it's only saturday?!

bah i just remembered i still have to do homework. damn. oh well.

so i have no idea when borders is gonna get the cd, they don't even have any idea, so i broke down and asked my dad for his credit card so i could buy it at the connextion. two good things come from that: it's flickerstick's merch place, so they get the majority of the money from sales, and i get my cd in a relatively short amount of time (last time it took about 4 days counting sunday). so *hopefully* i'll have the cd by the end of the week. but it could take up to 2 weeks. i'm hoping no, but hey i've been able to wait 5 days without going totally insane, i should be able to last that long.

so i guess i was enjoying my being a single-child too much, 'cause it's complete hell with him here. i don't think i have any problem at all saying that i hate him, because i truly do. that was one thing that i was thankful for this thanksgiving... that he's gone for the most part.

i'm going to go absolutely insane for christmas break. i can't even think what it'll be like for summer.

ah well

'cause your his cheeseburger

so thanksgiving was pretty typical. pretty much the same relatives came over to my gram's, and we had lunch. i was feeling abnormally antisocial (and claustrophobic), and i think pretty much everybody there could tell. they sounded more pissed off at me than concerned... but as it is i like my mom's side of the family better... even if they are mentally unstable (and i'm not kidding on this one). my dad's side of the family (minus 3 cousins and a few great-aunts and uncles) drives me insane to the point that i have to leave the room... which is what i did yesterday. it really helps that i live two seconds away from my grandparent's house. just a little "um i'm gonna go get something at the house" and not come back for half an hour helps to calm me down.

so yeah yesterday was not the best. it probably could've been a lot worse. i meant to post something on the lines of what i was thankful for... but i never got to it. i couldn't really do anything yesterday. i didn't really do anything today. i want to go see "they" at 7:30 at villa linda south, but who knows if i'll actually do it. i'm just waiting around for something to happen. i'm waiting for the flickerstick cd, but right now i'm at the point that i'd go and buy it from whatever cd place has it. that will be my goal for tomorrow: go into santa, try to find the cd, get myself a much needed pair of jeans and whatever other sale clothes item i can find, and go see a movie (if i don't do it tonight).

things are getting worse. today i got a potential-offer-that-i-can't-refuse, and i might just take it.

i need you right now, but you're nowhere in sight. why can't you ever be here when i need you?

the greatest tragedy of all

27 Nov. 2002

only certain things can be healed with time. a soul is not one of them. when the soul is damaged, the whole person is damaged. every aspect of that person has been ruined, twisted around, beaten into compliance. the soul cries for help, cries to be healed, for the hardships and hell to be taken away. it cries to a god, but god is not there. god does not answer prayers, or help you in your need. god is not there for the soul. it cries to time, to take away its suffering. to renew its life and heal its blemishes. it cries to time to fix all things. but time does not listen. time is not a friend to the soul. time does not care, it has but one purpose… to keep going. the soul is restless. it cries out in pain. it cries out in despair. and finally, it just cries. because only one thing can heal the soul. the keeper of the soul searches for this one thing in vain. he searches ceaselessly. she searches in the wrong places. the keeper stumbles through the world, cursing god and cursing time, though the soul slowly deteriorates away. the keeper falls down, gets up, and falls again. lying on the floor, the keeper finds meaning. in darkness, the meaning of life becomes clear. and it cannot be searched for. no, and time cannot be cursed. time does not meddle with the affairs of the soul. lying on the floor, face-down, in darkness, the keeper finds meaning. and in this revelation, the keeper finds comfort. lying on the floor, the keeper finds logic, yet the soul remains crying. the keeper is reborn into the darkness, into the endless knowledge that it holds. the keeper rises up, and moves on. but a transformation has taken place, there, lying on the floor. the keeper found knowledge, and in this knowledge the keeper ceased to be a person. for the keeper cannot live without the soul, the soul cannot live without that which cannot be searched for. the soul is dying.

only certain things can be healed with time: the keeper, in time, will heal its wounds. the slashes made with the razor blade will heal and fade. the friendships that keeper has made will be mended and broken, mended and broken, and mended again. physical health will be achieved, although mental health will take longer. yes, in darkness the keeper will heal, yet he ceased to be a person long ago. she tried to move on, and failed. the soul is dying. the soul is dead. the world is hell, the keeper’s mind in ruins. nothing is well, nothing is as it should be, because he stopped searching. she found the knowledge in the darkness, and in that knowledge she stopped searching. the keeper receded into the mind, that which connects the keeper with the soul, and stayed there, refusing to try. the keeper stopped searching, stopped trying, stopped living. for what is the use of searching for something that cannot be searched for? what is the use of trying, when time and god have abandoned you? what is the use of living, just to be dead inside anyway?

the soul that cried for help was never heard. the soul that was dying was never cared for. the soul that is now dead lingers in the world, waiting for time to carry it away.

the dead soul is the greatest tragedy of all. all this torment and pain, surrender and death could have been avoided, if only the soul had felt that which cannot be searched for. just for one brief moment, the soul would live again, would thrive, and in that moment (since time does not meddle in the affairs of the soul), a lifetime would pass. the keeper would be whole again, the soul would be healed. he would be seen as a person. she would be seen as a person. they would be fixed, be uplifted, be seen as individuals. but only if that which cannot be searched for would come to the soul willingly.

yes, time may heal many things, but only that which cannot be searched for can heal the soul.
-
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ten imaginary dollars goes to the person who knows what the "something that cannot be searched for" is.

don't hire me as a babysitter

so my mom stepped out for like an hour so far, and left me with my little 5 year old genius cousin. he's everywhere. learning to read, so of course he has to read everything to me. they cut his hair... he doesn't like it short (and neither do i). he is definitely a genius.

so i love the science channel. that and desserts with jaques torres. ah the food network.

so i'm debating calling ALL of the cd places in santa and seeing if any of them has the flickerstick cd. i know i ordered it from borders, but i don't think they'll mind all that much if i get it somewhere else.

so i have absolutely no plans for this break. none at all. he is going to take my car... and they're going to let him. BAH! thank god ruben's here too, or else i think i'd go totally insane.

well children, i must be off. not that i have anything to do, but i just remembered... they might be trying to call me to say that they got the cd in!

so take a look in my direction

so today was... cold. and weird, but they've all been weird recently. so yeah. aside from jess' dream home (and the hidden basement... priceless), this school week would've been a complete waste of my time. i'm glad it's over, because everyone needs a break. and i need a break from... um... certain people. or shall i say certain person.

i never expected my bout of atheism to bring up that response. i really did not need that from you today, and frankly it shocked the shit out of me that you said that.

but not as much as this shocked me: SCAR CUT HIS HAIR!!!! we have a theory, that someone with high authority (aka the SS or hitler herself) thought his hair was too "unruly" or something to that manner, and made him cut it (because in our stupid dress code they can regulate things like hair being too "unruly"). that, or he had a bout with insanity and actually wanted to cut it. but yeah, it totally caught me offguard this morning.

besides that, today was pretty... typical. for what typical is recently.

i have this sort of half planned out plan for this weekend, and i've been thinking about it a lot, but the thing is we have to use my car for everything (because my mom's van is still wrecked), so i can't use it. AND he comes home tonight. oh joy. like ripping my fingernails off and eating them for dinner.

and hell begins

remind me to bitch-slap god

i've been insanely cold all day. it doesn't help that i have a flimsy little sweatshirt jacket thing that doesn't really keep me all that warm. bah. bah today. bah everyday.

i have no idea what it is. i just come in, sit down, and then promptly want to leave. get away from everyone and everything. even the people that i really like being around, that i really miss when they're not at school, i want to get away from them. i just... can't stand it anymore.

no one's true anymore. something's happened to all of us, and we aren't true to each other anymore. it's an underlying anger, or sadness or something. whenever we're together... it's never like it was. and that pisses me off.

old friends and lovers (minus the lovers) are brilliant things to keep around for a rainy day, but it's not like i'm contributing or feeling the benefits from the relationships. there was a time that i did, i felt loved and cared for, but now it just seems that we're keeping each other around only so we won't be alone. i don't know if it's just my *cough* depression *cough* that's making me feel this way or if it really is happening. i've been thinking about it for a few weeks now... i don't know, was it before drama? during drama? sometime during that time period, a dramatic subtle change happened, and none of us have been the same since.

i really haven't been the same since. i know that for sure. something really crappy happened inside my head, and now i can't go a day without feeling this shit.

"so let it rain, rain on... i'm causing a catastrophe..."

only flickerstick can calm me down. ah, flickerstick can never be too loud.

i really need to write some more epic poetry like i used to, that really used to work well with my moods.

i will not say anything more about the live cd. if it comes in tomorrow, then it comes in tomorrow. if it doesn't, well, oh well.

my head hurts

ah, that's why i don't wear my hair up... coldness gives me headache... aaahhh

so apparently hastings is being stupid, because they still don't have it in their computers, but borders does, and i special-ordered it from the new borders on zafarano. i had no idea there was a borders there. so now i will use my $12 something left on my hastings card for the car kit, and get causing a catastrophe from borders.

if they don't have it by tuesday, i'm gonna be pissed.

i've been listening to 3eb a lot lately... i forgot how much i loved them. it really is an exceptional cd. if i had a cd player in my car i would definitely be listening to it nonstop.

wow this is really weird i'm sleepy and my head hurts, and my neck is cold because i still have my hair up. wait a second... ok ah there i put it down. feels better now.

i apparently don't have that much to say so i'm gonna go now.

a good day

today was a good day. i felt good (getting 12 hours of sleep really helps). i don't really have any homework at all this weekend, and i got new nail polish at superwalmart. ah by the time i die i'm gonna have five billion different colors of nail polish. also, we went to church at 5:30, which means i get to sleep in tomorrow. got home, had spaghetti for dinner.

yes, today was a very good day.

hastings has causing a catastrophe on their site, so that means they should get it in for tuesday's release. i must call them tomorrow and make sure that they'll have it, because if they don't i'll have to go over to borders and get it there, which is sort of a bummer because i have a gift card for hastings. but then again i think i'll have to use that money for the car kit. ah well i have to get that figured out before tuesday.

things i have to do tomorrow: paint my nails with my nice new nail polish. find out if/when i'm going into santa to do that stupid history project. while i'm in santa i have to go to michael's or the mall to get a t-shirt for silk screening. then sometime between then and monday morning i'm gonna have to work on editing the research paper and doing the works cited page. bah.

and then TWO DAYS OF SCHOOL! ah i love 5 day weekends. and then what, 3 weeks until christmas break. ah i can't wait... and yet i can. weird things have been happening lately. days just keep getting weirder and weirder...

ah well i'm done for the night.

almost as confusing as the language of northern new mexico

not that laura needs any help, she sounds pretty boston-ized to me, but...

To All You Old Bostonians (a language guide)

could i be you

bah. so i guess i have to blog now about the past couple of days huh.

bah.

well they haven't been the best days ever. pretty weird and not all that nice to me emotionally. so yesterday was bad. really bad. i was chilling at school like usual, trying to be me, and all of a sudden at lunch it hits me. and it hits me hard. sitting, not really talking 'cause i was eating (or trying to), and listening to everybody else at the table, and this wave of fucking depression just fucking kills me. just takes the breath from me. and i'm just trying to stay calm because i'm sitting with my friends and i don't want to just go off right there, but it was really hard for me to stay sitting there. i just wanted to go find some dark place and lay down and die. but noooo, i had to go to 6th period with the psycho substitute.

i just can't function when i'm in depression mode. there are a few things that i want to do when it hits me: sleep, cry for a really long time, get as far away as possible from all people, blow up and tell everybody off, run away (like pack up get in my car and go). and recently, since i'm trying really hard no to think about suicide (because in seventh grade after i almost actually did it i said i would never come close to it again), i think about cutting. yeah i know, what a pathetic person she is you're saying. but believe me, if i could change it (without medication) i would.

so yesterday was not nice. i totally just pushed away and pissed off pretty much everybody but claire (thank you claire), which made me feel so much worse than i already did. and then today was pretty much feeling the backlash from everything from yesterday. still in depression mode, just not as bad as yesterday.

how i know that it was the same shit that i felt for the worst 2 years in my life: my little bout with ocd came back. when i start tapping, it is really not a good thing. ah, i love self-diagnosis.

sad part is i know exactly what set it off. but i am not going to get into it because that is way too personal for me to feel comfortable with talking about on the blog. actually, at all, but i never talk anyway.

good thing: got my research paper pretty much done. and i didn't procrastinate at all.

ok. done. listening to matchbox 20. i really like this.

um... woah.

damn. that's the one thing about becoming attached to a blog... you feel you know the person, when you really don't. i have no freakin idea. i just want to reach out to these people, and talk to them, and... i don't know, feel closer to them than just reading words on a blog. but damn.

i know that pretty much no one knows what that is in response to, but... i can't explain now. i still have my headache from last night. i feel useless and worthless and very very tired. life gets to be too much to walk through sometimes. this week, i'm going to sleep through it. screw school. it doesn't matter. only my sanity does.

i need to talk to someone. i just need to sit down with a certain someone (and no i don't know who that is) and just pour my freakin mind out. talk therapy only works when somebody cares. i only work when someone cares. and i right at this moment i feel like no one cares about me. which is a load of shit because i know that they do. i'm well aware that i have people who care about me around me every day... i just can't seem to feel it. i hate feeling alone.

i just need to get away from everything. i need to get away from my family... it's killing me. this house. this town. this whole fucking state. kyle's right. this place is a total hell-hole.

"you're laughing aloud at just the thought of being alive... and i'm just wondering could i be you tonight"

so i went to hastings and got matchbox twenty's new cd. it's great. i've had them in my head for the last month. that and staind and my own prison. music is wonderful. absolutely wonderful.

i want to email him, but i have nothing to say. i don't want to sound fake, made up, routine. i want to be real. but real coming from someone you don't know isn't all that easy to pull off.

i need to sleep.

and no alex, i'm not ok. i'm never ok. i never have been ok. i don't think i'll be ok for a long time yet.
.
.
oh yeah, and comments are always appreciated.

i really dislike...

so i was sitting in history today, getting verbally bitch-slapped by the raving psycho, and thinking, dumbass... why can't you just shut up... we're not gonna change the way we do things, and besides you're making yourself look like a complete ass, not to mention using a lot of energy over this, so why don't you just shut the fuck up?! i honestly hate it. she bitches at us for "complaining" and then she goes and fucking complains because teaching us is soooooo hard.

aaaaaahhhhhh. my head hurts. you know what i dislike? mood swings. they fucking suck. i'm surprised anyone can stand to be around me now. i'm such a freak. ah yes i was thinking about that what, yesterday, and how very true it was. ah... it makes a lot of sense... sort of like how me and david had the revelation that we're a nazi society (or something like that). ah, friday was a good day. anyway yeah i've been having a bunch of little epiphanies lately, and they all make perfect sense.

at least, to me they do.

that's the other thing: i'm well aware that most of the time no one knows what the hell i'm talking about. before i was more... profound in my out-loud revelations. now i keep half of my out-loud revelations to myself, so people only catch my last apocalyptic phrase, and think i'm insane. sometimes i think i'm insane. but sometimes it really pisses me off, that none of my friends understand me. and who knows, maybe they really do, like really really do, but i'll never be so close to them as to find out.

that's another think that i've come to dislike: people leaving. so i know that in about a year and a half all of us will go off to different colleges, and i'm pretty sure that once they leave, i'm just about never going to see them again. which is really extremely hard for me, because this is the first group of friends that i've had that i actually love. that's right, i said it, love. i'd do just about anything for them. i can't handle people i really care about leaving. thinking about it, i can't handle a lot of things. but what always pulls me through whatever shit my head decides to throw at me is my friends. fuck, if it wasn't for them, i would be dead right now. i don't think i ever thanked you for saving my life... i don't think that you knew that you did, but you did. in a time when all the shit i was going through got too much for me, you kept me from killing myself.

wow. pathetic rambling turned into something i don't usually do... open up...

bah. i'm too tired to bother.

meats of evil...

so yeah. it's sunday morning. got home at 11:25 last night, 5 minutes before curfew (haHA). now i have to do research paper. thankfully i started it on friday in class, so i at least know where i'm going with it. now, i still don't know how long it'll actually take me, but at least i'm being hopeful for once.

so hopefully this week will be very very good, and will go by very very fast. gotta go into hernandez's again tomorrow because my tooth is being stupid again. then sometime this week, like thursday or friday, we're gonna go over to... um... like baillos (or ballios... whatever) and see if we can find a cd player for my car. go price things and such. i would say we'd go to audio express but the last time me and chris went there it looked a little shady... and we're from spaña so we're used to that sort of thing, so if we don't like something because it's shady, that's a big sign that we should stay the hell away from it.

so yeah. damn i don't want to get off the net. oh well. i'm tired of hearing my dad say "are you working on homework?" that totally pisses me off. so i guess i shall get it all done by 1:30 so i can say haHA. bah.

while surfing the regular waves i caught this post. i think it's a pretty accurate description of what depression feels like. among other things, but it's still pretty accurate.

damn now i'm gonna be thinking about invader zim all day.

the drama. ah the drama.

so once again it's over.

but not without a few stories to tell.

so for one: thursday rolls around. ok, opening night, we've never had a full run-through, i just totally fucked up our duo the day before, and life fucking sucks. my mom got majorly pissed at me thursday morning, yelling, all the regular shit i have to put up with, and of course i just sit there being silent because i really didn't want to get into it then. didn't want to tell her everything about me... how i'm fucking depressed all the time and how i'm now an atheist and everything else. while i was ignoring her (she starts yelling i tune out) i was thinking "wouldn't you fucking be sorry if you being mad and yelling at me and acting like a complete ass made us get into a wreck and i get hurt and you'd feel SO FUCKING BAD?!!!". so yeah. then of course i thought no no that would be sooooo terrible for so many reasons.

sometimes i think i should just make my mind shut the fuck up because for two:

same day after school we go to run errands and get food. i've cooled off by now, just chilling. but she's raving... upset about everything she has to do for opening night and such. and guess what. we get in a fucking car accident. our fault too. well not "our", but "her". we rear ended this SUV, so of course no damage to them, but our van is fucked. we had it towed home. i had to go with the tow guy to show him where our house was, so at 6pm we get home, i pay the guy, get my car, drive to the station to get gas, drive like a maniac to santa, get subway for my dinner, and get to school at about 6:55. five minutes before curtain. so yeah. the great thing though was that it was a great performance. everyone was wonderful. my guys were absolutely great. i only minorly messed up once, and show closed... it timed at about 1 hour 15 minutes. wonderful.

my dad wasn't mad about the van at all. he's so great. he's just like "it's only a car. as long as you guys are ok." a real relief for me because i cannot deal with arguments in this house anymore. not that i could to begin with, it's just i don't really expect them any more now that chris is gone. which is something different. so.

so yeah. yesterday was pretty chill, schoolwise. missed homeroom and first period on account of the insane amount of ice on the highway. thankfully i got to school in one piece.

after school was fine, no incidents like on thursday. at least, not by us. got food and went back to school to eat and chill a bit before people started showing up at 5. it was regular play experience, minus all the wonderful people that left us because they graduated. but catte came and watched us, so that made me really happy. again, the show was great, except that me and david messed up ours. i was really mad at myself for fucking up so badly, with everybody there in the audience, but just as before we kept going and it played out nicely.

i met owen for the very first time ever last night. four months after first hearing about him, i finally meet him. but that's ok, as long as alex is happy i don't mind if i never get to meet the guy.

cast party was typical. if not a little... small. all i can say is that i'm very glad that it's over with. i love drama and being with everybody (minus the children... bah i hate the children), but i'm always so relieved when it's over.

so that's pretty much it. i'm sure there was a lot of other things i forgot to mention, but i've been on the net for 2 hours, and i have to get on my homework if i expect to go to david's tonight.

more blogging later when i have more energy.

fuck this computer

i really truly hate this computer. HATE IT! bah stupid thing has already froze twice on me in the past hour, it just totally freaked out and now the sound is up full and can't be changed. i was listening to a cleavage song and it just started blasting and I COULDN'T TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF! i really really really hate this computer. i would hit it if my parents weren't sitting 5 feet away from me.

so yeah. fuck this computer. a perfect fucking ending to a fucked up day.

I HATE THIS!

nas ne dogonjat

i have a bad feeling about this week. so far, so crappy. hopefully everyone will get their act together tomorrow and we'll have a real kick ass rehearsal so i won't have to kill someone on thursday.

i really hate those little sevies.

so i've been driving the olds for about 4 days now, and i think i might run out of gas tomorrow. the gage is off i think... when i accelerate, it goes up. when i slow down, it goes down. i have like 1/8 of a tank left, and i have no idea if that's enough to make it into santa. but oh well i didn't go fill it up tonight so i guess tomorrow i'll be really lucky or really thankful that i have a cell phone for another month.

i don't like adults. i've been thinking about that a lot lately. i really don't enjoy being in the presence of adults. especially my friends' parents. i mean, they don't know me, they have no idea about teenagers (and i know they use the argument that they were teenagers once but really it doesn't work... no teenager is the same, and the times have definitely changed), and they treat us like kindergardeners, if not worse. in their eyes, we have no idea what the fuck we're talking about. we don't have the right to make our own decisions, behave like ourselves. now i know that there may be a few cool adults out there, but i'm speaking from personal experience with the adults i've been around. i don't enjoy being near adults. i don't like hearing what they have to say about the world, about what teenagers are like and how we're gonna have a tough time in the future. i don't like getting advice from them. i don't like hearing them give other teenagers advice. i don't like listening to them say that the way we dress or present ourselves or talk or think is disrespectful. i hate when they ask me about "how things are going". but above all, i hate it when they think they know me. when they talk about me like they know me, like they know what i'm going through or how i feel. if you really want to piss me off, just do that. i'll guarantee you it'll work every time.

because of all these reasons, i am usually always silent or near silent when i'm in the presence of adults. when i go over to my friends' houses and their parents are there (with the exception of michele) i'm always quiet. antisocial. ungrateful. angry. all of the above. so i just keep to myself, follow around my friends and take cues from them until we're away from their parents. it's not that i have something against that specific parent, i just dislike adults as a whole.

if i just pissed off any adults (or others) that might have stumbled across this blog, oh well. this is my blog. go get your own and say something about it.

terrible.

so today was a weird day. i think it's because last night was a weird night. ok, so you know how when you have a really amazing dream, when you wake up you can never remember it? well, the dream wasn't "amazing", but i remembered it. a lot, if not most of it. and so when i got to school i wrote it down in the jounal that i have yet to really start using, because they say you're supposed to write down your dreams (or do they? aw, oh well). anyway, so here it is, as i wrote it down. the things that i'm adding now to further clarify it are in parenthesis. amazingly, i can still remember it:

so we were standing in the lobby at school, waiting, afraid. (we, being me, a couple other girls, and a lot of other teenagers.) it was like prison... it felt like prison. (now you have to understand, ever since the nazi came into power at st. mike's, we all feel that the school has become a prison. so it's not hard to imagine us being imprisoned in the lobby.) there were about... 7 guys (also teenagers) standing around, sort of guarding us. they were sorta... superhuman. i know, weird. so the thing is, there was this one guy/guard that i noticed. immediately i was attracted to him. he was wearing a red shirt/sweater with a stripe across the center. (i know that details are important in dreams, so i'm trying to remember it all.) i remember the shirt/sweater, but not his face. anyway, me and a couple of girls decide to make a break for it, so we run out the door into the gym. we're running top speed, one girl in front of me, one girl behind me. i glance behind me and i see that girl about to be picked off by the "guards", so i keep running. we get outside, she (the girl in front of me) runs straight, i turn to my left and try to hide behind something, try to lose the one guy that was chasing me. i do, he runs off to get the other girl, and so i think that i'm safe. but i keep running. out of the corner of my eye i see Him (red sweater guy). somehow i know that i can't outrun him, so i just give up. i sit down on the ground with my head buried in my hands. he has this red blanket. like, outstretched in front of him, you know like when you're trying to catch something? so i was feeling all doomed, well not doomed but like helpless. thinking it's all over. but he comes over to me, puts the red blanket on me, and just holds me. and then i'm not afraid anymore. i feel really safe. (safe, and loved. like he knew what i was feeling. like he knew me, knew inside me, and loved me.) and then I WAKE UP! isn't that so typical. but yeah. it was amazing.

i know that i've thought this before, but i've never verbalized it: i never feel so safe as when i'm in the arms of a guy who cares about me. i don't know what it is, but yeah. the feelings in that dream were intense. intense fear, the exhiliration of trying to escape, the terror of almost being caught, the sadness and fear of giving up, and then the intense love and warmth and safety i felt with him. bah. why can't guys like this actually exist, and not just in my head?! i don't know. so if anybody that reads this knows what dreams mean, you mind trying to decypher mine? i'd try to myself, but i think i'd be biased, me having the dream and all.

so yeah. wow. so now i have to get off and do english. oh joy.

every little thing you do is tragic

so today's full dress rehearsal was all in all pretty bad. not the worse that we've ever had, i don't think, but it was definitely up there. the worst part is we have a bunch of sevies in the one act, and they don't know how to ad-lib. i was pretty disappointed at peter too but he did a lot better than little ryan. but hey i have to remind myself that he is just learning. he isn't used to having to make something up off the top of his head when he forgets a whole part of his lines.

so yeah. 4 days. not a lot of time. and i haven't practiced enough with david to know if i'm forgetting a lot of lines. but as it is i can always skip through the script... it's pretty much the same thing over and over and over.

and now this DAMN COMPUTER threw me off AGAIN!! after it already froze TWICE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! computer, i hate you.

meaningless words

so i'm feeling better than i did last night. 12 hours of sleep can really calm me down a lot. i don't know how the fuck i got into depression mode then, but i do know that i really don't like it. makes me feel like complete shit. apparently trying to talk about it doesn't help either... just makes me sink deeper (thanks though, i know you were trying to help). so yeah a new day, and so far i'm just mildly pessimistic. which is a step up from how i usually am.

so news of the day: dad got the car up and running. he wants me to drive it today, to see how i like it. i have a feeling that i'll like anything that doesn't run like the '88. i haven't checked to see if it has a cd player (i don't think so), but if it doesn't - that's still ok. if it has a tape player i'm gonna have to go buy a car kit, 'cause i don't know what i'd do without music.

i'm supposed to go over to kyle's place at noon to do that stupid history project. history is terrible terrible terrible. but as it is now, i could never forgive myself for getting under 4.0 because of that stupid class. so of course, i'm going. i don't know if i'll actually find his damn house, god only knows how people can get around in el dorado. but getting minorly lost again really doesn't appeal to me. but the directions sound sort of simple, so hopefully i won't have to use my cell today and look like a dumbass calling because i'm lost.

but enough of that. what i actually got on the net for was to say this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!

different alex, people. a guy alex. it's scary, i always look at him and think that we're the same age, i forget that he's 2 years younger than me. but it's all fine. hope you have a great day alex, and come visit us once and a while.

well i have to go, to be able to leave at 11:15ish to go to el dorado. so bye all.

and again

elise:

You have a need to communicate and express yourself. You are inclined to over intellectualize, and hate to be misquoted. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.

this still freaks me out.

ah life

i don't know what to say. i feel totally lost without them, yet they're DRIVING ME INSANE!

i miss my friends who could get where i was coming from.

thinking of going to atzlan, blowing my money, and getting myself royally fucked up. that or buying myself clothes that actually fit. all black. heavy mascara/eyeliner and piercings wouldn't hurt either. while we're on the subject of what would make me feel better, i must find a razor blade. if not for actual cutting, then for a nice reminder of how fucked up my head is.

fuck life and fuck school. i'm getting out while i'm still slightly sane.

that is all

ah poor things... they have to be at school in half an hour for NHS inductions. such a waste of time. i was so mad last year that i had to go on my birthday, that now i'm just not going at all. they didn't say that it was mandatory to be there, so i'm not going. yeah.

so now that i have money i want to go to borders or somewhere and get the new tatu cd. kyle said that it was awesome. so maybe this weekend when i'm not working on the research paper i'll run into santa and pick it up.

where is everyone today? i've been on the net for 45 minutes and NO ONE is on AIM. bah i think i'm gonna get a new screen name... and i'm still intent on finding out who has pyro165 and asking them if i could have it. but that would cause some confusion to all their friends, now that i think about it. oh well maybe i'll just use some alias that's not pyro. like... um... oh who am i kidding that is my only alias.

i was really tired this week. tired tired tired. horrible. bah. so because of my tired mind and my on-and-off bouts with stupid sickness i haven't been able to get through the whole script without having to look at it. kyle quoting david's lines doesn't help much either, but that is something that i will just have to look past. bah but it's so much harder... he starts talking and i listen to him and i get LOST in the script. why do i always feel that i have to listen to my friends when they talk? i mean i can block out a lot of other people (this causes great confusion when they're actually trying to carry on a conversation with me), but i can't do it with my friends. oh well.

so tonight's the flickerstick show at the roxy. *hopefully* my cousin found someone to go and get the cd for me. if not, then i'll just have to wait til the 26th and get it in hastings or somewhere.

thank you alex for the duct tape and flickerstick lighter. i love them. but you knew that already.

so yeah. i'm tired. and hungry. gonna go now. byebye.

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

ok so yesterday's comment was over the top. i really meant it at the time, but thinking back on it, i know that it really wasn't a nice thing to say... even if i do feel like saying it to that person often. well, the past week, but i think i've been overly moody and such, you know with the drama thing and all. i mean, 6 days people. 6 days of rehearsal and we haven't even gotten through the show once. ah but that's something that i'm not going to worry about now.

so yeah. seventeen. i can get into R rated movies now... without having to get laura to pay for me. AAAHHH my wrist really hurts right now but i'm determined to keep blogging. so yeah it's scary... to think that in one year i'll be 18... that's just crazy. wow i really need to use better vocabulary... i just noticed, have i been spelling scary wrong for the past year?? is that how you spell it? wow so much for using a dictionary.

so the surprise of the night: I GOT A FLICKERSTICK T-SHIRT! and here's the kicker... guess who it's from... chris!!!!! that totally caught me offguard... but in a good way. i don't know what i'm gonna do/say about that, but i suppose i'll write him an email and thank him continuously for it. sorta makes me feel bad that i didn't get him anything for his birthday... but then again he is the older one, he's supposed to be more mature than me. i still have a couple more years. oh well i can't think about that anymore, it's just... too broad of a topic for me to get into.

so yeah. birthdays. pretty nice. i still love when alex gives me little notes to cheer me up... the birthday note/card was priceless. made me so happy this morning. of course she always makes me happy. except when she's sad, when she's sad it makes me sad. a sad alex is not a good thing. most people will agree with me on that.

so yeah i've found a couple of blogs that i've been reading regularly. one i've already mentioned before. definitely a must read. and the other one is pretty good too. of course, i'm biased... he's got a link to wwdn and he talks about startrek theory. ah gotta love it. so yeah... adding them to the blogs on the left of the screen. that way i won't have to type in the address every time, just point and click. that's how i get around the net... i do enough typing here on the blog.

bah. i'm all out of interesting things to say. of course i could go on and on and on about green jello... ah speech class, such a joke.

but anyway... since i'm too lazy to write you guys emails tonight, i'll just say this generally:

I LOVE YOU!

there alex, that phrase deserves more than 12 point, doesn't it?

bye now.

what're the odds...

you know sometimes i just want to tell that child

FUCK OFF

but then again i'm way too non-confrontational. oh well.

6:42 and nothing is well.

that is all.

i know who i want to take me home

so we saw jackass:the movie. i'll just leave it at that. still want to go see the ring, though.

bah now it's monday night, and i have to do my english homework that i didn't do yesterday. oh yeah and

THEY FIXED ME! went into hernandez' office after the movie and they fixed the wire, so now my tooth doesn't hurt anymore when i drink cold things! ah the pain was horrible horrible horrible but now it's ok. yay for people who know what they're doing! i really am an abnormal child... i don't like to talk on the phone, i don't like to drive, i don't like to just go out and party, and i actually like having braces.

wow i don't know if my parents should be proud or really concerned...

i think my car's about to die... it's really scaring me... i hope my dad gets the papers signed so i can have the other car. just think how much i'm not gonna want to drive if the '88 dies on me.

ah well i'm actually going to do english when i get off.

no really, i am.

now i've seen it all...

kristin:

You have good recuperative abilities and strong mental determination. You are very private and dislike others prying into your affairs. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind.

pyro:

You don't fair well under inharmonious conditions. You are very peace loving. You can get very upset when you are frustrated. Your independence and freedom are important to you. You have a lack of confidence in your mental abilities and do not like being forced into giving your opinion. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength.

-------------------------------------------------------

ok that was scarey. go here and check it out for yourself. see if it scares you like it did me.

now that that's over with...

IT'S A SNOW DAY!!!! yay for snow days. my mom was gonna keep me home from school anyway, 'cause it really snowed a lot here. it's quite amazing. good thing too... i never finished my english.

i don't know what i shall do. i suppose i will get back on the net roughly 5 more times today.

now i'm being summoned to go see a movie. bah but i DON'T WANT TO DRIVE. ah well i guess i can suck it up and go, given that i never go...

damn that name thing is still weirding me out...

closing time

i was gonna make sugar skulls for día de los muertos, but alas, i forgot. next year i'm gonna skip halloween altogether (except for rocky horror) and just do día de los muertos. much cooler and it has more cultural background. i can totally get into it. plus i get to be a little weird about it too.

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

so i finally got all of "believe" downloaded. apparently mp3.com got a format change or something, but i can actually download whole songs now, instead of only 51% of it. so yeah i did that. while doing that i also said that i'd only listen to the song once a day so i wouldn't play it out... like i did with beautiful. but all that changed once i got the cd, i mean how can i not like a flickerstick song? exactly.

with that said, i finally sent out the email. stupid me, sitting here looking at the calendar: if he does get the cd for me and bring it for thanksgiving, i'll have it the last week of november. guess when it gets released for retail sale... november 26. but hey this way i might get the cd signed and get some more merch, added onto that i might get flickerstick some more fans...

but that all depends on that he can go (or get someone else to go) to the show. ah well again with the win-win situation.

my parents are going to set up the set today, and i'm being summoned to help. i have homework so: if i get it done before they leave, i must go with them... if i don't get it done before they leave, i'll have to stay up and do homework (cause i probably won't finish for a couple of hours knowing me). ah the dilemma. bah i might as well just do it and get it over with.

going to mass on saturday nights is nice. i get to sleep in on sunday. it is very interesting though, to hear father talk about all this god stuff and see everybody around me hanging on his every word and agreeing with him and being so... religious. i can't get it anymore. it's just too weird.

my new unlogical idea: stupid me believes in ghosts. now doesn't this just fuck up everything i said before. i'm just gonna retract everything i've said about what i believe, because really i have no finite idea of what the hell i believe. i'm still leaning toward there being no god though. ah won't my family freak when they find out i've turned atheist.

that is, if they ever find out...

bah on to homework

all souls day

it's plan your epitaph day, and i couldn't think of one. nothing clever. nothing at all. but then again i didn't really try all that hard. bah i'm still tired, and i did mostly nothing the whole day. oh well.

bah. nothing to say.

think i'm slipping back into depression. that's never good. ah well what can i do.

bah... to clarify

i love what brandin said about the lyrics to the songs... he tries to make them as vague as possible. i do that constantly when i talk to people about personal stuff. try to be as vague as possible. which is a good thing (it keeps my paranoia down) and a bad thing (i don't think my friends really know me). but being now that i have more than one reader, i guess i'll have to clarify some stuff that i say on this blog.

which is, in itself, quite hard for me. oh well.

soooooo... it has been pointed out that i speak about a "him" on and off in this blog. i still won't give any names because i don't want the "him" to know it's "him". well, in the case of one "him" ("him 2"), i haven't seen him in 4+ years, so i guess i could talk more about that. but in the case of the first "him" ("him 1") that i spoke of (directly after i started this blog back in august), i've stopped posting anything about him because, well, i figure it's not healthy for me to constantly talk about him. that and i'm determined to "get over him", although there has never been anything to "get over". again with the vagueness. oh well in this case i will always be very, very vague.

ah, i have 10 minutes, so i guess i can keep going.

so. ok. in the case of "him 2" that i haven't seen in 4+years: so for my last 3 years of school in pojoaque, i had 3 best friends, alicia, mario, and shaun. god, just writing about them makes me remember them. so anyway, mario, shaun, and i were always together at school. always. our teacher actually called us "the trio" or something similar to that. they could always make me laugh no matter what crappy mood i was in. when everyone else was stabbing me in the back, they were always there by my side, defending me, being what best friends should be. they are the only people that i really regret not keeping in touch with when i left pojoaque. we were all in the same class, but shaun was a year younger than us. and you could tell. i mean, like now, when people are saying their age, you can really tell the 15 year old from the 16-17 year olds. their just not on the same level as the older people. that's how it was with shaun. i loved him dearly, but if it was him or mario, i always felt closer to mario. we just clicked better. i mean, as much as a 10-11-12 year old boy and girl could. so anyway yeah. i've been thinking about mario for a few months now, wondering whatever happened to him. wondering what would happen if i ever happened to meet up with him again. i'll never know. i'll never ever go up to one of my "old friends" from pojoaque and ask them.

so now that that's over with, i will make the same vow with "him 2" as i did with "him 1", but for slightly different reasons. i will not speak of him in this blog again. except of course to clarify things, that is.

update: there alex, does that help, or not?