i need someone to talk to

why are people never on AIM when i need to talk to them?

i'm so uncertain. about everything. about the whole internship at state thing. and i have to email salazar about it today, 'cause if i don't, the place will be filled and there's no way i could get in. FUCK! i was so sure about it at school. so sure about it when i was talking to joe about it. so sure. then i tell my mom about it and get shot down. like i always do. every time i mention something that i really want to do i get the "well... " answer and know that it's never gonna happen. once that word comes out of their mouth i know i'm fucked. and it's not like this time it's any business of theirs, except that i'm still a minor. i mean, listen to this:

Santa Fe Community College and New Mexico State University Pre-Engineering Bridge Program
This program will give you:
Summer internships with civil engineering industries
3-week paid Summer Technology Bridge Program
Industry-sponsored tuition and book scholarships
Comprehensive advising
Real and relevant technology work experience and training that will make your resume "stand out"
Preparation to begin work with first-hand experience in new civil engineering areas such as information and telecommunications technology, construction metrology, and "green" technologies

i mean, holy fuck batman. three week internship/class thing at state. getting paid $400 per week. getting 3 hours of college credit. and they're gonna teach us the stuff, it's not like we have to know it going in. and i need to get a job this summer. perfect.

except, not. just thinking about this is getting me pissed off. which makes me even more determined to write The Letter, except now it's gonna take on a tone of revenge. but bah, i don't care right now.

oh yeah, recent newsflash again: my mother is apparently making me go to prom. i say apparently because i learned this from alex. my mom told them that she was gonna make me go to prom. which pisses the hell out of me. i mean, there's a reason i do not want to go to prom. actually there are a handful of reasons, all of which i've told her before when she said i should go to prom. but no, i have to be completely miserable at some stupid dance because she thinks it's a "life experience" that i need to have. fuck that. just because she ditched her prom doesn't mean that i have to pay for it. now things i have to consider: one, getting out of the fucking house that week so she can't find me to make me go. which could happen after The Letter. two, actually planning to go, and having to find a dress (and finding a dress in size 12 is like trying to find a no u-turn sign in española. you won't, and if you do it's got bullet holes in it). not to mention the all too essential "prom date". fucking fuck. three, not being the fucking downer of the night because i'm so miserable about it all. but you know what, i'm not gonna have to worry about that, because it's not going to happen.

just like many things aren't going to happen.

i don't care anymore. i just don't care. so they get pissed off. tough shit. they've never let me be who i am, and chris did the whole "when i'm 18 you can't fucking touch me" thing, so why the fuck can't i?

i need someone to talk to, but you're never there.