could i be you

bah. so i guess i have to blog now about the past couple of days huh.

bah.

well they haven't been the best days ever. pretty weird and not all that nice to me emotionally. so yesterday was bad. really bad. i was chilling at school like usual, trying to be me, and all of a sudden at lunch it hits me. and it hits me hard. sitting, not really talking 'cause i was eating (or trying to), and listening to everybody else at the table, and this wave of fucking depression just fucking kills me. just takes the breath from me. and i'm just trying to stay calm because i'm sitting with my friends and i don't want to just go off right there, but it was really hard for me to stay sitting there. i just wanted to go find some dark place and lay down and die. but noooo, i had to go to 6th period with the psycho substitute.

i just can't function when i'm in depression mode. there are a few things that i want to do when it hits me: sleep, cry for a really long time, get as far away as possible from all people, blow up and tell everybody off, run away (like pack up get in my car and go). and recently, since i'm trying really hard no to think about suicide (because in seventh grade after i almost actually did it i said i would never come close to it again), i think about cutting. yeah i know, what a pathetic person she is you're saying. but believe me, if i could change it (without medication) i would.

so yesterday was not nice. i totally just pushed away and pissed off pretty much everybody but claire (thank you claire), which made me feel so much worse than i already did. and then today was pretty much feeling the backlash from everything from yesterday. still in depression mode, just not as bad as yesterday.

how i know that it was the same shit that i felt for the worst 2 years in my life: my little bout with ocd came back. when i start tapping, it is really not a good thing. ah, i love self-diagnosis.

sad part is i know exactly what set it off. but i am not going to get into it because that is way too personal for me to feel comfortable with talking about on the blog. actually, at all, but i never talk anyway.

good thing: got my research paper pretty much done. and i didn't procrastinate at all.

ok. done. listening to matchbox 20. i really like this.