just when i thought it was gone

i've been surfing blogs for a while now, but i suppose i'll post now.

today was spent reading about colleges. i got this really great magazine (from taking psat's), focused on science and engineering schools. it's great. so far i've found like 3 potentials from reading. granted they could still be extremely bad for me (given location and such), but hey, it's a big start from what i've been avoiding. and now i'm not making sense. damn sentences.

i know i'm not going to make sense in this post. my brain can't make sentences right now. seriously. so bear with me.

so here's the push: computer science, physics, psychology, among the other throw-arounds as bio-tech and engineering types. yes, i have finally found the select few with names that i like. and oddly i didn't freak out while thinking about the future either. i think it made me hate high school even more actually.

i know i can get the money. screw that my brother is already making my parents get a 20K loan every year for his college. fuck him. i'm a hispanic woman who wants to go into the sciences. fuck if they don't just hand out scholarships for said areas of interest. i know they do. so money, not the problem.

going where no one knows me and i don't know a damn person: good, for same reasons i liked the idea of going to st. mike's (but we all know how that one turned out... maybe that's not such a good plan). bad, because it's me that we're talking about. i do about as good with new situations and people as i do with being in a room full of people. which is not good and makes me want to practice self-mutilation. or drive off a cliff. but being as how i haven't gotten laid yet, i'll chill on the suicide thoughts.

academics: i'm one lazy ass person. seriously. but apparently i'm also a pretty smart person. so mentally i could probably do it, it's just that i'd have to get off my lazy ass and actually go to class. which is a whole nother thing. ah, new word. they just keep flyin out my head.

another on academics: right now i'm screwed. i'm taking one honors class, and damn if it isn't the thing i hate the most: english. english ap is crap, given that i should really be taking biology with ficke and trig/pre-calc honors with erps. not to mention that i must take physics next year (which i'm looking forward to), and then any other sciences that my crap school offers. i should be taking 4 to 5 honors classes this year, and 4 to 5 honors classes next year. but no. i opted out of honors math because i hate the way erps teaches. i opted out of spanish 5 because i wanted an elective. i opted out of bio because "i'm not going to do anything in biology...". and next year i'm taking one honors class. physics. i'm getting out of engish because english is crap and i don't want big t. i won't be in calc ap 'cause i wasn't in honors this year (there is an honors calc but i don't count it as honors. it's a crap class too like loser trig is now. even though i like loser trig.) i won't take bio next year because i know what she's putting her students through now, and i am not putting up with that crap just to get a C to B average in the class and because "i'm not going to do anything in biology...". not to mention it's a freaking COLLEGE COURSE that they're getting completely SCREWED on because the teacher is a stupid power-hungry slut. fuck that. i'm not taking spanish 4 next year (yes one year everything after spanish 3 is spanish 4, the next it's spanish 5) because i dislike the teacher and i'd much rather've taken spanish 5 which is all grammar.

so academically, i'm pretty screwed. the only thing that can save me are my act/sat scores. which i must do tomorrow: register.

also, extra-curricular wise, i'm screwed. i'm only in drama. i've only ever wanted to be in drama. i'd still be playing my 3 sports if coaches weren't such power hungry assholes. so drama is it. and national honor society but that's a crap club (although it still looks good on an application...). OH and spanish honor society. i forgot i was in that. but that doesn't help either. no, i'm supposed to be this good-will peddler, going to nursing homes and homeless shelters and mentoring children and cleaning up my city and leading a youth support group and trying to find a way to "change the world". FUCK THAT. i dislike being around children and old people, and any people for that matter. i would be trying to help my community, but this is new mexico. this is crappy new mexico, top in poverty and top in drug use and top in dwi charges and top in every crappy thing you can think up. when the government and the people get their heads out of their collective asses, then i'll give a fuck about what happens in new mexico. but the state now is: poverty breeds poverty. abuse breeds abuse. dumbfucks breed more powerful dumbfucks, who in turn control all the poverty-stricken abusive people. you think it'd be the other way around, but it isn't. this is a fucking crappy state, and people are fine with it being a perfectly crappy state (there's a whole hispanic mind-set to this argument that i won't get into on the net, because i really don't want to get into a flame fight with some dumbasses who don't even know what the fuck they're talking about).

fuck i didn't intend to get this pissed off when i got on here.

so the out: i'm thinking about the future, even though it still scares the crap out of me. in almost every other aspect (except for me being a hispanic woman who will most likely go into science) i'm screwed.

what got me into this extremely terrible mindset: the "depression" is temporarily hibernating, and frankly i'd rather be the emotional mess i was than how i am now. i felt awkward in crowds before. now i can't stand to be in the presence of more than 3 or 4 people at a time. there's always too many people. too much noise. too much... motion. just too many people. it really gets me on edge and then throws me into complete self-destruct mode. the thing that would usually lead to anxiety attack complete with the hyperventilating and tapping and not wanting to be touched, moved, or talked to, along with wanting to be completely alone (physically alone. one person in a dark room alone). now i still feel the same way, i've just learned to suppress all the physically visible symptoms. oh yeah and now in addition to my freak out, i get extremely pissed. really, extremely pissed. that said, being in a casino, with all the lights and incessant noises, along with my grandmother (which is a different post. remind me and maybe i'll get there sometime), well, as i mentioned before, self-mutilation sounded extremely wonderful.

something to think on: what if i just disappeared. seriously. i'm intrigued by this thought. what the fuck would happen to the underlying structure of the universe if i just disappeared. again, you don't understand me when i say the underlying structure of the universe. in simple terms: people. what would people do, how would they feel, how would their lives change, if i just up and disappeared.