Wednesday, December 31, 2003

now i remember why i needed a job

blogger and blogspot are down! what a surprise! no one could ever see that coming.

but don't fear, blogger/blogspot hosting is still as free as ever, meaning as long as we utilize this nice free service, we will have to put up with all the server crashes and whatnot.

if i had a valid site, that served some purpose other than a pageholder for miscellaneous links, then i would definitely spend the money, buy a domain, get some decent hosting (along with ftp, perl, etc etc etc), and download movable type.

while i was letting my mind wander (for lack of anything to really ponder) i thought of a really excellent job: working in an occult store.

um, yeah. off to do... nothing really. happy last day of 2003. what a horrible year.

Monday, December 29, 2003

the itsy bitsy spider

i spent a good four hours working on my compsci site yesterday. maybe more than four hours... i sorta lost count when i started messing with the code in my index page. but thankfully i didn't create any bad tags, and the ones that i did i was able to fix. now all i have to do is figure out if/how i can change the borders on the tables. that stuff is confusing.

i just finished watching eight legged freaks, this time i was able to see the whole thing and not just the last half hour of it. it goes on the list with bill & ted's bogus journey, empire records, snatch, and... damn my memory i know there's more. anyway it's so horrible that it's entertaining. at least to me, that is.

waking up at 10am every day is not going to help me when i have to go back to school. neither is having coffee every morning again. but hey, it's christmas break, and i won't get another chance to do this again.

things i still need to do this week: find jeans/pants of almost any kind that will actually fit me. organize/clean large rooms in the house. clean car. give back jess and kyle's things that i've had for the past month or so. spend target gift card. watch lotr and last samurai, check out the order and underworld. figure out how i can format definition lists in css.

there's probably more, i just can't think of any at the moment.

can't. get. off. net.

somehow i convinced my dad to knock down a wall in their bedroom to make it bigger. i like big open spaces. my dad does too. we overruled my mom. i just have to get my dad to finish the rest of the house before we start on this next project.

off to google some stuff.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

creepy.

cripes. it's already the 27th. where the hell did this week go? it still all seems like one long sunday.

so i got my camera back yesterday. a day after we needed it. and i could've had it last week, except they fucked up and didn't send us a letter specifying what extension to call to tell them to fix it. so i missed taking pictures monday and i missed taking pictures thursday. now that i look back on it i wouldn't have taken any on thursday, but my dad could've.

moral of the story: don't be a fuckup at your job. if you are, save everyone the time and energy and just quit.

so now that i have my camera back i have to get busy again on the whole slideshow thing. i haven't worked on it since thanksgiving when i stopped trying to learn javascripting.

shit. i hope no applications are due the end of december, because i'm definitely not getting them done. and that was random. and now i'm confused about what i was talking about before that popped into my head...

ah yes, checklist. messenger bag: check. on sale no less. on sale for $25 less than it was originally. the only sale item i bought yesterday. i still have to go back in to villa linda in the next few days to see if any store has jeans that actually fit me, and if they're on sale for $30 or less. and i'm actually contemplating going down to cruces for a few days just so i can go to sunland park and see what sales they have. plus it will get me out of this house.

but that, of course, will never happen.

no one's online at 10am, so i will be off.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

i'm a stranger in this town

i hate holiday gatherings.

i am losing it.

merry christmas, for those of you who actually find meaning in the holiday.

that is all.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

productivity = mmm

i finally got around to cleaning my room yesterday, now it's all clear and nice. all i need is to get rid of all the boxes on my shelves and then get all the ansel adams pictures out of my room and i'm set. but i'm done for now. hopefully i won't have to do this again until... june.

things i still have to do: buy a couple pair of jeans, string my guitar, look for a messenger bag for school, clean my car. cripes and fill out applications for the lanl foundation scholarship and cu boulder. and whatever else i have to do in that department.

christmas tomorrow. fun. surrounded by family. super fun. no way out. fantastic. oy.

two weeks is definitely not enough.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

new rule

do not touch kristin. ever.

this goes for everyone, unless specifically told otherwise.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

off

i'm tired of sitting around waiting for something to happen.

going into santa to shop. and by shopping i mean wander aimlessly around the mall for three or four hours.

call me on my cell.

whatever.

no comment from the peanut gallery

there was a time in my life when all i wanted to do was write. don't hold me down, don't toss me out, just throw myself into it and write. and i did. and i loved it. i wrote fiction, because i couldn't deal with reality. every time i voiced my opinion/belief on things that happen i'd just get pushed away. in the sorrow of losing a loved one, who can really grasp that he's still around, when in reality you can't see him? i had far out thoughts that relied way too much on religion back then.

and then i couldn't write fiction anymore. i couldn't escape reality like i was previously able to. so i wrote the truth. long, drawn out confessions of who i was, how much i hated reality, how badly i wanted to slip into unconsciousness. but i was writing. and it was in that period of time that i wrote the best stuff ever. and then we had to write for a grade (something i despise), and my words were censored, and click, i lost it. losing my ability to write was like dying a second death.

in a period of three weeks i was able to throw myself back into my emotions, my life, my reality, and write. and words just poured out of me again, and i felt good. well, i felt depressed and pissed off, but i felt good being able to write down the truth. i dig out that poetry book maybe once a year, and can't believe that i wrote that. that's when you know you have a good thing, when your own writing surprises you.

it's also when you know you've lost a good thing.

this summer when i was having my little bout with insomnia, i stayed up and wrote. and i got some good truthful stuff. i also got a lot of crap. but the thing was i made myself write. even if it was crap, because once you sift through all the meaninless crap, you get to the truth.

i want to be able to do that again. and it seems now i have time to let myself write.

like i did right now.

my posts aren't always decent, most of the time there isn't really any reason for me to post, except that it makes me write. if you write down everything, eventually you'll get one really good post, and then all the other crap posts won't matter. at least, that's how i view this thing.

and so. for the past two weeks i've been on the verge of a physical/mental breakdown, since i've kept myself so damn stressed about school. i don't think i'll ever recover (physically) from this semester, but i still have to try.

off.

Friday, December 19, 2003

i NEED these two weeks

i feel like such crap after this week. but the good news is that it's over. one semester done.

sometime in the next few days i want to see lord of the rings, 'cause apparently it's really good. and they do go back to the shire in the end. which is better than i had previously heard. so.

i'm too tired to write now.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

a flash of smile, a dark bitter night

i really should start writing again.

i watched the second half of angels in america last night... it's amazing. i just, it's not, i'm, damn. that's how good movies should be, you shouldn't be able to out and talk about them. now i have to read the play, and see how he adapted it for film. just amazing.

i have religion and english exams tomorrow. i should slightly study for religion, but i can do that later.

so much to do, so little time.

time.

Monday, December 15, 2003

i really need a better online notepad

because i don't really have any other place to put this. yet.

Tattoo healing from a client's point of view: Aftercare and healing methods

Saturday, December 13, 2003

dear trolling fucks

i know that when you put comments on your blog, you are agreeing to the fact that you will probably get bad/mean comments as well. i am aware that there are a lot of stupid trolls around, and honestly they have just as much right to post comments as any decent person does. i get that, i agree with that right. what i do not agree with, however, is "anonymous" trolls. if you're gonna shit on someone's post, at least be able to write your name along with it, assholes.

of course, along with your right to post comments, i also have the right to delete those comments, or ban you from commenting.

of course, the chickenshits who sign their names anonymous probably spend their online lives trolling around blogs posting stupid comments to get their jollys, and don't really care about getting banned.

i haven't banned anyone's ip yet, although i have been tempted.

oh yeah, and just so you know, if a person wanted to find out who you are, it would be very, very easy. and then who knows what kind of shit you'll have to deal with.

lesson of the story: if you're gonna be a troll, at least have enough integrity to sign your name.

Friday, December 12, 2003

FUCK

i just had a long ass post.

i accidentally clicked on a link. it gave me the "save post?" message.

i closed the box thinking i could catch it before it opened the link.

i was wrong.

i would blame it on blogger, but i don't. i blame my computer. i blame internet explorer.

did you know they knew ie didn't work on xp?

bastards.

i still blame my computer.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

pain to ease the pain

i don't know. i don't know why it happens, it just does. a day goes wrong, i have too much in my head and not enough sense to just let myself cry it out and feel like disappearing the next day. not enough sense. maybe i have too much sense.

i don't like having to go through the process. i've done it too many times, and it just comes back. days, moods, states like this demand action. a nervous feeling, a suspicious glance, an act. and it all just dissipates, leaves my eyes and mind, my soul and being. and then calm.

hasn't happened in a while. don't know if it will, actually. i had enough sense to take a few hours to calm down. am i calm now? more than before, yes. but the feeling's still lingering, it's still inside my head.

so everything comes to a depressive, slightly suicidal climax (do not take that last phrase the wrong way). besides, what is a body anyway? nothing. there is no body. there is no mind. there is no death.

gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond, oh what an awakening, all hail

Monday, December 08, 2003

ponder freedom.

i started watching angels in america on hbo tonight. from what little i saw, it looked awesome. i try to visualize certain scenes onstage, and it just looks really good.

i've had a thing for reading lately. learning about, well, stuff i wanted to learn about. it's exciting because whatever i want to know i can just get on the net and cross reference stuff to learn it, but it also pisses me off that i'm wasting my time in a school that doesn't really teach me anything at all.

recent actions, or rather proposed actions, that the administration and the principle has taken has made me dislike them so much more. basically, by going to st. mike's, they rule our lives, both in and out of school. because heaven forbid we have personal lives. we might make st. mike's look bad! people might confuse our actions and behaviors with those of the school! because every logical person looks at a kid in a non-school setting and know that that kid is a st. mike's student, and then connects the kid's behavior as the behavior of the adults at st. mikes.

bah. nevermind. i don't want to think about how stupid people can be anymore.

i just wanted to write about angels in america, and i did that. so off.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

modnar part 52

i thought we had bikes that i could take a few spokes off of and make picks, but apparently they went when my dad did his whole let's-throw-away-everything-in-the-house thing.

previously mentioned twitchiness seems to occur on the weekends. i also only drink coffee anymore on the weekends. i never thought i'd get over my caffeine addiction so much that drinking coffee on weekends would have this effect on me. just goes to show that i should probably stop altogether.

i haven't written anything in six months. maybe that's why i still write here, thinking one day it might hit me again. i've been thinking of posting what i did write six months ago... i don't know. maybe one day when i have time and energy.

i'm not dropping any classes. as much as i bitch about calc and physics, there's no real point to dropping them. plus, if i did drop, there wouldn't be any class for me to change to. that and brooks just told us that we just finished the hardest physics we'd do the whole year. so there isn't really any point to dropping it anymore.

i want to clean my house. majorly. when semester break rolls around, i'm going to ask my mom if i can organize everything in this house. we still have things in the solar room from the kitchen when we did the floor. and in my room. maybe it will give my dad a push to finish the floor and get started on finishing the rest of his projects he wanted to get done this year.

as much as i don't think the world will ever change, i want to try doing a little something. information bombing, like what mister black gentlemen did for buy nothing day. except with all different kinds of information. aids awareness. involvement in voting. pollution reduction. recycling. little tricks you can use to screw over the man. our rights as american citizens. everything that i actually have an opinion on. all the things i think that people can actually do, and make a change.

i believe that if i wasn't so lazy, i'd have accomplished a hell of a lot of things by now. it would also help if i got some encouragement from my parents, instead of orders, or "that's a nice idea, but it will never work".

i hate the idea of shaping a person's mind, beliefs, actions. that's why i am never having children. but i like the idea of giving out information to people, and encouraging them to make up their own minds about it, and not listen to what they're told to do.

i really, really like learning new stuff about computers.

i've been wanting to read the da vinci code and the gospel of thomas for a while. maybe now during break i'll be able to.

my computer does not like cd-rw's. my computer also does not like anything you put into it.

i like gui, but being able to do things on dos is so much cooler.

i refuse to get a flu shot.

i should probably be doing my work right now. off.

Friday, December 05, 2003

problem solved

now i just need a check card to be able to buy it.

you, me, and doyle

things i must do this weekend:

government paper

physics homework

read 3 or so chapters of brave new world.

so much for getting out and doing something this weekend. everyone's gone anyway.

why do i even bother posting when my head hurts.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

cabaret

now, thanks to alex, i have cabaret stuck in my head. and i haven't even seen the entire movie.

i watched x-men 2 yesterday. it's pretty good, considering they messed up the whole rogue storyline in the first movie (and oddly i still liked it...). i like that they're giving intros to sequels, like showing the beast. my only question is: what the hell are they going to do with jean grey? i mean, they're not going to make her the phoenix already, are they? now all i have to do is get a dvd player, so i can get the dvd.

somehow i spent an hour at bme yesterday while searching the net for sites on how to hotwire a car. and now i want to be able to put lockpicks into a leatherman tool, like my micra. that would be so awesomes.

and now senior year has turned even more pointless, seeing as how we now teach our english class. why couldn't i have just graduated last year? the only class i have that's an actual class where i learn something (amazingly) is physics. i see something very wrong with that.

note: we went to this new dessert shop/place over at the strip mall by school (the one with delectables and hidden chicken and tuesday mornings), and it looks awesome. i had a half of a brownie and it damn near killed me. i couldn't tell if the headache i got was from the chocolate or the day i was having, but either way it was good. i think the other half is somewhere in the kitchen... off to look.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

instantly alone

question running through my head right now:

what does it feel like to feel good?

like, physically, mentally, emotionally healthy. i know i always notice when something good happens to me, because it's such a change from my normal. of course, i attribute a lot of my happy moments to my mood swings. and of course most all of my bad days to my emotions too.

anyway.

so i'm not a hypochondriac anymore. not really. being a hypochondriac implies that i'm looking to get my "ailments" fixed. i still think that i'm sick, i just know that doctors don't really give a shit about me. i know you always hear that doctors don't like their patients telling them what they think they have, but it's a whole different thing just to disregard everything your patient is telling you. i live in my body. i think i know when something's wrong.

so going to doctors anymore is just a waste of time and money.

thanksgiving weekend was... ok. a little on the bad side, as expected. i was really twitchy all weekend, and i'm still a little afraid to drive because of said twitchiness, but it's worn off a little. either that or i'm so tired i don't notice. my computer hasn't been that evil the last two days. i think it's just waiting until i have something important to do (like the government project) to majorly crash on me. also expected.

ugh. i need to stop falling asleep in class. it's really hurting my physics grade.

tired. off.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

end.

for some reason i've always felt that writing an "admissions" essay is like whoring yourself out to people. i hate it. i hate that shit more than i hate my computer right now. i feel that there is no reason to write an essay on my education, my extracurriculars that i don't have, or anything else about me. what the hell do people expect to get out of these things anyway? a great majority of people lie to get into college, because it's what people want to hear. and if you are truthful, what does it matter? what does anyone care? they're not trying to better yourself as a person. they're not trying to "help" you in any way. they just want your money, and want to seem like a "diverse" school. fuck that. but as it is this whole damn application is due tomorrow (yeah i know i waited until the last day to get it in. like i care.). and so i have to try and write something that won't sound like complete shit. fuck.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

cripes.

um, what exactly is the point of a holiday? i mean i appreciate the days off and all, but...

i don't know.

not in the best of moods.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

evil thy name is pc

you know right after i posted that last post my computer froze on me again. bastard.

i've been trying to learn javascript. well not really learning it, that would take too much time, so really i'm just trying to mess with the code i already have to see if it will work. on that note, there is no way you can just mimic javascript, like you can mimic html, and learn it. i actually think that i'll have to take an actual class to learn javascript.

but i don't want to learn it anymore. at least, not right now. i will eventually (since my major is going to be computer science), but not in the immediate future.

so i have um, well, two options: post a query somewhere about how to change image width and height in image arrays for specific images (or maybe i can ask salazar next semester when he's back for compsci), or buy this software that (theoretically) lets me create slideshows and then burn them onto a cd, that i can play on a dvd player. or, was it burn a cd to play on computer and a dvd to play on dvd player? either one works. i originally wanted it so that people could play the slideshow on their dvd players, but if i do it in javascript like i was planning (plan #4, considering i think that the whole flash idea fell through) that won't be possible. i can buy the software no problem, i just want to research it first to make sure it's not complete crap.

and you know once i install the software, this evil computer will crash or something like that. why? because it hates me. but at least it's a mutual hate-hate relationship.

so i was in santa today, looking for a javascripting book (and opting out once i figured there is no way i can decently teach myself javascripting). i spent about an hour at bestbuy, looking at things that i will never buy, and looking at software. i didn't want to buy the software then, so i went over to the mall. advice to self: never go window shopping when you don't want to spend money. i ended up buying a brandon lee/the crow 2004 calendar. it was worth the $13.

things i must do this weekend: finish my berkeley application. do my physics project. finish reading dorian gray. contemplate starting my government paper.

clean my room.

no, really. i'm going to clean my room.

sidenote: after spending two hours at bme this morning, i'm totally ready to get my tattoo. but, seeing as i won't have money for it until i get an actual job, i'm going to hold off on it until my july 4th tradition rolls along. hey, i told them when i got old enough i'd switch piercings with tattoos.

mmm. now all i need is to rent x-men 2 this weekend, and i'll be set.

Monday, November 24, 2003

an ode to my computer

why do you hate me with such passion?

what have i ever done to you?

i was not the one that erased one of your programs, causing us to get another harddrive.

i was not the one who downloaded massive amounts of mp3s onto the harddrive.

i was not the one who tried to switch programs and put eudora on you.

no, i was content with you not fucking up with my files, or logging on, or surfing on the net.

but alas, your kind service has now turned to deliberate deviance.

i abhor you.

i would wish you to get a virus and die, except that would mean we would lose all our files.

you would like that, wouldn't you?

heartless bastard.

- signed, the person who wants to take a bat to you.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

listen

i love when i listen to a song and can pick out some riff that i never noticed or payed attention to before. a really cool bass line that's shoved into the background by vocals or guitar, but is just as awesome. some little guitar or drum riff that gives the song a little extra. i like it when i can pick out every piece of a band in a song, mull over how it fits exactly into place with the rest, and be satisfied to know that without that piece the song would never be the same.

sometimes i think music is the closest thing to emotion.

Friday, November 21, 2003

days and nights and this feeling
that just won't go away

i'm so glad this week is over. there comes a point, in all this madness, where you can't move through the days with ease. i mean, you go through life at an expected pace, slowing down a little and speeding up a little now and then, but sometimes you just hit a wall. a subtle act, a comment, a thought, one misplaced thing, just one little tiny thing and life crashes to a halt. that's what happened to me this week. a complete crash. a mental blue screen of death if you will. it's like, you see the signs for days, weeks, or even months ahead that something isn't right. things keep freezing, it's harder to move around, to do what you want in an even amount of time. you keep getting all these error messages that you try to ignore, until all of a sudden it's the blue screen of death.

sorry. i'll move away from the computer references.

i don't know. it's just a thing that happens with me a lot. and a lot more lately. usually i have a good bit of time between the... mental crashes... but recently it's picked up to a week between, maybe less. maybe writing will help, or just let me focus on it for a while.

i can start out ok. you know, not really happy, but nothing really bothering me. and then one little stupid thought gets into my head, something about failing in school or life, something really stupid like... like when i see boyfriend and girlfriend together, or not even boyfriend and girlfriend, just two people, together, and i think why can't i have that? that's semi-normal, that question. what throws me off is i know why i can't have that. i have a list of answers, explanations to all the stupid self-esteem reducing questions i pose to myself. it's validating the answer to the question that kicks it all off. the very act of confirming that i have no choice in a matter. and so with that thought continuously repeating in my head, the days get longer. simple acts become harder and harder to perform. like, i know where things are supposed to go, what i'm supposed to do, what i'm supposed to say, i just can't for the life of me say it. like my blank out on stage last week. i've been over it time after time, i know what i'm supposed to do, but i just can't. i can't write. i can't read. i can't talk. my brain just temporarily coughs and i'm left not knowing what the hell i was doing beforehand. i can still function, move through the day relatively fine, but the mental lapses just get closer and closer together. days become excrutiating. the stupidity of one act, one comment, by anyone gets magnified ten billion times so that everything that they do or say is disgusting. hell everything gets magnified. every sound gets louder, every action more erratic, every touch more invasive. to the point that i can't handle even being around more than one person. classes with more than ten kids in them feel like a packed elevator. it's hard to even go into the halls. that's why sometimes i might snap at you to lower your voice around me, calm down, leave me alone. it has nothing to do with you, it's just that i can't handle it.

and all these things just keep getting compacted, and i keep thinking about everything that i'm not doing that i should be, all the time i don't have to get things done, the choices that i have to make because i don't have that time, the little things i can't pay attention to because i feel i'm so busy. all the people i'm neglecting. and then it just hits one day, that i don't want to be here. at school, at home, here at all. nothing is worth all my energy and sleepless nights. but i can't do anything about it.

and then one tiny thing will push me over the edge, and i've lost it. the point of not being able to function. i can't get up. i can't move. i can't do anything but slightly lose my mind, have an anxiety attack, and cry.

and then i'm relatively ok again.

this week the whole cycle took about two days. and that's what i'm worried about. i'm worried that two days will turn into one day, and then it'll just be one continuous melt down. and you know i'm waiting for it, because i'm quite sure that it's coming. i mean, i can feel it. and it just takes too much energy to fight it.

and i don't know why i write these things on here anymore. but i have a feeling once i stop, i won't be able to do much of anything again.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

lost in words

and so:

misterblackgentlemen

i found another one. and that has not happened in a good while.

case in point

so i did stay home. it all came down to me just needing to sleep this morning. and i did. till 11am. i really really needed that.

now what to do? ah, homework. but it's not a pressing thing anymore. if i don't get it done, i don't get it done. if i don't get a good grade on a physics or calc test, it's no big deal. so.

things are better. for now. but then again now is all that matters.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

fade

i don't know what to say. i want to talk, i want to tell you all the thoughts in my head. to just out and say everything i've been pushing away for so long. give voice to my feelings, my fucked up emotions. to just write down without caring, to write without fear.

but i can't.

it's the dilemma of time. one minute i feel one way, i think one way, i am one person. the next minute i'm someone completely different, in thought, in word, in emotion. and both are valid. both are exactly me. in my theory of the person, that every second you are someone else, and that you shouldn't ever put down your past, because it's not you, i should be able to write. write without wanting to take things back, without thinking about consequences of people reading this.

without.

i think sunseri went and told my mom i need a day off after i was in class today, because my mom told me that she thinks it's a good idea if i stay home tomorrow. i was planning on staying home yesterday, and then today, and then tomorrow. but now... it's not on my terms. it's not for me. it doesn't mean anything anymore. it's not a day of rest, a day to catch up on everything that i'm failing to do, a day to myself. it's not any of that anymore. and yet i still can't deal. will i go to school tomorrow? probably. will i feel miserable while there? most definitely, but i should be used to that by now. i should be used to all of this by now.

and it all comes back to where i left off. where i left the life of what should be, what could be, and sank into the life of what is.

and yet, even though i despise hope, and despise dreams, a part of me still wants things to be better. and that's what makes it all the worse.

i can't write anymore. my words are too strained. i need to stop thinking.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

post it

someone remind me that i've started my berkeley application online.

tricky bastards

i really hate spam and popups, but now i hate this new thing "someone" is doing to blogger posts. you might have noticed. somewhere in the midst of a post, there's a link. a goto link. and you think "why would so-and-so put a link to that?" well, they didn't. i didn't. some tricky bastard (since blogspot is free) is now embedding links to ads/other sites in your posts.

just thought you might want to know.

over

i really hate mood swings.

i was fully ready and willing to post about drama. an actual, valid post. but no, my emotions can't stay even for more than two seconds anymore. i just can't handle this shit anymore. it takes too much energy to try and get myself out of depressive moods. energy that i don't have to give.

i just want to be able to sleep all day. not feel sick or sad, not feel anything. just be dead to the world and sleep. but yet again my internal time clock has decided that it doesn't want to let me sleep. or eat. or relax at all.

this weekend was supposed to be work on my berkeley application weekend. i can fill out all the information but i really really don't feel like writing three essays. i just don't think anything i write will present me in a good light. more like just pessimistic. ah well. have to do it anyway and get it in before end of november.

paying off my speeding ticket today. finally. sending my digital camera to get fixed. getting my film from last night developed. if i ever get out of my pajamas i might go into aztlan/4.20 gear and buy some 18 ga cbr's, even though i really don't want cbr's for my helix piercings.

depending on how pissed off my computer gets today, i might wipe out all my stuff in my account. my dad's tells me that it's "all the stuff you download", even though i don't download anything. so i'll just put everything on disk so he'll realize that windows really is shit. wait, he already knows that.

i think i've calmed down enough now. let's see.

so i didn't pay attention to the play on wednesday. i was too busy trying to get all my stuff in order and getting props at the last minute, that i completely blanked out on stage in the middle of my lines. in all my life of memorizing lines and being in plays, that has never happened to me. so needless to say i was thoroughly pissed at myself. thankfully alex got me out of it (thank you alex so much for that. i don't know what the hell i would've done without you). so yeah. i wasn't in the best of moods that day anyway.

thursday was actually really good, for being a thursday. at least i thought so.

last night was by far the best, and fridays usually are. we sold out the auditorium. my mom didn't get to stay in the audience like we were hoping, but she was really pleased with it anyway.

everyone was just awesome. right on (well, except for a couple times...). even with sickness and the stupidity of the administration they were great. you could feel the energy from the audience, and backstage, and it just gave us enough of a spark that we were kicked up to a higher level. sure there were still a couple of technical errors with cues and stuff and a few missed lines, but that's expected. and people ad libbed and got through it without getting frazzled onstage. it was just in all a really great performance. and thanks to all our friends that came and watched us. your support really means a lot.

we had our little cast party with the drama family afterward, and then a few of us went over to ihop after. it was nice to be able to hang out with everybody. and hanging out with sam and oscar is always an experience.

i'm just proud of everybody that was in the production. you guys did a great job, and i know i'm going to totally miss you next year.

mmm. it's almost noon, so i suppose i shall be off.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

don't fucking fuck with me

ah yes another perfect ending to another glorious day.

wake up feeling like shit so i miss first period.

get into student parking lot and can't find a place because they sold more stickers than there are places and *gasp!* people are parking there without stickers.

come in second period to be met with satan "if you're sick you should really go home". like he fucking cares.

met by a wonderful test in physics. that made my head hurt. seriously.

headache persists as i run around the auditorium trying to make sure my mom doesn't go psycho and get us into another car wreck like last year.

go to run errands. find the most incompetent employees working. get late because of said incompetence.

come back to insane children running around. psycho mother emerges. since i'm not an important character at all, we haven't gotten any of my props together. so i get them thirty seconds before i go onstage.

and bomb.

horribly.

rip my costume off and leave school. to find that it's snowing. insanely.

get home about an hour later.

yeah. i had a fucking great day.

if we don't get a snow day tomorrow i'm gonna snap.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

body mod and new experiences

i never thought piercings were a big deal.

there's the given standard lobe piercing that all little girls get, some when they're babies, others when they're a little older (for me it was for my 6th birthday). standardly done with the gun. a piercing that little girls beg their parents for because the other girls have them, and it makes you look "older".

little girls are odd.

those girls turn into teenagers and find that they want a navel piercing, because they look sexy.

navel piercings creep me out.

other girls venture into other body mod when they turn eighteen, ear cartilage piercings, nostril piercings, tongue, labret, eyebrow. some do it for fashion, others rebellion, others for personal belief, others because they turned eighteen and feel they need to get something pierced.

i just did it because i felt something was missing from my ears.

anyway, when i turned six, i wanted my ears pierced by my aunt mary. i didn't see anything weird with a family member piercing me, but i guess she didn't feel completely up to it, so we went to a jewler. in devargas, i think it was called chavez jewelers, on the corner across from the candy shop. i remember about four or five family members took me. after being shown all the birthstone studs i could pick from, i picked a turquoise one (no idea what month, all i knew was that topaz was ugly yellow, and turquoise was my favorite color at the time). i sat down, the lady piercer/employee there marked my lobes, got the gun, put the stud in, and pierced me. from what i remember, it was a seriously painful moment, and i think i might've cried a bit. i was a little wimp back then. anyway, i loved that i now could show off my pierced ears to my little friends, and that the jewelry was turquoise studs.

fast forward a little over two years ago (2001). my brother got it into his head that he wanted his ears pierced. he was too afraid to do it with the gun, so he got my aunt maria onboard to do it (my aunt's an old hippie. 'nuff said). i went with him, since i was totally into piercing and figured he needed some moral support. after he got pierced, they had an extra pair of gold hoops left, and would i like my ears pierced too? i said sure, i'd been thinking of getting a second lobe piercing anyway. i thought my aunt's diy method was pretty good for just finding things around the house. a sterilized sewing needle, betadine, rubbing alcohol, ice to numb the ear, and cork. i put the ice on my lobes while my aunt put the gold hoops in betadine. when i thought my ears were numb enough, she drew a dot where she thought the placement would be (if i'd have known i was going to get another piercing a year later i would've had her place it closer to my first piercing). i said ok, and she got the sewing needle and put the cork behind my ear. a quick stick and she had my ear pierced. getting the hoop in was a little complicated, since the hoop had a little curve at the end of it, but she straightened it out and put it in. lather rinse repeat and i had both ears done.

this happened on the fourth of july. later that day we had a little party with a fraction of my mom's family, and i joked about how i would make it a tradition: every fourth of july i'd get my ears pierced, and when i was old enough, piercings would change to tattoos. i thought it was a pretty good idea, not for liberation or anything related to independence day (although my family tagged those things onto the tradition), just a good date. guaranteed one year of healing time between piercings, in the summer so i could get used to them. a good idea.

of course two was not enough. i needed another set to balance them out. so july 3 one year later i went back to my aunt (i see nothing wrong with diy lobe piercings) to pierce me again. i bought another pair of gold hoops from walmart and switched them with the ones i got pierced with. so, using the same hoops we used before, she set up to pierce. same procedure, same experience. except the placement on my right ear was off, so she had to pierce it again. no big deal with lobes. so i now had three sets of lobe piercings.

when people say piercings are addictive, they aren't kidding (especially when you don't have a bad experience to make you want to stop getting pierced). in april and may of this year i started seriously thinking about a helix piercing. i didn't think that i'd be able to fit another lobe piercing, so if i wanted another piercing (and i did) it would have to be cartilage. i googled for information on cartilage piercings and got some really great sites. i also found bme. i got educated in the do's and don'ts of cartilage piercings, mainly that you should NEVER do it with a gun (actually you shouldn't do any piercing with a gun, and that in most states piercing with a gun (except for lobes) is illegal). i learned healing time, aftercare suggestions, placement names. i read piercing experiences over at bme and learned the cons of piercings: keloid scarring, cartilage cracking (with guns), infections. after all that, i still wanted the helix piercings.

so in june i started looking at studios. i went to aware (hailed as the best studio in santa fe), but when i walked in i just got this really bad vibe. like i wasn't supposed to be there. maybe it was an off day, maybe i was having an off day. i don't know. anyway, i went over to fallen angel here in española. the moment i walked in i felt good. sawbones was awesome. he answered all my questions i had about cartilage piercings, and talked to me about the horrors of the gun. i decided right then that that was the place, and told him that i'd be in july 3rd.

since i was still seventeen, i had to have my mom come and sign for me to get pierced. we were babysitting my little cousin at the time, so we brought him with us. we walked in, signed the papers, and payed for the two piercings. sawbones had me come into the little piercing area and sit down on the chair. there was this other lady there, i guess an apprentice, so we talked a little bit while sawbones got the stuff ready. he washed his hands and layed all the piercing stuff in their packages on the little table. he put on the gloves, opened the packages, and put sterilization stuff on them (even though they were already sterilized right out of the package). he said he was going to put in 14 ga jewelry, so we would pierce 13 ga. he asked me where i wanted the placement, and i showed him. i didn't want them on top, it didn't look right to me, so i put them off to the side of my ear. he marked my ears with a marker and showed them to me. it looked perfect. so he clamped my left ear and got the needle ready.

throughout that time and before that we had been talking about cartilage piercings. about how they're supposed to be one of the most painful piercings ever. once they found out i wanted both ears done, not just one, they kept stressing to me that it might be painful. but i was going to get them both, pain or not.

sawbones asked me if i was ready, i said i was, and the next second he had it pierced. i didn't think it was the most painful piercing ever. i didn't think it was painful at all. heck, my lobe piercing hurt more that this one. i think they were kind of amazed, because i didn't flinch or tear up or anything. i was just sitting there smiling the whole time. putting the jewelry through was the oddest feeling of the whole experience.

i read on bme all these accounts of the piercer telling you to breathe, and on the count of three they'd pierce. he didn't tell me to do any sort of breathing (although i did some yoga breathing anyway) or count to tell me when he'd pierce. i thought it was fine though, it worked out perfectly for me. he was very quick and very professional (and sanitary. everything in original sterile packaging and gloves were changed several times), and i was very happy with the whole experience. i don't think any instruction on breathing or counting down to piercing would have made any difference.

and about the whole hearing the "pop" with cartilage piercings... i didn't hear it. just another little thing that was different with me.

so he finished up the right ear, same as the left. i looked in the mirror afterward and felt that they were absolutely perfect. i thanked him and walked out with my mom. i could tell she was nervous about the whole thing, but my parents have never had any problem with me getting pierced, and she knew i knew what i was doing, so she was fine with it all.

i did the aftercare, washing with antibacterial soap 3 times a day (which quickly turned to two times a day since i'm so lazy). i didn't start sea salt soaks until about a month and a half, maybe two months later. in all, they hurt like a bitch whenever i touched them, which was only when i was washing them, and whenever someone else touched them. i had them decently semi-healed when i went to the state fair and totally fucked them up with one ride, essentially re-piercing them. definitely not fun. and right now i'm back to the point i was before i went to the state fair.

i still really really like the piercings, they've just become more of a hassle now is all. i don't terribly mind still sleeping on my back and not my side, and the daily upkeep isn't hard. it's just that it's so damn painful when anyone touches my ears (oh yeah, i love it when people randomly come up to me and grab the sides of my face, smashing my ears. it's such a great feeling). i need to change the jewelry to 18 ga, and maybe that will help with some of the discomfort. at least, i'm hoping. i really don't want to lose the piercings, but with everything else going on right now, if they don't stop being angry bitches they'll have to go. i guess that was my reasoning for writing this post, i don't know what to do about them.

and to think i entertained the idea of getting another pair for my birthday.

if/when they finally heal up (i still have eight months to go), i'll definitely think of getting another helix piercing. i won't do tragus, since i think it's too small, and daith piercings look really painful, so i'll stick with helix. i actually really like labret piercings, but with my summer job (that i'm hopefully getting), they wouldn't be thrilled with a loud facial piercing. so.

of course the next project and possible fourth of july tradition piece will be the tattoo, but i'll either have to somehow convince my dad to let me get it, or find a temporary living space until i go to college to be able to get it.

mmm. any piercing stories of your own i'd love to hear them. or go to bme and post your own there.

Monday, November 10, 2003

the mono cold game

the count: 3 people in the play currently have this damn cold. i hope that number goes down tomorrow, but from that feeling in my head (the one that makes me think my head is going to explode) i doubt it. seems i gave it to alex. and that's never good.

maybe i could stay home tomorrow.

oh wait, i have a physics test. damn. physics and calculus mess up everything.

ugh. must lie down.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

things that make me feel sick

this damn cold that i caught from daivd. well i don't actually know that i caught it from him, but it seems like a pretty good theory. anyway my head feels like it's going to explode. moving on...

this damn computer. froze on me again today. twice. it's like bad karma or something. i don't know. i'm too out of it to cuss the computer out anymore.

being in the middle of a flame fest. and, being that i have a policy that you can say whatever the fuck you want and it stays there since it's your own damn business, not being able to say anything about it. i don't know if it's just me now (since something in my head snapped in the past two weeks), but i really don't see the point in any of that kind of stuff anymore. not that there was a point beforehand. fuck i need some ibuprofin.

i'm tired, slightly pissed, and confused as all hell.

where's a mental health day when you need it.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

must get a mac

i hate this computer again. there was a little moment where i actually was fine with it. it stopped freezing or throwing me off the net unexpectedly. it stopped messing up my files and loading time. it was running ok.

and then i start trying to move pictures around, and it just kicks me again.

i seriously. hate. this. computer.

i don't know if i'm getting a cold, or i had one, or i just feel sickly for no reason, but i really need to get better by wednesday.

bah.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

things i don't know how to say

i don't know what to say.

i mean, i know i should say something. i should have something to say that has meaning, but i don't. something grand and revolutionary and life-defining, but i can't.

today was just like every other day that has ever been and every other day that will be. and i was fine with that. today has never been a big thing to me, as far as i can remember. there's no change, no revelation. no huge success. no life altering experience. no new knowledge. no new feelings. it's just the same.

and why i have such a hard time with people pointing today out as different, to me, to others, to the whole school, i guess that's it. i'm glad that people care, if they do care, it's just hard for me to be pointed out. i try to stay in the background (even though i probably shouldn't). it's just such a damn shock to my system when i'm singled out, even slightly.

i'm... well i'm really emotionally messed up now. because of the whole day in general. because of specific situations. because of people's reactions to one another. because of misunderstandings that will forever be misunderstood since people don't take the time to try and understand. because of good natured people being overlooked and blamed. because it seems like people really don't give a shit.

and i just can't get it.

i don't know how to handle things in my life. i don't know where i'm going, i don't really care.

i'm eighteen now. supposedly. i don't feel any different, not that i ever expected to. age is relative. days set aside for "celebration" don't matter, only the feelings and actions within them.

i'm so out of it i can't even put together sentences anymore. i don't know.

i'm going to put this up, because i never in my mind thought that anyone would ever think about me, much less write about me. she said she wrote this a while ago, i don't know. maggie, i hope you're ok with me putting this here.
i know a girl who makes hemp jewelry. her chocolate hair is soft and fine -- so slippery in your hands it must slide over your fingers like soap. this girl, with 2 cartilage piercings and a sometimes psycho mother who's a little too catholic, sometimes feels lost. lover of fire, and a certain boy, this girl i know longs to be close to people, but is afraid to let it happen. she lives in española and drives a granny-car with a trunk large enough to hide several bodies and doesn't drink even though her friends sometimes do. this girl i know, with a best friend named alex and a thinks-he-knows-it-all satan called a brother, is the goddess of html, and blogs too. when she posts she sometimes admits to being afraid, which is hard for people to do, and she helps anyone else with their own blogs when they don't know what to do. this girl, who doesn't have braces anymore and wears a blue sweatshirt instead of gray like last year used to eat lunch at my table. every day, milk and red grapes. and usually saltine crackers. all this came in a lunchbox shaped like a rectangle, but she never ate it. instead she had a dr. pepper and gave to the others her food. i know a girl who cares. who has more than general intelligence -- more than she'll admit to give. this girl, who loves flickerstick and wants to go to berkeley is not alone, even if she sometimes thinks so... i know a girl who makes hemp jewelry.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

where will you go

stolen from redandblack, who stole it from someone else.

pick a band. answer with song titles.

flickerstick

are you male or female? girls and pills
describe yourself: blue
describe your bf/gf/interest: got a feeling
how do you fell about yourself: sorry... wrong trajectory
where would you rather be? telling all the world
describe what you want to be: the tourist
describe how you live: hey or when the drugs wear off
describe how you love: lift (with love we will survive)
share a few words of wisdom: all we are is gone

all we are is gone

i don't know what to do.

i've contemplated life too damn much in the past few years, and now my thoughts are staring me in the eyes, and yet i'm still so damn conflicted.

i took satii's yesterday, and i didn't care nearly enough about them. i didn't care about getting into berkeley... and if i happen to get in, do i even want to go? i have to fill out the application and write my essays, but what am i going to say? it's not important to me. i could lie (like i did to finally get into nhs), but what's the point? what's the point of wasting money and time that we don't have, just to get out of state. all i want to do is learn web development. i could do that wonderfully at nmsu. tuition's less than it is at st. mike's.

aw get off it already.

october went by so slowly. november will no doubt go by equally slowly. the days all fall into each other, and i can barely pick out one day from the next.

i need a change.

i need to change.

Friday, October 31, 2003

oh the antici... (SAY IT!)... pation

i was just thinking, almost everywhere i look recently, i've been seeing things that talk about what i was just thinking that day or soon before. like my post, when did you change, i read the handout my mom gave us for drama about our characters later, and it was the same thing. and then i was thinking about life and my theory on time and multiple lives/universes, and then i read siddhartha and it's looking me right in the face. all the time the past two weeks this has been happening, and i find it pretty cool.

the ep came in exactly on time (the connextion rocks, i can depend that i'll get whatever i ordered two days after they shipped it (which is usually the day i order it, if it's not preorder). first class priority mail. they know how to satisfy their customers). i didn't get a chance to listen to it yesterday because i was so insane with drama and homework and getting my costume ready for halloween. so today coming home i put it in the van's cd player and oh, it's blue all over again. flickerstick is well worth a wait. it's been what, four or five years since they've recorded anything really new in studio (whta epic doesn't count, even though it had execution and smile on it). it's a slightly different sound, but that's well expected. and it's still flickerstick, and it's still awesome. i have to figure out the lyrics so i can put them up at the compsci site.

it's just... listening to brandin singing, and hearing the guys play and knowing that they really, really felt good about it, and they did it on their own terms, it just has this chill, open, out there vibe to it.

and the little extra at the end of the ep doesn't hurt. it's rex talking. well, it sounds like rex and not el dangeroso, 'cause el dangeroso is a little more wild than just rex. but anyway, yeah.

i just finished listening to it three times straight (only six songs), and i'd listen to it more now if i wouldn't get reminded that listening to music with earbuds for a long period of time will fuck up my hearing.

i need to find a house with a dvd player, that i might be able to borrow for an hour so i can see the dvd. maybe tomorrow.

mmm. i just got an email from a street teamer. another great article about flickerstick (you know, while i'm on the subject and all).

outside the flickerstick world:

26 Things : 2 just started. it's the whole month of november, and now with my digital i can join in the fun. i've been really looking forward to this since july, and hopefully it'll give me some artistic room to learn. i really need to start taking some more pictures. speaking of, i found one way to do the slideshow: microsoft movie maker. the only thing is that when you put more than one still picture on a timeline and play it like a slideshow, it's really out of focus on full screen. which is really bad. i had the thought of learning flash sometime between now and then, and doing the slideshow in flash. if only i knew xml. and had the flash software and documentation. but i'm really wanting to get this done, and besides if i can take a class somewhere on flash then it won't just be beneficial to the project, but also work (i'm hoping) and college.

i downloaded the pictures from alex's surprise party onto the computer this morning. i'll hopefully get time to look at them this weekend. i took a couple pictures today, mostly of daivd and his awesome costume, but i'm sure i'll be able to take more tomorrow.

hmm... i just found out (a couple hours ago) that my phone can get messages. i don't know how... we're not signed up for any kind of service like that... who knows. i never pay attention to those things until they happen.

i got my mom to rent the crow for me today. i want to have her watch it too (for the awsome acting and how powerful the movie as a whole is, not for some creepy punishment for her). i've been listening to the soundtrack all week in my car. i bought that cd four or five years ago, maybe longer, and didn't listen to it more than once then. but i've been really into it the whole week. i try to remember what track goes to what scene, but i can only pick out a couple. so i'm watching it again, for halloween/devil's night/day of the dead, and because i really want to see brandon in that role again. if you've never seen the crow, and read about the story behind the movie, about brandin and all, and experienced a part of the "cult" following behind the movie, well. i recommend the movie. it's great acting, a great story, great photography, to make up a really powerful movie.

i decided to stay home tonight and just shed this whole week off me. i still want to go to matt's and see the firey display, but i don't feel like driving back in just to have to come home early. i have satii's tomorrow (to my great dismay), but this is the last big thing i have to do. well, i have to write my three essays and fill out the application for uc, but once this next week or two is over i'll hopefully have time to do it. before november 30th.

but ah, the physics project. i almost forgot about that.

mmm. must be off.

Monday, October 27, 2003

if i could have my way

a few things that would be required this week:

watch the crow on devils night, contemplate love, death, and awesome acting, try to get it into your head that brandon really is dead, which sends you into a desired depressed/contemplative mood.

watch rocky horror on halloween in theater with audience participation. there's no better way. check out the hottest transvestite from transsexual transylvania and covet those awesome pumps he has. mmm frank.

día de los muertos. i always have this urge to make an altar, but never did (a little too pagan for my family i think. not that it matters now). and

plan your epitaph day. a definite must.

i have a feeling none of that is going to happen. which really isn't nice right now.

i miss life beyond school.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

i need to stop sitting in front of this computer

another html reference link:

html code tutorial

i've spent way too much time working on my compsci site for the past couple days. and i still have to do homework.

um... i'm confused...

now, i got my 1300. but not in a good way. seems i upped on the english, but went horribly down on the math (first: 620 math 660 verbal, second: 580 math 720 verbal). i wanted the 1300 because it looks better than a 1280, but it's not good to have a low math score when my major is going to be math related.

damn.

i'm debating giving berkeley the 1280... well, in their estimation a 30 on the act's is equivalent to a 1340 on the sat's. bah.

oh well. this just means i have to do super well on my satii math test. maybe i should study for that one...

three day weekend, one third over. i spent pretty much the whole day adding flickerstick lyrics to my compsci website yesterday, and now i have to finish. and do homework, but when do i ever do homework on a saturday.

maybe i'll have today be a movie day.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

time heals but i'm forever broken

when did this happen. when did life pass me by and in a fit of rage i just let go. when did everything go wrong, and in my disillusionment i convinced myself i was out of it, when really i never left, just got more bitter as time went by.

when did i stop being enthusiastic. i can't remember the last time i was really, genuinely enthusiastic about something, so into life that my mind was full of smiles and happiness. can't remember.

it's been a long road, getting to who i am in this moment, and i can't tell if i was always this way, truely, or if something happened to make me snap. i remember so little of who i was when i was a kid. just that i was always terrified of people, of getting yelled at, of meeting new people, of straying from my routine. terrified. she's shy they'd say. always quiet and shy. why? why quiet and shy? why not she doesn't want to step into shit that'll get her in trouble. why not she can't handle us because we don't understand her? why. things would've been better if people had just left me alone. at least i like to tell myself that.

who was i? i was someone who hated yelling and screaming so much, thought it so painful in any situation, that i internalized it, making it so that i physically can't scream or yell. that's who i was, and who i am now.

i was someone who found out that no matter if you did something wrong or not, you're always gonna get shit for it. damned if you do, damned if you don't, my childhood mantra. avoid getting blamed for shit you didn't do as much as possible, but in the end it doesn't matter anyway. children have no power. children are never right. children need discipline, because they are all guilty. just stand there and take it, until you master being able to block out the words and actions of your accusers. that's all you can do, take it, because you have no power, and if the shit really hits the fan, where are you gonna go?

i was someone who distrusted everyone. don't share your feelings or thoughts, 'cause that shit will come back to haunt you in the end. everyone you think might possibly be worthy of your trust, really isn't. you've already been down that road too many times before, you don't have to prove it to yourself again. don't give them an opening to your soul just to have them beat it down. it's not worth it.

i was someone who didn't have anything to say, because children aren't meant to say anything, really. no one cares, and you'll most likely just get hurt by voicing your opinion anyway.

so i kept to myself. it worked, for the most part.

when did it happen. when. the moment i left all my friends and everything i knew, against my will (because children don't really have any will, adults have to make choices for them), and went to and eternal hell as i knew it. was it then? i don't know. i became angry at my situation and that i couldn't change it (damned if you do, damned if you don't). anger turned into sadness, turned into not caring. if i can't live my life, i might as well not live at all.

right there.

a genius thought that made perfect sense to me. it still makes sense to me. the first time i had the fear of god to keep me from it, along with another perfect thought: things will be better. you have no idea how much that logic pissed me off. now, i have no fear of god, and i still think that things will be better (they were, but with a price), but it just doesn't seem worth the "better" anymore. not really. but i made a (stupid?) promise to myself then that i'd never go through with it, ever. and i make it a point to keep promises i've made to myself.

not caring is a wonderful thing. i don't know if you've ever experienced it. i did, in the time after that. i figured, the cause for all my pain, all my stress and unhappiness, was the fact that i cared. about anything. caring about doing good in school. making friends. obeying to avoid punishment. anything. take away all your cares, about your well being, other people's thoughts of you, your parents expectations or whatever crap they're pulling with you now. death. life. love. hate. just stop caring. let it all go. nothing affects you then, because whatever happens, you don't attach yourself to it, to the consequenses.

it was my release. my chance to block out the world, and just focus on myself. what i'm feeling at any given moment, my thoughts, my questions. i streamlined my "logic of unhappiness" to one statement: you care about things because you're thinking of the future, what implications your actions have on your future. you're attached to your future. let it go. what is the future, really? you can't predict it, because every choice you make changes it. you can't be in it, because everything you experience is the present. you can never know what the "future" holds. so why do we hold to the thought of a future? it didn't make sense, so i made it make sense for me. there is no future. there is only your thoughts and emotions at the moment, your present actions, and the knowledge you have from the past.

that, my friends, was an epic thought.

but was it always there, or did one moment in time spawn all that came from it?

that can go two ways, depending on how i view time at this moment. and i don't want to get into it, because that theory is big enough to fill it's own post.

my beliefs, my views. when? it began then, but it didn't really happen until right now. when i realized i'm behind. behind life. other people can hold on to time, consciously move with it, and they never get passed by. they've done what's expected of them, they're ready to move on. and since i never cared, i lost track of time. no, not lost track. i could see it moving by, vividly, i just couldn't bring myself to grit my teeth and bare it, letting time take me with it. a sort of deviance, i guess. i see you passing without me, well then just go. i don't need you anyway. you've never done anything for me, so why should i follow you.

and it's me. right now. bitter and angry, pessimistic and broken by time. when. why. i try and pinpoint it, but i know i'm still wrong. things just happen when they happen, and you don't ever think of taking note to slight changes in your personality, if they're even changes at all, or just something being brought out that you've always had in you.

but the fact is now i'm behind. and i don't know what i want more, to try and catch up, to go with the flow and see where time takes me, or to defiantly stand my ground, cussing out time as it goes by.

"i try to fool myself in believing things are gonna get better, but life goes on"

i knew i liked that album for a reason.

i'm tired of caring. and i do, now, unfortunately. i've cared for three years (consequently i've also felt this way for three years). and caring has brought me some great people, but in awhile they'll be gone, what is there to care about that's worth it when they're gone? them, of course, because you can't just stop loving someone.

when isn't a time, it's a state of being. why isn't a valid question, just an excuse to explain away who you are. you are never who you were before, no matter how much you think you are. you can't pinpoint change, change is relative. and i can't do anything but ramble for an hour, and get back to nowhere.

i just need time.

how ironic.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

mmm frank

i needed something to brighten my day, so i searched out this picture again. you'll especially like it if you're into rocky horror.

and transvestites.

Monday, October 20, 2003

"the mind of god is music resonating
through ten dimensional hyperspace"
- michio kaku

the sad thing about me understanding what we were talking about today in physics is that it only happens once per quarter. all the good theoretical, "out there" physics, we don't do. no, we may mention it, but then we go back to our century old equations.

physics should not be a math class.

large amounts of homework this week. i did manage to get out of the cruces trip, since i didn't want to go see state any time soon. now maybe i'll have a day to chill this weekend.

i need to get ahold of a mac. and a dvd burner.

maybe sometime this weekend i'll post my theory on time and parallel universes. fun.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

out of the blue

time is such an odd thing. minutes, days, years of your life behind you before you even realize it. one day you wake up and you're 18 years old. is it different from every other day? do you feel the time change with the day? or do birthdays make you think of time in a totally different light?

i don't dwell on time, i dwell on feelings and thought.

i hope that wherever you are, you can find and cherish the day's moments of happiness. that you can reflect on your life, without dwelling on the past or thinking of the future, and feel content with the moment you're in right now. that at any moment you can close your eyes and know that you will never be alone, that no matter where you are, someone is always thinking of you. that for every birthday that you feel important, you know that you are just as important every other day of the year. that at whatever time, you will stay true to yourself and do what makes you happy.

cherish your feelings, your memories, your beliefs, and your experiences. they have made you who you are in this moment.

i love you
=======
kristin

Saturday, October 18, 2003

and again i say oh fucking fuck

i have this really huge urge just to go outside and smash the windows that are in the back yard. i'm all twitchy and pissed off and i can't tell if it's a blood sugar thing or hormones or what the hell's wrong with me today. bah.

added people to the blogroll. if i added you, and you don't want the link, just leave a comment and i'll take it off.

i was really fucked up last night when i was working on the net. i think it all rolls down to the fact that i really hate eating. not for weight issues, if i wanted to lose weight i'd get off my lazy ass and exercise. i just don't like eating. especially since i feel sick most of the time. but then again it's my own damn fault.

it's a vicious cycle i tell you. vicious.

i don't want to leave right now. and i don't want to have to be home by 12:30. maybe i just won't. it's not like i get grounded anyway. or that getting grounded would have any effect at all on me.

fucking fuck.

Friday, October 17, 2003

if you wrap yourself in daffodils,
i will wrap myself in pain

and it's over. maybe now i can get some rest. i'm sure my teachers would've given me homework this weekend, they were just caught offguard by exams.

have you ever wanted to tell someone close to you how you really felt, but the consequenses of doing so are too scary to imagine? i wish it could be done without having to take a risk. i'm not one for taking risks. i've been burned too many times, and like i've said, i'd rather regret something i didn't do than something i've done. it's childish, it's stupid. i'll never get anywhere in life with that mindset. you can't always shelter yourself from hurt, that's not life.

do people ever want to willingly walk into being hurt? sometimes i'd rather keep my feelings inside than risk messing up my relationships with others, 'cause they're all that i have right now. other times... i just want to out and say it. i believe in being truthful to the people you love (not a moralistic thing exactly... i find i have very few morals), and keeping my thoughts and feelings from people almost seems like being untruthful. and then there's the flip side to that: it's not really a lie if no one ever asked you about it. which i can agree with. i'd be truthful if [the right people] asked me my thoughts/feelings. it's the volunteering information thing i have a hard time with.

i don't think i'm strong enough to handle being rejected. is anyone, really?

i don't name names, i don't put a pinpoint on my feelings. i don't state my beliefs with conviction. i don't stand up and say this is who i am. not even in this blog. ah, the dilemma of the blog. it's public, and that's why i liked it. public means other people can read me, maybe feel that they're not alone sometimes. it also means that my friends can see this, and although i'm perfectly comfortable with some people, i'm not comfortable with others. and it shouldn't matter, but in a small way it still does. i can't come out and proclaim myself. not because i don't know who i am, but because i'm scared. to death.

but i can never be hurt or scared if i keep things to myself. it's not the ideal life, but right now, for my life, it's better than some of the alternatives.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

love is a promise

and i know i just used a really good title on a bad post, but hey, at least i'm writing.

yeah, i haven't had any time to post for the past week, what with exams and homework and all. and i still have to study for sociology and physics, but i still have a couple of hours to waste.

recap:

sat's on saturday. all i can say is, i hope i didn't get a lower score than the first time i took them. it's really up in the air.

sunday: alex's surprise party. and she was really surprised. her dad came in the day before, and i thought that was awesome. alex, you've got a lot of people who love you. happy 18th birthday (a couple days later), and remember, now you're legal. go do something 18ish now.

the rest of the week has been school. i've been feeling like crap since tuesday, and yesterday i came home after exams and slept for three hours. today i had a latte, so i'm still awake.

weekly stupidity on my part: so the ep/dvd order number? apparently it was in the subject of one of the emails the connextion sent me. i didn't see it til yesterday though. and it confirms what i already knew: they won't be shipping my cd until the 28th. secondly: apparently my initial thinking was right, my english teacher didn't remember that i was in the class, so he didn't even know that i never did that ap prompt. so no zero in the gradebook, and if i got an 85% on my exam today, i got an A in the class. and it's really sad how much that worried me.

i have to update my websites again, and fix my blogroll. hopefully i'll get some time to do that this weekend, but i have to start filling out applications and type up my resume (even though i have no work experience). we're going to cruces next weekend, so these things have to be done soon.

my next huge project: figure out how to put pictures on a slideshow on a cd-r, if people need to have a certain program to run them, if slideshows work on dvd players. i really want this to work, and to be good. it's my big project for the year, and i don't want to have to put it up on the net for people to see. they should be able to have their own cd's. anyway, i have to calculate the number of pictures i can fit on my cd-r's and -rw's, see if i have to scrap that whole idea and find another way to store the pictures.

i've been so busy the past month. i just want a day or two to catch up on life, catch up with friends. i haven't written a good post in forever, mostly because i don't have the time.

speaking of not having time, i have to scope out a template for britt.

tomorrow. tomorrow will be better.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

international eyes are wide awake

so. i emailed the street team yesterday about my little order number dilemma, and i got a reply. unfortunately, this reply informed me that i will not be getting my cd any time soon. yes, i'm in the group that ships the 28th, so bah. oddly, i always receive flickerstick cd's on or near my birthday. which is good i guess, a nice little birthday present. i'm thinkin i might need it around then anyway.

i have to... finish? my physics project now. or, later than now. before tomorrow. and do sociology.

i hear people are ditching tomorrow to study for sat's. that strikes me as sad. plus they're going to be way behind in classes. well, maybe not gov. or religion. or soc. or english. but if they're in calc and physics, they're going to be way behind.

hopefully i won't have any homework this weekend, so i'll have time just to chill. get on the net and fix all the code i've been meaning to fix for the past month or so. and clean my room.

i just had a strange vision of a star tattoo on my wrist. i oddly liked it. definitely a lot easier to do than the one i'm going to get. in a year. unless i'm really pissed off around my birthday and don't care if i get kicked out of my house for getting a tattoo. and for some reason i keep thinking that i could totally hide it. which i can, i can just never take off my watch. the only real thing keeping me from getting it (besides the whole kicked out of the house thing) is that i don't trust tattoo artists to do it right. and i really don't want them to mess it up. i don't want the sanskrit saying something completely different than intended. not that other people would know (unless they can read sanskrit), i'd just feel really bad about it. and for all the money i'm spending on it (plus the fact it's there forever), well, i want someone really good doing my tattoo.

that said, i have been ranting way too much and i really must be off to do homework.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

"i died. and this is hell."

I came home in a perfectly good mood. it turns out i now understand this chapter of physics, and there's a good chance i won't fail the test tomorrow. and look! it's the 8th of october! the ep should ship today!

but wait. it sold out. MAJORLY sold out. and only people who's orders are before #61586 will have theirs shipped today, everyone else the 28th of october. i'm still ok at this point. i wrote down my number on a post-it right here by the computer. but look, your mother decided to clean the solar room today, and throw out everything! yes, this includes the order number! how she didn't throw away my physics research is beyond me.

fucking fuck.

now i don't even know if my cd will be shipped today or the 28th. if i KNEW when it was shipped, even if it's the 28th, i would only be mildly pissed. but now that i know i wrote down the number, and it has been tossed out, well. and i spent 10 minutes looking through the 3 trash bags my mom managed to fill up. joy.

the one good thing coming out of all of this: the ep sold out! i mean, it sold out twice! twice! (... and now the word 'twice' has no meaning to me. twice. rhymes with mice. anyway.) which means that everyone and their brother bought the ep. which means wonderous things in the world of flickerstick. and the guys get paid this month. which is always better than waiting tables.

and now my computer just disconnected from the net. i really really REALLY hate my computer.

bah. other than that, i'm getting a B in english (a C if i didn't do the math right), and i'm barely hanging onto an A in calc. but hey, only one more quarter and i can transfer out! and if he doesn't let me, then there will be hell to pay. hell i tell you.

i have sat's on saturday, and i don't know how to get to capital. i don't get to sleep in on saturday. that hurts. but there's always sunday.

mmm. off to do physics.

Sunday, October 05, 2003

if i leave here tomorrow

home a day earlier than expected. and i have too much to get done.

waste of time? yes and no. i heavily needed to do school stuff this weekend, and like i've said before, missing one day of school has now fucked me for the next week. and it just so happens this week is the week before exams. joy. i should've stayed home and gotten everything done, but it really wasn't my choice, again.

csu is ok. i like the town more than the school. it just didn't feel right. we had a tour and all, and they were nice. i'd get in-state tuition because of wue, which is the only reason i agreed to look at the school. but with all that, i'd rather just go to state.

cu is beautiful. i couldn't get over the architecture of the place. we didn't get a tour or anything, but it just felt better. of course it costs 30k to go there, so i'm still counting on berkeley to be awesome.

and if not, state it is. i don't need all this shit in my life that comes with worrying about college. i'm almost ready to drop out and get my ged. but of course, it all depends on berkeley.

i missed school. i missed homecoming. i wouldn't have gone to homecoming if i'd have been here except for alex. and even then...

drama starts this week. i haven't read the play yet, and it has me worried. if i do drama (and i am doing drama), then one of my classes has to go. i would say calc, but i don't do anything in calc anyway. so physics it is. and i had such high expectations for that class this year. ah well. so no more life for the next month (a month of rehearsals for a three act. we're fucked). and apparently i have to tutor some kid in spanish for exams. i'd hate to have me as a tutor.

i wouldn't work on homework at all today except that i have one other person relying on me to get the gov project finished. that's ok. i know what i'm talking about. and i like yao. i'd never bitch out on her.

i need time that i don't have.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

too tired to live

the physics project is a lost cause. totally and completely. and now i'm seriously considering dropping that class at semester, just because of this shit he's pulling with the projects. they're all a bunch of assholes.

speaking of which, the only way i could possibly get out of calc this quarter would be if i was failing. not gonna happen. i'll die before i fail an asshole's class and fuck up my gpa. so in the meantime, i'm fucked.

i haven't been paying attention in calc or physics for the past two weeks. and now i have no idea where the hell they expect the class to be.

going to colorado state on friday, university of colorado at boulder on saturday. i'm guaranteed nmsu, guaranteed colorado state. berkeley's always up in the air, but i honestly don't care. if i'd have figured this whole calc/physics/colorado state thing out three weeks ago i would've saved my parents the money of registering for the three damn satii's. which reminds me. i have sat's on the 11th.

and yeah, i have no time to be on the net, but there's only so much shit i can put up with in one day. and i'm ready to pass out right now.

three projects hanging in the air. 2-3 tests this week. homework. stupidity, stupidity, stupidity. i would ditch tomorrow if i thought i could miss physics. oh wait, i can miss physics. i don't know what we're doing in that class anyway. but alas, the only way i'm ever getting a mental health day is if i'm in a mental health hospital.

speaking of hospitals, i've had a headache the whole day. hopefully something is terribly wrong with me and i'll die within two months.

and on to my real world issues. i have to get ahold of mr peralta about the state internship thing. i have to update some templates and html, clean up a lot of stupid tags that don't do anything. i have to talk to sunseri about the lab foundation scholarship. i have to get my transcripts for this weekend. i have to clean out my room, organize my things, throw out a bunch of shit, and then start on the house, since i know they're not gonna do it until the day my dad wants to start the work. i have to find some alternative to this medication, cause it's a pain in the ass and i'm not getting any anyway. get my appointments in order for my orthodontist, get my eyes checked again in november so i can change my prescription in my glasses. cut my hair. get a jacket for winter. donate money for aids walk since i can't do it this year. clean out my mind so i don't go insane in the next week.

spend time with alex for her birthday. and kyle. and everyone else.

i'm too tired of this. bah.

Monday, September 29, 2003

i'm on fire

you know, there's a reason i don't go out into the sun. and no, i'm not a vampire. even though that's a really awesome idea.

even with me being so freaked out about the sun, and dying of skin cancer when i'm 20, it didn't stop me from getting a sunburn yesterday. and oh, how much i'm regretting not being freaked out yesterday.

yeah. i don't like that sun.

government project just about done. sociology project almost halfway done. physics project, now that's something else entirely. that i am completely, well, screwed on. but hey what's new.

and now i have to get off and do physics homework.

bah.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

ascii is very gooood

after weeks of google searches, i finally find an ascii chart that has what i need. at lyd. in ernie's comments. go figure.

misterjustin.com.

yes, you can find many useful things in ernie's miniblog.

many odd pictures taken last night. i especially like the ones by paula. definitely... artistic.

i have to get myself ready so i can go into santa and do my sociology project. hopefully they won't kick me out of their stores.

countdown to fiesta is on. i think i'm actually going to be able to go later than 7am tomorrow. weird. and i won't have to help out everyone setting up and running errands throughout the day. super weird. now marj has that job. for some reason i don't see her as doing as much as i did in the past years. but you never know. all i have to do this year is work the jail for about two hours and maybe take some pictures.

off.

Friday, September 26, 2003

ascii is gooood

and i just bit my lip again, for the 52nd time this week. bah.

friday. finally. it seemed like this week would never be over. but here it is, and now i'm faced with everything else i have to do this weekend. but today is for jessica, tomorrow for projects, sunday for fiesta, and monday for alex. so.

why can't the colleges i want to go to send me applications? things should be easier. i should just fill out three applications and send them out, and get it over with. best friends seem to be going to college across the country from each other. this shall be quite a new experience.

i think i'm gonna try and start from now to get into the cruces bridge engineering thing, now that i'll be 18. it's awesome money, college credit, and a chance for me to hang out in cruces after i graduate. my mom said she doesn't know if they'll accept me, since i'm not planning on going in state for college, but i don't think it should be that big of a problem.

i was just thinking, thinking about things that i want to do in my life. preferably my near-future life. like go to a yo-yo ma concert, an andrea bocelli opera/concert. go watch cirque du soleil. care more about guitar to practice and play classical. build a house. become a photographer and have work that i'm proud of.

mmm. off to play with my camera.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

the blue screen of death

ugh. i had to take out a hard drive from our computer. what a bitch. especially when i have to twist myself around and almost break my hip trying to plug everything back in.

the damn computer froze 3 times on me today. crashed once. failed to boot up once. i swear, i have a love/hate relationship with computers. but usually it's more hate than love.

i've only experienced the blue screen of death once in my life, and it wasn't by my own doing. that was my dad killing the hard drive. but the nice people at dell understand such things, and gave us a new one free of charge (warranties are awesomes).

i'm really close to wiping everything off this damn computer. just keep word, notepad, explorer and aim, and the stuff for the camera. it's that horrid.

we optimized the c drive fully (finally) a little over a week ago. but it seems that getting that damn extra hard drive out of the computer fixed whatever the hell was going wrong. of course i usually speak too soon on these sorts of things. so naturally it'll freeze on me in the next ten minutes.

i preordered the ep. finally. the connextion is really good about getting stuff out on time, so i expect to get it by the 10th or 11th of october.

together, yao and i have exactly two free days to work on the government project: tomorrow and friday. so that is what i will be doing. that and the physics project. and then the sociology project on saturday.

i have no time for my computer to be acting stupid. i put up with enough stupid people and things during the day.

and now i'm bitter again.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

days from hell

i have so much to get done between now and exams.

a sociology project. a government project. start of a physics project.

not to mention do all my homework, try and understand calc, limp my way through the physics tests, and not want to kill my teachers.

oh wait. don't we all have some sort of understanding on that last one?

seriously. i shouldn't even be on the net right now, i'm so swamped.

the ep/dvd gets shipped october 8th. which is crap, but it's not like i'm not going to preorder it tonight. i just hope they get the lp out when they say they are.

i really need to drop a class. i have two choices: calc or physics. i hate calc, i like physics. i don't understand calc, i usually do understand physics (amazingly). calc teacher doesn't teach, physics teacher teaches... more than calc teacher. i like physics, and if i understand it well enough then i'd really like to go into something physics related in college. but no, i want to be in computer science or engineering. which requires calc. solution: i'm going to take either class again in college no matter what (calculus really no matter what). i'd rather take physics now than take calc now. it's just the matter of how dropping calc honors will look on my transcripts. apparently colleges don't like that sort of thing. i say fuck it.

of course, i often say that, and don't mean it five minutes later.

no time for life.

Monday, September 22, 2003

senmodnar?

it's weird not having any metal in my mouth.

i'm pretty sure i aced the gov test.

the physics test raped me.

the calc worksheet will rape me.

and i have to study for soc.

i need to be able to UNDERSTAND, damnit.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

confusion

i want so much to be able to help you, to be there for you. i want to tell you that you are important. you've always been important. that even though life can feel like it's gonna kill you, you always have people that love you, and you always will. you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

i want so much to tell these things to you, to tell you that i consider you a good friend, and i always have. to tell you that i'll always be there for you if you need me. to say that even if you feel you don't matter to people, you matter to me.

i'm sorry for whatever happened, and i hope you know how i feel now.

Friday, September 19, 2003

life, death, and the meaning behind grief

a couple nights ago i caught the last part of the first episode of carnivàle. it's awesomes. yeah, i'm probably biased since i like nick stahl, but it seems like a really awesome show. oh yeah, and it's on hbo, so if you don't have hbo (i'm still not quite sure why my dad signed up for hbo), you'll have to catch it sometime else.

i'm swamped in homework this weekend. i can't do my soc project since she didn't look at our proposals today, so that's one less thing to do. but i still have to study for gov and physics tests, do the calc worksheet, and figure out how i'm gonna write the english essay (that i have to go in at 7:15 on monday to do). ah, fun.

but i'm taking the rest of the day just to chill.

i've been meaning to write a couple decent posts for about two weeks, but i just haven't gotten around to it yet.

i'm completely pressed for time until quarter exams. and we haven't even started working on drama yet.

i don't know. i feel like i haven't really spent any time with my friends in ages, but it's not like i volunteer to get together with them. i just feel so stressed with school, having to keep a 4.0, getting everything done, not going insane in calc, and then everything with SATs and colleges and that whole mess. maybe i'll get a break the 18th. i hope so. a week of people's birthdays. which reminds me... anyway, the point is i need to get everything done and make some time for me, for my friends. for sanity. i'm off.

i'm ready.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

apparently st. mike's is in SANIA fe

ah yes, today was senior ring ceremony. and it was actually really cool, for being mass and all. i got some really nice pictures of people afterward (i only got the backs of people when they were going up to get their rings). i really like my ring too. except for the little fact that they messed it up. not bad, not anything you'd catch if you just glanced at it. but i think everyone knows that santa fe doesn't have an i in it. now that i look at it again, it looks like they just didn't do the "t" impression very well, so it looks like an "i". either way, i'd think that's something you would check, if your expecting to pass them off as "hand made". apparently a lot of other people's rings were messed up too. which sucks, considering how much they probably spent on it. oh well. i'm happy. just have to call josten's and make them fix it.

i should really have come right home after the ceremony and started homework, but i can't pass up a chance to go to burque and eat at olive garden (when olive garden opens in santa i'm gonna go there for everything). so now i'm still procrastinating. and i have to leave at 5:30 to go to calc study session. i have to do calc, read the rest of the book for english, type up my proposal/plan for sociology, do physics homework (which i now realize is two days of physics homework since i didn't do yesterday's) and the lab. and hope i don't fail anything. why am i still typing? i should really start that work.

the ep wasn't up for order today, which means that yes, they did move the date to next week. still ok though. i'm not freaking. i know i'll get it eventually.

other things to talk about, and so on, but i really must get the hell off the net and do my homework.

Sunday, September 14, 2003

damn you wee bull

bah. and so today i have to do homework.

i finally started sea salt soaks for my piercings, as it seems that they are not getting better.

i did... a little upkeep on my compsci website yesterday, until my computer froze. twice. things like this make me hate my damn computer.

mbah. have to go start doing work.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

website upkeep day

now i have that damn homestarrunner.com song stuck in my head. everybody! everybody! so addictive.

so yeah. today is website upkeep day. it was originally "get off your lazy ass and do all your research for school projects" day, but again, i'm really lazy. and i have a day i can be on the net. and a new digital camera. that can take black and white pictures. and it's awesomes. no, not just awesomes. it's spendiferous. speaking of spendiferous, did i ever put pseudodictionary on my links? i don't think so. so then it's a perfect day for website upkeep day.

i'm thinking my glasses are what's giving me headaches. i remember i jumped a whole -1.0 on my prescription between my glasses and my contacts the last time, and it doesn't seem like that much of a difference, but i know it is. but alas, can't go back to the doctor's to get a new prescription until after october so insurance will pay for it. which reminds me, i have to throw my contacts out today.

now i have only one thing to look forward to this next week: senior rings. which would make me a lot happier if i got to miss calc for it, but the mass/ceremony is after second. at least i get to miss religion and english. i won't get the chance to order the ep until the 18th, it won't ship until the 25th. or, wait. they sometimes ship cds earlier for preorder... did that mean they originally were going to ship them for preorder a week early, so now it's shipping on the 18th? that would be awesome. maybe i can look forward to getting it sooner then. if not, it's still ok.

and now the other thing. the whole i might get my braces off thing. the thing that throws me off with that is the might. they seem pretty enthusiastic every time i go in for an appt, but i also know he can say "let's wait another month". which wouldn't be anything. i mean, i've only had braces for a little less than two years. other people have theirs for much longer than two years. and they haven't really been a bother at all. i mean, my one pound of weight loss was probably contributed to by me not being able to eat certain things (that and me not eating at all. but i've gotten over that. for now). i've never had a problem with them, and any discomfort was easily treated with ibuprofin (i could be on commercials toting the spendiferousness of ibuprofin). i don't know. my braces aren't a really big bad thing with me. of course i was the one who was wanting braces in fifth grade. so i might be biased.

so anyway, i hope i get them off. but if not, hey, it's not the end of the world.

i've been meaning to update my compsci site for about two months now, and i haven't gotten around to it. after i switched my old geocities site to frames, i haven't done anything to it. but i have to get back on that. i have... an angelfire site i use for blog picture hosting, another tripod site i use for... well i don't remember what the hell that site has on it. i should probably look into that. maybe more picture hosting. oh wait, you can't link pictures hosted on tripod. that's why i got angelfire. now i remember. and there's always this blog's template i have to fix.

and i have to figure out what college i want to see more of when we go on our colorado college trip: colorado state (which i hear is just like nmsu, except in colorado), or university of colorado. i'm thinkin of not going to see berkeley until next semester, since we only get two excused absences for college purposes.

too many things.

i have to register for SATIIs, start filling out UC application, do homework for school, and help clean the house for when the work starts.

oh yeah, and start looking for scholarships. i actually should start doing that right now.

staying busy is good, going insane is not. so, internet is my downtime.

my saturday morning post complete, although it still didn't say much of anything at all. oh well. writing something is better than not writing at all. off.