blue duct tape

and so it began. mobile homes: not the best made things in the world.

we went into spaña a couple of hours ago and filled my car up with gas, so now i can actually drive more than 15 miles without worrying that i'm gonna be stranded.

mmm. bah. i'm waiting for someone to get on aim so i can say "hey wanna go see a movie tonight", 'cause although i don't mind seeing movies alone, i feel a lot better if someone's there with me. that and it keeps all the weird people from sitting next to me.

i was just surfing blogs and now i have this to say: if you haven't used your blog since 2001 or 2002, DELETE IT. let someone else get the address they want instead of standing on it with only one post saying "this is my first post". really. if you haven't used your blog in over a year, then you're probably never going to use it. and if you do happen to get blogging again, you can get another blog.

this from a person who posts crap every day.

if i had a life

i was just thinking that i should go see 28 days later at 7:30. but then i remembered that i'd need to get gas if i went into santa fe. that and it's still light out, and i can't wear my contacts today since my eyes are freaking out, so i can't wear my sunglasses to drive, which means i probably can't drive.

thinking of doing a blackout. for the rest of summer. hmmm.

oh fucking fuck

this blows. and, most likely, this next week will majorly suck. and more likely, this next month will majorly suck. reasons: one- alex is leaving the sixth and will be gone for two weeks. the only redeeming thing about hummingbird is that she loves it so much. and if she loves it, then i say it's good. b- kyle's going on vacation sometime this month. not that i've seen him more than once this summer. or talked to him much. it's just good to know he's around so i could harass him if i ever get bored enough. thirdly- new floor fiasco. four- satan. e- it's fucking cold in here, but then it's really fucking hot out there. sixthly- i want my fucking schedule for next year already. fucking fuck i only needed 2 and a half credits to graduate, but no, fucking st. mike's makes you get a full schedule. so i have no idea what the fuck i signed up to take. seven- i don't WANT to take the SATs or ACTs again damnit. if the bastards don't think a 1280 and a 30 is good enough, then fuck em. and i'm not even bothering with SAT IIs. bastards. h- every other emotional/psychological stupidity that i frequently entertain. ninthly- i'm two seconds away from saying fuck college and going to nmsu. ten- I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP.

aw fuck. either writing all this shit down is really helping me, or making me more and more fucked up.

fucking fuck.

rock on

now i have alejandro sanz stuck in my head again. mmm.

so my parents went off to see if they could sell the desks and other big furniture items somewhere else. it's been an hour... they should be home by now.

my dad's taking the week off. we're going into burque mañana and picking up the floor (it's a laminate floor, the snap together kind, like pergo. it's pretty kick ass). we have to move everything in our living room/kitchen out so we can rip out the carpet and put the floor in probably tuesday.

um... they just drove up... and the trailer is empty... this is scaring me just a bit. so much so that i must get off and see what the hell happened (please say they sold them and didn't dump them please please).

bugger off

i just realized where i saw the new blogger layout before. blogskins. i knew it looked familiar.

one month. one whole fucking month. everyone leaves in july. quite sad. now i have even less people to hang out with. ah well jess is supposed to be back very very soon. and she damn well better have pictures of hot foreign guys.

i should make about four more things to sell tomorrow. more chokers, since i've only done one.

cripes. i'm switching back for awhile. i like the darkness, but i'm not really into it at this moment. but who knows how i'll be by the end of next week.

um... holy fuck batman...

now i saw that they switched my old blog over to the new interface a couple of weeks ago. didn't get all that worked up about it 'cause i damn near never use that blog anyway. but now, now it's new blogger worldwide. at least on pyromania. good thing: it's blue! and me likes my blue. good thing: from what i can see, the settings are easier/nicer to use. and it looks like you can have a title bar set on every post... i like the old heading tag myself so i'll probably keep it. thirdly: the whole archives on your main, the one i could never in my life figure out, is now an option. it let's you freakin choose if you want your archives on your main or on another page.

looks like so far they're getting their shit together. now let's see if i still get any of those stupid java publishing errors. and then go to the help page and see that it's broken.

bad thing: it's different! just when i got totally used to everything blogger (except stupid error messages), they change it on me. bad thing: possible errors in the switchover. switch-over. switch. no longer makes any sense in my head.

now that i've ranted about blogger, let me get on to the other thing i've been doing. listening to wil's audblog. road tripping to from LA to tulsa. i can relate to most of the things in his trip from LA to burque, except for one: acoma. yeah, we went and checked out acoma pueblo (from a ways away, didn't want to pay the little tourist fee to actually go up there and check it out). but there's one thing i know you don't do at a pueblo: take pictures. big no no. usually you even try to whip out a camera at a pueblo and you're politely (if not forceably) removed. so yeah. bit of a shock that the security guard let them take pictures. despite the huge sign that says "NO PICTURES" or something of the sort that you pass while going to see acoma.

ranted enough about that. it's just that it shocks the hell out of me.

it also seems that they got in on the end of the fire on tuesday. and then last night it starts up again. and stupid news cuts in on the last ten minutes of law and order. and it was a good law and order too. bah.

yesterday i went back over to sawbones' (fallen angel). they say that yeah, i have enough room to pierce my ears again before i hit cartilage. which means that i'd have my aunt do it again like my last two. but sawbones is so cool, and really helpful (we talked about cartilage piercings and how new mexico is one of the only states where piercing guns aren't illegal), and i'd way rather give my money to him than aware. and i think i really do want a cartilage piercing. so it's this: either next week i go over to my aunt and have her pierce my ears (no cartilage) again, or go to fallen angel and have them pierce my cartilage (and i'm getting both ears done). with my aunt, it's free, and only 3-6 weeks of healing time. with sawbones, it's $90 ($45 per cartilage piercing), and 3-6 months of healing time. so i have to spend the next week figuring out what the hell i'm gonna do. because it's gonna be one of them this summer and the other one next summer, i just have to figure out which one i want done now.

i just can't get over how blue this new interface is.

now i must get off and eat breakfast. or lunch, since it is almost noon. and i must try to get a hold of alex.

me and my arrow

so i'm sitting here listening to this cracked out album that i remember watching when i was very little. huh? wha? nilsson's "the point". did any of your parents ever show you this animated film, or let you listen to the album? maybe it was just because my mom was a bit of a hippie... it's weird that i can remember watching that thing. i remember the story, the songs, the really cracked out visuals and people (the rock man...). i guess that kind of thing wouldn't bother a little kid, especially with my imagination.

even listening to it again now makes me remember how awesome it is. deep stuff. it would rock if our turntable wasn't broken and we could listen to the original instead of the tape recording of it. super cool.

this little wonderful find was due to the fact that my mom's cleaning out our living room. we have to have everything out of it next monday or so so that we can put in the floor (which, you know, makes sense...), so we're finding all this cool old stuff. mostly looking for stuff we (my mom, my aunt, and me) can sell at the mini flea market saturday. i started making stuff on saturday. i'm averaging 3 pieces a day, but who knows if they'll sell.

my satan took my car today. so that means no getting out for me today.

i'm feeling lightheaded again. so i'll be off.

oh. goody.

i awoke this morning again to the wonderful sound of people yelling at each other. another great way to start a week.

so i watched the crow again last night. a really excellent movie. brandon would've been damn proud.

so my brother's car died on saturday. so now we have to put up with that whole deal. i was just surprised as hell to see that he took my mom's van instead of my car in to work today.

fucking fuck.

an unsuccessful day

despite my readiness to head into santa fe and find exactly what i was looking for, i totally neglected to remember that hobby lobby is closed on sundays. and michael's didn't have what i was looking for. damn them. that was 60 miles worth of gas wasted. and to think i could've just stayed online this whole time.

it's quite scary when i'm driving, and can't remember driving for the past two miles, and find that i'm going 70 in a 35 mph construction zone. and the fact that my brakes don't work all that well doesn't help either. if i ever get in a crash, it's probably because my brakes went out. but that's never gonna happen, 'cause i don't get in car accidents. or get tickets. or anything else. and i'm finally getting my full license next month. not that it makes any difference. did you know we're not supposed to drive past midnight? i had no idea until i read the little graduated license thing again recently.

mmm. the crow is on tv in half an hour. and i have nothing to do but sit back and watch it. mmm.

pain relative to thought

the weirdest phrases pop into my head lately.

i have a feeling that i will probably get out of my house and go into santa in the very near future. after lunch probably. not that i eat lunch or anything.

second night in a row of writing. and it's not the best, or the most coherent, but it's writing. again, i don't know if i'll post it, but it's around if i ever decide to. but anyway, it's a good way to fill up my few hours of time in the night when i can't get to sleep.

i finally started making stuff to sell yesterday. now the question is, will anyone buy them? i don't like just making generic stuff. if i have someone that tells me a design or even gives me the beads to use, that's ten billion times better, 'cause i know they'll be happy with it, and buy it. it's guaranteed. but just making a bunch of generic stuff isn't. if no one buys it, i'm left with bracelets and such that no one wants. and i wear less stuff that i make than i used to. bah.

so here's my question: what do you think would sell better, hemp stuff, or those friendship bracelet things?

and sizes. that's the other thing i don't like. having to make everything two sizes, and not knowing if they'll fit people who actually want to buy them. ah the things i have to put into consideration just to get enough money to pay for getting pierced.

more boring and pointless rants. i think for once this week there are no clouds in the sky. hmmm. i feel lightheaded, so i better go eat something. damn blood sugar.

confused? for once, not really

i don't know what it is about late night revelations. maybe i just think better at night.

thought: what would the world be like if everyone just out and said what they felt about people. would the world be better for it, or worse.

thought: what's the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

ah. my brother was watching made on mtv this morning and even though i wasn't watching it i was aware enough to recognize beautiful when they started playing it as the background music. i always freak when i hear a flickerstick song on tv. it's awesome.

music is awesome.

more screaming matches yesterday. fun. when satan left, there were no fights, no screaming, at all. but once he comes back, there's a minimum of one per day. yeah. now i remember why i repressed most all of my childhood memories.

and with that in mind, i was glad to get out of the house last night. even if i did have to be around a lot of little children.

i wrote something last night when i got home, but i doubt that i'll post it. i mean, yeah, it's what i feel and i'd come out and tell you if you asked, but since you haven't... bah. i guess i'm still in my old mindset how i don't offer information unless it's asked of me.

and now my mind's off somewhere else.

don't you DARE pull me off.

oddness.

last night i went with my parents into burque. we went to lowes and ordered floor. yes, floor. my dad's taking off the week of july 4th and we're putting it in ourselves, just like we did our cabinets. i think my dad's goal (since he doesn't have enough money to build a house) is to make our house not look like a mobile home. so now we have to clean/clear out all the stuff in our kitchen/living room so we can put the floor in that week.

mmm. i have that, a dentist appt., and probably piercing to do that week. busy, and yet not.

i'm tempted to write out my top fifty favorite songs like alex. i'm sure that if i don't find something to do or somewhere to go today i probably will.

speaking of linkage, i found another blog, ethereal thoughts. from what i've read in the archives and such, i really like it. except that it does have a bit of a christian theme. but hey, the poems and songs are still awesome.

and apparently kyle didn't fall off the face of the earth.

i could say more here, but i won't.

reality

the way i know that a cd is really awesome: it makes me cry. i mean, despite the fact that almost anything makes me cry. but still. that's some powerful music.

so i went into santa yesterday, because i had to get the hell out of my house. after staying at alex's for a while, i went to best buy and bought fourteen shades of grey. i know, i said i wouldn't buy it until i got myself together, but i had to. and it's good that i did. there's just something about music... it helps me sort things out in my head. staind is really good at doing that.

i really wanted to write last night. it's just that now there's too much noise in my head to write what i feel. i need to break down. to let go. to stop caring.

it stopped raining. finally. i used to love the rain. now it just makes me depressed. odd.

i'm probably going to need to get out this weekend. my satan finally started his job, so thankfully i have some peace over here during the day. but hell resumes when he gets home, and weekends mean whole days of him being here. mbah.

oh yeah. flickerstick interview/article. cory says no new cd until january. brandin hopes late summer. considering they plan to go into the studio in july, and the live cd took five months to be released after being recorded, i think cory's closer to the real date. that's ok. i can wait.

ok. i'm out.

i should go write my soul down.

kick me while i'm down.

thought running through my head at midnight:

what's there to look forward to?

mbah.

hmm. blogger just ate my post. that hasn't happened to me in a very very long time.

i would be more pissed off about this, but as it was that post was crap. not that this one is any better.

i'll be back when i sort out what i want to say.

sugar high

yesterday before i went over to alex's i watched empire records. again. and i remembered why i liked the movie so much when i watched it the first time, and it wasn't just because of ethan embry (then still ethan randall). and it really helped that i actually saw the beginning this time.

we saw the most amazing sky last night. full moon, scattered clouds. beautiful. the kind of thing you live your life to see. what was it brandon lee said? "Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustable well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can't even concieve of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even that. How many times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless." - Brandon Lee during his final interview

this last week i've been... off. emotionally and all. from the fact that i'm physically fucked up, and because of everything else that just came together at a point a week ago. my outlook has changed. and i still miss you, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. i don't know if that's a good thing. probably not. but, you know, when you love someone, that's all you can do. just love them with all your being, no matter where they are.

of course you know.

i've been thinking a lot about buddhism, and a tattoo, and finding a balance in my life. i don't know what i'll finally end up doing, or going, or being, but i don't want to live my life like this. maybe i'd rather live in a fantasy world. i don't know. but i have to change, even if my reality doesn't.

speaking of change, i like the black look for now. i might change it back later on this week. but for now, i need the clarity of darkness.

tales of an earth with no purpose

a guitar scorched into my soul. the voice starts out soft, telling the story, gets edgier, a soul cut open and shown to the world, the final scream. rage. pain. hurt. chaos. all backed by a guitar.

those eyes. i looked into them, and they cut right through me. i've known those eyes before. i'm almost certain. maybe it was because i was wanting to see them again. because i miss them so much. and i don't even know why. salvation. those eyes are the last source of my salvation. but there was a connection. i saw him, and those eyes didn't just look at me, they saw me.

"love is suicide"

words to live by.

let me rest in pieces

a day in santa sure takes a lot out of a person.

first off: victoria's secret semi-annual sale. you have to wait six months for the next one, so go before it's too late.

so my car isn't making odd noises anymore. we took it in today and got the fanbelt replaced (which we knew we had to do). tomorrow morning we're taking it in to get all the tire stuff done to it (shocks, alignment, etc.). so i should have my nice old grandma olds back and healthy by tomorrow afternoon.

i like my old grandma car.

went and checked out prices for cartilage piercings. aware: $20 piercing, jewelry (hoop) $15 and up. which means both ears for at least $70. fallen angel: $45 plus tax. and that's piercing and jewelry. so that adds up to $90 for both ears. aware is apparently the best for professional piercing (the guy at fallen angel told me that if i don't get it there i should most definitely go to aware), but the thing is, fallen angel just felt better. i got really weird vibes from aware. bad vibes. and the guys at fallen angel were really nice, and the place had a friendly feel, and just, well, felt better. i don't know. aware is the best place, price wise and experience and all, but it didn't feel right. bah. well i have a month to figure it out. that and i have to save about $60. unless i decide to only get one ear done.

i've finally started doing some hemp stuff and weaving. i thought that the hemp stuff took a long time to do, apparently i didn't remember the 3 hours it takes to do the embroidery thread friendship bracelet weaving. i'm thinking for the time alone those are gonna be close to $5. i have to make a whole bunch of stuff, since my mom and aunt are going to get a table in this flea market in pojoaque that's coming up.

mbah. i'm sitting here, but nothing else is coming.

i'm off to finish a bracelet.

step into the night

i'm finally done with that damn site. i can't tell if it's better or worse than how it was before, but right now my head hurts and i can't seem to care. so now you can see my redesigned pathetic site.

it's like the fucking dust bowl outside. insane. i just got back from super walmart. shopping. with my gram. and satan. and a six year old. all my favorite people. fun.

it's a good thing i'm still seventeen and broke.

my car goes into the shop for an engine check on wednesday.

listening to staind. i would have fourteen shades of grey right now, except i made myself promise not to get it until i got off my ass and did some physical activity. so far it hasn't worked. but it shall, 'cause i really want that cd.

bah. i think that having a uterus when you're not ever gonna have children is cruel and unusual punishment. seriously. bah, i could go off on this but i won't. i'll just leave.

faint

i slept last night! within two hours of getting in bed, i was asleep. out. totally. and then i wake up at 8:40 this morning because my mom had a dentist appt. and we had to watch my cousin at 9. fun. he's actually a pretty cool kid, for being a six year old. kid's gonna be a genius when he gets older.

anyway, i got up. got my day started. sorted more of my bead stuff and found out that i have to go get some more hemp size beads. that or get a smaller size hemp, but all anyone has is 20#. ah well it'll do.

jess is gone as of today. for three weeks. but then she's back. ah well.

oh yeah and my car's dead. well, i shouldn't drive it. it's still making that really ugly noise. we're taking it in on thursday to get shocks and struts and the tires aligned and balanced and whatnot. funny, a year ago i wouldn't have wanted to drive if you paid me. now i'm twitching 'cause i can't drive. odd.

i didn't realize until saturday that linkin park put out faint as another single. when i listened to the whole cd the first time i kept going back to that song, i liked it so much.

nothing to say. gonna get some more tab.

the anatomy of a tear

sitting on the floor, perfectly still. legs crossed, back straight, palms up. midnight. close eyes. inhale. feel the air filling my lungs. pause. exhale. pause. repeat. focus on the now. dreaming of zion awake. ok, so my mind isn't completely clear. so what. i'll focus on that song. at least i'm not crying anymore.

inhale. feel the air come down and fill the whole of my lungs. i'm such a shallow breather. feel my chest move. exhale. feel the need for breath again. the need for life. inhale. exhale. feel tears forming in my eyes. but i'm not even upset now. i'm calm. i'm meditating. why is there a tear coming down my cheek? inhale. exhale. feel the coolness of the air when it hits the wet streak across my face. inhale. exhale. feel the tear as it catches the corner of my mouth and runs onto my lips. inhale. more tears come. exhale. where are they coming from? does my soul just know that i'm not through crying? inhale. they're burning my skin. exhale. tears that burn. salt on a wound. back straight, head up. focus on the tears. inhale. pause. they're still coming. exhale. inhale. why? i'm calm. i'm detached. well, resigned. exhale. bring my hand up and wipe the tears off my skin. it burns. inhale. more come. exhale. let them. focus on the way they feel. the way they run down from the corners of my eyes, down my cheeks, catch the corner of my lips, and settle there. keep breathing. focus on right now. sleeping awake.

inhale deep, pause, exhale. wipe the tears off my face. and they've stopped coming. now i feel better.

revelation long-coming

i actually debated posting this. until i read some other blogs. given my present mood and such, and the fact that i took the time to write this down in the middle of the night, i'm gonna post it.

written approx. 11:30pm, 7 june 2003.

i regret this last year. it was a waste of a year of my life. i know people have been telling me that it's better to regret something i did rather than regret not doing it at all. well that's wrong. it's just wrong. i regret going to LA the beginning of school and i regret going to prom at the end of school. i regret always doing things to make other people happy. it just makes me miserable in the process.

i can't remember one moment this year that i was happy. that i was truly happy. i spent as many nights crying myself to sleep this year as i did in seventh grade. and this year was supposed to be a great year for me. so much for that.

i regret things that i've done. i shouldn't have gone to LA. i shouldn't have gone to prom. i shouldn't have taken the AP test. i shouldn't have ordered a class ring. i shouldn't i shouldn't i shouldn't.

and now i won't.

everything that i shouldn't have done i did because of dreams, hopes. and dreams and hopes are shit. there is no future. there is no reason for hopes and dreams. fake solace is what it is. crap is what it is. everything that i think for the future, that i dream and hope and plan, is all crap. hopes and dreams don't come true. wishes don't come true. life is what you do as you do it. thinking about the future is just kidding yourself. your future doesn't exist, but your past does. my past does exist. and it's not filled with things that i hoped or dreamed for. not one damn thing that i've ever hoped or dreamed for. just a whole lot of regret. hopes and dreams lead to one thing: regret. thinking about the future just leads me to do shit i'll regret, leads me to cry myself to sleep.

i'm not going to do that anymore. i'm not going to put any stock in the future. nothing that i've ever wanted for me will ever happen. that is the present truth, and the present truth means more than any future lies.

all that matters is right now. and right now it's 11:36pm, and i can't fucking get to sleep. just like i haven't been able to sleep for months now. the present truth. i'm sitting on my floor with a notebook on my lap and a pen in my hand. a flashlight so i can see to write so i won't have to turn on a light. i'm still wide awake, with no sign of tiredness anywhere. writing down a revelation. the present truth.

ok. i want the present truth? here it is.

you hate the way you look. you hate the way you feel. you hate that you're liveing in this house. you hate that you have no talent, no path in life. you dislike your family 'cause they'll never accept the real you. you hate that you're alone. you're always alone. and you will always be alone.

you're a fuckup who's never done anything with her life. and you never will. you'll always regret everything you do, 'cause you don't think you should be alive in the first place. difinitive times that you should've died. but you didn't. and you won't. you won't be the first one to die, because you've hoped for it. and that's shit. you're convinced something's wrong with you, something's seriously wrong with you. but they don't give a fuck. five years of past experience, and you know that they don't give a fuck about you.

you're not a hypochondriac, but you're not sick either. you're just messed up. physically, mentally, and emotionally.

you have no hopes for the future. that's good. finally getting some sense back into you. you've accepted your present truth.

you're not going to think about him anymore, are you?

you're not going to think about berkeley, are you?

you're not going to try and change yourself for anyone else, are you?

it's midnight. you're still not gonna fall asleep, but you know that too. good. you have no hope for yourself in the future. that's good. my work here is done.

all that jazz

it's friday. no net, no car. waiting 'till it's four twenty. no, not 4:20, you stoners. leave to santa, get to alex's at 5. god, i hadn't seen her in over a week. that's quite a long time. jess is coming over at 6:30. we're gonna see chicago at cinemacafe at 8. lur's coming too. guess what, she's first in the state in fighting, and third in the nation. i never want to get that girl angry at me.

jess comes over. the four of us go to joe's cafe. and see karl. and eat spaghetti. mmmspaghetti. we go to cinemacafe. watch movie. as much as i like to say that i don't like musicals, i really do. and i really liked chicago. especially when i got to see it while sitting on a couch and eating chocolate mousse.

come home, watch tv. wrestle with milo because jess is allergic to cats, and milo apparently loves her. oh well.

get up this morning. go to rodeo plaza grocery store to get milk and cereal. come back, eat. they watch tv, i get on net.

post.

yep. that's how i managed to spend all my money that i was saving for my piercings. ah well.

random thoughts

is it possible for a person to be kosher? like, themselves. get blessed by a rabbi and get a U or a K tattooed somewhere on your body. would that work? if so, people could totally make an industry from kosherizing people.

i just had an urge to post. and what a surprise, i could actually get online.

i've been contemplating redoing my old geocities site. i did that one in wysiwyg, and now i want to do it in html. with frames. and tables. and i would upload more pictures that i have but i no longer have a scanner (that works with this computer).

i was also over at kyle's blog looking at his template that i made based on tatu's website. and it hit me. it could be used for a kick ass flickerstick template too. not that i would change this blog's template, just that i could send it to the street team for anybody to use, since i don't do much for them anyway. what the fuck?! where'd they go? where'd the street team move to? bah. i don't have time to search now. bah.

i really want my car to be not sick. even though i don't get out much, i'd still like to have the anytime opportunity to be able to get out.

bah. i'm thinking i should really look into applying to berkeley. after i saw that whole "average SAT score 1400" and "3 SAT 2s requested" i ran away and crossed it off my list. but i don't really want to go to colorado, and i don't particularly like the east coast (even though i've never been), and i have a feeling i'd have a better time if i didn't go to state. which leaves me with the uc schools. or, you know, stanford (i'm guessing they're trying to recruit their quota of hispanic females, and it just helps that i'm near the top of our class. not that i've ever considered going to stanford. or harvard. my dad said i should apply to harvard just so i could say i got in. didn't see that streak in him...).

enough ranting. but as it stands, i got a 1280 on SATs and a 30 on ACTs, and i need to figure out if that's good enough to get into the schools i could possibly want to get into. if not, then i have to do at least the SATs again. i'm figuring since i didn't do any studying whatsoever for either of them (i don't see the point in studying for standardized tests), if i did study, which i probably would do for SATs, i could easily raise it at least to a 1350. or so i'm hoping.

all i have to worry about at the moment is where the heck my other roll of duct tape is, and how much i could get people to pay for bracelets and such. i figure, the hemp stuff could easily be $10 (except for bracelets, those don't take as much time), but the friendship bracelets... $5? less? i have to make a few and see how much it costs me.

then i could make another website for them! probably not. 4 websites and 2 blogs is enough. but i only use 2 websites, and one blog. hmm...

bah. why are people never on aim when i'm on. it's a mystery to me.

oh well. off to fix a geocities cite.

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my satan was getting phone calls all day yesterday for an article type thing he's doing on the valedictorians, so i had to stay off the net the whole day.

i've been having really weird dreams lately. that is, when i actually get to sleep. last night it was me trying to explain binary to someone. odd.

my car might be just a little sick. it made an ugly sound when i turned it on yesterday, so i'm leaving it alone until my dad looks at it. we're taking it into the shop this weekend or so anyway for other stuff, so if it's something that has to be fixed, they can do it then.

i really meant to post something valid today. i really did. but it's just... not coming. maybe it's because i've been slightly pissed off all week. maybe it's because whenever i have something to post, i can never get on the net. maybe it's just because i'm a boring little bitch who doesn't have any social life. or all of the above.

so for lack of content (again), i'll just post that survey kyle gave me. keep in mind, when i filled this out it was about 10:30pm on sunday night. i was pissed for several different reasons, and a little insane. oh yeah, and i was really ticked that i couldn't fall asleep. so there.

Name: kristin

Do you like it?: yeah. i mean, sure everybody calls me by some other name that doesn’t even sound like kristin and doesn’t know how to spell my name, but hey what’s a name anyway

Nicknames: i would say pyro, but no one actually calls me that

Screen name(s): pyro165. until stupid people steal my handle. then i have to be pyro1065.

Age: 17

Birthday: november 6

Sign: scorpio

Location: that place between pojoaque and española. but since no one knows what i’m talking about, i usually just claim spaña

School: st. mike’s

Status: meaning? what? single? is it bad to be single? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!

Crush: i refuse to have crushes anymore. i told alex she can hit me if i ever do.

Virgin?: again making me remember the singleness.

Natural hair color: brown w/red highlights (no shit. i really have red highlights.)

Current hair color: the same. tried the blue a few years ago. it didn’t take.

Eye color: brown

Height: 5’ 8”. i think. i should know this, but alas

Birthplace: española, nm

Shoe size: 9 ½ or 10

[ family ]

Parents: yes… i have parents…

Siblings: satan.

Live with: people. and for another few months satan.

Favorite relative: my super cool cousin maya and my cousin will

[ favorites ]

Number: 165 or 52

Color: blue. then black. then grey.

Day: people have favorite days?

Month: i don’t get this whole “favorite time of year” thing

Song: not sure. something by flickerstick, or maybe bodies or muzzle by smashing pumpkins

Movie: bill & ted’s bogus journey. donnie darko’s up there too

Food: italian

Band: bet you can’t guess what my favorite band is. go on. try and guess. what? flickerstick? why how ever did you know…

Season: i hate all seasons. when it’s winter, i wish it was summer. when it’s summer, i wish it was winter. spring allergies suck. fall allergies suck. is there some in-between time i can pick? like, those last couple of weeks right before school starts. maybe then. but that’s not a season now is it.

Sport: skiing

Teacher: i’ve gotta lean towards white on this one

Drink: milk

Veggie: bell peppers. does that count?

TV Show: st:tng. or the pretender. or freakylinks.

Radio Station: 103.3 and 104.7

Store: super walmart. oh yeah.

Word: station. or zero.

Animal: cat

Flower: what would lavender be classified as?

State: not new mexico

Me/You: closet. now.

Coke/Pepsi: dr pepper

Day/night: night

AOL/aim: isn’t this the same thing? aol, or aol instant messenger. hmm…

Cd/cassette: cd

DVD/vhs: dvd

Jeans/khakis: jeans

Car/truck: car

Tall/short: tall

Lunch/dinner: neither. me and food don’t get along any more.

NSYNC/BSB: neither

Britney/Christina: hmm. which slut shall i choose. one who can’t sing, or one who can. hmm

Gap/Old Navy: holy shit this is pointless

Lipstick/Lipgloss: the favorite number and color thing i get

Silver/Gold: but these questions

Alcohol/Weed: are just terrible (and no alcohol/weed aren't terrible. well, maybe alcohol. but not weed. not that i would know.)

[ love and relationships ]

Do you have a bf/gf?: again with the singleness

Do you have a crush?: you know another thing i don’t like

How long have you liked him/her?: repeating questions

Why do you like this person?: especially like crush questions. if it’s a crush, then obviously you’re not gonna tell the whole world. am i right?

If you're single... why are you single?: again with the stupidity. know why i’m single? ‘cause people are STUPID.

If you're not single... give details...: case in point.

How long was your longest relationship?: you know what’s more pathetic than pathetic questions

How long was your shortest relationship?: the fact that i’m so bored i’d fill out a survey with pathetic questions on it.

Who was your first love?: you know what i love? opposable thumbs.

What do you miss about them?: i mean think about it. where would you be without your opposable thumbs? exactly.

[ the past ]

What is the one thing you would change about your past?: i would’ve become a juvenile delinquent. really.

Last thing you saw: a really really small pong game

Last thing you said: can’t remember. i don’t talk much.

Who is the last person you saw?: somebody in my house

Who is the last person you kissed?: you know, are these people stalking me?

Who is the last person you hugged?: why would you need to know all these things?

Who is the last person you fought with?: favorite band i get

Who is the last person you were on the phone with?: but all these erroneous questions

What is the last TV show you saw?: are starting to piss me off

What is the last song you heard?: get it faster by jimmy eat world

[ the present ]

What are you wearing?: jeans. and a black shirt. and my doc marten’s shoes.

What are you doing?: reminiscing

Who are you talking to?: moses supposes his toeses are roses

What are you listening to?: as moses supposes his toeses to be

Where are you?: moses supposes his toeses are roses

Are you online?: but moses supposes erroneously

How are you feeling?: like shoving a needle through my chest. but thanks for asking

[ future ]

What day is it tomorrow?: tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

What are you going to do after this?: i’m thinkin, sure, i can’t pick that lock now, but with the right tools…

Who are you going to talk to?: you know, there was a time i filled out every survey that i got

Where are you going to go?: man was i stupid

How old will you be when you graduate?: old enough to do a lot of things without parental consent

What do you wanna be?: ASLEEP!

What is one of your dreams?: i have $15 right now

Where will you be in 25 years?: i could either buy sleeping pills, the new staind cd, or get pierced. oh the dilemma.

[ have you ever ]

Drank?: a long long time ago

Smoked?: nope. i’m a hypochondriac. we don’t do those kinds of things.

Had sex?: again with the repeated questions

Stolen?: i’m thinking this is a way for the Man to get you to confess to all the illegal stuff you’ve done

Done anything illegal?: see what i mean

Wanted to die?: yeah

Hit someone?: yeah

[ other ]

Do you write in cursive or print?: print

Are you a lefty or a righty?: righty

What is your sexual preference?: straight, and any

What piercings do you have?: 3 each ear. getting 2 helix piercings sometime in the near future.

Any tattoos?: not yet

Do you drive?: yeh

Do you have glasses or braces?: both. i’m becoming increasingly blind. i’m supposed to get the braces off in november

Did you like this survey?: oh yeah as much as i like satan.

[ physical appearance ]

What do you most like about your body?: that i’m not horribly disfigured.

And least?: i wish, i wish, AHA! this doesn’t pertain to physical appearance but what the hell. i HATE that i only have one ovary. why couldn’t they have just taken them both? why why why. oh well at least this way i could have difficulty having children. SCORE.

How many fillings do you have?: stupid kids…

Do you think you're good looking?: yeah kick me while i’m down.

Do other people often tell you that you're good-looking?: thanks. i appreciate it. just kill me now why don’t you.

Do you look like any celebrities?: why don’t you tell me who YOU look like so i can pick the lock to your house one night, duct tape you to your bed, pour gasoline all over you, and hold a lighted match right in front of your face. and you didn’t think i was disturbed.

[ fashion ]

Do you wear a watch?: i can’t not wear my watch

How many coats and jackets do you own?: SCOTTY i… can’tbelievemyears i… thought… theyjustaskedanother… stupidquestion…

Favorite pants/skirt color?: william fucking shatner. oh yeah.

Most expensive item of clothing?: oddly, the strapless bra i bought for prom.

Most treasured?: my flickerstick shirt.

What kind of shoes do you wear?: um, wait, no this can’t end. i’m still bored.

Describe your style in one word: you’re ending. well you know what? bah.

"you should go to berkeley!"

i feel i might have pissed some people off in comments i left on kyle's blog. well, not that i would particularly care if i pissed people off, more that i feel i have to explain.

complaining. usually not cool. unless you have a right to complain. and a lot of people have every right to complain. every right in the world. because life sucks, and in my opinion people get fucked over a lot in life for no reason. so yeah, shit happens, and you have the right to "complain". bitching out life for bitching out you. i'm all for that.

everyone has the right to complain. it's what you complain about that makes the difference.

and right now i don't have any reason to complain.

so i'm back at the beginning? this is a hard topic to write on when i don't have someone to talk to directly about it. just one of those things.

question: going to a women's college. good idea? it's 12 miles from boston, so there's still a hell of a lot of guys around.

ooh ooh geek rant! i was surfing wwdn today and saw he's gonna come to burque on his book tour end of july. i totally geeked out at that. now if only i could see flickerstick.

and now i forgot everything else i was going to rant about. ah well.

you have a choice

i just finished watching minority report, and it confirms what i've been saying.

fate is shit.

bored?
try sorting seed beads for a few hours

i'm so pissed right now i feel like i could scream. which would be quite a feat, considering that i can't scream. i could whine and bitch about it all, which would just get me even more pissed off (not to mention kyle would comment on how i'm whining... increasing my anger level), and all in all it wouldn't accomplish a damn thing. so i'll just leave it at this: i'm not mad at you, just your actions. is that possible?

and don't ask me who, because i'm counting on me forgetting this whole thing by the end of the week.

listening to tatu now. i had a weird dream last night: apparently tatu had a new album, and me, brian, and kyle were at this store desperately trying to pool our money together to buy it. that's what i get for sorting seed beads for hours yesterday. weirdness.

i was really pissed yesterday too. different reason than today, but still.

i tried to make a lock pick out of a paperclip. which would've worked, except the wire is too thick and flimsy. i could only get one or two pins out of the 3+ pins that were in the lock. problem with paperclips: you can't rake the lock with them, they just get stuck, and you end up losing whatever pins you pushed back in the first place. so then i contemplated going to a pawn shop and seeing if they had professional lock picking tools (hey you never know what you can find at a pawn in spaña). but alas, that would require me having enough money to pay for it, and the fact that i'd feel better going into a pawn when i'm 18.

i'm thinkin, i don't want to wait for my usual july 4 piercing. i want them now. besides, i think i have $20 (returning stuff when you have a receipt and getting cash back = more money for me). my mom's semi-worried about me going somewhere, and getting cartilage pierced. but i think it's just if i have the money i can do it. which is good since i need her signature.

i'm almost done getting all my hemp/bead stuff organized again. i'm gonna be making hemp chokers and bracelets and those embroidery thread friendship bracelet things. hence what i needed the seed beads for.

i'm also contemplating getting a job at michael's. not that i want a job, just that i'm so damn bored, and that way i could work in a store that i like, and getting money as a nice side-effect.

i might go over to dreamcatcher today and see x-men. i was planning on doing it yesterday, but shit got in the way.

whatever. i'm always around. if you wanna do something, just call me. or email me. or IM me. or whatever.

i have this urge to go to atzlan (now known as 420 gear) and see what kind of new stuff they have.