be by me, be with me

be by me, be with me. be by me, be with me. no one was ever by me. no one was ever with me. i did it all by myself. all alone. i struggled and fought with the demons in my head, and emerged a shell of a person. now i’m no one. i’m a broken person. i’m trying to put the pieces back together. but i can’t do it alone. i’ve tried and failed, over again. i can’t do it anymore. i’m not worth it. i’m not worth this. my soul is dead. i try to resurrect it, but i’m still left here, afraid and alone, a stupid little girl. i’ll never learn. i’ll never get out of it. i’ll never bring my soul back. it died while i was searching. i was stupid to think i could find it. a naïve broken girl, who didn’t realize it until it was too late. it’s always too late to save the soul. it’s always too late to save the person. i was dead before i even started to deny that i wasn’t ok. the moment i gave up, the moment i gave in to this supposed “happiness”, my soul died. i’ve never been the same. i’ll never be the same.

be by me, be with me. but no one even knew me. no one cared. but they knew me better then than they do now. they don’t know me, even though they say they care. i don’t feel anything. i’m not worth it. i’m not worthy of their care and friendship. i’m not worthy of this life. i’m given everything i could possibly need, but i threw it all away. i lost sight of the truth, and killed my soul.

i can’t stand it. i can’t stand to look at them. their eyes shine with life, with realness. their souls are alive, their eyes are on fire. i can’t look into a living soul while i know that mine is dead. it hurts me inside, it makes me face the reality that i’m never going to be alive again. i’m never going to be alive again.

it’ll never happen. it’s never gonna come around. i’m not worth it. i’ve never been worth it. why did i think that i could ever change. why did i ever think that i could just change my state of mind and everything would be fine. nothing was ever fine.

i might as well give up while i still have some sense left. my soul is dead, my life is over. so why don’t i do what i want with this shell of a person that i’m left with. break the world. break the rules. the phoenix comes at the end of the world.