yearly revelations

the one good thing about being sleep deprived: when i do lay down, i fall asleep within minutes. which is something that i haven't been able to do in months. but then again there's always that late night revelation thing.

so last night i finally confronted in my head what i've been saying for months. it was between the time that the drill girls got there and later when i was talking to bryan that i realized that they wouldn't notice if i just up and left. i mean, i've felt that way before, it's just that before i was so terrified of being without them that i would just brush it off. but in light of recent revelations, i can't just brush it off anymore.

this is how my friend relationships go: if there's no one else around, kyle pays attention to me. if there's no on else around, daivd pays attention to me. alex always notices me, i do have to say that. you always remember me, but the thought of me gets smaller when steph is around. and i know i bring that on too, but since i'm using these last 40 days to be truthful, i figured i'd just out and say it. the bottom line: for everyone except alex, i'm the safety friend. i'm the one who you know will pay attention to you when all your other friends aren't around. and i get that friends can't devote all their time to one person, i do. i just don't like the feeling that i'm the one you settle for when there isn't anyone more fun around.

i always get this revelation at parties. at school i can ignore it, but whenever i go to parties, i feel like i'm completely invisible. last year at katie's i went and sat in a corner for two hours, and no one noticed i was gone. last night i was sitting in plain view, and the only time people (aside from alex and bryan) noticed that i was still there is when i started talking to them. bah.

i've always been invisible. i was always so quiet, shy. i didn't like interacting with people because people who i didn't know scared me. i didn't see the reason why i had to converse or even be in the presence of someone who i didn't know, and more importantly didn't know or give a shit about me. there's no point to it. i'd rather be all alone in a corner somewhere than be an invisible statue that my parents could show off. or that my friends could ignore, my being the safety friend was all they needed me there for. that's why i'm "antisocial", because if you don't give a fuck about me, why should i care about you? the only person i'm completely comfortable with being around all the time is alex. i never feel the need to get away from her, because i can feel that she cares. i'm never "antisocial" when i'm with alex. it's the same with kyle because i know that he's sincere, but his extreme energy gets to me sometimes, and i just need to have a little break from all that energy. i don't know. i've never really known daivd, and he doesn't really know me. i always want to talk to him, but with him it's always humor, joking, scenarios made up just to get a laugh. i rarely get anything serious from him. and it's not just that that's making that friendship break down, it's the fact that he's a different person with other people. i see it all the time. and the fact that i'm only acquainted with one little personality of him is what's creating the rift. and i'm not even that pissed off about the rift, the eventual break, because how can i get mad at someone that i don't even really know? it's the same thing like how everyone asks me about melissa, do i hate her because of chris? do you like her? are you friends? and my answer is the exact same thing every time... i don't know the girl. i don't know her, so i have no judgement on her. i'm finding that it's the same with him, i don't know him.

and i know this post has slowly turned into a daivd post, but it was on my mind last night when i was at his party, and that's why i post about it now. and really i've been meaning to think this all out for a few months now, i've just been pushing it back, thinking that if i ignore it long enough it'll go away. but that's never the case. and i've figured that out now. i don't know. bryan was the one who really pointed it all out to me last night (although he didn't mean to). it was like last night he was the safety friend too, even though most of the ignoring was because he dumped abby just before that. but we talked a little bit, and now i made my 40 days of truth. one thing talked about: my being an atheist and being afraid to tell my parents. so the second thing done in my 40 days (this post being the first) is The Letter. i figure that i'm never gonna be able to verbally tell them unless i just get majorly pissed, and i know that that's something i'm trying to steer away from. so tomorrow i'm gonna write a letter, and on tuesday (since i'm on retreat that day and she can't find me) i'm gonna give it to my mother. and then run. that's as far as i've planned out, but it's time.

i don't know what's gonna happen in the next week, but i'm glad that i can write it down here, because i know that at least one person understands.