alicia summer of 2001 'cause we were in the same drivers ed class in spaña. she was exactly the same, but i realized i was completely different. little to no words were said between us... i regret that. haven't see or talked to her since. i haven't seen mario and shaun since that last day of sixth grade. and i never will. i'll never even try to find them.

it's a vicious cycle. the moment my parents plucked me from everything i ever knew and put me in st. mike's i knew i could never go back. i knew how the order went, hell i lived it. when someone left us for another school (unless they were moving out of state) we totally disowned them. they were dead to us. and if we ever did see them again, they weren't our friends. they never could be, because they left us. i knew that would happen when i left, and so i didn't even fight it. i still don't. if i see someone from pojoaque, i turn the other way and leave. i don't go into places where i know they'll be. and if i am near someone from pojoaque, i keep close to my mother... because no one ever fucked with my mom. she knew almost every parent in the valley, and if you fucked up in front of her, you knew that your parents were going to hear about it. which sucked double time for me, because everyone in the valley knew my family, and were always so ready to attack us if we messed up. i contribute my superior lying skills to that fact.

god, i was such a different kid back then. i can't believe i even survived. damn i didn't think sitting in church would make all that come back to me.

last night i was trying to write, and i just couldn't. i can only write when i'm in that particular state of mind that i hate and love. so i read over all my old stuff, and damn, i had it right all along. stuff i wrote back then, and forgot, i'm feeling like that now. i'm thinking like that now. same words, same phrases even, the same darkness and hatred for the world. and you know what? i didn't cry at all yesterday. that is definitely something to mark on the calendar.

i've rambled enough for today. i always start out with a plan for my rants, and always get off of it and never make any sense. but that's ok, just writing this makes it so much easier.

go hug someone today. or whenever you read this. just get up and hug someone. it really makes a difference. thanks.

"he was taking prozac... apparently it didn't work."

so ethan embry's character's remarks were the best part of that movie. that and oh my god that chick has a long neck...

so the results of movie day: met up with jess at one, got me another pair of jeans at dillard's (they were on sale), and got... non-lunch. i don't think i'm eating lunch anymore. but that's another post. so there it was, 1:50, and no one to be found. kyle said he was going to the movie with us and maybe bringing daivd, but we didn't see them, and they didn't come into the movie. hope they didn't come and look for us... so anyway we saw "they", and it was, um, lacking. i mean i like creepy weird shit like that but it had nothing. it was lifeless. i could probably take that script and whip it into a kick ass movie, but alas they didn't have me write the script. so yeah i was pretty much only going to see what kind of characters and plot and such was in it... and it did make me think of some things... but the ending totally sucked. not as bad as A.I. sucked, but close. and ethan embry's character was worth it. and now he's gonna be on dragnet... such a far throw out from freakylinks (3rd greatest show in the world to be cancelled). ah freakylinks, how i miss the freakyness. so as for "they": some people say it sucks, and i don't totally disagree with them, but i still liked parts of it because i was looking forward to it. so if you want to see it, go see it, but don't blame me if you think it sucks.

after laughing about that movie, we went and saw "8 crazy nights". priceless. absolutely priceless. surprisingly funny and great. i don't think anybody in the audience was laughing as much as we were... but the laughter was genuine. if you want to go see a good movie, go see 8 crazy nights. i'd even pay to see it again, and i'm a cheap ass so that tells you it's good.

ah movie day. well it got me out of the house and got me to blow $50, but i got a pair of jeans and some nice laughter out of it. this gets me ready for StarTrek X (or StarTrek Nemesis for those who prefer) on dec. 13. and then, what we've all been waiting for... The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers on dec. 18. i just finished reading The Two Towers last weekend, so i'm ready for it.

so i'm tired now. and it's barely 7:30. ah i've been listening to the new cd all day, and it's still wonderful. now i have 3 cds that are pretty much the same except for a couple of songs on each cd, and i love every single one of them. i couldn't just have the epic release of WHTA, i had to have the indie release of it too (and it is really exceptional... but then i'm biased). and i couldn't just have those two, i had to have the live cd too, and since their live shows always kick major ass the cd kicks major ass. it makes me so happy that they've had sold-out shows for (i think) the whole tour. that's why my cousin couldn't get me the live cd in LA... they sold out the roxy. i don't know it's just weird... it's like i have some personal tie to them, and that is definitely something that i don't feel with any other band i listen to. with the other bands it's just for music, for music to alter my moods (i think music does for me what drugs do for others). but with flickerstick it's more... on the level of my soul. the very first time i heard them play "direct line" on BOTR... it was like time stopped. i started shaking, and all i could hear was the music and brandin's voice. brandin's voice just cut right through my soul, and from that moment on i was hooked. i think some of my best emotional experiences have happened in the presence of a flickerstick song. no matter what i'm going through, or what condition my soul is in ("HOW IS YOUR SOUL?"), listening to flickerstick always makes it better... at least for an hour or so (enough for 13 tracks). so on the question of why i like flickerstick so much... that's why. damn just thinking about it... i could write some epic poetry right now, in the state i'm in.

i think i shall.

i haven't cried at all today... maybe things are looking up

movie day

so i'm going to see "they" at south at 1:50pm. if you guys wanna come, then by all means come! if not oh well not like i care i'm just going for ethan embry...

with love we will survive

oh. my. fucking. GOD. it's so amazing. i've died and gone to flickerstick heaven. ah no seeing them live would be flickerstick heaven. aaahhh i've been waiting for this since the end of this summer. and sayings have it that they're gonna be in the studio like in february. i was almost going insane waiting what, 10 days for this live cd? bah it doesn't matter it's here now and all is right with the world.

well actually the world is still pretty crappy but with flickerstick i will survive. mmm "with love we can survive". so true so true. ah for the past week i've just been living off of 3eb and flickerstick lyrics. let me tell you not the best week i've had here, no sir. no sir. should i get into specifics? i think i shall. i mean i know how worse it can get and at this point speaking my mind will not take me there.

so depression sucks. being extremely lonely sucks too. being depressed, extremely lonely, and feeling like you're slipping away from your friends ALL at the SAME TIME sucks even more. bah to clarify... so for the past couple of months i've been getting deeper and deeper into this big ugly monster and my social skills have really declined. a lot. i'm pissy to the few people that i love, and i don't do anything to make up for it. it's not that i don't want to apologize to them, it's just that... i don't see how i can apologize for something i can't control. and sometimes i don't want to apologize or even act nice to him. i just can't stand being around people lately. i just can't stand being around him when i'm feeling like such a failure and he's there to remind me of everything that i love and hate. he's there to remind me why i'm so fucking messed up. and i can't handle it anymore. which just makes it oh so much worse.

ah i didn't clarify at all did i? that and i just threw in another "him" into the mix. ah bah ha that's what people get when they want clarification.

"in the end the dreams you dream were all you ever were"

mmm black

fuck i just remembered i forgot my guitar. and i told myself yesterday not to forget it again. ah oh well not like it's too terribly important.

AAAAAHHHHH it just came in!!!!!!! oh my fucking god now i have to get off and listen to it so SEE YA

fuck reality

that did no fucking good. no fucking good at all. FUCK. bah.

i love my wood

i really love hanging around with all my thespians. they're so great, makes me smile. inside jokes are great too.

so anyway... i've said things have been weird lately. i've said that i don't like that they're weird. i've said that we're falling away from each other. all of which i still hold to. so yesterday was the first step. granted, it felt like hell and i felt horrible horrible horrible, but i couldn't sit there any longer.

i don't know what to do now. bah, like that hasn't been said a gazillion times before. it's been pointed out to me many times that i always say "i don't know" and that i never take a firm stance on most any subject. apparently it's annoying to people. but you know if i said out loud how i really felt, i'd have about 2 friends left, and i'd probably be happier that way.

so on for the semi- vow of silence. i'm damn quiet most of the time, but when i do talk... i don't know nothing comes out right, and when it does i get ripped by somebody who has a different view than me or who wants me to explain my unexplainable feelings. bah if they only read this blog maybe they'd chill on the kristin-hating. bah.

and now i just realized that i did it again. "i don't know". it's amazing how that little phrase can get so many people pissed at me.

so bah. i'm about two steps away from taking the plunge and telling them everything. which will pretty much be an end to our friendship, but what else can i do.

super bah

so i'm sitting here feeling totally crappy: with a headache, feeling really cold and hungry, my neck and back hurt, my contacts are being stupid, i had a major depressing day at school, and my emotions are totally out-of-whack. ah stupid emotions, sometimes i think i liked it better when i had none.

so when did i post last? ah yes saturday. pants and car kit day. so yesterday we took my brother to burque to my aunt and uncle's new house... weirdly i think they live close to mona... and the other thing: ok, i knew they were pretty loaded, but holy shit that house is... damn. i mean, damn. so yeah, that was interesting. and so now he's gone for LESS THAN TWO WEEKS! i have no idea how i'm gonna survive christmas break with him around. it's worse than this stupid shit i've been going through at school.

so that was yesterday. today... i was late getting out to school so i was speeding the whole way. it's been deathly cold out (deathly cold for this time of the month in northern new mexico), and of course i only wear my little excuse for a jacket every day. i get to school and who do i see: everyone except for alex. great. seeing daivd cheered me up though. run to locker. run to homeroom before the bell rings. listen to crazy people while filing nails. go to trig where i realize i didn't finish the stupid homework we had. oh well. screw that. go to guitar in which i have started to dislike that woman. but seeing daniel makes up for stupid teachers. go to religion and look: another stupid project. oh freaking joy. go to art and sit on our collective asses the whole period talking about the usual... drugs sex and rock and roll. seriously you should listen in to some of our conversations. then lunch... ah lunch. the only redeeming quality about lunch is the little remarks daivd and kyle make, and i'm the only one that hears them. priceless. then history, and history always sucks, as it did today. random talking with claire when we're interrupted and sudden depression mode kicks in. are we seeing a trend here? on to english and satan. bah english and it's stupid rules. i like spanish much better. again, random remarks by daivd made class semi-endurable.

oh yeah secret santas. we drew for secret santas at lunch, although i always hate doing secret santas. it's not that it's not fun, because it is, it's just that the little presents i give to my person are always soooo pathetic. and then i end up giving them duct tape and a lighter, so they automatically know it's me. aw fuck it i'm just gonna give him/her duct tape and matches and get it over with.

just fucking great. now i must finally finish research paper to turn in tomorrow.

if anyone knows how to get rid of emotions, the information would be greatly appreciated.