so much for that

so i've been doing some really epic thinking over the past few days. i fully intended to write everything that came to me down on this blog, but since it was dead since saturday it never got done. so here i am, trying to remember and write down all the little revelations i had.

the first thing that comes to mind is that little promise i made to myself about a week ago, a promise to finally get all this shit out of my head and tell a couple of very important people to me exactly what i felt. the kind of thing that needs to be said in order to move on with my life. i've been meaning to do this for about a month now, and i fully intended to do it before the 6th, but it still scares the crap out of me. the bottom line: i don't know my friends. at all. with the exception of alex, i know next to nothing about my friends. so i came to the conclusion that they have no idea who the fuck i am, and that i've just been deceiving them for the past year or so. through that issue comes a whole bunch of little issues that slowly drive me insane. i don't know if it's the depression thing lately or the fact that i'm definitely not the person i want to be, but all those issues are now right in front of my face, and whenever i see them, i just want to scream. but since i can't scream (really i can't scream) i've just been burying it deeper and deeper, and i'm quite afraid that when i do let it out, i'll lose someone who is extremely important to me.

and now i'm going in circles.

it involves a lot more than that. a lot more. but this is just something that i'd rather talk to them directly about, instead of writing about it. so that's what i was supposed to do by the sixth, and since it's now friday, i don't think it'll happen.

so that's that.

one of alex's resolutions was to listen to people more. that's pretty much always been my role in life, the great listener. but the thing with this is that since i'm always listening, i never say what i feel. never. one of my friends' biggest tiffs with me is that i never have an opinion. i never commit to one side or another, because that means that i'll have to say what i think, what i feel. and i've just never been the sharing type. the reason: i don't trust anyone. i've been hurt so much by people when i open up that i'd just resolved to never trust people with important stuff. which is a cowardly thing. i still don't trust people (with the exception of alex), but i really really want to. a few years ago, it wasn't a matter of trust, it was just that i didn't care about anything, so i was fine with telling people exactly what i thought. i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but now i really do care about important things in my life, and i really want to trust people with the things i have to say. so that's one resolution: go ahead and trust people again, because i'll never move on if i'm not willing to let people in, and i'll never be happy unless i'm willing to take the chance that i might get hurt.

resolution two: don't think before i act. i know, it's supposed to be the other way around, isn't it? but that's one of my problems, i always over-analyze everything, and always think too much about what might happen, instead of just committing and finding out firsthand. this i realize is also something i do to prevent me from getting hurt. but in the process, it doesn't allow me to be happy, to do the things i really want to do. so that's two.

three: try to find who i really am. the only time i ever felt like i really knew who i was, when i was comfortable with being myself, is (ironically?) the period in my life when i wanted to kill myself. it sounds a little twisted now that i think about it, but that's the thing i missed the most about that time, me knowing exactly who i was. now i don't know exactly how i'm gonna go about "finding who i really am", but i'm sure something epic will come about because of it.

epic. speaking of epic, zander wrote an epic account of the past year of his life, and so i was thinking of the past year of my life. it was weird, reflecting on all the shit that went down the beginning of last year, and everything resulting from that. thinking back on it, it wasn't actions or holidays or that stuff that i remembered, it was the people.

and thinking on that point (i don't know how thinking about people brought me to this), i remember what alex said to me when we were watching gangs of new york. which by the way i went and saw again on wednesday and will happily go see again if anyone wants to. it was the scene where the guy was impaled, and his friend shoots him (you know 'cause he was in so much pain). alex turns to me and says "if i'm ever impaled, you pull me off." so if alex is ever impaled, i'm to get her thoroughly drunk and pull her off, not shoot her to get her out of her misery. and so i was thinking about it, and you know, if i'm ever impaled, don't pull me off or kill me, just leave me there to die a slow painful death. no really i really thought about this, and the pain reminds you that you're still alive. i mean, when do you ever think about how lucky you are to be healthy and alive until you're sick and in pain?

so yeah, but that's only if i'm impaled.

and now i've forgotten everything else i was going to say. hmm, hey i got some movie gift certificates, so if anybody wants to go catch gangs of new york at devargas (dreamcatcher is sooo much better, but i can only use the gift certificates with united artists), i'm all for it.

and now i'm tired and bored. oh well.